So this is really getting ridiculous. Current tally of unposted "drafts" I have written in the past couple weeks is at 17. I guess it's time I try to actually put one out in the open again.
I wish the title of this post was about taking our next steps forward, but it's a different kind of looking ahead that I have been doing lately. When I wrote my Coming Soon post I mentioned an Ah-ha/Oh Shit moment and a "move" that were both IF related. I've tried to write each out, but haven't been able to finish them. It took a bit to figure out, but I think I don't know how to finish them because I don't know where the ending is going or what will happen with either situation.
I am making some long term decisions based on my short term need for "survival" and I'm not sure what to think about it all yet.
My Ah-ha/Oh Shit moment happened at the end of a phone call with my oldest and dearest friend recently. Due to living in different states, we haven't seen each other since December 2007 (just days after our IUI failed). Obviously a lot has happened since then and after our last phone call in December 2008, I had a major meltdown. There were a couple "Could you hold on a minute?" times to deal with her son and then I could hear her newborn daughter fussing and grunting in the background. It really was just too much and I have not called her since then purely out of self preservation.
I didn't share our CCRM adventure and didn't know what to do when she called just a week after our BFN. The thought of hearing her baby was too much and I couldn't bare to call her back. (I realize how self-centered and asshole-ish this is, but I can't help but to just be where I am right now). Instead of calling, I sent her this:
Hey C. I have a personal email that I use now to get away from having everything at work.........
I hope all is going well there. I'm sure you are keeping really busy these days.
I'm sorry I haven't returned your call (or called at all for that matter). I am in a really ugly place, am having a tough time pulling my shit together, and really don't want to talk out loud about any of it. We recently had another failed IVF cycle. We travelled out of state for this one to one of the top clinics in the country as they were our last hope. After 46 cycles over the last 43 months we are officially finished with trying to get pregnant. My emotions are so raw and being part of the "normal" functioning world is currently beyond my capabilities.
I'm sorry I can't be a better friend to you right now. I very much DO care how you are adjusting to life with 2 little ones, all the fun you are having dressing M in all those cute girly clothes, and everything else that is happening in your life. I wish I were strong enough to be a part of it, but honestly the sights or sounds of anything to do with babies or kids right now only spirals my depression deeper. I am just not in a place to be that kind of friend right now and I am sorry. I carry a lot of guilt knowing how awful and distant I have been and will likely continue to be for some time.
Please don't take any of this in a way that means I am disappearing for good or that I will never have the ability to be a good friend again. I just need time to grieve our losses and figure out how we move on with our lives in whatever new capacity they take on. I'm not telling you any of this with expectations for support or understanding or suggestions on what to do next or help to be "fixed". I'm only hoping you will be willing to give me another chance sometime in the future.
I do have a strong network of other women who have been where I am and I am also still seeing my therapist so I am not just lying in bed with my wine and Cheetos every night of the week. We have a long way to go to reach some sort of acceptance, but we are trying.
I'm still always around if you need me................
Love and hugs,
B
She called me on my cell phone at work a week later just to check in and remind me that she could be hit by a bus tomorrow. (Yes, that kind of guilt really helps.) We didn't talk about much more than what the email already said and there was still a little one crying in the background at one point.
My Ah-ha/Oh Shit moment came after she said, "Well we don't have to talk about it. We can just talk about silly shit like we used to." Maybe it was what she said or how she said it or that she thinks I can just sit it all aside, but my heart skipped a beat. All I could think was, Fuck, she thinks I'm still me, the only partially broken me from December 2007, the happy-go-lucky me she has known since we were 5 years old, the me who believed that dreams can come true and who things just always seemed to work out for, the me that could just put my feelings on a shelf and go about my day.
I miss my friend. I miss me. I miss the days where "silly shit" along with every other aspect of our lives was not infested by infertility in some way.
I don't know how to explain this to her or what our future friendship holds, but it all just really sucks. Anybody ever put a friendship "on hold", have their life change so deeply, and been able to go back to a friendship of "old times"? Any thoughts or ideas on next steps would be much appreciated...... and don't feel obligated to be "nice" as I realize I am a bit of an asshole in this situation and may just need to see things from a different view to make it feel right again.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
37 comments:
I haven't forged many friendships in my lifetime and I don't think I've ever forged one of the caliber you are speaking of. My BFF is single doesn't have and never intends on having any children. Mostly she gets that I'm not the same ol' Liss I was in 2001 when we first met and she respects that and doesn't expect anything different from me. She knows how hard we tried to get pregnant. She knows of my miscarriage in 2007. She knows me better than anyone else on the planet. To some extent, even better than my own husband knows me.
