3 years ago today I wrote my first post here at No Regrets. I was 2.5 years into this trying to make a baby business with my first IVF just on the horizon. If someone had asked me then where I thought I would be 3 years later, I would have told them that I would likely be a mom of at least 1, maybe 2 (or with a second on the way). I would have told them that my 2.5 year battle with infertility was difficult and stressful and that it had changed me, but that it was all so worth it in the end because my child was worth every bit and then some.
2 years ago today I was a few BCPs into my final IVF cycle. I was now 3.5 years infertile. I had sadly spent a good portion of the year either curled up crying on the couch or frantically googling IVF statistics, odds of pregnancy with elevated FSH, IVF protocols, crap eggs, and IF stories of hope. I found my renewed hope in CCRM and cautiously let myself get excited that they could do some voodoo ovary magic. If someone had asked me where I would be in 2 years, I would have told them that I would be a mom. One way or another, I would be a mom.
1 year ago today I was around 11 months post final IVF failure. I was now 4.5 years into the IF depths of hell and I was pretty much a mess. At times I thought that driving under a semi seemed like a better choice than facing the next day. M and I spent part of the year in therapy talking about loss and then adoption and then the losses of adoption. If someone had asked me where I would be in 1 year I would have told them "either a mom or a mom-to-be in waiting."
We read adoption books. We attended a weekly pre-adoption support group. We went to adoption lawyer info sessions. We started to get our house in order. We were on the adoption path...and then suddenly we weren't.
Today. Oh sweet today, how did you ever become part of my life?! I now have 5.5 years under my belt. Infertility still has a grip, but it has loosened up a bit. The tearful cloudy times do linger around, but I am also allowing myself to see the sun. I mean, really see the sun. I am living in the midst of my infertility, but I am living in spite of my infertility, to spite my infertility. I am living more than before infertility was a part of my life.
Virtual proof of my last year...
January
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| Las Flores Canyon Mine Exploration - Altadena, CA |
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| Camping and Exploring - Aguereberry Point, Death Valley, CA |
February
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| Snow shoeing - San Jacinto in Palm Springs, CA |
March
Trapeze Class at Richie Gaona Flying Trapeze School - Woodland Hills, CA
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| Canyoneering down a 90' waterfall - Rubio Canyon, Altadena, CA |
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| Hiking and Climbing - Santa Ynez Falls in Topanga State Park, Pacific Palisades, CA |
April
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| California Poppies - just outside Palmdale, CA |
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| Rock, Hop, & Scramble - Malibu Creek State Park |
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| Hiking in Rustic Canyon - Pacific Palisades, CA (The place I gots da poison oak from.) |
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| 120' rappel into Pinnacles Cave where we spent 8 hours underground exploring - just outside Las Vegas, NV |
May
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| Kayaking, camping, and other shenanigans - Black Canyon (on the Colorado River at Hoover Dam), Boulder City, NV |
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| Mastiff puppy take 1 - Sweet baby Moose on his first day home |
June
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| Camping & Class IV+ Whitewater Rafting - Upper Kern River in Kernville, CA |
July
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| Backpacking through the entire Zion Narrows - Zion National Park near Springdale, UT |
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| Finished up a big outdoor remodeling project and really took some time to just sit and enjoy it |
August
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| Outside Lands Music Festival - San Francisco, CA |
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| Blog friends meet up!!! Me, Sarang (private blog), Meg Head (because the real Meg couldn't be with us), Melissa G (who I lifted this photo from), and Nikki. Yup, real women outside of this box battling this same IF beast. Strong, incredible, supportive, amazing real women. |
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| Day hike with the girls in Mt. Baldy Area |
September
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| Backpacking weekend - Inyo National Forest at Lake Sabrina, Bishop, CA |
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| The "Brenda pose" after a hike to the top of Mt Baldy (10,064'), Mt Baldy, CA |
October
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| Backpacking and climbing Mt. Whitney's summit, the highest point in the continental US (now est at 14,505') - Lone Pine, CA |
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| A true Cheech & Chong Halloween - mega fatties, skeleton beer koozy, and an officer with a good sense of humor |
November
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| Mastiff puppy take 2 - Miss Paris (aka Lil' Bit) on her first day home |
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| Finally made M a Turducken (that's a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey) after nearly 10 years of pleading |
December
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| Hiking and Camping and ending the year in the same National Park that it started - Badwater Basin (lowest point in North America), Death Valley, CA |
If someone were to ask me today where I think I will be in 3 years, I can honestly say that I just don't know anymore. I would still love nothing more than to be a mom, but I also know that I will be able to find a way to keep on going if that doesn't happen. So while the me of 3 years ago expected at this blogging milestone to say that, "This battle with infertility was difficult and stressful and that it had changed me, but that it was all so worth it in the end because my child was worth every bit and then some", I instead find I'm allowing myself to be worth every bit and then some as I live in the right now...
