all craptastic things must come to an end

Lately it is harder to come to this place than it is to stay away.  I've wasted hours writing and deleting a good 50 posts since the last one I actually published.  The right words are just not there anymore and it's time to put an end to the madness and start letting go.

Before I delete the unpublished posts, I often wonder who the person is that wrote those words.  I wonder how and when she came to be that way - sad, bitter, angry.  I wonder if she will ever feel comfortable in her own skin again.  If her insides will match her outsides and the fake happy facade can finally fade away.

Sometimes it feels like I am back to square one.

And yet, I know I'm not.

I'm out and I'm living and I'm pushing forward.  I'm trying with everything I have and yet the sadness continues to sit just under the surface.  This was not the life I ever saw myself living.

Sometimes I forget.  Forget that our path to parenthood is stalled out.  At a dead end.  Likely over.  Today I sat in our den (while I was supposed to be dusting) and fantasized where we would put a crib and changing table.  I mentally rearranged the closet organizers to accommodate hanging rods for tiny clothes.  Later as I put away cleaning supplies, I thought about what things would need to be done/rearranged to pass a homestudy.

Tonight reality set in once again and the tears just continue to roll.  Who am I fooling?  Crib?  Homestudy?  I don't seem to remember M having a change of heart about adoption and last I checked my reproductive system had all but checked out on a permanent vacation.

When did it all become so complicated?  Never in a million years did I expect that someone who exists only in my head could be powerful enough to even make a dent on my fully-reserved-for-M heart.  Yet somehow M and my imaginary baby are collectively shredding it to pieces.

I don't have it in me to write about childless-not-by-choice living so I think the time has come to say good-bye to No Regrets...

I don't even know if anyone is reading anymore, but just in case...  I do want to thank everyone who has stopped by, silently followed along, commented, supported, commiserated, helped me see another point of view, and pulled me out of some of the most craptastic times of my life.  I know without a doubt I could not have made it this far without you.  I apologize for not being in a place to follow along with you and offer up the same support right now.  I hope to check in on you all now and again and I am sending out a wish for everyone who is still battling this beast to find a way through.  So far the alternative really sucks ass (said in my fake-cheeriest of tones).

And if you have made it through, please, please, please don't ever forget your sisters still in the trenches...  when it seems they have it all under control is likely when they most need to hear a simple "how are you?" from someone who has been there.

“Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words.” -Rainer Maria Rilke




**and for my FB friends, I didn't unfriend anyone - just deactivated my account**