- Research and find another clinic who will accept us for an IVF cycle - I'm just as scared of being accepted as I am rejected
- Stay with current clinic for ZIFT - Even without research, this seems like a crazy gamble
- Stay with current clinic for donor eggs - Currently too scary to even be a real option for me
- Bail on the treatments and move on to adoption - M is nowhere on board which allows me to not consider it a real option yet
- Screw it all and learn to live child-free - I'm angry that this is even an option, but I'm not the only one making the decisions
I need to get this out so I can make it go away. ED has been softly knocking on my door lately and for the first time in many years, I am really having trouble fighting him off. I get the logic part of this that tells me that ED does not equal control, but there is a strange sense of comfort that I find with ED even after all these years. I completely understand that this is my way of avoiding dealing with everything, but having this knowledge doesn't seem to mean much right now. I'm scared and hope just writing it here will keep me accountable and help me keep ED out of my life.
21 comments:
Brenda,
I really wished we lived closer to each other. I wish we could get together and talk. I'm so sorry it's so bad right now. I think it's okay not to know what you want to do next (if anything,) but I'm sorry it's so hard.
Could you talk to someone about ED? I had a friend from high school that battled it for many years. My friend's sister also stuggles with it, even today. I can't imagine trying to deal with it on my own, on top of everything else that is going on in your life right now.
I just want you to know that you are such a great friend. It hurts me to know that you are in such pain right now. I hope writing about it helped in some way. I wish I could help in some way, too.
I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. Give yourself plenty of time before you start making big choices, and just remember: we are all here for you.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I wish that I could make it all go away.
I know this doesn't help in any way, bubt last night, MTB and I stopped by Dairy Queen for a small Blizzard, and I toasted you.
I really hope you feel better soon.
I think not having a plan is, in someways, a very disorienting thing. So it makes sense that you would venture back to ED, though you know that didn't work for you in the past. You probably already know that the ED is just a way to keep you from feeling your feelings. I'm so sorry that this is a tough time for you. Sounds like you just need some space and time to grieve.
Brenda - I wish I could say something to make it all go away. There is no rush to have a plan - it's what you decide and when you decide it. Take some time and the answer(s) will come.
As far as ED, I do agree that it might be helpful to talk to someone. Dealing with infertility is hard enough, let alone trying to handle ED all by yourself. It's too much.
I know you know this, but we're ALL here for you and ready to help in any way we can.
B - Please don't be so hard on yourself. It has only been a week. That really is not very much time, especially considering how long a cycle takes to prepare for and go through. A week after my negative I was still feeling stunned and numb.
You don't have to decide anything today or tomorrow. Just take it one step at a time. It's hard and I'm so very sorry for that, but you can get through it. And you can do it without ED, who is sooo not your friend. Definitely reach out to someone who has experience with ED and can help guide you through this.
And keep writing here because we'll all sit with you when you need us.
Hugs to you.
praying and thinking of you...
fight off ED my dear! you are better than he is and if you need to talk to someone about it, do it!
know you have so many people supporting you and loving you! and no need to make any *big* decisions until you are ready.
thinking of you always....wish i could do more to help.
I think that everyone has great ideas for you and I am sure that they are all hard to hear because really only you know how you feel and how hard it is to even get through the day! But I am going to add my thoughts anyways (I guess thats what blogs are all about) ... Allow yourself time to process, allow yourself time to feel, it really is okay to not know what to do next. I think as a society we are really pushy about 'moving forward'.
If ED is a problem ... seek help!
There are many options and it sounds like you are exploring what you can and know lots of them ... I remember when my dearest friend was at a place that seems very similar to where you are and we offered to be a surrogate with her! This was ended with with a very happy ending but she still has moments of sadness and it is okay! Feelings are good but we need to be allowed and allow ourselves to have them!
Sorry for all the rambling ... here is some strength for you!
I am praying for you to have the strength to battle ED and continue on your IF journey/decision making process. We are here for you an understand the pain and unknowns. We can do this together!
I think one of the hardest parts of infertility is not knowing what to do next because nothing is 100% for sure. Some days I think putting all my options in a hat and then drawing would be the best thing to do. Of course, then I would question my sanity, but it isn't like questioning my sanity is an abnormal thing right now. HA!
I'm sorry you have all these feelings, but don't try to rationalize them right now. Try to feel them and work through them.
One thing I know for sure is that ED will not help you. He is an enemy. He will strangle you and squash any chances and options you have from this point forward. You have worked WAY too HARD to allow anyone or anything to do that. Fight the monster. Fight the battle. Allow us to be here for you & help you.
Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. We're listening and fighting for you, Brenda!
