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I'm still working through where to go next in our journey and have been trying to figure out a way to explain it, but I don't know if this will really make sense. LOL.
My graduate advisor taught the required math classes that everyone in my program had to take. He went to one of the top engin.eering schools on a full scholarship beginning at the age of 16. Smart. as. hell. but with "quirks" beyond repair. Seriously, 2-3 hour impromptu meetings where we were stuck standing the entire time to discuss if the title of a conference paper for the following year should use "turb.ulence" or "turbul.ent flows". I questioned my sanity on a regular basis the 2 years I spent with him. I digress......
So, he made all of his exams "open book". Not just "open book", but open notes, homework assignments, old exams, programmable calculators, laptops, and magic Lima beans if we thought they could help. He may as well given the exams in Swahili because I never recognized much of anything and even remember looking around the room to make sure I was in the right class during the first exam. With all of the materials and tools we could use, it became a little overwhelming just trying to figure out what to look at without wasting too much time just searching with no real benefit gained.
This is somewhat a depiction of how I feel right now in terms of our next steps in our baby journey. We have so many tools available to us and are a bit clueless on which one can actually help us, if any.
We could go the donor egg route with our current RE, cycle at CCRM with my eggs, and/or start the adoption process. There are no guarantees that any of these methods will help us start our family just the same as there were no guarantees that all those extra materials we could use for our exams could help us find the right answer. I'm not ready to really jump into any of them yet, but have that same worried feeling of running out of time (or eggs in this case). Each of these options comes with it's own risks and benefits. I am slowly trying to weed through all the information out in web-land hoping to find the right next step while still keeping true to my heart.
- I find myself reading alot more adoption focused blogs although I'm not up for commenting yet. I have yet to find one that doesn't make me tear up at some point. All of the fears I have about adoption have been felt by so many before me. A co-worker's wife was an adoption attorney for many years, but stopped a couple years ago to be a SAHM. I know I could ask her to guide us on the process, but I can't get through the conversation in my head yet without crying so I don't think I'm really ready to move forward yet.
- I have read up a bit on CCRM too. I like what I see, but I just don't have that drive to make an appointment yet. I know the wait time will probably be long so I should get on it, but something is holding me back so for now we will wait. I have requested all my medical records from my OB/Gyn and both RE's as well as scheduled my annual pap so I guess I am at least making baby steps here.
- I am still scared of the DE path, but don't want to rule it out as it could be the only way for me to experience pregnancy. It could also give M a genetic tie to our baby.
In my grad class I was so sure I was on my way to getting kicked out of the program until I found out at the end of the quarter that my advisor scaled. And did he scale. For better or worse, it all worked out, but I had no clue this would happen until the very end. It feels a little familiar again with not knowing if any of this will work out. There is no way to know for sure until there is a baby in our arms. If only this baby thing worked on a sliding scale, those 2 F's we got in our IVF cycles would be at least C's. I'd take that passing grade toward graduation any day.
19 comments:
First up, I love the design of your new blog. Very pretty.
I am glad that you had a good time with the 2 little angels. I get a kick too when my 2nd-cousins call me, Aunty Pam is home!!
All your options sound good but it's just which one to go for. And that's just such a hard decision to do.
Whatever decision/s you make ultimately at the end of the day, I'll be here for you. I wish I could look into a crystal ball and cruise my long red fingernails over it and do an Aerosmith, WALK THIS WAY.
ps Don't know if I should be saying this or not, but CCRM's giving me good positive vibes for you.
((((((hugs)))))
Lurve the new look of the blog :) And I am glad that you achieved the happy medium of you time vs family time - those little ones sure can tug at our heart strings right?
Your options are all sounding good Brenda, the only thing is for you to decide on one - not an easy feat I know... what I always do when faced with a huge decision like this is to write a pro's and con's list out - that way I'm forcing myself to think logically and not only making the decision with my heart and gut feelings... once the lists are complete then I bring in the emtional side of it...
Is there any reason why you cannot pursue both adoption and the DE or own egg cycle at the same time?
Good luck with the decision making - it's never easy!
HUGS!!!
I love your new blog design! Take some time to decide which direction you want to go in. You're right that there are no guarantees, but for me, when it came down to it, I went with the option that has the greatest possibility of helping me become a mommy.
I'm glad you had a good time with the boys!
I don't have any advice to give as to your dilemma of where to go next. When you're ready, you'll get moving, in whatever direction you decide. Who's to say you have to pick one? All 3 scenarios seem like they're going to take time. Maybe you can look into 2 of them or all of them at the same time. Cover all of your basis so to speak.
Sending lots of good thoughts your way!
(I don't know how to edit comments, and I wanted to make a small change so I deleted my original comment.)
Love the new look!
So happy to read that your week with the boys was a good one even if you had to work a lot.
You have options and that is the most important thing. I look forward to reading about the decision process and ultimate success. {{hugs}}
Sounds like you had a great time with the boys even though you had to work alot.
You'll sort through this stuff. It is very hard to know which direction is the best, but I am one of those people that think that everything happens for a reason.. even though sometimes the reason is crap!
