Things that really clicked in my head:
IF has already taken so much else. It's up to me to hold onto the few good friends I do have.
Yes, this friend is definitely worth it. We may not be able to understand what each other is going through right now, but we have always been each others "constants".
I'm not the only one losing something in all this.
I might suck at this communication thing sometimes.
Grief and needing space do not equal "instant asshole" even though it sure feels this way.
IF can really interfere with our relationships to the point of no return. Some of you ladies have really been through the ringer and I am so very sorry for how much this hurts.
Bottom line is that I need to put in
A couple of things I wanted to say............
To the anonymous 21-year old who found me via blog searching while searching for PCOS information, I am so sorry my dear. I wish you had never discovered some of these realities. Knowledge is power though and so much can happen and change by the time you are ready to start a family. I know it's hard to not worry about future "what ifs", but you owe it to yourself to just be 21 right now. Thanks for the sweet comment and I wish you all the best.
I also did want to address a couple things with Nicole's comment. If I could do it offline I would, but y'all are more than invited to keep reading along too. My purpose is not to start any kind of debate or bashing. I really want to be able to keep the communication going to help those of us battling IF simply to be better understood..........
Nicole,
I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. What you had to say first made me angry. Then it made me cry. Then it made me really think. I truly believe your words of "tough love" were for inspiration and come from a place of compassion. You see someone suffering, know what they could do to fix it, and are frustrated that they seem to be choosing to live in misery. I'm glad you spoke up and said exactly what you felt. (And just so you know, my anger was short lived).
I did want to try to explain why I can't just "suck it up" right now or be the kind of friend you described..........
I wish it were as simple as just trying to be a good friend and "understand" what she is going through as a mom of 2 little ones, but the truth of the matter is that it is not remotely possible right now. I can only imagine the stresses and difficulties that come with motherhood. Why, then, would I expect her to "understand" what I am going through with infertility? Honestly I don't and even included that in my letter to her......
I'm not telling you any of this with expectations for support orI think it is a lot to ask of a person to be their goto friend to complain about the one thing that person longs for, has fought to have, and is currently grieving as a loss. When she complains about motherhood stresses to me it pierces a place deep in my heart because I am so closely connected to simply wanting a chance to know and experience just what she is talking about. When I complain about infertility to her, she might feel bad for us and our situation but it is does not throw her into a tailspin of depression nor does she hope or long to experience it too.
understanding or suggestions on what to do next or help to be
"fixed".
For a horrible analogy**, if a friend of yours lost the use of their legs, it is unlikely that you would complain to them about your shin splints because your new personal trainer has been running you so hard. You would however likely listen to your friend talk about their pain and challenges in adjusting to their new way of life. Your challenge with shin splints may be hard but the rewards of running far outweigh the stresses and it is for something you want and chose. Your friend is dealing with a survival-because-I-have-to challenge that they would rather know nothing about. Along this same line, it's a lot easier to find other friends in your everyday life who can relate to and commiserate with your shin splint woes, but your friend is likely needing to seek out new friends to find someone who can even relate to the new medical language they are speaking let alone what they are going through.
I really do wish it were as easy as pulling up the bootstraps. I really really do. I've been tugging on those damn things for the past few years and honestly right now I am just tired. Grief is exhausting. It is also a process that can not be fixed or glossed over by just doing something else. It must be felt and experienced and dealt with. Trying to go around it will not bring any healing. Please be patient with me. I do know it will get better and I am working harder than you can ever imagine to make that happen, but right now I am just where I need to be.......grieving, healing, and transitioning.
Oh, and I am truly curious about this: "There are people willing to donate whatever you need to have the life you wish to have." Please do tell who these people are. LOL. I come from a long line of po' folk (po' in that we couldn't even afford the 'or to finish the word properly). My hubby and I have worked our asses off to be where we are at right now and our families would likely come to us for a "loan" should the occasion arise. We are out ~$60k for fertility treatments right now and what we need is some more moula to keep moving forward.