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
Read it over and over and over agin. It is very powerful. Give yourself time. You said "more than a week" and I thought "that's all?" These are huge things - getting over a huge emotional blow and making decisions about the future. Our Western culture makes us think things should happen now, now, now, fast, fast, fast but the huge things like this usually can't be resolved so quickly. Give yourself a bit more time to digest this. Perhaps if you relinquish the perception that you must affect a decision NOW, the frustration of not being in control will lessen and thus the allure of the ED will lessen? Perhaps?
Brenda I hate that you are going through this. I have been thinking a lot about you this week. Like everyone said it is o.k. to take the time you need to heal before making any decisions about next steps. I know it is hard to put on hold for a while because we want this so bad. But you really do need to take some time for you right now.
I am glad that you are being honest with yourself about ED. That is a great step. It is hard to accept what we are going through as our reality. But it is something that we have to do. Please take care and if ED gets serious I know you know to seek help.
(((hugs)))
I am huffing and puffing for ED to go away!!!!!!!
I have been thinking of you so much and I really wish there was something that I could do. It pains me to know that you have to go through this. I have been praying for both you and M and will continue to do so. I'll be going to church later and will definitely be lighting a candle for both of you.
Email me whenever and I'll definitely be a pest..i just want you to know that i'm here..and you don't have to reply back if you don't feel like it..just know that i'm here holding your hand.
I have something for you on my blog:
http://ttcwithendo.blogspot.com/2008/07/and-award-goes-to.html.
Please do drop by when u're free.
((((((hugs)))))))
Brenda,
I too just wanna reach through the computer screen and hug you. You have been through SOOOO much. I pray that you receive the strength you need in this time.
I wish I could kick ED in the face for you. I'm sorry that she's whispering her lies to you in your fragile state. ARGH - I HATE her! Please do keep us in the loop - so that she presents less of a secretive allure.
There is so much to think about and feel dealing with all that you're going through. I pray for a healthy, whole, healing process as you grieve these losses. I also pray that you are overcome with options that you get excited about and that you find peace in.
I know you're not the prayin' type so forgive me ... I just really care about you and your heart.
Much love,
Polly
Oh I know ED to... crap this isn't a time when you would want him to show up knocking at your door, but I totally grasp why he is there. All I can offer is to keep the end goal in mind when you hear that knock, and know that a child, no matter how he/she comes to you, needs a healthy mommy!! I really wish I could give you a big hug sweetie, as I know how hard dealing with ED is. Please hang in there, and if things get to hard find someone to talk to, you are worth closing the door in his face I promise!!!
A week isn't enough time to make a solid decision on something this big, so take it step by step and pro/con everything that you have on the table. I wish that there was an answer that was just obvious....
Hugs sweetie, I am here if you need me!!
Big hugs! So sorry that you are feeling this way. Don't let the ED win. Is there a support group that you could go to near your house? Take care of yourself, I'm sending good thoughts your way.
I am thinking of you, and hoping that you hang in there - ED is not the answer! It's been 2 mos since my 2nd failed IVF, and it's getting a little easier to cope - some days are better than others. I'm praying for you to find the strength to get through this rough time - you're not alone and I truly believe that there will be better days ahead!!
Dear Ed, Get the f--- away from my friend! I wanna kick your a__ back to kingdom come, you little bastard.
Brenda, I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. Like the pp said, I wish I could do more to help you. Words just don't express how much I want to hug you.
I know the pps mentioned talking to someone, and I think thats a great idea. Also, do something nice for yourself today, spa time, Nordstroms sale, gardening, or lounging on the couch, whatever your definition of "treat" is.
We are singing this song at the other end of the world:
(i, I will survive)
I’ve got all my love to give
(i, I will survive)
I’ve got all my life to live
(i, I will survive)
My loving is not in vain, oh no
(i, I will survive)
I will survive
(i, I will survive)
I will survive
(i, I will survive)
Hey
Thinking of you...
Hey there- I'm really sorry about all you've been through lately. I think that you have such strength in both the fact that you are trying to deal with this(infertility stuff) and discuss your previous experience with ED. You are so much stronger than I am - you actually can admit all of your feelings in such a greater depth than I can. I feel like a coward sometimes because I hide it all inside. You are going to come out on top of all this, and ED is not going to take you down because you are so in control of things and you are stronger than it. Your strength leaves me speechless - and if you ever need to talk, I'm always here. My best friend of 15+ years has had a struggle with ED before a few times - and it is such a never ending struggle. She said that there's almost never a day she doesn't think about it, even now. So if it does come to mind and you want to talk - drop me an email, I'm always here. ((hugs))
I'm really, really sorry for everything you have to go through. It is so unfair. I wish we all lived close by and could come and hang out with you and push ED far away from your mind.
Hang in there. Keep writing and letting it all out. We are all here for you.
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