4:15AM: Wake up to pee again. Damn IC is in another flare.
4:30AM: Cell phone on nightstand rings
Caller: "Bonnie?"
Me: "What?"
Caller: "Bonnie?"
Me: "No."
Caller: "Bonnie, I'm not going to be there. I had to go to the hospital......"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
Caller: *click*
Me: "Nice."
4:45AM: M turns on the TV.
5:00AM: I get up to shower, but find ants coming through a small hole in the molding of our bathroom. (In case you don't know CA was built on an anthill and for whatever reason they love our master bathroom.) Deal with ants. Shower. Get ready.
7:00AM: Tears while sitting at my desk for no apparent reason.
7:15AM: Older co-worker stops by with cookies/chocolates from his Italy vacation. (Go with the bland cookie as chocolate/caffeine is out for Doppler u/s on Friday).
7:30AM: Older co-worker stops by again with digital camera to show pictures of his Italy vacation and bitch about how much the cost has gone up. (Yes, please show me some pictures of the wonderful places you have gone. Can I show you pictures of our 8 dead embryos that we spent all our money on this year?)
8:30AM: B (one of the baby shower hosts) stops by with cds of shower pics for each of my office mates. Office mates are not yet in so she asks me if I want to see them. "Maybe another day." Eyes welling with tears. Pulled it together and asked about the shower, etc. Of course, it was wonderful and lots of people stayed until after 4PM drinking champagne. (It started at 10:30AM). She asked how our "thing" on Saturday went and I just burst into tears. WTF is wrong with me?!? It wasn't like the day was horrible. I just didn't want to talk about it, I guess. Green-eyed monster in me thinking about all my friends having a fun time celebrating 2 babies on the way while M and I are sitting through seminar after seminar discussing birthmoms and protocols and procedures and all those things that mean we cannot make a baby like everyone else. B was great and asked if I wanted to go somewhere to talk. I declined and said it was just one of those days.
8:50AM: S (pregnant office mate #1) walks in. I told her B had dropped off a picture cd and asked her if she had fun on Saturday. "Yes, it was so wonderful. Thanks so much for the baby gift. I thought, this is 'so Brenda' when I opened it."
9:00AM: More tears in bathroom. I just can't seem to fully pull it together. While I'm washing my hands and trying to "fix" my eyes, in walks another co-worker. "You missed the shower on Saturday." I keep it short, "Yes." "Well, it was so much fun. I'm so glad I could make it to this one........."
9:04AM: Mass email from B - There is leftover cake from the baby shower in the secretary's office!!! (Lucky me. For some reason when I RSVP'd "no", I didn't think I would have to relive it all with second hand leftovers.)
9:25AM: I have to go to the computer lab to check on my model. To get to the computer lab, I have to go through the secretary's cube with all the cute pink and blue cake and adorable baby animal shower plates. While in the computer lab, secretary yells from her area, "Hey, Brenda, did you go to the party on Saturday?" "No." without even looking away from the screen.
9:30AM: I head back to my office to find a coworker talking to S. "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there on Saturday. I hope everything goes well for you. Are you getting excited? Blah, blah , blah..."
10:00AM: S leaves and comes back to office with a piece of blue cake on a baby shower plate. "I just have no control. I am so hungry and tired and need the sugar and....." Screaming in my head, just eat the damn cake already!!
10:30AM: One of the leads stops by and there is some modeling drama that I need to help with ASAP. I never thought I would appreciate model problems.
11:30AM: Another coworker stops by our office. To S, "How was your baby shower?" Of course, it was wonderful again and they had so much fun and everyone was so great. Kumbafuckingya.
12:30PM: The recycle guy stops by. He comes every Monday and we all love to BS with him. After some chit chat about a restaurant and food, etc. "Oh, S. My cousin had her baby. Blah. Blah. Blah." Not sure what was even said after this. Blocking it all out.