All I can say is that you have to do what's best for you. This stage that you are in right now will surely not last forever. You are still very fresh in the grieving stage. Perhaps request that you keep correspondence in email form since you will not have to worry about hearing small children/babies in the background tugging at your sanity and threatening to undo your emotional well being. With your being friends with her for so long, certainly she can understand that much. She may not be able to empathize but she should be able to understand and respect your requests.
((hugs))
It's a sad thing, but friendships do sometimes change due to life events that have nothing to do with the relationship between the two friends.
I think that you have been very straightforward about the reasons for your behavior. Right now you are still going through a grieving process, and it's going to take as long as it will take.
I hope that you and your friend will be able to be close again someday. I certainly have friends with children with whom I've remained close despite many changes in our lives. I think there is hope, if she can be understanding and wait for you to be ready to re-engage.
P.S. I'm sorry that IF is causing you more heartache here.
Your email to her was perfect. Really honest about the obstacles to an ideal friendship right now and a truly heartfelt hope that things will be better soon.
I can tell that you know things will get better, someday. But just knowing that doesn't mean you don't have to go through the grief and anger and even just the wistfulness about what you have lost.
Plus, wine and cheetos is probably fine occasionally - although a wedge of saint andre and a crusty baguette might be more helpful!
First of all, your letter was great. Heartfelt, honest, wonderfully written.
Second, I can really relate to what you say about wanting to go back to the old "me"- the one who could talk about superficial things and put the real emotions up on a shelf.
The only time I have broken up with a friend and gotten back together (well- you know, not "broken up" but taken a long breather) is my current best friend. Long story short, she was blissfully in love and about to be married, and I was breaking up with my fiance/boyfriend of 5 years. I was in a bad bad place and couldn't be around anyone in a happy relationship.
We lost touch for a few years, but then when I was in a better place (not in a relationship, but feeling better...and her life wasn't so consumed by early love), we did re-connect and now we talk on the phone daily.
But that friendship is very rare- and I think it survived b/c we already had a very deep connection from being in a different support group for 5 years together...
So, we have that common bond. When we lost Vivian and Annemarie, it was very hard because she got pregnant a few weeks afterwards, and so that was really hard for me. But our friendship has endured- mostly because she listens to me and doesn't ask me to put my grief up on a shelf. She doesn't "get it" entirely- but she tries...and that means a lot to me right now.
Being in a super raw place- and seeing your friend with something you want so badly- I think it is totally normal AND healthy to step away from the friendship. It really isn't about her- it's about not rubbing your wound raw every time you get on the phone with her.
She should understand- and if not...then...that's okay, too. (((hugs))) There are people who DO understand, and as awful as it is, that is part of grief and loss- figuring out how to stay above water and find life rafts in those who understand your journey.
I don't think you've done anything wrong here, and I don't think you should feel guilty for what you've said or done in this friendship. BUT it sounds from your last paragraph as though you are looking for a new way to look at this relationship. As someone who's been on both sides of this AND lost friends during IF, here goes...
So...from her point of view she A. still wants to be friends with you and B. has her own life challenges that are different from yours (raising 2 little ones is hard in a completely different way from IF, but still hard) and C. can't understand exactly how you are feeling right now.
If you add A, B and C together, she might feel that you are being a bit melodramatic about not being able to handle the sights and sounds of kids right now (BTW I was there, too and I completely agree that it's not something you're choosing and the last thing you need is to be exposed to more baby crap and sink deeper into depression). She might also feel that it's unfair that because she is a mom she doesn't get to be friends with you right now when she cares about you and wants to support you.
Mel had a post awhile back about friendship being like a bank account and that if you have enough deposits in the account before one friend goes though IF then the frienship will survive the blows. If the bank account isn't fat enough, it is less likely to survive the IF process. So since this is an old friend, I would say just trust that when you're ready you'll be able to start up again close to where you left off.
