I first wanted to say thank you so much for all your support the last few days. I'm overwhelmed and grateful beyond words. A special thanks to my friends who sent others here via their own blogs. The extra hugs and understanding words brought me some much needed comfort. I am so sorry that there are so many of you that know what it's like to have 2 (and even more) failed IVF cycles. I promise to get back into my blog commenting very soon and am sorry that I haven't been a very good blog buddy lately.
I decided yesterday to call and set up our follow-up appointment with Dr. K. I wasn't quite prepared for it to happen so quickly, but he had an opening at 3PM today. No time like the present to just rip that band-aid off as quickly as possible and get it all over with, right?
Being the good little infertile I am, I took an hour last night to come up with a nice list of 15 questions. Being the nerd that I am, I categorized them by past cycles, testing, and future cycles and typed them out in Word. M and I grabbed Subway for lunch today and went to the park near where we work so I could explain the questions to him and make sure we were on the same page with everything. We decided we still have no idea what we want to do, but we wanted to at least gather as much information as possible so we can look at our options when we are ready.
I hated walking back in to the clinic today. Afternoon appointments are for new patients or follow-ups. It is so easy to tell which category each person in the waiting room falls under. The newbies have that glint of hope in their eyes that this is the answer to their prayers. The rest of us look like we were just hit by a bus.
Dr. K came into the waiting room to get us. I have a love/hate relationship with how nice he is. He has the kindest eyes and always makes eye contact when he talks and genuinely cares what you have to say. The part I hate is that nice people make me cry when I am down and out.
We first discussed my beta fiasco. He did answer my email yesterday and brought it up again today saying how sorry he was that we had to go through that and that he would talk with his staff. I made sure to convey all of the details so he got a full understanding of what it was like for us over the weekend.
Next we went onto discussing our cycles (both 1 and 2) as we seem to have the recurring theme of crap eggs. He uses much nicer terms like "poor quality eggs" and "fragmented embryos", but let's speak of them what they are - crap. He talked a bit about egg quality transitioning at a certain age and my elevated FSH and all the basics. Then he came out of left field with the donor egg speech. There was not one question on my page about donor eggs and it hadn't really even entered my mind yet. I'm not that old, my FSH isn't that bad, and really I'm just not ready to hear it. He also talked about adoption and child-free living a bit too, but he had already lost me in donor egg land.
I know I should have expected to at least hear it mentioned, but I was in a state of shock. M and I just sat there after he finished - M staring at the floor and me staring at M's leg. Dr. K realized we were not processing things too well and left to give us a few minutes to talk.
M did pretty good pulling things together and manged to ask a few questions about other possible options. Because our embryos are fragmenting so much, Dr. K said he would like us to think about ZIFT (zygote intrafallopian transfer) if we want to continue using my eggs. Basically, this is like a regular IVF cycle, but after the eggs are fertilized they are transferred back the same day or the next day when they are still zygotes. Also, they are transferred to the tubes by laparoscopy. Doing the transfer earlier puts the zygotes back in their natural environment as soon as possible. There could be something about the lab that our embryos don't like. This procedure is a precursor to IVF and is not used much at all because it is much more invasive. Dr. K said that he has started doing more of these recently for people where traditional IVF just doesn't seem to work and does about 1 a week with pretty good success.
I didn't manage to really ask any of my questions, although he actually answered quite a few of them without our prompting. I still have no idea where we go from here. It's all just a blur of information that will take awhile to process. We are without a doubt going for a second opinion at some point, but right now I think we just need to take a break and regroup. I sincerely appreciate all of your support and will reference some of your clinic suggestions sometime in the future as we wade through all this. It feels a bit like the whole scab came off with this rip-it-off quickly band-aid follow-up and I think it's going to need a little more healing.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
26 comments:
Ok, you take all the time you need to heal. I would have gone GRRRR if a doctor were to suggest adoption cuz i'm not ready at this time to consider it yet. I mean, it has crossed my mind but like you, i'm not ready. So, yes, it looks like both you and M have got it right - to seek a 2nd opinion.
U've been my best blog buddy!!! The B.E.S.T. Ever((((((hugs))))))
ps. I've got some cute and fashionable Hello Kitty band aids to share with you, if you'd like. I've just put on one. I took a hpt: B-FUCKING-N.
It's so hard not to have a plan about what to do next. Personally, I don't think your eggs are crap. I got the whole high FSH/advanced maternal age/diminished ovarian reserve lecture from three REs. My first RE wanted me to go with donor eggs from the start. He was fired, and I worked on getting my egg quality as good as possible through Chinese medicine, lifestyle changes, supplements, etc. My eggs were fine in the end. E-mail me if and when you get to that point and I'll give you some ideas.