1:00PM: Supervisor stops by so he and S can go to a meeting together. As S goes to get up, supervisor asks, "S, do you just want me to go get you a wheelchair." Hahahahahah. S - "No, we can just use this office chair with wheels." More hahahahah. My eyes never left my screen.
1:50PM: Coworker calls to discuss work related issue. Then, "Oh, I won a game at the shower on Saturday." Me-"Oh." Him-"Yeah, it was 'The Price is Right' game where we had to guess the price of baby items and I have no idea how I won. (His daughter is in college). I guessed the closest for things like diaper cream, detergent, and breast pads." Roaring laughter. Me-"Yeah?" Him-"The other games were making up the most unique baby name and R's (pregnant office mate #2) husband came up with some Russian name that had almost all the letters of the alphabet. Then there was dirty diaper basketball." He did go on to explain and then had to tell me about a story when his daughter and nieces and nephews were younger and a practical joke with a Baby Ruth put in the kiddie swimming pool and..... My head just really wanted to explode at this point.
2:30PM: R (pregnant office mate #2) comes in. (She has been in the lab all day). We discuss a couple work related issues. She notices the baby shower picture cd, pops it in, and looks through all the shower pictures with little snorts and giggles. She didn't offer for me to see them for which I am very grateful. Okay, so scratch the last sentence.
2:45PM: R (pregnant office mate #2) asks how our "thing" went on Saturday. I told her it was good, but hard at the same time. She asked if I saw our old doctor (RE). I told her his was one of the best talks there, but that we didn't really learn anything new that could help us. "Well, I have shower pictures from Saturday and there are some of them opening your gifts if you want to see them." Me-"That's okay." R-"Yeah, my husband and our single guy coworker got pretty drunk off the champagne. It was good that they had each other or they would have been really bored." Me-"Yeah?" (R's husband and M are normal drinking buddies at our work functions which just adds that one extra sting of being on the outside looking in again.)
3:15PM: S (pregnant office mate #1) comes back from meeting. "R (pregnant office mate #2), thank you so much again for everything on Saturday. Everything was just so wonderful. And I loved the diaper cake you made me. I didn't want to take it apart. The ribbons were just so beautiful." R had to go into how many she has made for other friends and how long it took to make. Then there was more discussion on R's drunk husband and how funny he was and what a great time they all had.
3:30PM: S (pregnant office mate #1) brought in cheesecake and decided to get it from the refrigerator. This means our office gets 3 more visitors. There was more shower game discussion and more baby discussion as one of guys had brought his 10 month old to the shower.
3:40PM: One of the visitors and I have a work meeting at my desk. S (pregnant office mate #1) and R (pregnant office mate #2) start discussing benefits and wanting to change insurance plans, but not being able to switch because of a "pre-existing condition" (pregnancy).
4:00PM: Finally time to go home, but not without B stopping by for one more chance at some of that pretty baby shower cake.
So without going to the shower or looking at any pictures, I still managed to find out who was there, how long people stayed, what they ate and drank, what the cake and decorations looked like, what games they played and who won. I really should have just gone and experienced the torture firsthand, huh?
I think what I hate most about all of this is my negative reaction to it all. Not one person said or did any of these things to spite me - I hope not at least. They are all excited and happy as they should be. I am sad and hurting and can't relate at all. I just feel like I am drifting further and further from the "inner circle". I have lost other friends due to infertility, but not friends that I have to spend 8-10 hours a day with regardless if we have anything in common anymore or not. My stomach is in knots and I hate that I have to go back there tomorrow to do it all over again.
*~*~*
Just for the record, there are officially no more "mommy" magazines in our fecal matter work library anymore. The rest of them "accidentally" fell off the shelf today and had to be thrown away.
28 comments:
That sounds like one seriously shitty day. Many thousands of {{hugs}} for you. Sending along good vibes that tomorrow is a whole ton better.
Oh god, shoot me now!!! I'm surprised you made it through the whole day. I'm impressed! I found your blog via Polly, and I wanted to send you some good vibes for the 1day!!! We did it in Dec., and it was *exhausting*. Take some snacks if you can. If you have time, head across the street to Heidi's for lunch, and if you like italian, Via Baci in front of Target is to die for!