Thanks again for jumping in and saying what you feel. I hope my responses help to explain a bit better for where I am at right now.
p.s. For the record, I still have no regrets. I'm not exactly sure what you think I regret (or should regret), but just wanted you to know. (-;
**Not meant to offend anyone, but I wanted to use an obvious "physical" challenge in hopes of creating a visual aspect.
18 comments:
I think you need to do and say whatever is right for you right now. If friends and family can't handle that then it's really their loss. You are such an amazing woman and have been through so much you deserve much more care and compassion from your friends and family. I hope you can keep such an important friendship going - but only if it is on terms acceptable to you. If she is such a good friend you should not have to pretend that you are OK just to keep things comfortable for her.
(P.S. - I cry all the time reading blogs at work when I'm supposed to be doing something semi important...it's dangerous...)
I read your last post but didn't comment because I saw it as a post that was helping you make sense of something almost as you were writing through it, rather than one that I could give you the answer (two pills twice a day for three weeks).
I think your response both to your own dilemma and your commenters is thoughtful, articulate and balanced. I had to go back and read Nicole's comment and interpreted the "people willing to donate" as those willing to donate babies for adoption. Which makes the whole process sound a bit easier than it is for many, many people.
What struck me about your "action plan" is that it all centered around things that you could do...and I don't want you to forget that there are things that your friends can do for you. No, you cannot control their actions and I think that it is good that you've focussed on what you can change about yourself, but don't forget that friendship is a 2 way street and you can be met half way here. I think part of the issue is that a lot of people don't realize how stressful IF is - there are studies out there that show that women suffering from IF are just as stressed as women who suffer from cancer. This is real and unfortunately, it is only real to us...so cut yourself some slack too, not just your friends.
Yowza Brenda, I went back and read Nicole's comment.
You handled that one much more kindly than I would.
I realize she was only trying to help, but that whole "pull your bootstraps" up comment made me nauseated. And the whole insinuation that if you'll just DO IT, you can end your life of "regrets"--assuming she is meaning through adoption, which as we all know if so completely simple and easy-peasy and uncomplicated and doesn't cost a dime and all of that. Sigh. That comment got me riled up.
I think your plan sounds fine...but I just really hope you're not stressing too much over the part you played in any of this with your friend. Your original email was articulate and addressed the issue well. Good friends will get that, they will stand by you even if they are feeling unsupported in the stressful ventures of their life. Your amputation example was a good one.
I'm babbling. But Nicole touched a nerve with me. I don't know her, but somehow I'm betting she didn't deal with infertility. I could be wrong...
Hugs hugs and more hugs.
Big hugs.
I think you are in such a hard place right now, you just need to do whatever it takes to get through. I hope your friendship can be salvaged, and I love your plan with the things you can do now. I'm sure your friend is probably in a scary lonely place too, but right now you need support and she doesn't sound like she can give you what you need.
I hope you are able to find some light at the end of this IF tunnel, my heart hurts for you. hugs
I'm glad you have come to some decisions about how to maintain your friendship. You handled the Nicole comment very well; I probably wouldn't have been as fair.
You are a thoughtful, kind, generous, strong, articulate, beautiful woman & don't ever forget that. Thank you for sharing your words, your pain, your grief and your journey with us. I am better for reading...
HUGS
I received a similar comment on my blog a year or more ago. I was rambling/whining/crying about my husband's medical issues, probably and infertility as well. Someone came by and left one of those "you just have to loose the negative attitude and go forth and make the world the way you want it to be" posts. I was LIVID. It took every ounce of restraint to not delete it. The thing is there is some element of truth is such comments. Yes, we get to choose how we respond to our lives. Yes, if we wallow in self pity endlessly then no one is to blame but ourselves. Yes, we are not the only ones who've ever suffered in the world. That said what about being human, including grief, sorrow, suffering and learning to cope? What about all that? If someone is capture in an unproductive and stagnant pit of despair for years on end, with no change in circumstance, then sure, maybe they need a loving nudge or even a kick in the pants. However, when someone is trying to deal with a very real and ongoing delimma, when they are dealing with true tragedy and grief, the appropriate thing to do is offer them a shoulder, and when they're ready, a hand. Not to judge them for needing those things. However, I'm guessing that the women who left the comments on my blog and yours, have the luxury of not having to learn that lesson. Lucky them. Lucky them.