*sigh* This is such a tough one B, but honestly? How can she expect things to be as they used to be? BOTH of you are not the same girls you were before. She's a mother of 2. You're dealing with giving up on your dream of being pregnant. These things changes you both.
Sounds like to me that she is not willing to give up on *her* changes but you must just sweep aside what you're feeling and be like the "old times". Truth is infertility fucks with us. It changes us indelibly. And people who cannot accept that and stand with us through those changes are quite honestly, not worth it.
I found this out the hard way when my so called friend was told our IVF did not work and she cut me off to say "sorry I don't mean to be rude but I'm at the nusery school open day and it starts in 2 mintues and I have to go". This while I'm crying on the call.
Not.Worth.It.
Strength and hugs to you.
xxx
I think this is all just part of the ebb and flow of life. Some friends aren't meant to last forever. Granted, this comes from the keyboard of a woman with VERY few true friends...but it also comes from the keyboard of a friend who has ignored 2 messages from a 'friend' on Saturday and is still debating on whether or not to ever call back.....because I don't want to share with her anymore...because she doesn't understand at ALL, and I don't want to waste my breath explaining.
First, I think your letter was perfect- very open and honest and you really explained it in a neutral manner that she should be able to understand. From that, and her reaction to it, I get that she really doesn't understand and is feeling left out...hinting that she has many challenges too but is ultimately the same person, so why can't you be too? But those who haven't experienced IF just can't understand how it fundamentally changes you. My sister is law does this all the time - even thought I don't talk about IF with them very much AT ALL - she hints that she has it just as bad with 2 young kids to raise. You friend seems to have a similar thought.
I do have one very old friend who I talk to sometimes frequently and sometimes not for years. BUT, my friend is not married, had no kids, thinks that maybe possibly someday she may be sad that she didn't have kids, etc. She also says that she reads my blog and gets why it is so hard and how important it is to us b/c of how much effort we are putting in. I'm not saying she is better- she is just in a different place and seriously is having her own struggles hoping to find someone to fall in love with again. Even with all that understanding, she still disappears for huge lengths of time as a friend b/c we've both changed so much since we've grown up. We still can joke and laugh but it is usually not light and silly but more sarcasm and survival laughter now.
I think relationships change a lot over time. We all change and go in different directions and as a result, we connect with those old friends only rarely. I don't have a lot of friends, particularly not girl friends, so I may be totally off about this, but you are very right in how you are explaining this to her. I know it seems like you are worried that you are being difficult or dumping someone b/c you lack the strength, etc, but in this IF journey, we have to use all of our strength just to come out the other side and however we do that...it happens.
As you know, my oldest friend is now working with me and pregnant. This is very difficult for me to admit, but the truth of the matter is that our relationship has become rather strained since she got pregnant. It's not that I'm unwilling to support her or spend time around her. Indeed I very much want to spent time with her. However, that desire is made very difficult by the fact that she is so utterly oblivious to how much IF hurts. Every time we're together she only wants to talk about pregnancy and babies. And I try to smile and go along. But then if I talk about how much that hurts, she feels like she can't share what's important to HER. Before she got pregnant we didn't talk about infertility or babies. She was one of the few friends I had that I could just hang out with. We would drink wine and gossip together. Laugh and have a good time, forgetting about my troubles in the world. Now every time I look at her I feel sad. And pretty much every time she talks I feel even more sad. After all these years, it's almost like we have nothing in common. :/
I read the responses and I think you have some good advice there. I also wanted to pipe in from the fertile side. It is very very hard to walk in other people's shoes so how is she to know you are not the same person unless you share it with her? While us fertiles will never truly understand IF, we can all sympathize with tragedy, loss, and pain.
One of my very best friends recently had two miscarriages and we agreed over email this was not the time for me to talk about my kids. That is a COMPLETELY fair expectation in our friendship to me, so I was very respectful of her feelings. I was there to listen to her talk about her pain, her fear, and to be the kind of friend she wanted me to be. I can never totally understand what she went through but with communication, we've been able to keep our friendship solid.
During the worst of the worst, she said it was too hard to talk to anyone. I was fine with that because I knew she needed to grieve and needed space. Now we're back to talking/emailing every week and she's able to talk about those feelings with me. I see how she will never be the same, just as I will never be the same because of things that happened to me.
