Current conflicts, dilemmas, and other random ironies bouncing around my noggin' in no particular order or without any semblance of order really:
We do not have children. We are not pregnant or actively trying to become pregnant. We are not adopting or actively looking into adopting. Yet, this past weekend we went in search of suggested parenting books that might be helpful for us to read. Anyone else see any ironies here?
*I tried to use the number 57 in place of 48, but my issue with odd numbers pushed me over the edge. I could have just left all of this alone so I didn't have a 57 now staring at me twice in this paragraph, but if one is attempting to show their true crazy there should be no holding back.
Some days I feel like for us to adopt means that I am transferring my feelings of loss and grief with infertility onto the other members of the adoption triad. For me to fulfill my dream to parent means another parent must lose the opportunity to raise their child as well as their child lose the opportunity to be parented by someone who shares a genetic connection. It isn't at all clear to me how to reconcile this one.
At some point M will either find acceptance in alternate family building options or we will continue to live childless (not by choice). I never imagined to be in a place where I could only have my marriage or a child. (I am by no means making a choice here - just pointing out that the 2 of them together may not be an option).
My latest rappelling/caving adventure put me in positions like this:
The irony of feeling stuck both literally and figuratively between a rock and a hard place was not lost on me. Nearly everyone who followed from the beginning of this blog with IVF#1 are either parenting or on their way to parenting or have stopped blogging...or some combination of the 3. I miss all the friends I have made along the way who moved away from this place. I don't blame them, but it doesn't mean I don't miss seeing their name pop up with a quiet "still checkin' in" note once in awhile.
Hallmark made this Mother's Day commercial. It makes me cry every.single.time. People who make others cry are mean. Mean people suck. Hallmark should not make Mother's Day commercials unless they want people to think they suck.
I am in love with this breed of dog (English Mastiff ~est weight of 175lbs)
and have spent a great deal of time trying to convince my better half why it would be a great dog for us - known as gentle giants and couch potatoes, but love to snuggle. He is now on board and I am the one dragging my feet. I am still missing my golden buddy.I have heard from an adoption agency that the majority of the fees prospective adoptive parents pay to them goes toward advertising. I think on some level I got this is how a good majority of the adoption process works. I think on another level I was not prepared for how this now "possible" personal reality would stir up so many internal ethical issues.
There are days where I think that maybe I could still be happy living without children and then something triggers one of those "lifetime" daydreams and I wonder how I could truly ever be happy when something I so desperately want as well as the lifestyle I have always imagined for myself is forever missing.
I wonder if I will ever get rid of the poison oak that has take up residence on my legs. Despite all the websites that say it should last around 14 days, I am currently at day 24 past exposure with 1 doctor visit and one phone-in prescription refill under my belt. Current attempts that have NOT worked include calamine lotion, hydrocortisone cream - oil based and water based, vinegar, baking soda, aloe vera, oatmeal, rubbing alcohol, moist burn pads, benadryl (oral and spray), hydroxyzine, a 6-day course of oral steroids, a repeat 6-day course of oral steroids. At least the oozing has stopped...
small photo for those who don't want to see it, but clickable to larger for those gory medical types whose curiosity gets the best of them. This is the larger patch during the earlier days...before the smaller patches showed up everywhere else and now refuse to leave. I see another doctor appointment in my near future. I find some irony in the fact that after sending out a link to this article as well as this one to several IRL friends during NIAW, I came across a photo link where a couple of these same former "girls night out" buddies got together for babies' day in this past weekend. I'm not sure if it stung more to see the pictures and know I'm not in their club anymore or that they did not send any kind of response or acknowledgement to the articles.
Some combination of therapy and marriage is wreaking havoc in our lives right now. Not sure I know where to go with this one yet...
I wonder if "fake" pregnancy announcements will ever be funny to me even if it is the means to not waiting in a very long line at an amusement park for funnel cake. I was exposed to one on a very personal level this past weekend and I could feel the fun draining out my toes as the "story" unfolded and was told down to every painstaking detail. Fortunately, it was as we were on our way out and I could let the "friend of a friend" thing slide without going into super-bitch mode.
As much as I love and relish in the blogosphere, I am contemplating putting No Regrets to rest sometime in the near future. Maybe because there aren't many out there in the same place I am anymore. Maybe because I blog so infrequently anymore. Maybe because I get tired of sounding like a broken record - a stuck broken record. Maybe because I realize how much my personality has changed from kickin' ass and takin' names to whinefest 2010. Maybe it's just time... I really don't know yet.
As much effort as I am putting into finding my "happy" and getting involved in some pretty amazing activities lately, I can't help but wonder if I will always end each one with the thought that I would give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant I could be at home as a family of 3. Am I just passing time with activity band-aids?
Scratching my poison oak is almost euphoric. Once I start, I.can.not.stop. CAN.NOT.STOP. I am beginning to understand the mindset of someone with CDO** who cannot stop washing their hands. OMG, heaven...even though I know I shouldn't.
**CDO: It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be...I mean if you're into all that even number, alphabetical kind of thing.
