Crap, you say?

M. and I were sitting in Dr. K.'s (our RE) office waiting for him. My hands started sweating, my heart was racing, and I could feel the dizziness coming on. Deep breaths. Focus. Look at M. Fortunately (I think) none of my craziness had to do with our follow up failed IVF appointment, but the eel in the fish tank behind Dr. K's desk. I know I have an irrational phobia of snakes and anything snake-like, but OMG I wanted to high-tail it out of there and find my happy spot. Seriously, that tank is supposed to help me relax? Okay, onward.

Dr. K. came in and sat in his high-back chair which covered most of the tank. Now that's a little better.

Dr. K.: "So how are you guys doing?"
Me: Swallow lump in throat. "Alright." Thinking "Alright as in still going through one of the biggest disappointments of my life alright, but thanks for asking.
Dr. K.: "I know you are probably pretty frustrated and having a hard time grasping your IVF not working."
Me: Shaking head yes. Thinking, "Over 2 1/2 years of this TTC crap, out nearly $18k for fertility treatments, getting ready to start therapy, and crying at the mention of anything TTC or baby related. Frustrated or on the brink of crazy - take your pick."

My thoughts are in no way directed toward Dr. K. He is wonderful and very caring. I just need to get my real answers out somewhere before the sarcasm meter in my head explodes.

So we moved onto our cycle.

The good news - great sperm (nice job M.), great lining (go uterus), nice response to meds (way to wake up ovaries), and the transfer was very easy (high five to all the girly parts - okay and to Dr. K.).

The not so good news - poor egg quality - much nicer than "crap eggs", but no better meaning. From 16 follicles came 13 eggs of which 8 were mature and most didn't look that great. 3 knocked off early, 1 fertilized abnormally, 1 failed to divide. Of the 3 that survived and were transferred, 1 looked great with 8-cells and the other 2 were fragmented and at 4 cells each. He thought we still had a chance with the 8-celler and can only speculate why it didn't take - stopped dividing, genetically abnormal, etc.

So now what? Because of my elevated FSH (11.1) and age (34), he doesn't want us taking much of a break. He still thinks we have a good shot at getting pregnant with a different protocol that will hopefully improve my egg quality. He wants to get me pregnant ASAP. My heart skipped a beat just hearing him talk about me getting pregnant. It was one of those surreal, "oh shit, he means me" moments.

I asked about diet, whey protein, wheat-grass, etc. He asked how much I had been reading on the Internet and M. sold me out with a sarcastic "just a little bit". He said the overall gist to almost any of the articles out there is to eat a healthy well-balance diet and not go overboard with excess of anything.

I asked about immune system issues as Interstitial Cystitis and Endometriosis are both suspected auto-immune conditions. He talked a bit about Reproductive Immunology. He said this is one of those areas that is not very well understood yet and that there is alot of evidence that doesn't support immune issues being a problem. He is not convinced one way or another. In theory, he believes that some immune systems may have a higher tendency to attack foreign objects (sperm or embryo, etc.) that enter. The studies that have been done are not completely conclusive with this theory yet though. He would like to keep me on steroids throughout my entire IVF#2 cycle "just to rule it out".

I asked about acupuncture and he said the studies are split about 50/50 for if it helps with fertility. He recommended I give it a try for the relaxation alone. Of course many people find the thought of needles poked all over them not so relaxing so he said to stop if I don't like it and not think twice about it. He gave me a couple referrals (who of course are not ones covered by my insurance). Another mini-panic attack here when he moved his chair to get the referral cards. Stupid, creepy eel.

So he has a new protocol for me, but wants to look at a couple more things and will have his nurse call me with all the specifics. He mentioned starting some medications about a week before the start of my next IVF cycle so I'm guessing either Lupron or estrogen??

Dr. K. mentioned trying to find a way to make the cycle cheaper too as he knows we are self-pay and disqualified from shared risk (stupid FSH). I didn't even know this was an option, but will gladly accept any discount he can find for us.

Now the big question is when? Assuming we didn't find that golden egg on our own this month and we feel "ready" to do this again, I will call when my next cycle starts (~April 13th) and then start meds around the third week of that cycle (~May 4th). I am not completely sure this is what we will do yet, but I have a month to get into the right mindset to decide. Bring on the therapy.

Whew, sorry for the novel. I guess I'm still on an adrenaline rush from that eel. Yes, it really was that bad.