Right now, you are still in the grieving stage and the hormones don't help. Give yourself a couple of weeks to get over the hump. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I'm sure it's devastating.
(((((hugs)))))
I am sorry the follow-up appointment was so difficult. I would have felt the same way. I'll be thinking of you and your husband as you decide what to do next. Something will work, I just know it.
I'm glad that you were able to meet w your RE even if his agenda didn't exactly match your own. I know that I live half way across the country, but I wanted to mention this just in case there is an RE in your area who does something similar or you want to move to Dallas (kidding on that part). You may recall that before our IVF cycle, I freaked out about my RE and embryologist, and we actually met w another RE. Both of them mentioned this new procedure that they had been working on for what seem to be poor quality eggs. I don't recall all the details, but what they do is take a graft of your uterus (I think) and lay it over your fertilized eggs in the petri dish after retrieval and before transfer. That graft provides a 'homey' environment (or something like that) for the eggs as they develop, and they suggested that they had really good success with this procedure. I’m not sure, but I think that this is a two stage process where they take the graft one month, then allow your body to recover before starting the actual IVF cycle. This RE was among the first in the country to research IVF (he started w animals in the early '60s), and he and his embryologist are more researcher types than doctors. If you are interested in finding more information (when you are ready), let me know and I'll get you his name and number. He was very nice to us and didn't even charge us for the consultation. MTB and I had planned to strongly consider switching REs if we had gotten a different outcome w this IVF. I’m not trying to be a know-it-all, but I wanted to give you a heads-up about this procedure in case it could help. DE is a big step, and if you are not ready for that, I know you want to know all the alternatives.
Good luck, Sweetie. I hope you have a better day today.
As PP said, take all of the time you need to heal. I have high FSH (12 - so not extraordinarily high). I'm at the beginning of the process - doing our first IUI in August.
My RE has me taking a few things that they "believe" can help with egg quality, strengthening the mitochondria which helps in cell division. I'm taking DHEA, Co-enzyme Q10 and R-alpha lipoic acid (it has to be the "R" factor kind). They say that there is some documented proof that after 3 months of DHEA there is improvement in egg quality. I'm on 25mg per day. You may want to ask your RE about this or when you go for a 2nd opinion, make sure he/she is someone very familiar with high FSH.
I may be telling you what you already know, so if I'm being repetitive - sorry!
I think taking some time to process is an absolute necessity. It's so easy to run from one cycle into the next when doing ARTS - it's almost a frenzy - but really, we don't age that much in a few months and it allows us to understand our feelings (and the culpability of our doctors) so much better.
I don't have any stellar advice or brilliant suggestions. I'm sorry that you're feeling this and being given those options. My 1st 2 fresh IVFs I ended up having chemicals, which is just (in theory) a less painful way to say I miscarried IMO. I was pregnant for a nanosecond and lost them. When I went back for the 3rd time I almost felt like I was just going through the motions. The shiny glimmer of hope had faded. I hope you find your glimmer and catch a little monkey.
You have been thrown so much stuff to process in absolutely no time at all - coming off of your cycle. Take all the time you need, and only you know what you're ready for and when. I can only imagine that having stuff thrown at you at a time like this, when so much stuff is up in the air might feel like being hit with a bus. I hope you are feeling better about things soon, and take things in your own time. (for some reason - it doesn't seem like your eggs would be total crap to me even with what you've mentioned, but that's just my assvice - I don't really know a darn thing) ((hugs)))
I'm glad to hear from you. I was so worried about you but totally understand your raw emotions right now. Take time for you, honey!
At one point, I also thought you had mentioned Dr. Schoolcraft in Colorado. Is that still an option for you to consider? My second-opinion doctor (Doctor B) told me that if we did one or two IVF's with him and he could not get me pregnant, that he would send me to Dr. Schoolcraft. He mentioned something about this guy having success with the more difficult cases.
Anyway, I'm not trying to confuse you, but I want you to know there are still options, my friend. It may be a low time now, but you'll move forward when you are ready.
Take care, honey.
Your amazing to have even made it to the doctor so soon Brenda. I am sorry he brought up some things you weren't ready for. It is one thing to think about it and another to here it from our doctor. Please be kind to yourself and take some time. I don't know that much about crap eggs. But my FSH was fine and I keep loosing all of mine. If that tells you anything. Lots of ((((hugs)))).
First of all (((((((HUGS))))))). I've been missing in action when my fellow bloggers need my support.