I think friendships need work just as much as marriages do. And if someone is truly your BFF, they'll be willing to listen and work through this but it takes communication from both sides. Maybe now is not the right time. But I do think the best way for her to understand what you are going through is for you to talk about it. Maybe not now.
Life is short and it is really hard to find BFFs.
I have to believe that if our friends are truly our friends and we open our hearts to them as honestly and openly as you did to yours, the door will always be open to having some kind of relationship. It may be a changed one, since of course you'll never be exactly the person you were before all of this began (and neither is she). I've become closer with some friends and more distant from others based on their openness to at least trying to understand what we've been through. That's all I ask--I don't think anyone can really understand the toll that IF takes, or child loss, until they've been there. But if a friend is willing to at least try, to be open to hearing me talk about it occasionally, then I'm not going to write her off. I think your e-mail to her was just perfect, and who knows--there may be a day in the future when you'll feel like talking about silly shit again. It may be a long way off, and if she's really your friend she'll be there for you when you're ready. xxoo
I went through something so incredibly similar and it was one of the most challenging parts of our infertility journey...the people we love, who love us, and their inability to understand exactly how life altering IF is.
I ended up losing a friend from junior high, someone I thought would always be my friend. I couldn't get myself out of the deep well of misery I'd dug to be happy and "there" for her during the birth of her two children and she couldn't understand why. She couldn't understand why I was so changed, so completely a different person, and why the pain was so encompassing. Eventually I wrote a note very similar to the one you wrote to your friend. Her response..."If I had cancer and was dying, I'd still be happy you were living."
Since the moment I opened her email, we've had zero contact. I miss her and I still love her, and perhaps one day we'll find each other again, but I knew when I read her response that we were at such completely different spots, and she could never understand what I so needed her to understand. I'm not sure I made the right decision in cutting off contact, but it was what I needed to do at the time. It was one step I had to take in saving my sanity.
Hugs and strength to you as you find your way through this.
Dear B,
I am so sorry for your losses,
I am heartbroken knowing what you had to and still must endure,
I have no advice,
In fact, most of time reading your posts,
I have no words.
I found your blog through a series of links on others' side bars.
Every one of those carries the weight of dashed hopes and dreams unborn, as well.
It was quite the shock for this 21-year-old, looking for quick answers to PCOS (diagnosed at 13).
It'll be a number of years before I even begin to think about building a family, but...
Now I know there are no easy answers, there are no simple solutions.
Thank you,
for your bravery.
Thank you,
for your resilience.
I pray that the road ahead is gentle to you. And,
That you receive the understanding you need.
:)
i'm having those same issues for different reasons...but some people will just never get it. its almost as if its beyond their capacity.
if you need a break, take it. and if you two can revisit this friendship in the future, great. if not...don't beat yourself up about it.
if she can't even *try* to get what you have gone through, there is nothing you can do to make her understand.
i'm so sorry b - wishing it was different.
Boy do I wish I could offer much useful advice on this one! There are so many ways that this is just SO HARD. And on the one hand, I want to be treated "normally" but on the other hand, NOTHING IS NORMAL! Going out to lunches with my two best gals from grad school is NOT THE SAME no matter how much we want it to be. Invariably one of the five kids they have between them (most of whom were born during my last four years of TTC hell) end up coming along. We try to just talk like we used to, but it's hard on all of us. Them because they have to tiptoe, me because I'm usually on the verge of a meltdown.
Damn, I'm a useless commenter Brenda.
Move to Austin and let's be mutually exclusive TTC failure friend egg-twins. Smirk.
BIG HUGS.
PS I don't think you have done anything other than what is necessary to protect your heart. The comment about being hit by the bus was sort of off the mark in my humble opinion.
I don't think friendships can return to their previous state, nor would I want them to. All people grow. Some achieve their dreams, some have lives that take a downward spiral.
I have one friendship right now that used to be very intense and then just ended. We are cultivating a relationship again, bu very slowly. We are both wounded and seem to walk on eggshells around each other. I don't know when things will be easy and normal or if they will ever be. But it will never be what it was. We have changed too much. Sometimes I think we just need to take joy in the fact that they still want to be apart of our lives and accept it for what it is.
I hope some day you are in an easier place. It will happen. You will find pieces of the old you again. They won't take over, but you will find a way to integrate them into your newer self. You will find a way to be happy again.
