My infertility highlights of the week

Lots of infertility related stuff going on the last couple weeks. I could really write a full post about each topic, but joining them all together gives me a cop out to not have to work through all my feelings about each. Right now, I am exhausted and very much okay with this.

1. I talked to one of my managers (J) about taking this Friday off as well as possibly needing a couple weeks in January (for CCRM). She said the timing for both was really good for our schedule and asked in a sheepish voice if we were going on vacation. She knows about IVF#1 and #2 so I could tell she was just digging to see if this was #3. I told her it was, but that it would be done out of state at another clinic so I would need more time off. She didn't really say anything except that the timing was fine. No "good luck" or "I hope this one works" or "I'm sorry you are going through this". Nothing. The look on her face said it all though. It was along the lines of, "Seriously?!? Give it up already." Gotta love that judgement of others who have no freakin' clue.

2. I was in the computer lab at work when one of my co-worker/friends stopped by because she was planning a dual baby shower for S (my pregnant officemate #1) and M (her pregnant officemate) (S & M hehe). Anyway, she wanted to know if I wanted to be invited. I said of course and asked if she needed any help. She said that she was planning it with J (manager in #1) and R (my pregnant officemate #2). I guess I knew it was coming, but these kinds of things always catch me off guard a bit. I have decided that there is no good scenario for any of this. I feel completely left out, but I know being a part of it would have been really hard. I feel like a jackass as S is a dear friend. I just wished one of them would have asked me from the start and not just told me about it an hour before sending out the evite. I am truly grateful that my friends even realize how hard this stuff might be for me, but on the other hand I hate feeling handled and left out. There is no way to win.

3. I had that uncomfortable talk with S that not only was I not a part of planning her shower, but that I already had other plans and couldn't even make it. She was a doll about the whole thing and told me to not even think about it. Easier said than done when other coworkers are asking me details about it because they have forgotten who sent the evite and naturally assumed I was a part of it.

4. I went to Target for M's baby registry. Then I went to Toys R Us, who didn't carry crap from S's baby registry, so I had to truck it out of town to the nearest Babies R Us. If that place isn't the mecca of infertile hell, I don't know what is. Baby bumps and babies and toddlers and baby gear all rolled into one. I stayed focused on the registry list trying to match numbers and get the hell out of there with a little dignity and grace. A special thanks to the cashier who gave me 2 books of coupons - "one for my friend and one for me". I have officially banned that store until we are going there for a baby of our own.

5. The witch managed to rear her ugly head once again. On the bright side, this is one thing I can rely on my body to do without fail. Because my cycles are so regular I was able to plan our CCRM visit on the 24th with at least 2 weeks notice to get better air fare. The 1 day work-up must be done sometime between cd5-13. I was almost humored when AF started as I realized I had not even thought about the possibility of actually being pregnant this month despite the fact that we still "tried" on our own. I would have gladly cancelled the CCRM appointment if needed, but I thought it was just different that I never even considered this in our equation when I booked the flights.

6. Therapy. I am really not sure what to think about this once again. I feel like a bit of a freak-show on display. She is very nice, but I'm not sure this is the right fit for me once again. I will continue to go as I really just need a dumping grounds right now. (On a side note I ran into my old therapist while out to lunch with a friend. It was quick eye contact and we went our separate ways.)

7. M and I went to the Fall Family Building Adoption and Fertility Symposium yesterday (the reason I couldn't go to the baby shower). It was hosted by Resolve and sponsored by some local fertility clinics and adoption centers. It was set up in 3 main conference rooms with 1 focusing on 3rd party reproduction (donor eggs, sperm, embryos and surrogacy), 1 focusing on infertility, and 1 focusing on adoption. We managed to hit some different sessions from all 3. Some sessions were good and very informative, some didn't tell us any more than we already know, and some I had to check the schedule halfway through to make sure we were in the right session as many of the REs tended to veer away from the scheduled topic.
The feel of the rooms was very different. I could feel hope and excitement in the adoption sessions. Lots of questions about the process, but the tone was always positive. The infertility sessions were a bit mixed. There were alot of newbie type questions with women feverishly writing down every word, but there were also alot of veterans there. We wrote down nothing and challenged the RE's in a feeble attempt to get a quick and free 2nd opinion on what our RE's have already told us. The donor sessions were much smaller and the questions extremely educated and well researched. Everyone in that room had already been through the ringer of multiple IVFs and were at the end of the line with most trying to decide if this was the new answer. I noticed a few other couples who were hopping around between all 3 rooms, but most tended to stick to one only from what I could tell.
The very last talk of the day was done by my IVF #1 and #2 RE, Dr. K. The topic was "Novel Approaches for those with Multiple Failed IVF Cycles". Ding, ding, ding. That's us!! As M and I were going through the schedule in the morning, he was very adamant about NOT going to see Dr. K to the point of almost causing a bit of an argument. I'm still not sure what the real deal was with this, but his tone really changed after lunch. The lunch tables were set up to have a "speaker" and topic at each one. When we arrived, there was only one table left that was for ARC. Nobody was there so we sat down, but the ARC lady arrived seconds later and started her spiel about affordable IVF plans, etc. She finally asked if we were already working with an RE, etc. We told her about 2 failed cycles and our plan to go to CCRM. Another couple sat down and said they had considered going there too after 4 failed IVFs. The ARC lady asked if we were working with Schoolcraft, etc. I'm not sure if it was the fact that M finally realized that others there have also had multiple failures or that others knew of Schoolcraft or what, but he was okay with going to see Dr. K after this conversation.
Dr. K's session was IMO the best infertility talk there. Not only was it informative and professional, but he also has a great personality which resonated through. He didn't really say anything more than what he had already told us - some couples just won't be able to have biological children and have much harder decisions to make when it comes to this IVF failure stuff as they need to move on to donor methods or adoption. He did talk about ZIFT again and how sometimes getting the eggs/sperm in the natural environment of the tube immediately is best for some women. Another RE from USC Fertility spoke earlier in the day on a similar study he had done using ZIFT or GIFT for women with more than 2 failed cycles with poor quality embryos. Both he and Dr. K have had some great success with this. While it was comforting to see that what we originally chalked up to crazy talk is actually a real possibility for many women with these multiple failures. I guess I'm still not willing to be a test subject with this, but I am glad that we got to hear firsthand that other REs are using this same unconventional method. After all, it really is an experimental science.
At the end of his talk, Dr. K made a statement that no clinic is better than any of the others, but some clinics are not as good. Huh?? He warned about reading too much stuff on the Internet and that claims other clinics make about being #1 in the country, etc. is likely not the case. If it sounds too good to be true.....
We were planning to ask Dr. K to do our local monitoring for the beginning of our cycle if we are able to cycle with CCRM. While I realize it is probably not his first choice of things to do, I still trust and respect him greatly as well as love him as a doctor. As M said, he's a great doctor, but an even better person. We just need to cycle with CCRM to be able to close this chapter in our lives and know that we tried what we consider "everything" for us. (Hell, it could even work. Damn hope is starting to creep in once in awhile again.) Now, I'm not so sure I even want to ask him. I have no clue where we would go otherwise. Hmmmm........? Always something else to work out with this stuff.