Finding just what I need when I least expect it

Depression is a funny little trap that is easy to fall into. I don't expect to be jumping with joy right now, but I also refuse to lie down and give up (even though it seriously crossed my mind during those first weeks after the $25k period - aka IVF#3).

While we haven't been focusing on a plan for our next steps toward parenthood right now, we have been making other plans and putting them into action. We have done a great deal of much needed landscaping and gardening and created a couple of outdoor living spaces. We have been taking time for each other with long scenic drives to the beach and different places to eat out. We have been researching and planning how to build a small goldfish pond for our courtyard area which we hope to put into action soon. I have also started running again......

The common thread to these activities is that they have been just us and have been great for our relationship and focus right now. We are enginerds tried and true and love figuring out new projects that we can hone in on, implement, and finish ourselves.

Where I struggle the most is when we add other people to the mix. I know that M and I can't just isolate ourselves for good (even though the thought to disappear to a secluded island has crossed my mind) so we attempt to make plans with other people to just force ourselves me to get out there again.

It is the same thing every time. We make plans and no matter how excited I am about the plans or the people we are getting together with, as the day approaches I start to dread being "social" and wearing my broken smile. I get very anxious the night before and come up with crazy excuses in my head as to how we I can get out of it. We generally always go forward with our plans. Sometimes things bomb horribly while others seem to go alright.

When our neighbor J called us to come over to his place that evening for dinner, I accepted and then instantly began feeling that pang of dread. After work, I headed to my therapy appointment and talked a bit about these plans and some other plans we have made for future weekends and my instant reluctance to want to keep them. It seems it is likely the depression talking and the anxiety from previous disaster gatherings that keep this reoccurring thought process. I mean, how many events can you go to and get "the questions" or get stuck in conversations that turn to pregnancy, babies, and kids and all you have to share are stories about your sibling's children or your friend's children because it's better than not fitting in at all.........

After therapy, I made it home in time to fix my face and head out the door. We didn't even make it to J's house before another previous neighbor (house owners who are renting out their house) stopped us to introduce us to the new tenants who are adding another small child to our neighborhood and "oh, by the way old neighbors are expecting #2". Love my M who reminded me that at least they don't live across the street anymore so we won't have to watch it all go down this time around. (-;

As soon as we walked into J's house he offered up drinks. He instantly knows that M wants a beer, but I rarely drink because it flares my IC. I went for the wine anyway and sucked down 4 Prelief in hopes of keeping things to a mild fire. My ulterior wine motive was also to subtly let the one neighbor who knew about CCRM that it was a bust.

As usual with this group we were the youngest ones there with most in their late 40's to early 50's. It is a weird kind of comfort when we get together as I know there will be no baby bumps, babies, or even small children.

J's cousin was visiting from Canada again and we hit it off quite well the first time we met as we share a similar outlook and value system on many things. The 2 of us were talking about different cultures and she mentioned that when they adopted their infant (now 19 year old) daughter from P.eru that she spent 3 months there before bringing her home. The other 8 people in the room somehow faded away at this point as I could tell from the familiar look on her face that she was a sister.

After a bit of P.eru talk I asked her what drew them there and how they came to choose international adoption. She talked about her "surgeries" for trying to get pregnant and many failed domestic matches. It was her husband who did the research for international adoption and started the process as she was still "recovering" from all they had been through. I could still see it in her face (likely lessened over the last 20 years), but still very much real all over again as she talked about it.....being in the hospital recovering after surgery with one of her 10th grade students behind the curtain next to her just after giving birth, failed matches that nearly caused her to quit it all... the years, the struggle, the losses, the pain.

She kept saying, "I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I rarely ever talk about it. I swear it isn't the wine...." Maybe it was the quietness that we shared when the others started talking about family members who had given birth to 8 kids in 9 years and how they couldn't imagine....... because once (or twice) was enough. Maybe she saw the "look" M and I shared from across the table as we let each other know we were there for each other no matter where else the conversation went. Maybe she noticed the tears building in my eyes at the first mention of adoption.

Whatever it was, she somehow knew it was just what I needed that night.

I told her we are at the beginning stages* of considering adoption after our multiple failed "surgeries". It was hard to get it out because I'm not fully there yet, but somehow she made it okay. She told me not to be scared of domestic because so much has changed since they tried it. She also said that when we found our way we would know it. She wished me well and we shared a big hug.

When I thanked her, the soft pause and look in her eyes was that of someone who really just "got it"......I spoke so very little, yet felt so completely understood in that simple moment.

Her only regret.......that they hadn't done it sooner so they could adopt a second child as a sibling for their daughter.

Thanks, MC for making me feel "normal" with where I am today when I really needed it most.

*This should probably say pre-beginning stages. We are really only talking around it at this point. Hop on over to Fertility Authority to read our first pre-beginning-not-really-talking-about-it-but-still-kinda-talking-around-it adoption conversation.