Wow - you've got a ton of great feedback. I don't have a lot to add. I thought your email was amazingly honest and straightforward. I'm sorry she reacted the way she did.
I think that right now, you need to do whatever it takes for you to survive. What you are going through is huge, it's the very phase of IF that every infertile dreads most.
Your email to your friend was perfect. It sounds like your friend really cares about you. I'm sure her intentions are that she really wants to be there for you, but maybe doesn't totally understand how to be. Maybe you two could keep in contact via email. I'm sure she would need to be told that hearing a baby/child in the background is not something you can handle, and also let her know you can't bare to hear about her children right now. Let her know that in time, when you've had time to heal, you will come around.
My final thought, IF takes everything away from us, if she's a good friend, don't let IF rob you of this friendship too.
Nothing but love...
No advice, but I've been reading the other comments carefully. I've cut ties with several members of my own family over somewhat similar (though, in my case, related to baby loss, rather than infertility per se) types of issues and wish I could find some way to repair them that wouldn't destroy what's left of my sanity.
Unfortunately, I think friendships do change based upon things to happen in our lifetimes. Things that brought you together earlier in your lives are no longer the things you have in common. It's not anyone's fault - it's just life.
If it were me, I would really appreciate your honesty and I think your email was perfect. She knows where she stands and she knows where you are. A true friend would respect that (even if it is painful).
You just need to do what you feel and surround yourself with people that understand. If it includes friends the past, great. If not, it just happens.
I thought your email was very well stated, and showed a lot of empathy for her. But she may not be in a place to "do" the friendship right now. As a reletively new mom I yearned for the "old days" sometimes, and maybe she is hoping you can help her capture that, not realizing how fragile a state you are currently in. But down the road I think you have every reason to believe you will be able to be friends, although because she hasn't been on the journey with you (or you with her) it won't be the same as if you had. Does that make sense? Sending hugs your way.
Man - I could copy/paste this letter and send it to so many people. That hit by a bus comment would have gotten to me.
You're doing the right thing. Protect yourself. That was a hard lesson for me to learn as Shelby and I go down our path together.
Your e-mail was so well written and really put to words many of the emotions and conflicts that are going on with you during this time. Your friend just didn't get it and for that, I'm sorry. I think someone else (Tricia?)posted about another friend who had the same sort of reaction but the thing that struck me about the responses of both of your friends is that it all centered around THEM and not YOU. They could get hit by a bus, they could get cancer but nothing about YOU. You explained so gently and very thoroughly why you couldn't be a friend right now and I think her reaction was more about her own hurt feelings rather than your feelings. You are grieving right now and if what you need to feel better is to NOT have a conversation with her with her two kids screaming in the background, than that is what you need to do. If she was a little more compassionate and wanted to find a middle ground, she could have suggested speaking with you only at night when the two little ones were asleep (and therefore making no noise). You have done the right thing by your friend and now you need to do what is best for you.
I think you did everything right and I don't think you are being an a-hole. If your friend can not be empathetic and call you when her kids aren't around, then she has not matured to a place where she has the capacity for that kind of empathy. For someone who has not been through infertility, it's not surprising that she can not relate. Do what you have to to maintain your sanity. If your friend can not understand, then you just have to let it go and take a break from her until she can.
Case in point: my best friend from high school and I kind of drifted apart. She moved to another country, and I rarely saw her. Eventually, when I did start to tell her about my baby-making struggles, she finally opened up to me about her own infertility journey. We have now reconnected and she started a blog of her own (Geeks In Rome). You just never know how friendships will evolve. On the flip side, I have had other friendships go by the wayside because of IF as well.
Oh, Bren. I wish I had something really inspiring and helpful to say. Unfortunately, I've lost a friend due to IF - because she just doesn't get it and I can't ignore that she has no compassion for me during this journey. My heart aches for you.
Many hugs and much love, sister.
Your email was something I have tried to pen to so many of my friends and family in the past several years, yet I never could find the eloquence you've captured. But unlike me who never did send those letters out, you have and have thus salvaged something that was important to you. That alone took so much strength.
I can't name a single friendship of mine that means a lot to me that hasn't been forever altered by infertility in some way (and in most cases, negatively). I too am not nearly the same person I was even 5 years ago, so when people try to relate to me in such a way, I simply have no idea how to react. So I push away and find myself more and more isolated. But you took a step in sending that letter. You're not letting infertility take everyone away from you and for that, you're already on the path to healing.
