I have been putting alot of time and energy into working on some goals I set a couple weeks ago after our failed IVF. I started by trying to find local infertility support groups and located 2 nearby. One is led by a therapist and scheduled to meet weekly and one is peer led and scheduled to meet monthly. After lots of contacting (does anybody return email or voicemail anymore?) I finally found out that the therapist led group is not currently meeting due to lack of participants. Okay, fine, I can still go to the peer led one which was supposed to meet today. I just got a call that it has been canceled so it will be another month before there may or may not be another meeting. I was really feeling good about these meetings and getting out there and actually talking about personal "stuff" to others IRL. Right now I am just disappointed and frustrated.
I have also sorted through and researched a bunch of therapists and acupuncturists that are covered by our insurance and specialize in infertility. (Insurance help was half the battle with this). I will start calling both on Monday for appointments. M. wants to go with me, but he doesn't want therapy to keep us so focused on our infertility. He thinks therapy and talking about things that bother and frustrate us will make things worse as we might talk about infertility too much. I pray he keeps an open mind. I know therapy can make things feel worse at times when "hot spots" are touched, but I also know it can help you sort through and make sense of thoughts/feelings/attitudes. I think he is really afraid his own childhood will come to surface.
I also scheduled dentist appointments (not until May) and the follow-up appointment with our RE on Monday (03/31). I don't know what I am expecting to hear from our RE. "Your eggs are crap", but in nicer doctor-like terms is pretty high on my list. I have been doing a little research on elevated FSH, endometriosis, auto-immune issues, IVF protocols, etc. I still haven't found that one thing that gives me the hope and confidence that a second shot at IVF will work. I was so sure the first one would be it for us. I know it will hit me. You know those "Ah-ha" moments where things just feel right again and hope is restored.
Until then, I will continue to work on my goals. Our geriatric dogs are loving their walks, the attic floor is almost done, the yard clean-up is done and planting plans are coming together, and hoping the rest will fall into place too.
And for added bonus this week, I decided to add in another couple "-oscopies". Way TMI ahead, but I have no shame. LOL. I have had blood in my stool a couple times a month since September 2006 - yes that is 2006. I did have it checked out back then and they couldn't find anything wrong and recommended a colonoscopy. That was put on hold as I did the other "-oscopies" (cystoscopy, laparoscopy, hysteroscopy). Well, now this issue has been occurring more often so I went in and had an analoscopy - just a very short scope in the backside. Of course, there was nothing to be seen again so I am off to a G.I. specialist for him to rummage around and see what he can find. I thought these kind of appointments weren't supposed to happen until my 50's.
Moving forward.......
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
5 comments:
I am so sorry that you are not able to find the support groups that you need right now. That suckers. I hope you both find what you need in therapy, even if it is rough at times.
Personally, I'm glad you talk about your oscopies! Am glad you are getting it after having that symptom for so long.
"I thought these kind of appointments weren't supposed to happen until my 50's."
My husband has vascular issues. What demographic tends to have vascular issues? Every time we go to the doctor for my DH the waiting room is filled with people over 60. It's crazy.
I'm glad you're getting through so many of your goals! I can relate to having a DH that's a little *wary* of therapy- mine won't have anything to do with it, not even coming with me to my appointments. Men. ;) I hope your RE appt on Monday is at least a little encouraging. And that your hope starts to come back sooner rather than later. (hugs)
I think it's hard sometimes for DHs to realize that you're focused on your infertility all the time anyway. Not taking about it with a therapist doesn't make any less on your mind. It just helps you deal with it better.
I hope you get some answers and a new plan at your appointment on Monday. I think it's completely normal to use a break, chosen or not, to get done all that other stuff you need to do to live your life. When you're in the middle of a cycle, so much gets neglected.
B, thanks for this wonderful post. I'm so sorry you're not able to find the support groups that would be SO helpful for you right now. For starters, in mine, we talk a lot about how thinking about and talking about infertility IS EXTREMELY common for ladies suffering with it - it's our emotional reaction to this trauma and it helps for you and DH to hear this - so that you're not shamed by it, kwim?
Also, because you can't get access to a support group right now I think it's AWESOME that you're doing therapy. What I've found is that my therapy isn't about infertility (isn't that weird?) it's more about how I handle/cope(or don't handle/cope ;-) my struggles in life (and at this time the struggle happens to be infertility. So yes, M will most likely be diving into his childhood - but that will be so good for him and for you. I hope he stays a willing participant for both of your sakes.
And lastly, yes, thank you for sharing about the oscopies ... that is scary I'm sure and I'm glad you keep being diligent about what may be causing it. The good news is that they haven't found anything in all of the looking they have done - it is frustrating I'm sure - but a little reassuring that it's not something blantantly obvious (and horrible).
My heart totally gets what you're going through at this time ... and I so pray that today's meeting with RE will bring hope and not despair. As a fellow high fsh'er and autoimmune issuer ... I too want to see answers for you!
Pulling for you bigtime,
Polly
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