It is certainly not the life I had ever imagined for myself, but I am the only one who can live it. I will own it and enjoy it and make the most of it...with No Regrets.
Happy 3rd Birthday, No Regrets.
31 comments:
Great post! I think year 5 was the turning point for me too. My attitude changed and I got better at being ok with the uncertainty, and better at being ok with the possibility that it was never going to happen (and moving into yr 8, now with an egg donor AND a surrogate in tow, still might not).
I am glad you have begun to devote so much more time and attention to yourself. Well done! It isn't an easy thing to climb out of that hole. xx
Thank you, so much, for writing this post. I have been moving on, although I backslide now and again, and it is so nice to see someone embracing life!
No one could ever say that IF beat you. No, you didn't win in the traditional sense, and I wish there was some way to make your dream of motherhood come true, but you did not lose, either. I am in awe of your adventurous spirit (my little local hikes and runs just seem to wither in comparison!).
Hugs to you always.
Very thoughtful post. And the photos are spectacular. I'm proud to say I recognize a few of them! I wish we lived closer to sone of those parks.
You are a strong woman embracing like. Love it!
Happy blogoversary. I love the last couple of lines in this post (paraphrasing) that it is your life, you have to own it and live it. I am so proud of you. You are so strong.
((HUGS))
Brenda, this post was SPECTACULAR! It makes one stop and realize that, despite IF, there is still SO much beauty in the world. And the way you embrace it is inspiring.
Of course I wish a million times over that you had succeeded in adding the adventure of motherhood to your list of photos over the past 3 years........but you have shown all of us the life can still be lived, even when we feel we've hit the very core of the Earth.
Is there any chance you'll be joining us at FIF 2011 in Las Vegas??? Rumor has it the REAL Meg will be there! =)
Happy 3rd blogoversary!
Congrats on a life well lived in 2010. The pictures are amazing and I'm thinking you might be in my neck o' the woods given the locations (I'm in So CA, Pasadena). Your hike in Rubio Canyon was just up the road a piece from me).
I hope that you get where you are going and that you can one day add pictures from your journal of motherhood.
You are amazing. Those photos are gorgeous and I'm so envious of your skills and love of hiking, camping and being outdoors.
Sometimes it's so easy to let IF completely define us - but when you can take stock of you life like you have - it puts things in perspective. You're so much else. Already.
You are my freakin' hero. I love your blog and I love your attitude. I hope the next 3 years (for that matter, the next 10, 20 and 30 years) holds moments better and greater than any you could hope for or imagine.
Happy blogoversary!
this was an awesome post a true story of inspiration....thank you for sharing!
Great post! The first part had me feeling sad but then you went out with a bang! Geesh girl, you are soooo adventureous, I'm envious! You are beautiful and you sure know how to make the best of what you've been handed in life! Smiling now!
You certainly make the most of your life. Your year looks awesome.
There are certain people that I wish I could wave a wand over and give them that final piece and you are certainly one of them.
Wow, what an inspirational post. Here's hoping you have at least as much fun over the next 12 months!
I had a bi sh*tty grin while reading this post. You ARE worth every bit and more! I hope you remember that.