Friendships are ever evolving and I don't think it's possible to go back to the way things were. You did nothing wrong here. You have gotten some wonderful comments and I agree with most of them. I hope that your friend is empathetic enough and loves you enough to repect your wishes. Your email was perfectly written by the way.
The same theme I find from these posts is that people are continuing to be nice which is what you suggested that we not be. Ok...here is the not nice response to your post...
Your blog is titled "No Regrets". You have nothing but regrets. You are too strong, eloquent, and admirable to continue to live like this.
Everyone wants to talk about the loss of a friendship. That's not the point...the point is that people change and we either decide that they continue to have value in our lives or we decide that they do not. I would bet that your friend could use a good friend to deal with the changes in her life as well. Having a child is a beautiful thing...it is also one of the most stressful experiences in ones life.
If you want a friend who understands you, then be the friend that understands her. And if you want a life of no regrets, pull up your bootstraps and make that life. There are beautiful children who need you, want you, and dream of you. There are people willing to donate whatever you need to have the life you wish to have.
I love reading your blog. I have cried and laughed for you and with you. My heart aches for you most of the time. I cannot wait to read about the wonderful things that are happening to you - because they will happen - as soon as you let them.
The comment from "Nicole" really rubbed me the wrong way. That "suck it up and move on" wannabe pep talk (at least that's how I took it) was unnecessary.
You have experienced real, profound grief. And you need to take all the time you need to process and heal.
I do think there can be a point in people's lives when you reach a turning point and things change. But you have to be ready for that change...and you don't need someone else giving you grief in the meantime.
You are so open, Brenda, whether it's communicating your true emotions with your friend through that letter to her or via this blog.
By remaining open and not shutting down, you have an outlet for working this out. I am consistently amazed by your courage and bravery.
As for friendships, sometimes we need to take breaks, but true friendship can and does overcome. Don't force the friendship, but do keep the "door open" for the day you will be able to share again. I am working on mending a friendship right now that suffered while my friend was pregnant. I never thought it would be easy to be around her baby...well, today I picked that baby up and could honestly say I was more happy than sad around that little one.
Things do change. Keep hope for your friendship, but give it time.
I can't tell you how much I wish I had the answer to this one.
A few times, I have really wished that I could just put certain friendships on hold until I could bear to be around that person again. But... friendships don't ever seem to work like that, and those that aren't maintained seem to drift away.
I think that one part of what Nicole said is true (and we all know it's true) - that raising kids is stressful. We all know that. And my observation has been that when a person is suffering from one kind of stress, it's very rare to then be able to sympathise with someone who is suffering from the diametrically opposite stress. (This cuts both ways, of course). My guess is that she feels like she needs support in her stress - and I'm sure she DOES need support in her stress, although I don't think you're the right person to offer it - and she probably wants you to know that life on the other side of the mommy fence isnt' a bed of roses either. Maybe a part of her feels like if you see some of the 'bad side' of motherhood - like the crying babies and the constant interruptions, you'll understand that she doesn't have it easy either and you need to give her some sympathy too.
But if you're like me then (well, on a bad day anyway) the sound of a baby crying is physically painful. I don't think the average fertile woman can understand that a childless woman really feels that kind of pain, because, you know, we don't HAVE a child, so we don't UNDERSTAND the DEPTHS of that BOND. I don't think many understand the level of emotional investment we have in our nonexistent children (and most would probably think we wre crazy if they did). Most women I know only started down the mummy-emotions road AFTER they were pregnant, and blame those feelings on hormones. Most of my friends with children assume that my life now is like *their* life before they had children - ie, carefree and without maternal emotions. I find myself wanting to explain - look, I've got the same maternal feelings you have, I just don't have anywhere to put them. So please don't shove your child in my face.
I hardly know where I'm going with this. But... it sounds like she doesn't realise the depths of the loss you are facing. I would maybe try one more time to explain that this is like losing your husband and then having someone call you while theirs is whispering sweet nothings in the background. Or something.
Friendships are definitely worth saving. And you won't be in this incredibly painful place forever. But for now... I do hope she will give you some space.
