I know this isn't the end of the world and I am trying to be grateful for what I do have. I'm finding that grieving over a failed IVF is a really awkward experience. There is a fine line to walk. I don't want to deny myself the grief and anger that I am feeling because I need to do this for long term healing, but I feel guilty "grieving" knowing that others are facing illnesses and losses so much worse than I can even fathom. I don't know how long this shitty feeling is supposed to last, but I do plan to cry and let my feelings come as they please. Like I have any control anyway. Huge hugs to those who are suffering to even give me this perspective.
I really have no idea where we will go from here. Emotionally and physically I really need a break from any form of injections, procedures, and false hopes of pregnancy. And as luck would have it (insert sarcasm here), financially another shot at IVF just isn't going to happen for awhile. It sucks that this has to be a deciding factor on if we can try again to have a baby or not. I wish we had been candidates for shared risk (denied due to FSH above 10) or had some embies to freeze for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) because then we would have at least had a plan in place and know that we had a second chance. M. and I haven't even talked about what to do next. I think the poor guy is still in shock. Maybe some good old raunchy sex is in order. Word has it that some people actually get pregnant this way.
Because an engin.eer without a plan is like a baker without an oven, I have alot of issues not trying to do "something" so here is my "plan" to help me prepare to make my real plan. Okay, so not really a plan, but some stuff I need to do to help me get to a place where we can figure out what to do. No real order of significance, but here goes:
- Annual visit to the dentist - I'm starting small here, but this is still pretty big for me because they always have to ask if you are pregnant or there is a chance you could be pregnant before doing x-rays. I hate answering this question even for medical reasons. Trust me, if I were pregnant they would have heard me screaming it from my front door.
- Get some form of counseling. I don't know if M. will want to go, but I really need something right now. I am not sure if I want individual counseling or group therapy or what, but I know I need to go. Flashbacks of my 2-month stay in ED rehab hell will make it hard for me to follow through with this one. Therapy is hard work and I don't like to talk about or admit things about myself out loud.
- Make a follow up appointment with my RE. I want to go through what his thoughts are on why things went down the way they did. I also want to get a copy of my records so I can research a bit more on my "issues" if we decide to do IVF again. Yes, I really do need all the details.
- Focus on work while I am at work. I have not been doing so great with this the last few months. Trying to make a baby has consumed so much of me that it has spilled over into slacking with my career a bit. We are coming into a very busy part of the project and I need to bring my A-game from now on.
- Get involved with some volunteer work. I have spent way too much time lately being self-absorbed in my own infertile world and really want to focus on someone else for awhile. I don't know what is out there yet locally so I need to start looking around.
- Finish up some house projects. Our house needs 3 new pergolas and a paint job that we have been putting on hold for about 2 years. I would like to build the 1 new and 2 replacement pergolas ourselves, but just need to get M. on board. We will hire someone to paint the outside. We are also in the process of putting a plywood floor in our attic above the garage for storage. This project is one of our "make room for baby" plans that just lost it's drive.
- (Re)-discover gardening. My love for gardening comes in spurts and my last spurt was almost a year ago so things are looking pretty shabby. I did go out yesterday to cut back and clean up things in our atrium. I don't think fountains should have green water. Yes, I have really been a slacker, but it looks great again - minus some empty pots from dead flower removal. Our front, back, and court yards are also a disaster right now.
- Make regular visits to our elderly neighbor again. I hate that I have not been over to see our 86-year-old neighbor since Christmas. December was our failed IUI and then we were prepping and going through IVF. These kind of excuses suck. She is one of the most kind and gentle souls I have ever met. Her husband passed away 2 years ago this month after nearly 64-years of marriage. She is still pretty up to date with current events, but I mostly love to hear her stories of her younger years.
- Look into acupuncture. I have no idea if this can actually help get me pregnant. There are so many conflicting studies, but I hear such great things about it. Pregnancy dreams aside, I am hoping it could help with this chronic pelvic pain. There is always a burn in my pelvic area. Sometimes I know it is my bladder, but most of the time it just hurts all over "down there". No localized pain - just a constant burning/cramping kind of thing. I would love for it to just go away.
- Regular walks with the pooches again. Our geriatrics don't even really like to go very far anymore, but they still love to go for their walks. I need to make this a daily thing again. I have no more excuses with the time-change now.
5 comments:
I found your blog through Polly's and I found hers through FF. I wanted to say again how sorry I am that things turned out like they did. Although it's not the same thing, most comforting thing I heard from a friend after a miscarriage was this, "There is no fairness to the situation. There is only time." I hope you find peace.
I have several of those same goals (work, house, accupuntcure) for myself for the coming months. Last night I was a little tipsy and thinking about IF as Zeno and I came home from dinner. I sort of realized that although I do (currently) believe we'll manage to get pregnant, it's going to be a long time coming. I see some women who whiz through 6 or so months of IF, but that isn't going to be me. My path is going to be longer. *shrugh* I'm now focused on tring to live WITH it. Which is different than actively combating it. :P
I'm sorry things are so rough right now. (hugs) I totally know what you mean about needing to have a "plan" (and about knowing that plans aren't always so easy to stick to!). I really appreciate the encouragement and support you've given me, even as you're in the middle of all of your own stuff. I'm around too, if you ever need to talk. ((hugs))
B. This road is so hard and so painful - we do need to take some breaks - come up for air and refocus on our lives for a bit. I've not had a failed IVF, but I would imagine it's a lot like suffering the loss of miscarriage. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm sorry that you don't have a FET to fall back on and that you have to wait - I totally get what security there is in having a plan.
Bug hugs to you,
Polly
Thanks so much for all you kind words. I read them all multiple times today and it really helped me so much just to get through the work day. There is nothing better than feeling understood. Love you guys.
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