I'm not quite sure how this blogging thing works yet so please bear with me.
Being the closed book that I am, my best friend suggested I start "journaling" around a year ago. Being the procrastinator that I am, I'm just now getting around to it. Why would I want to start this? I guess I really just need somewhere to sort through my thoughts and write out things that I have trouble talking about IRL. I can write it here with no problem - "We are battling infertility" - but if I have to actually say these words out-loud to another human being, tears are guaranteed. I know crying is a normal and healthy response (therapy taught me this), but it was a private and personal thing for my childhood and I have never really gotten past this. Crying was allowed in our house, but you better have a damn good reason because "someone else out there has it worse than you".
So internalizing everything became my way of coping until I met my friend ED. We became acquainted at the start of my teens and were inseparable by the end of 9th grade. ED was always there for me and helped me to gain control of my life......or so I thought. ED stands for eating disorder and I was in love. How could this be wrong? Have a bad day? Binge and purge on all those comfort foods and not gain an ounce. A dance coming up? Don't eat for days and run obsessively - I will be the skinniest one there. Feeling bloated and crampy? Diuretics are my friend. A fight with my mom? A box (yes a whole box) of laxatives can cleanse it all away. Our love affair lasted until I was just a few months shy of 21. I just couldn't do it anymore. My hair was falling out, chunks of my teeth had broken off, I was emotionally numb, and I was just too damn exhausted to care about anything other than ED. I checked myself into an eating disorder program and started the healing process. It was heaven and hell all wrapped up into one. I had to "share" feelings, wasn't allowed to flush my own toilet, and had to eat (and digest) whatever they put in front of me. I lived there for 2 months and must have enjoyed it so much that I went back for a refresher course just after my 21st birthday. I spent the next couple years relapsing on and off, but eventually I learned to live without ED. Therapy taught me to feel emotions again, but the comfort of openly sharing them with others has never really caught on.
So that is why I am here. I have alot of shit that I want to get out, without actually speaking the words. My main reason for this blog is to talk about our infertility issues, which I might even get to next time.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
5 comments:
I love that you're sharing this - thank you. My friend ED had a split personality, one side ED the other side "Ammy" which was short for amphetamine. Dear Ammy and I were good buddies for over two years in high school. Praise the Lord that Ammy and I split ways. Two years ago, 10 years since Ammy and I stopped hanging out, I saw a friend of mine who was still good buddies w/Ammy and boy ... it was painful.
I look forward to your upcoming posts about IF,
amberbye on FF - but on my blog I go by "Polly"
Welcome to the blogoshpere! I'm new to it too, and have found the posting helpful so far. Congratulations on overcoming ED. In my teens and 20s I vascilated between bulimia, anorexic tendencies and binge eating. Then I developed hypothyroidism and was hungry all the time. Now I'm just trying to stop the emotional eating, drop some pounds and regain my health. IF sucks, but at least we have each other! Letitbe from FF.
Brenda, so good to see you blogging now! I just started recently but it's been pretty slow on the TTC front for me recently. It's a funny thing, the internet, how we find out such deeply personal things about each other that we never know about people IRL. I, too have a history with eating disorders and while part of me would love to forget it always, another part of me realizes it's helped shape who I am today. (momMD from our FF buddy group)
I have found blogging quite therapeutic. Hopefully it will be good for you too.
P.S. I'm a friend from the dark side disguised in a different name. ;-)
Polly, letitbe, and Amy~Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one who has gone through the eating disorder hell. Hugs to you all.
freyja~Thanks my dark-sided friend. (: I hope this helps me too.
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