I know I've had friendships changed by IF. Some have been sorta restored and others have not been revived. It's a little painful on both fronts.
But, at the end of the day, I think you did the right thing. Your email was written perfectly. You have to take care of yourself above everything else. Imo, any good friend should be able to deal with that. Hugs.
Brenda, your letter was beautiful and heartbreaking and eloquent. Those are not easy letters to write. Making ourselves vulnerable when every part of ours aches is very difficult. I really loved your letter for all that. And you have to go with your gut feeling, whether that is writing a letter or taking time off. This has been such a draining, exhausting, unbelievably tormenting process that you don't need to add more to it by the doing the emotional work of thinking and figuring out this friendship. You were very clear and now it's up to your friend to decide what she wants to do with this information. There is only so much you can do. The rest is up to her and one has little control over that, though as others have said, one can believe in the strength and depth of the friendship. Time will show. But I do think right now your priority should be your own self and well-being, whatever that takes.
Your "oh shit/a-ha" moment made me realize (over and over again) how painful it is to lose a part of our SELF in this process. It was very sad to read the part about you missing your old self. I can really relate to that. I also think maybe one day you can describe this to her just like you did to us. That is if you one day feel up to it.
I think the future of your friendship depends on many factors, including it's previous quality, depth, history, but also your personalities/her personality, and whether you will feel later on that you miss her, and whether you will miss her enough to feel compelled to write to her. In my case, after much agony and increased isolation, I ended up emailing again to my best friend (has two kids) and she was incredibly understanding and responsive, and volunteered to omit details of her pregnancy from our discussions.
I am thinking of you!
The email was perfect, genuine, honest and beautiful. Friendships sometimes change for things and reasons out of our control. With something so earth shattering as infertility, it's impossible for us no to be forever changed and therefore also the relationships that define who we are. Do what is best for you, and those who are true and genuine friends will understand. ((hugs))
Brenda, I'm getting to this late and for that I apologize. You are in a tough place. I think that you have to do what is best for you and if that means not calling her because you can't bare to hear her baby crying in the background, then you don't call her. It is apparent to me that you are a kind, caring person who doesn't intend to hurt people, so if you can't/don't talk to your friends you worry you may hurt them. I am the same way. I don't like that IF has alienated me, but that's the reality and we have to deal with it however we can.
I haven't had a similar situation, but have had some friendships that fizzled out through my struggles. I do have another friendship that has been affected by my IF struggle because she just can't even try to put herself in my shoes. She doesn't seem to understand the impact that IF has had on my life. I've tried to tell her and the message seems lost on her. I would recommend that you be honest with your friend and explain how you are not the same person and how you probably can't go back to your previous relationship. A true friend will understand and accept that. It won't be easy, but I think you're used to dealing with difficulties. Let us know how it goes.
I sometimes feel like an unsuccessful clone of my former self, the person I was before IF. I still look and sound like myself, but on the inside, I am profoundly different. To others, I still look and sound the same as I always did. They can't "see" my insides, so they don't understand. I have lost several friendsships because of this, from friends who didn't care to try to see me from the inside out. On the other hand, I have had friendships endure, and even be strengthed, during their pregnancies because of my friend's willingness to sympathize with my IF. We can't accept all the blame for losing friendships due to IF. Some of it depends on how the other party responds to our situation as well.
Your letter was beautiful!
I hate all this IF shit! It changes your life completely, no matter what your outcome. I'm sorry it is so hard for you with your friend. My best friend never really understood. After my first IVF was cancelled, she called to complain that she was pregnant again. Did she realize who she was talking too? Damn!
I hope it gets better for you and her. I think just emailing sounds good for now. Maybe she'll think before she "speaks" Take all the time off from her you need.
By the way, you got another award from me. I know you are probably beyond all that stuff, but I just wanted you to know I appreciate all your support. You are one of the best out there. You don't need to follow through.
HUGS!
As you know, my best friend and I are no longer talking. For now, it's best to put it on hold and I don't know if we'll ever talk. IF has set us apart and we are on two separate journeys and two separate train of thoughts.
Your email said it all and you do what is best for you.
Huge hugs, B and know that I'm always thinking of you.
ps. I hope I can be the friend that you need at this stage in your life because I know I do need you too as you've been there for me through thick and thin.
pps I've just replied to your email. hugs hugs hugs.
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