I just used the analogy you used with some friends of mine. I was trying to get them to understand how I've been feeling lately when people I work with feel free to discuss pg-related stuff with me. I think you explained it so well. The poster, Nicole, said, "If you want a friend who understands you, then be the friend that understands her." How can you understand her? Yes, parenthood is stressful - no doubt that it can be. But you're not there right now. You are GRIEVING your own loss (the thing that she is complaining about), so how can you possibly be the one that she complains to??? It's common sense. You're not in a place to do that right now. That's not a difficult concept to understand. If she truly is your friend, she will understand that her comments/complaints/venting will need to be heard by other friends right now.
Nicole also wrote, "And if you want a life of no regrets, pull up your bootstraps and make that life. There are beautiful children who need you, want you, and dream of you. There are people willing to donate whatever you need to have the life you wish to have."
Hmm. Speaking as someone who is has been dealing with IF for the last 3 years and is currently trying to adopt, she makes it sound like a walk in the park. I do agree that you need to be proactive about what you want to do to reach your goal of starting a family. (You know I'm all about being proactive :) ) BUT I think that it needs to be done in your own time and when YOU are ready. You just experienced your last IVF. It just happened. If someone experienced a m/c, you wouldn't say, hurry up and have another baby; you would let that person grieve their loss. That's what it comes down to; everyone needs to grieve in their own time.
As far as people being willing to donate whatever you need to have the life you want, I'm not sure what she means by that. Yes, there are children that need to be adopted (if that's what she meant) but it's not a quick and easy solution. It's a whole other journey that you need to be prepared for to begin.
I hope that as far as your friendship goes, I hope it's something you can work out. It may take time. It might not even happen right now. But I hope that if your friend really cares about you, she'll try to understand your side of things.
And we'll always be here for you. You know that.
Some people do not understand grief because they have not had to deal with what you are dealing with. Even if you have had a huge loss like yours, if it's not in your face at the moment, you forget what it's like. I get it, but a month or two ago I didn't. This is huge and you need to cut yourself a break. Don't listen to that voice that says you're a bad friend. You are in survival mode, and that's ok. You need to avoid people and situations that will upset you even more, including deleting insensitive comments. I'm right there with you girl. Oh, and if you find that person who can throw a spare $60k your way in this economy, send them my way, LOL!!
Very well explained and well written. I love your ability to word posts so perfectly. Always thinking of you B! Hugs
*I'm the Anonymous 21-year-old who posted previously.
Thank you for your comments. You're very kind. I do worry about the “IF”s occasionally, but more than anything, your blog and others like yours are great sources of inspiration. Your strength is admirable; your story is beautiful - all joys and sorrows included.
I hope everything with C works out. I’m in no position to speak, but I felt you gave your friend a great gift by telling the truth; otherwise, you both would have to live a lie. No one deserves that. It was crystal clear from the letter you sent, that you love C dearly and value her friendship. In my opinion, she feels the same way. You’ve changed. Everyone does. She no longer knows you like the back of her hand; it’ll take some time for her to see through to the secrets of your heart. A friendship that has lasted so many years is always special.
Please Take Care,
Bonita.
"Grief is exhausting." You said it so well. There is nothing more draining or more heart wrenching than grief. And Infertility leaves some of the worst type of grief. I hope that this week is a better one and that you are able to catch some good moments....((hugs))
Brenda:
I'm infertile, tried to have a child for 9 years, and now at 42, 4 years after our last effort I can see where Nicole is coming from, I'm not the exception to the rule, I didn't magically got pregnant when I relaxed... my story doesn't have the happy ending, we, infertiles expect, I have learned to live without children, and appreciate and value what I do have, I live a happy life. Many friendships were lost, many family members I don't speak to anymore, and it took 1 year of marital therapy to mend the relationship with my husband, and although infertility left me eternally wounded and changed the core of what I believed in, during my darkest hours, I made the decision to survive... and live... and enjoy..and be happy. One thing I learned is that infertility not only happened to me, it happened to my husband, my parents (I'm an only child), my friends, infertility sips into every aspect of your life and if you let it.. it will destroy all you have. I had to redirect my life, to remember who I was before we started TTC. I'm not and will never be the same person I was at 29, when I tossed the BC. But I can emerge as someone wiser, stronger, with more compasion, I don't measure happines by the number of pregnancies or children anymore. I measure life by the everyday tokens of love I give and receive. You are entitled to your feelings, but so are the fertiles in the world, this is not a war between fertiles and infertiles, is your own journey, your own battle, victory will be up to you.
