*poof*

Good-bye June.  Hello...um...stay with me here...errr...is anyone even out there anymore?...*flipping calendar pages*...crap, where has the time gone?...it can't be...but *poof* just like that...yup, it's December.

AGAIN.

Christmas #6. 

Oh joyful holidays, how I have longed to see you in this barren state once again. 

Yee Haw.  Let the good times roll.  (Please excuse my slight punchy-ness out of the (re)starting blogging blocks).

Seriously, I've got this one in the bag though, my friends.  An infertile holiday pro if you will.  Who needs a kid when holiday liquor and gooey dessert goodness are so socially acceptable and readily available this time of year?!  (Reminder Note to Self:  Find Mr. Self Control again one of these days...)

Obviously I've made great strides of progress since June (and managed to keep my sarcasm in full force, just in case you thought I was serious).

I have been living in a glorious state of denial and it has been for the most part fabulous.  I have avoided most everything to do with pregnancy, babies, parenting, and the like.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?  We all know that one is a misnomer, but damn did I ever stuff this infertility crap deep this go around.  Deepity.  Deep.  Deep.  Deep.

I somehow managed to build up a nice shield of armor blocking out the emotional death grip of the infertility beast.  (You know, the one that mangled my heart and stole parts of my smile.)  Really, it was going pretty well.  Just pretending everything to do with pregnancy and babies and parenting wasn't part of reality.  I handled a couple face to face pregnancy announcements without so much as a flinch.  I congratulated girls who I used to babysit for on the births of their 4th and 5th babies.  I even hit the big baby superstore where I spent a couple hours searching for just the right gifts for a couple of very dear friends without any tears. 

I had become invincible and at times really thought I was finding a way to be okay with where we are at.  Turns out I was in denial over my denial.  A whole new level, even for me.

M and I had one meaningful conversation about anything to do with parenting between June and late October.  Did I mention how deeply I can stuff?  It ended with a whole lotta tears and a decision that adoption is not the right choice for us at this point in time.  Maybe one day, but I am trying hard to come to terms that this will likely never happen.

*poof*

Grief.  Take 1,436,524.  It's okay though.  I'm a pro at this stuff now.

A couple weeks later I went to a seemingly innocent 50th birthday lunch for one of my male coworkers.  As we approached the door to the restaurant I saw my old office mate with her baby.  I was partially confused at first (as the lunch consisted of ~20-25ish mostly middle-aged men and 4 women during working hours) and then instantly overwhelmed.  In my moment of unpreparedness I resorted to what I have always known best in these situations.

Do NOT look at the baby.  Do NOT talk to the baby.  Do NOT make mention of the baby.  Do NOT sit near the baby.  In case this isn't coming out clearly, I wanted nothing to do with the baby or the space surrounding the baby or the people talking about or near the baby. 

For some background, I wrote a bit about the thought process of going to these kinds of lunches in the first place a couple years ago and why my head goes to the places it does and actions ever so obediently follow suit.

Once we walked in I noticed that my other old office mate also had her toddler there.  So apparently I missed the memos that 1) it was bring-your-baby-to-inappropriate-work-function-luncheon day and 2) today wasn't going to be my day.  I'm not bitter though.  Really.  Fortunately the table was huge and there were still seats left open away from babypalooza.  I still had most of my tough exterior shell covering my heart and managed to have a pretty good time in my usual spot of hanging with the guys talking about football, home repairs, dogs, and outdoor adventures.  I was near my boss and my boss's boss so I had to appear to act normally (which already was a bit of a farce because what young *pffftt* middle-aged woman doesn't flock to and squeal with delight at the sight of those adorable little bundles).  Okay, aside from that all was going fine (said with a gritted teeth fake smile).

And then near the end of the meal I looked up to see my friend tapping to the beat of the song spilling out of the overhead restaurant speakers.  She was tapping on her son's chest and singing to him as he followed her every move so intently and with the most adoring grin.  It was a look reserved only for his mama.

*poof*

And my tough shell built up over the last few months melted away in an instant.  Left exposed was a really raw spot that I wasn't sure what to do with.  The deeply stuffed packing job I had done with this crap had become so intertwined into a jumbled mess of emotions and feelings that were hard to separate when so quickly and unexpectedly uncovered.

Anger.  check.
Grief.  check.
Hurt.  check.
Longing.  check.
Jealousy.  check.
Despair.  check.

I want to be the one receiving that look.  I want to be the one singing and chest tapping and loving on and teaching and learning from and, and, and.  I have never wanted something more in my life, but there is no working at it more, trying harder, practicing extra, or paying more that will make this one work.

I cried when I got back to my desk.  Then I cried all the way home in the car with M after work.  He tried to be a consoling voice of reason, but I wanted no part of it.  I was hurt that my friend didn't give me a heads up.  I was angry at my body for failing me so many times.  I was frustrated with M for trying to reason with me when all I wanted to do was cry it out.  I was a whole mixed bundle of other hidden emotions toward M for not wanting to adopt.  I was in bed by 7PM with the covers pulled high over my head.

*poof*

Hello familiar emotional infertility mess.  What an unwanted yet oddly familiar comfort?? you are.  Or maybe the comfort is just simply the need to actually feel something again? 

Two days later M and I went to a RESOLVE workshop. It was originally scheduled to be an all day conference with multiple sessions in multiple rooms and vendors lining up the hallways, but due to a low number of registrants (see, people do actually get to leave this crap behind!!) became a morning workshop with four 1-ish-hour sessions. Infertility and IVF. Donor options. Adoption. Coping as a Couple.

And somewhere in one of those sessions I think we finally figured out where we will go from here...for now anyway.  My attitude on this tends to hit peaks and valleys within matters of minutes.  So not the ride I signed up for.  But *poof* welcome back to the world reality.

One day when I find better words, I'll start talking about what I see in our future.  Right now I just want to focus on getting through the holidays without being the Grinchmas asshole yet again...