que sera sera

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~Lao Tzu

Okay, so I'm not so sure that one inspires me or makes me feel like something bit me in the ass. Damn "Let reality be reality" BS.

How about:

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic. ~Anonymous

So not what I'm going for here, but come on, is this not perfect?

Alright, last one:

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. ~Josh Billings

Close enough.

I would make some clever reference describing what the cards in my hand look like right now, but my skill level in this area is near equivalent to that of my baby making skills.

I suspect I don't need to provide any further explanation on that one.

I can tell you that in my hand is one hunk of a king (which is somewhat hard to write without giggling because he is so much more a joker). All references aside, he is pretty amazing. Anyone who puts up with me on a regular basis, manages to maintain some level of sanity through it all, and still comes back for more has to be pretty near spectacular.

So this king of mine and I are not on the same page when it comes to figuring out what our future holds in regards to parenting. We are at least still reading the same metaphorical book which is always a good thing. I, however, am at the end of chapter 10 (of this 10 chapter book) and ready to dive into volume 2 while he is hovering around the middle of chapter 4 and not exactly feeling motivated to continue with it right now. I would love nothing more than to just spoon feed him my abbreviated Cliff's notes speed reading version, but know all too well that there will be a lot of wide open gaps left this way (much like my understanding of anything to do with Shakespeare). I suspect in my excitement of finally feeling volume 2 within reach that I might gloss over how hard it was for me to get through some of those volume 1 chapters and summarize each for him with "...but it all ends out just fine. Let's just move onto the next book, okay?"

It isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to our potential future child. It isn't fair to me. He needs time and space to process and grow. And wouldn't you know it I happen to have a little time and space to give these days...being childless and having all the freedom and spare time in the world to selfishly spend doing whatever I want (said with sarcasm...and love. Always with love).

This is not my journey alone.

This summer I won't be active juggling ball games or dance practices, but I will be actively hiking, climbing, and traversing to my heart's content.

That's the back of my head with a do-rag on. I swear my head isn't really pointed.

I won't be searching for new activities to keep the kids from fighting in the boredom during summer break, but I will be training a giant knucklehead puppy who has gained 20 lbs since I introduced him here and has taken to sitting on our other dog as his number one tactic to get back whatever latest toy he feels she has stolen from him*.

Considering he is already 65% of my weight at not even 5 months old, I might have my work cut out for me.

I will not go on summer evening walks around our neighborhood discovering the world all over again through our child's eye, but I will discover more of my own world while hiking and camping along the breathtaking trail of the Zion Narrows (rated one of the best hikes in National Geographic Adventure magazine and is the slot canyon to which all other slot canyons are compared).

This is not my picture, but I can't wait until I have my own just like it.

I will not be running through the sprinklers with the kids on the hot days of summer, but I will be whitewater rafting on the Kern River and spending lazy days on various beaches with dear friends.

The middle one is the back of my covered up head again.

I will not be shopping for a new school backpack or spending the last days of summer teaching anyone to climb across the monkey bars at the local park, but I will be backpacking and climbing to the top of Mt. Whitney (the highest peak in the continental US) - crampons, ice axes, mountaineering tent and all.

Again, not my picture, but someday soon...

I will not be attending any birthday parties with bounce houses or over-frosted cupcakes, but if this disaster ever gets finished I will be spending many a summer night with a glass of wine while relaxing with good neighbors and friends.

What a perfect time for a puppy

I will not be hitting any amusement parks to wait in line for the paddle boats with anxious and excited kids, but I will be kayaking and canoeing out in the great wide open.

Please don't laugh at my hat. I have sensitive pasty white skin, people.

I will not be singing nursery rhymes to a giggling toddler, but I will take a girls weekend to here:

I would love to say that my main purpose for going here is for the great music, but I am pretty clueless (and about a day younger than Jesus apparently) and am a little too honest to admit that I don't even know 80% 95% (who am I kidding) of the bands listed. Of course I love hanging out with the girls, but I have an ulterior motive to hopefully meet up with (please) some bloggy friends (pretty please) if they will have me for a few hours or so...(Sarang, Meg, Nikki, Melissa G, banditgirl, Shelby) any chance y'all might be getting together around this time? And is there room for one more?) (-;

We have decided to take a break from our therapy sessions and focus on what is right in front of us for awhile. Children and parenting will still be discussed, but they will no longer be our current focus.

Along these same lines and as much as I hate to do it, I will not be blogging much (if at all) for awhile (likely for at least the rest of summer) or living in this wonderful and amazing safe haven of the blogosphere. I am apologizing in advance (as well as for the last month plus that I haven't been giving out any support) and hope you all can forgive me for not being there to cheer you on as you make your way through and help you up when you fall. Cycles and pregnancy and adoption and everything child related is not part of what is in front of me right now (no matter how much I want it to be). I need to see and appreciate and live my life with what it is in the now and see where that happens to take us.

Only time will tell how this one might end. Most days I am okay (said with tongue pressed firmly in cheek) with where we are at, but likely only because I will continue to frolic and swim in the river of Denial (yes, with a capital D) until he decides if he is up for the challenge of volume 2 or not.

Dear God, please let him want volume 2. Amen. With a cherry on top. And sprinkles...but only if that is how you roll. I think we both know how flexible and accommodating I can be, right? Uh...God? ...Hey, are you still there?

He's laughing again, isn't He?

I will be happy. I will be living. I will miss you. I will be back and better for it.

p.s. Thanks for all your support and great info about my positive ANA. For those who asked, my titer was 1:320 with a homogeneous pattern. I don't see the rheumatologist until this Thursday. Lovely HMO insurance wait times. I'm done and over with worrying about it (most days). It will be whatever it will be and we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep moving on. Thank you very much with sprinkles and lots and lots of chocolate. Because that is how we roll. Hear that one, God?

Que Sera Sera.

Okay, so I went to youtube to add the video for this and apparently didn't know all the song lyrics before using the term:

...Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be...

So forget the video. I still think the overall sentiment fits so the title will remain.

What's one more proverbial kick to the head at this stage of the game?

Que ser-fucking-a sera. We all know that's more my style anyway.

*This is apparently inherent to these gentle giants. Click here and scroll down to Temperament for a good laugh on this trait of the English Mastiff breed.