GOOD LUCK!!!
That sounds like hell. Loved your wry sense of humor at the end of 11:30am!! It got a out loud laugh out of me. I think I would have had to take valium to get through the day. I don't know how you do it. At least I have my own office with a door that I can get away from that kinda crap for a while, though I was dismayed that a baby shower is planned at work for a guy co-worker. At least if it's somewhere else, I can avoid the whole scene, but at work, it's too much. I may have a really important site visit to do that day!
i'm sorry...
i know probably weren't being purposely insensitive but seriously? what's wrong with people?
we all live in our own bubbles and don't stop to think about the person standing next to us and the journey they may be on.
at my OB's office last week, a couple showing off their 6 month old son told me i had chosen a great doctor, maybe he'll get me one of those - pointing to his baby.
"nope, buried my children." i bite my tongue....people are just so insensitive even when they haven't the slighest clue.
i'm so sorry brenda. know you are in my thoughts and prayers...
As long as you're just taking it out on the magazines, I think you're doing really well, all things considered.
Seriously? Do these people plan that kind of torture? I mean really? I was waiting for one of them to ask you to take a picture while they all pose together rubbing the pregnant bellies! .. how about you stay on the outside and we'll all giggle and clique!
I'm so sorry. It was like one splash of cold water in the face after the other ... what torment.
oh no... I don't have the words to say how freaking sorry I am to hear about your horrible day. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself yesterday due to (yet) another birth announcement ambush, but your day has rather put it in perspective. So sorry that you ahd to live through the pain of a shower you didnt' even go to - as if work itself isn't painful enough. Really, really sorry. And hugely glad to hear that the mommy magazines are finally where they belong!!
Don't feel badly about your reaction to the days events. Having that kind of day would had left me in some serious tears of my own. You are a tough cookie and deserve to be allowed to feel exactly how you need to feel. If that includes feeling cruddy - then take all the time you need. You have been through a lot of difficult situations and still handle them way better than others would. So be proud of yourself for that - I am of you.
(I would personally kick the butt of anyone who upset you - nobody upsets my girl!) Okay - well I've never officially kicked anyone's butt. But for you I'd try at least. Hugs!
Kumbafuckingya is right! It is so very hard for people to understand how hard it is for an infertile to deal with the uber exuberance surrounding OTHERS' fertility. I mean, I'm a pretty well adjusted chica these days. Next month it will be 3 years of infertility hell for us and, sadly, I'm kind of getting used to it. We can't make babies. It sux and its not fair but it is what it is. I can deal... until someone else's fertility is waived in my face. Then I turn into a basket case. Every time. :(
That is a torturous Monday! So sorry you have to have this stuff shoved in your face on a daily basis. I understand how you feel like you're completely removed from the situation. You know you should feel something, but the pain of IF doesn't allow you to. Many (((hugs))) to you B.
I am sorry. One word sums it all up - SERIOUSLY?!?!?!!!!!
Good luck with the 1 day - I'll be praying for you!
Oh B, I am seriously so so sorry. I don't know how you made it through it all and how exhausting it can be! I know that while working in the past, my ex-boss would go, OH MY BOY THIS and MY BOY THAT! Who gives the f*k about your boy! I know it sounds cruel but I REALLY JUST COULDN'T RELATE.
But I'd have to say B, that you did make me giggle a bit. Your sense of humour's still in you, which means you're still alive and you're a fighter!
I feel like protecting you somehow and I'd wanna scream, GET AWAY FROM MY B!!! LOL.
You're not alone. I've lost other friends from infertility too. And I feel so lonely now that I don't have my best friend to share it with. :(
Ok, I'm rambling and getting all ME ME ME again. I love you B and know that I'm here, reading on.