Best of luck
Aimee
It's interesting to read everyone's perspective because it makes me think and pushes me out of my comfort zone too. Brenda, I am so impressed at how you beautifully collected and articulated your thoughts, to Nicole and Bonita as well. And your analogy. And how you are thinking through and processing your friendship with C. I think when the time is right, you will write to her. It may be the subtle struggle between the pain of loss (of having biological children, of losing children or embryos) and the pain of possibly losing a dear friend. Don't rush it and don't worry about it, because it will resolve itself. Sure, you may have to act or do something if you feel the need, but you will know when the time comes. You will either just not be able to contact her in whatever way and then you can just take your time and wait, or one day you will feel the urge to write to hear a letter and describe your feelings as beautifully as you have here. That's how it happened to me. I couldn't and couldn't write to a best friend who now just had her second child, but then I realized that the source of my sorrow was actually losing her, not so much not being able to have a child. Of course that pain of infertility is still and was there all that time, but I realized how much I didn't want to lose her and how much I wanted to work through this, even if it hurt so much. And so we did and still are. Thank you for sharing your process with us. It is very helpful to see how different people have handled these very deeply difficult and painful situations, including you. Thank you.
In terms of keeping up with your friend and nurturing that relationship in whatever way you can, I've rediscovered the joys of snail mail. Who doesn't love getting something in the old mailbox that isn't a bill? I've started sending little letters and notes to some of my friends who I've grown away from over the past few years but don't want to lose touch with--just to tell them I'm thinking about them and that I value our friendship.
Like you, I'm not that great at the phone--but if anyone IS great with the written word, I'd certainly say that person is you. And the great thing about a letter or note vs. an e-mail is that it doesn't necessarily require a response.
Holding you in my thoughts and heart! xxoo
Wow, Brenda, you are really close to sainthood - seriously. I am so impressed with how you responded. I'm with Davs - those type of comments really strike a nerve. They are so unhelpful. I have found that when most people are hurting, what they really need is validation and freedom to be in the place they are in. That is the most helpful. I thank my own experience with IF, unfortunately, for that little nugget of wisdom.
You know, some of my friendships are changing as a result of all this as well. But sometimes I wonder if the infertility struggle is really the cause...there really aren't commonalities amongst the friendships that are weakening -i.e., some of them have children, some of them don't, they are different ages, different backgrounds, etc.. I just wonder if these friendships would have struggled somewhere down the line anyway, regardless of IF. It sounds harsh and heartless, but I have almost come to see IF as a catalyst for cleaning up my friendship house.
Brenda, I have come back to this post a few times to re-read and respond...and now I am finally getting around to posting a comment! Just want to say that your feelings are totally valid, and the way you describe things is just spot-on.
People say raising children is hard, and complain about it...and say "it's a struggle to be with small children" and other things like that- the truth is that raising children is a gift...and when people complain about how hard it is raising children to an infertile person, it is like complaining about having too much money to a homeless person. It is ridiculous!
Having lost two daughters through stillbirth, and having experienced a miscarriage, I can honestly say that the "problems" associated with raising a small child are all good problems - and really not problems at all!
What is truly difficult is waking up each morning and looking at two baby urns on your dresser (like I do each morning)...or facing another failed IVF cycle, or losing hope that any fertilty treatment will work at all. Those are "real problems." Let's be clear on that!
I know that you will be a parent, one way or another- and I am so interested to see where the path leads you. But, you are so close to your last IVF cycle- and it's a grieving process. Don't rush out of that grief- give yourself time to heal and process...and that grief may never go away entirely...but if you don't walk through it now, it's going to linger and manifest in other ways.
So, as far as the friend thing- like Brenna said, snail mail is good...email is good...phone calls, not so good! A true friend will be able to meet you where you are. If she can't do that, then perhaps it's best to re-visit the friendship at another time. Be gentle with yourself. It's hard learning to walk without legs! All things considered, you're doing a great job! (((hugs)))
Love,
E
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