- First off, we have options. Not zero or even one option, but OPTIONS. That has to put us steps ahead already. Although they don't include all the options we previously wanted or needed, we know we are not out of this game by any stretch.
- Secondly, setting up a consultation for a second opinion with CCRM doesn't mean we are locked into an IVF cycle. We're just talking and gathering information. Sounds safe enough to me.
- Even though I waiver alot about wanting to do another cycle, I ultimately know that we need to do one for closure or at least hear from one of the top clinics that this really is not an option for us anymore. Waiting and letting my few good eggs (I hope there are a few anyway) go to crap isn't going to get us anywhere. This is not really something that we can wait on.
- Sitting still and mulling over these options isn't going to get us a baby. It makes me crazy, irritable, depressed, and anxious. We just need to pick something, move forward, and regroup as needed.
- Many of you have come to similar crossroads and managed to push right through. I'm not poetic enough to say something like you all have moved me, but that fire under my ass has ever so gently been lit again. Thank you!!
I took a day to really just let everything you wrote sink in and then M and I had a heart to heart on our next steps last night. We are now "with plan". Of course we all know that planning things in the IF world is a total oxymoron though, so maybe we will just say we know which direction we are heading for now.
My incredibly wonderful husband is completely open to any of our options and has really been thinking through things alot too.
- We share the same fears of a third IVF not working, but also know that if CCRM can't get me knocked up that (in our minds) it is not going to happen. This is our "closure" step in this IF cycling nightmare.
- We share the same fears with a DE cycle not working either. There are just no guarantees and neither of us feel too comfortable with this one. What if there is something more wrong for us than just my "crap" eggs?
- We share the same fears about adoption: bonding issues, failed adoption, letting go of wondering who the baby looks or acts like, not experiencing pregnancy, etc. M spent some time talking to his brother J about this when they were visiting last week. M is worried about feeling like he is raising someone else's kid (in his very non-PC guy terms). The older of J's 2 boys is really his step-son. J has been a part of his life since he was 6 months old and admitted that in the beginning he did have trouble bonding and feeling like it was his son, but then it just went away. He said that the baby had no idea that they weren't blood related and looked to him for care and love. They are a family no matter how they came together.
We decided that we do at least want to hear what Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM has to say. We now have a phone consultation for October 7th. If he gives us the green light, we will do a 3rd IVF cycle. If he doesn't think he can help us, we are done with injections and eggs and all the cycling insanity.
Whether we do an IVF cycle or not, we have also decided (with my prompting) that we need to start looking at other options now. I told M that I need to know what our next step is now because I'm not up for the hell that follows another failed cycle. He was a bit surprised (but happy I think) that I felt this way. I guess I'm just done putting all our eggs in one basket so to speak. We agreed that we want to start looking into domestic infant adoption. For now we are just researching and gathering information while we work through some of our fears.
I am thrilled that M and I are on the same page with everything. He told me that he almost hopes that Dr. S will tell us that he can't help us so we can move forward with adoption and know with some certainty that there will be a baby in our house sometime soon. A couple months ago (hell, even a couple weeks ago), this would have upset me alot. Last night it gave me some relief. We just want to be parents.
19 comments:
I was 35 when I met with my first RE. Of course, hindsight is so useful when it comes to realizing why maybe the best decisions weren't made, but I wish I had gone for the big gun clinic at that time instead of the perfectly nice but ultimately basic office I stuck with for two years.
I think that giving it that one last super-hero effort would make it easier to move on to something else, if that turns out to be necessary.
I hope CCRM does the trick.
I feel so much with what you're going through, especially with your last sentence, We just want to be parents.
You are truly a very detailed person. You have all these options going for you and it's hard to decide which is best. Both you and DH will decide eventually what's best, I know for sure.
Somebody told me once that we need to decide how many cycles we need to determine before we give up. I don't know, I beg to differ. I think one needs to decide themselves when they feel that it's the right time to close the door, give up the dream of being parents to your own biological child and move on to another route. A friend of mine did 28 cycles of IVF but I never told her once that she should give up. I think she needs to decide that for herself.
I digress. *sorry*
Anyway, no matter how many cycles you wish to do, whether this be the last one or whatever you choose to do, just know that I'm here for you.
I feel like breaking out into a song, You Ain't Heavy. You're my sister.