When I attended this adoption seminar way back in September 2008, the psychologist (and also a reunited adult adoptee) leading the group left us with the thought that adoption should always be a last choice because children are better left with biological parents who can't support them than adoptive parents who can. In 2008 it made me angry and frustrated. Today I not only get what she meant, but also agree. "Compromised life" is a term that my thoughts continue to return to in reference to both us living without children as well as a child living without their biological parents. More ethical sticky sometimes circular thoughts surround this.
Has anyone seen my sex drive? Hell let's be realistic, can someone please take me back to the basics and explain what recreational sex even is?
It wasn't fully apparent to me as to how far I have healed emotionally until I saw the pictures of my old buddies with their babies. I am getting out of the house. I am trying new things. I am meeting new people. I am having "normal" conversations (outside my head even). I actually WANT to be part of the conversations and not just get through them as quickly as possible. I had a rough day after seeing those pictures that took me back to a place of forced smiles, a day of tears that would not stop, and strained work conversations trying to pretend I was alright. As much as it hurt, it also taught me how far I have come from a time when these kinds of days were my norm. That part felt pretty good.
I have worried for some time about sharing some of my thoughts on adoption and the process of adoption for fear I come off sounding negative or judgemental. All I can say at this point is that I am working through thoughts for my own personal situation in hopes of getting a better overall understanding and acceptance of the losses and issues a child relinquished for adoption as well as his/her biological parent might be facing.
I had to count how many Mother's Days it's been that I have thought, "...maybe next year...". For the first year since all this IF crap started I thought, "Maybe I just need to get used to this being it". That kinda sucked. The count is at 5 for anyone keeping tabs. I'm neglecting the one a few months before we officially started trying in 2005 even though I remember thinking it then too...way back when I didn't know what IVF stood for and thought that I would spontaneously have twins because my great grandma was a twin who also had twins...
Before anyone asks "Don't you know what poison oak looks like?" or "Don't you know leaves of 3, let them be?". Here is my triplicate response: 1) I would suggest you duck as there is likely an f-bomb arrow being directed toward your head right now. Itching what feels like 10,000 mosquito bites on my legs for 22 straight days has made me just slightly*** irritable. 2) Irony is a bitch as I took the time to point out what poison oak looked like to other hikers on that fateful day and told them to be careful because it was really thick. 3) Then I proceeded to rub it all over my legs just for fun.
If you believe #3, I suggest rereading #1. ***Husband may use another descriptive word here (but not in my presence if he has learned anything at all this past month).
If my thoughts seem to appear jumbled between wanting to adopt, working through a multitude of adoption issues, and coming to terms with possibly living childless...it's because they are. My thoughts are constantly churning through this stuff trying to make sense how it fits into the life I want to live. Some days there is a feeling of peace and others leave me longing for an "off" switch to just get a forced break.
I secretly hope that all the poison oak talk distracted you enough to make it through the rest of this post. At the least it leaves something simpler to talk about, right? How about another picture just to end off right?
This is one of my cankle (and you can somewhat see my just as swollen calf) because if you're going to do it, you should really do it to the point of your doctor feeling the need to examine your poison oak'd leg for potential blood clots due to the swelling... Go me.
and this:
37 comments:
i've been thinking of you all week as stupid mothers day approaches. i hate holidays like that. any day that would make some people feel like sh** is just not worth it.
i wish your story was different.
i'm here if you wanna talk. and even though you are just a hop, skip and jump away, i still wish i could reach through this screen to give you a hug!
and you should totally get the mastif -- i want one SO badly but i think he/she would not fit in our itty bitty house....but seriously, the coolest dog ever!
As always, love hearing what you've been up to and want to share. I kept up this inner dialogue in my head and could probably write a short novel in response...but I'll just keep it simple with little bullet-y bites:
- For me, I understand the losses on all sides with adoption (I know it's not just, oh yes! we finally got our baby), but I wholeheartedly feel the love of good home will overcome. That belief gets me through. 'Cuz there will be so much love it will be oozin' buckets. :)
- Shoot, Girl, I got claustro just LOOKING at that cave shot!
- I'm a cat person, but gentle giant + couch potato = sounds like one helluva dog! Sorry you are missing your golden buddy~~~
- I'm sorry you got sucker punched with the babies' day out photo...I totally get it.
- Holy poison oak!! I got no assvice for you, sounds like you've tried it all and then some. ;(
And I'd be really sad if you stopped blogging...might have to start planning some SoCali trips then... :)
It might seem as though you are going round in circles but you sound like you are processing stuff here. In the end you'll reach a conclusion and move forwards.
Infertility is a complete bitch and it's no wonder you're finding it hard to deal with. I may find out today that this is the end of my biological baby road - and I have some reservations about adoption as well.
As for blogging - well if you find it helps do it...if it doesn't don't.
Anyway just wanted to post and show some solidarity really. You sounded like you needed some. xxx
I'm with Sarang - the mere photos of rocks and hard places freaked me out.
In a similar-ish place to you but I think not handling it with as much strength. IF - what a biatch.