I felt this way when the doctor mentioned IVF to me. I was like 'WHAT???' No way is that the next step for us. I think the doctors get caught up in what they see as the next step although all options are not exhausted. I felt like I needed to take control again and sort of take a step back. I know its hard to do when you want that baby so badly, but sometimes taking a step back is not so bad and maybe just maybe we can get preggers on a natural cycle.
TAke some time to heal. ((((HUGS))))
Hey, where'd my comment go? I thought I commented yesterday! I was thinking about you again today, so I thought I'd drop by and leave another one, but it looks like my original was eaten!
It sounds like the appointment was a little overwhelming, ya? He just went too far too fast...but at least he's given you your options, and now you can go and get a 2nd opinion with that knowledge.
Take the time to take care of yourself and your DH now, and do take a break if you need it. If you can get a 2nd opinion easily, that'd be awesome - I have no choice, as there is only one clinic in my city, so definitely go for it if you can.
I wish I had something more brilliant or useful or helpful to say...but I just don't. :( Just know I'm thinking of you and hoping you get the pregnancy you've been wanting soon, in the best and easiest way.
Sweetie, I know just how hard it has to be to hear something like that. Mine was different, but just as heartbreaking. You hang in there, because no matter how you get there, you will be a mom, and that little one is going to worship you!!!
Big Hugs!!!
Rebel
Take all the time you need honey! I abandoned my blog for about 2 months and was a horrible blog buddy -- I pretended to be so strong after our ordeal, but it came back and bit me in the arse real hard! A little time away from it all in the beginning can definitely help in the long run.
I read with admiration and horror of you going to your follow up appointment so soon! I wish the dr. had better news to tell you, I wholeheartely support you getting a second, third, fourth opinion! You just never really hear of ZIFT anymore!!
I hope your wound heals fast.((hugs))
I haven't been checking blogs for the last week because my best friend from high school was in town visiting. As soon as she left, I came to read you blog, hoping for the best. I am so, so sorry about your BFN and all the drama with your RE's office (which, BTW, may also be my RE's office). Sending tons of hugs your way.
The DE / adoption speech sucks, especially when you're not ready to hear it. Please know that I'm here if you need to talk. You know where to find me. :)
P.S. Thank you again for the pink rose!! I plan to blog about it in my next post. :)
Here for you always, whenever you are ready.
Love, E
Your friend - Erin from Massachusetts- commented on my blog and was so sweet and endearing. I would love to know how to get in touch with her if she has an email address or something. She totally needs to start a blog and journal her story too. Tell her we want her in our "club."
Also- how are you? Did you get my very small gift in the mail?
I just wanted to pop in and leave you a comment. I just read your post. What an overwhelming appointment. I'm thinking about you and hope you are doing okay with it all. I know it's hard. (hugs all the way from New Jersey)
There's so much to take in and think about right now. It's okay to take some time for yourself to regroup. Sometimes being silent helps to quiet things down so that you can hear what your instincts are telling you. Quiet can also be healing for me. It makes me feel less chaotic.
Big hugs to you. This stuff is so unbelievably hard.
How overwhelmed you must still be feeling! Am so sorry to hear you got the donor egg and adoption speech. I highly recommend getting a second (or even more!) opinion.
Hey girl. Wow. So sorry. I know how it feels, been there way too many times thus far. You know what I found worked for me, taking a break. I mean completely from thinking of cycles, IVF, and anything baby making related. I know it is ALWAYS with us, but try. I did it, amazingly, and it seemed to help me, for alittle anyway. So sending you HUGS and clear thoughts, get yourself busy and try to give you YOU time. xoxoxoxo
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. ((HUGS))
I agree with 'me' blogger.I hope that you and M are taking this time to think about the next stepS. IVF treatment strains your body. I advise you to take couple of months off and recuperate, listen to what you want to do next. If you want to carry on the IVF treatment(s), then ask yourself when would you call it a day. don't run from one cycle to next unless you are strong enough to face the outcome of the next cycle.
Feeling really sad that you are so down. I've been down lately and DH and I are thinking of all sort of ways to cheer ourselves up. You've worked hard at trying to conceive, work hard to cheer yourself and M up. He needs you to cheer him up too.
Thank you for keeping us updated despite being so down.
XOXOXO
Just checking in on you again...hope you are doing okay.
Thinking of you
((((((hugs))))))
ps told you i'm a pest! i've missed ya..so talk to us whenever u're ready.
((((((HUGE HUGS))))))
Brenda-I'm so sorry. There's nothing I can possibly say to take away the pain that you are feeling. I'm sorry you have to go through IVF again. I hope that the third time will be the charm for both of us. We soooo need it.
Sounds like you have a lot to think about following your appointment. I know it's hard to think about next steps. Keeping you in my thoughts. ((Huge hugs)).
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