(And how could you have been as close as UT and not informed me? ; ) )
What a post, B.
You are so amazing. You really are. I love that you decided to find so much adventure in your life and to take so many risks. I still can't believe you did the trapeze! I think I would secretly love to do that!
I'm so glad that you started blogging and so glad that we 'met' each other. I hope someday we really can meet in person, too. You have been the one person that really got it while we both went through all of the IF stuff.
Happy blog birthday :)
truly fabulous post. what an amazing and inspiring year you've had. unbelievable! it's wonderful to see the reclaiming of life.
happy birthday little blog!
Happy blog bday, Brenda! This post made me shed a few tears with your straight talk and strength. Thank you for being so inspirational and showing how it is to live life so fully. More and more, I'm learning that living "in the right now" is the only way to live. This post reminds me to keep doing that.
(ps - love being part of a "guest shot" on your blog ;) My only regret is not making it down to SoCal yet...soon!
Happy Birthday to your blog!
This was an amazing post - and wow, what gorgeous pictures!
I think sometimes it's a good thing we can't see into the future. As much as I'd like to know where I'll be a year from now, I'd never have made it through the last 6 years if I had seen ahead.
Congratulations on living your life in the NOW. It's an incredible accomplishment!
When I look at these photos, I see a woman who deserves so much credit. You are a woman in full, not needing anyone or anything to feel whole. I know it was not easy getting to this point of strength, and I'm not sure I could achieve what you have achieved. I have never met any person with more to give to a child, to the world, than you.
Love you always, E
Okay, your July picture just made me drool a little on my keyboard.
I love this post. Love it. Love it. I keep thinking at the moment about how we turn our lives into stories (too much time spent reading Don Miller books, I guess... d'oh!) and one thing that I keep coming back to time and time and time again is how we can only ever imagine one sort of happy ending for ourselves, and for others. For those of us who get sucker punched with IF stuff, it seems like the moment we're always looking towards, the moment when we get to walk off into the sunset, is the moment we have a baby in our arms. And I think that it's easy to forget how mcuh more complicated life is than that - that there are so many other ways to have a happy ending, to live life with all our hearts. I loved reading this because it shows just how much you are living life with all your heart. I'm not sure if I've expressed myself properly, but I hope you know what I mean.
Happy Blogoversary!
P.S. Your backyard looks awesome!
What an amazing year! I would love to do one quarter of what you did this year! I think you are amazing and doing a beautiful job of moving forward with whatever comes next. Happy Blogoversary.
Happy 3rd anniversary!
Your last year has been amazing and I hope you can continue to do the things you love.
Absolutely amazing. You've come a long way, baby! And dang. What a set of photos! Happy Birthday, blog.
I am so proud of you and happy for you. What a beautiful post. Much love!
GORGEOUS photos! I just found your blog through a friend's. Look forward to following you!
~Jess
http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/
it is so satisfying to see those amazing pictures and know that the real you is alive and well and happy, in spite of what may not have gone as you hoped over the last 5 years. I am so proud of you for turning your nurturing spirit to yourself - and just in awe of your adventurous life. I am inspired, both by your photos and your attitude. (Not that I'll be up Mt. Whitney anytime soon. A little jaunt around Will Rodgers, maybe.)
Happy blog-versary!
Happy Belated Blogoversary my friend. You deserve some happiness in your life. Great pics. Nature is such a great healer.
If my year were even half as fun and adventurous as yours, I may never have attempted motherhood (yeah, that's the truth); I'd have been too busy with so much other stuff to even think about it.
You have an awesome life, no matter how you slice it. I'm sorry IF muddied it but it sure as hell didn't devour it.
My best wishes to you, always! And I hope you're gathering another bunch of great pics to post at the end of this year!
I think you are my hero.
Amazing pictures and wow, what a post, hey!
This post had me in smiles as I looked through the pictures and I am still wishing that someday, we will meet up.
Amongst all my bloggy friends, you will always have a special place in my heart.
big hugs and love from down under,
P.
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