Love your new blog layout/design!
figuring out the next step is a difficult one.. we took some time doing so. We knew adoption was definately a plan which is why we went ahead and started that very long process in th mean time we were debating back and forth whether to close the IF chapter or not.. Really our talk with CCRM was the determining factor in that. We were fully prepared to hear "sorry your done" but were suprised to here quite the opposite. Getting that second opinion was really what helped us... But you have to go withyour gut and what u feel you want to do.. we all will be here what ever you may choose cheering you on where everyour journey takes you :) (((HUGS)))
I am glad that you enjoyed the little ones.
I think that you should process your feelings about each turn you could try, and then go from there. I mean really be honest with yourself about how you would feel about DE, Adoption, etc. and do the Pro-Con thing to see which option comes out on top.
It is hard to even think about what do to, I so totally get that, and I am here if you need me. Hang in there sweetie, it will work itself out.
Hi, Brenda - I have been reading your blog for a while, but like you on the adoption blogs, I haven't had it in me to post comments until now. We currently just had our 2nd IVF cycle cancelled and are at a cross roads, too. It's a tough decision we both have ahead of us. I wish I had the answer for you and me - but, I think only time will tell. We are going to try 1 more cycle this month with our current RE and then just take the rest of the year "off" so to speak. We are going to take a few months to sort through feelings and then get back on this hourse 1/1/09. Good luck - I'll be reading and praying for you.
Brenda ... I'm so sorry you're having to be in the place where you are, looking at the options in front of you ... where did the option go to drink a bottle of wine and seduce your husband? (oh the days)
My heart breaks for you. And I feel like we are at similar places.
Know that I've got a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft on 9/29 and w/Stanford on 9/17 and w/Dr. Zouves on 10/4 ... I'm looking into ovum donation and embryo adoption. I know it's not what you want to be doing - but I hope I can inspire you to pick up the phone and keep taking steps forward. The way I see it ... the quicker I take steps the quicker this whole ordeal will be over (or so I hope) ... when I marinate in it, depression gets the best of me.
And I don't want ED to kick you in the shins while you're down.
I love you a ton sister,
Polly
Decisions are so overwhelming, aren't they? And you have such big ones in your hands. If we all had unlimited gobs of money, this might make it easier. I understand that none of us are getting any younger, nor our eggs any fresher, but whatever choice you make has to feel right. I hope you arrive to that decision without extra heartache. We have enough of it in the business of IF.
Also, love the new look!
I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I have been reading... but I've been so self absorbed in my own relationship drama that I haven't had the intestinal fortitude to really give my TTC'ing friends the support they need and deserve. I'm really sorry for that. I know what you mean about having too many options... not sure what the "right" path is. I wish I had some magic answer. I will say that I know several other veteran IF'ers who were successful at CCRM... but I admittedly know a few who were not as well. I'm sure you know that fact and I'm sure you feel the hugely scariness of that... the what if EVEN THEY can't help??? I wish I had an answer for you.
Also the talking about adoption: that's so hard. In the past I tried to talk to my husband about that but he would never hear of it. Just said we would discuss it when we came to it. I'm sure that on some level it must be a little bit of a relief to you that your DH brought it up on his own... but then again I'm sure it's also depressing that now even he realizes the gravity of the situation.
Oh so many emotions. I'm sure my rambling isn't helping. But I just wanted to let you know that I AM still here. Lots of hugs.
Hey Brenda,
It does sound like you're in information overload! You are certainly doing a good job at weighing multiple options, which is great.
One thing about CCRM to think about, I don't know where you live, but depending on the state, CCRM can provide a free phone consult. I have friends in Florida and Ohio who weren't charged to speak to a CCRM doc. I live in Kentucky and was charged $250, but I felt it was something we needed to do in order to move along in our decision process.
Big hugs as you make these big decisions. :-)
I'm glad the visit went well with your relatives. It must be so hard to be faced with so many unknowns- that is something that I don't deal well with - uncertainty. But whatever path you go down - know I'm here to listen each step of the way, and will always have you in my thoughts and prayers. (engineering school at 16? Wow - that's crazy!)
I like the new look as well!
Lurve the new blog design! Very pretty!
I am glad you had such a great time with your nephews. I know I enjoy mine.
I hate that you have to struggle with these decisions. I hope that you carefully consider everything and have peace with the decision that you and M come to.
Yeah, know what you mean about motivation, and CCRM is just a 10 minute drive from my house. I go to the "other clinic" in town, but am considering switching. I think my protocol might be helpful for you. It involves taking human growth hormone. It helped another woman with the dubious AMA diagnosis I know who had a failed cycle at CCRM. Anyways, e-mail me if you have a question about it. I still have faith in your eggs.
I've walked in those shoes, the ones where you're trying to decide how to become a mom because IF has torn through your life. We have a beautiful four-year-old son through surrogacy, which was a route that scared the hell out of me, but ended up being an amazing experience.
Wishing you baby dust with whichever path you choose.
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