(((((huge hugs))))
Pam
I understand your need for closure, I needed that myself. Hooray for having a plan...you may not know what direction this path will lead to but you are moving and that can be nothing but positive. ;)
Brenda, your plan of action sounds SO good and I'm super glad that you guys are both on the same page with regards to what youre plans are moving forward...
At least now you can sigh that breath of relief and know that you're moving forward...
And I'll be here each step of the way to see what happens next!
I'll second, third, and fourth everyone. This sounds like a great plan. Looking into CCRM and seeing what they have to say is no real commitment just yet, so you'll still be maintaining your options. And you'll come to your decisions when it feels right. This is the only control we have in IF and you're making sure that you're not IF's bitch...good for you! I wish all the best for you as you move forward. And I'm so happy to see the hubby is on the same page...that's so important! In any case, your happy ending is getting closer every day!
So fantastic that you have a plan in place! I'm glad you are feeling better and ready to take some of the next steps. Good luck with your appointment on the 7th - I have heard great things about CCRM (is that where Dr. Check is?). I'm on a high FSH board where a lot of the women have gone to CCRM or Dr. Check and have had great results.
I am so glad that you see options, that is so important. I was a traditional surrogate and it was a wonderful option with great results. I wish you so much luck!
That is all so beautiful, especially that you and your H are thinking along the same lines. It's amazing to see the focus that can eventually come from days of wandering in chaos, especially with some support and encouragement. It's a testament to the power of shining light into our dark places and trusting other people with what's in those corners. I feel very hopeful for you. You are very strong.
I am so happy for you that you guys are feeling "on the same page." It is such a blessing...I completely understand your feelings and frankly am so glad that you are out here in the world expressing them...you are in my thoughts and prayers...
I am just so happy for you that you have come to a place of moving forward. Your road has been long and hard but I believe you blessed because of it!
I admire your strength and I am so glad you and M are on the same page!
Crossing my fingers for your phone consult....
I am so happy to hear that you have a plan and that you and DH worked through some of this. CCRM is "the best", so I really have my fingers crossed that they can make you two parents.
"We just want to be parents." You hit the nail on the head.
Isn't that what it's all about?
I'm glad you and M are on the same page. You and I are sitting in a boat together, sailing through this hell, but we can feel good about the fact that an end is near... and we can face that end, regardless of where it brings us. Kind of funny to realize that infertility has in fact made us stronger women. Seeing so many of us live through this hell makes me positively certain that we can survive anything.
I'm glad you feel good about your next steps. Moving forward, always.
You're always on my mind.
*HUGS*,
E
I am so happy and excited for you -If I'm being honest, I didn't want to see you "go out" like that. I totally agree with the closure part. And, I think you owe yourself one last chance with IVF.
You are so right - you do still have options and it's good to hear that you and DH are on the same page. It's whatever you two are comfortable with and no one else's decision. You'll know what's right and what's wrong for you.
I don't know you, but I just want to give you a hug!!! My hubby and I are treading the same waters with you ... it's enough to zap all the energy from your mind!
We only have another week or two to make up our minds ... it's crazy! Have you heard of adopting embryos?? Seems to be the new fad for adoption ... and less complicated. We're looking into our options there ... but still hoping to have a few more rounds with the RE.
I will be sending you positive thoughts!!!!
This is a wonderful post to read. Knowing that the past few weeks have been so rough but it seems that you found the right path! Soooo happy for you!!!!!
I love this plan because the milestones are clear and you're both on board with it. I also love that you're discovering other options. There is a certain sadness that goes along with being at the point of *having* to seek other options, but it's sooo liberating to find options that feel right.
Keep on keeping on.
It's good that you have plans now. Considering what M is going through is very fair for him. He's too worried for you, i think. No wonder he wants to move on. I'm glad that you are slowly recovering from the failed cycle. It's hard. I don't know how I am going to feel this time next week but you will be my model of support.
Saw your comment on my blog. You always know how to make me feel better. Thank you so so much, my dear friend for being there for me.
((((((hugs)))))
ps I've just replied to your email. Read it whenever you're free. ((((hugs))))
B-I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I've been kind of MIA lately, but I've been checking on you on your blog. I am so happy that you and your DH feel the same way about things.
It's nice that you options, too. I know that you will be parents, one way or another.
((hugs))
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