((((((hugs))))
What a craptastic day! Sounds to me like you were a trooper. Big hugs being sent your way and hope today is a better day. BTW - good job and disposing of those filthy magazines!
How friggen sucky. I am so sorry. That sounds like one of the levels of hell.
You still manage to sneek some humor in there, and that just shows how strong you are. (I know that doesn't help, but you should be proud of yourself. I would have given up around 7:30)
Many, many HUGS.
(I didn't even use an explanation point, which seems to make it into all of my comments. That's sayin' something.)
How totally exhausting! What a bust of a day.
You hung in there though- all day. How amazing are you? Totally- that's how! Love the magazine disaster. Did you pay someone to do it or do it yourself?
Chin up, my dear. We're all cheering you on!
OMG i am so sorry your had to enure that torture! i am proud of you that you stuck it out... i think i would have walked away a couple of times or when all those peeps entered your ofice i would have walked out.. so sorry.. i hope today was a whole lot better!! ((((BIG HUGS)))
I just can't stand reading this. How the HELL can people be so insensitive? I know people are people, but honestly, your boss is not doing his/her job. An administrator is responsible for keeping the atmosphere tolerable for everyone, and I recall you saying your boss is aware of your struggle. If I were you, I would you have a talk with your boss... but I also admit that I am a bitch at work and never hesitate to open my big mouth to my principal when I am pissed off. The corporate world is probably different.
Not only does infertility rob us of our happy marriage and our friendships, it has to ruin our professional life too.
I want to cry for you. I hate your colleagues.
Huge Hugs!!!
E
What a crappy day, B. I'm so sorry it was like that. You do all you can to avoid the shower, and then every part of it is thrown right back at you. People just don't stop and think about how other people feel. I'm really sorry.
I hope everything goes well for you and M later this week - can't wait to read about how it goes. Lots of luck and hugs!
That sounds worse than a day in hell. I'm sorry. It really sucks to not be able to get away from it. Yay to the mommy mags meeting their ugly end.
I'm sorry to have been out of touch. Just dealing with lots of my own crap, but thinking of you.
Worst. Day. Ever.
(((hugs)))
Wow!
That's incredible- incredibly sucky! At least as a teacher I can hole up in my classroom and not see one pregnant person if I don't want to. Sounds like a day of torture. It's hard enough making it through lunch with them somedays I can't imagine being stuck in an office.
What kind of shower lasts almost 5 hours! If the rehash was this annoying, being there would have been pure hell.
You should have threw the diaper cake away with rest of the fecal matter.
Here's hoping your week gets better.
Oh poor you! What a total disaster of a day. I can totally relate and have been there.
I just had an ambush pregnancy announcement today too. My older cousin, who just turned 39 and vowed never to have children, just got unexpectedly pregnant from a new boyfriend and called me up to tell me. I don't know what's worse, how shitty it made me feel, or the fact that she had to tiptoe around me and feel sorry for me. Ugh.
Hang in there hon, and keep the faith. This is going to be the cycle for you. I can feel it!
Oh, I'm so sorry you were assaulted at all sides by all things baby yesterday. It just seemed non-stop and would've lined me up for a serious trip to the liquor store after work. You are a stronger woman than I. I can understand feeling crappy about your reaction. I often feel like this jealous, petty, evil little person when all of this comes around. I hate that.
I would have left. Found the accidental happenings with the fecal reading material first and then left.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Whew, that must have been one hell of a shitty day Brenda.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Let's hope that today was better.
HUGS!!!
What a seriously shitty day. I can think of no worse torture for someone going through what you are. Hooray for throwing out all those mommy magazines.
I really hope your day is better since the weekend is here. Sorry I am late on reading. You are a very strong person who is being put through so much. I understand that people are excited but that sounds like too much for the workplace if you ask me.
Hw are you B? I've been reading Polly's blog and hope you're doing ok. Just sent you an email but you don't have to reply it if you're feeling the shits ok? Just wanted you to know that I'm here...clicking your blog, everyday, to see if you're ok.
((((((hugs)))))
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