I totally understand why you may stop blogging, but will miss you if you do.
poison oak nightmare!
the blog should be a release for you - if it's ever a burden, putting it down seems right. you can come back (or not) in your own time.
that said, i'd miss it, too. your fears are real and valid. i worry about transferring my IF grief to my future adopted child. i worry that he/she will resent not being raised by their bio parents. sex is a distant memory (literally, I find myself wistful about it, as though it's a lost friend). last week one of my oldest friends sent me a separate 'advance' announcement of her pregnancy in order to protect my feelings, and I still resent her good fortune. as you did, I thought: she and i are not in the same club anymore.
I hope you find a way to get through Mother's Day with some peace of mind and that the poison oak doesn't keep you couch-bound.
I'm currently struggling with closing the door to biological children as well. As you know, the pain is indescribable. I don't know what I'd do without my blog.
I'm sorry you are missing your golden. I still miss my childhood golden retriever. Best. dog. ever. That mastiff is awfully cute though...
And UGH to the poison oak! I still remember my WEEKS long bout with poison ivy at age 5. Seems I was born with an overactive immune system too.
Take care.
Oh, I hope you keep writing, I have only been reading a few months but really have valued your perspective on the life after treatment. All the bloggers I started out reading seem to have become parents or stopped blogging.
And I am jealous of your caving adventures, that look fun!
Ooooh, the poison oak looks horrible.
The dog sounds wonderful!
The conflict surrounding adoption sounds agonizing. Maybe I'm naive, but adoption may start with loss on all sides, but it doesn't always have to end that way does it? I really hope there are some happy adoption endings out there, and I pray, pray, pray that yours is still pending.
Also, I hope that you continue to blog. No matter how often or the subject... if you feel it helps in even a small way, I want to follow along, cheer, cry, and say bad words when necessary.
Too, too much to post here in a comment. I will email you. Better yet, I am coming out to visit you or bringing you to Texas. We are headed out the door right this second to Bryant Park (it is fabulous in NYC b/c there are hardly any bumps or little ones around) but tonight, when I'm back in the room, I'm writing you. For now, feel this big giant hug around you.
PS Mr. LC is super jealous of your caving!!!
I feel bad lurking and then not saying anything. Obviously you should write if you want to write, but every time you post, I feel like it helps me understand my IF friends better (and I have a lot of them). I feel like I have become a better friend, a more sensitive friend, by coming to this space and reading your true thoughts. For that, I truly thank you.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I do know what you mean about not knowing what you want to do, cause I feel like that sometimes. Waiting for a baby to adopt has been really hard on me, and there are times when I just want to give up and live my life without kids. But I don't give up. I think eventually you'll find what you need.
Wow, that's certainly a lot of information to take in.
Something you said about adoption stood out to me and I want to comment on that - you said that in order for you to adopt that means that someone is having to put their child up for adoption. It's kind of like someone waiting for an organ donation that worries that someone has to die in order to get the organ. The thing is that person is going to die if the person is waiting for an organ or not. Why can't something positive come out of that situation? I think the same is true in the case of adoption. Whether you're there to receive the child or not, that person is going to make the choice to not raise that child. Why shouldn't it be you who gets to give that child a safe, loving home? (If that's what you want)
Those Mastiffs are beautiful and loving. I know you're missing Golden, but I'm sure there's room in your heart for both.
Sorry about the poison oak. This may sound weird, but have you tried using Peneten cream (the cream they use for diaper rash). That stuff is supposed to be able to dry up anything. I think my Dad used it on his poison ivy.
Now, about the blog. I hope that if you do stop writing that you will keep in touch.
Hugs!
Ouch, that poison oak looks painful! Have you tried jewelweed? It's supposed to be magic for poison ivy, but maybe it also works for poison oak? I have never gotten either (ducks as that f-bomb is surely flying at my head right about now), but my sister gets it if it's anywhere in a 100ft radius. The nasty kind too - all over her eyelids, etc. Nothing's ever worked for her either, which is why we were planning on trying the jewelweed next (luckily she hasn't gotten it in about 2 years).
I know it's frustrating just to go 'round and 'round in your head, getting nowhere, but I hope you do continue blogging. I always love your thoughts on adoption - they always give me a lot to think about, and it is nice to read someone else who isn't going through treatments or started the adoption process yet. In limbo like me...waiting for something to happen. Still, I understand if you call it quits. Sometimes you just need to move on, and only you can know when that time has come.
Ugh...all of it sucks for you. I have nothing fancy to extend or offer to make happiness ooze from a sucky situation. Perhaps that is the majority of the problem. We are forced for so long to candy coat and hope and at the end of it all, we are just a soggy dripping mess of sticky yuckiness.
My heart hurts for you. For the emptiness that you feel.
I too hate mothers day. I hate it for the fact that I lost my mother at 21 years old, for the fact that this should be "my first mothers day" over and over again. I hate hallmark and everything they stand for. I know there are more like us. Perhaps they should take on a "this just sucks" day.
I hope a light shines for you. Something telling you that it's still there.
I too would miss your posts, but understand if you make the decision not to write anymore. Rest assured though there are many of us who love to read and do not think you are a broken record.
I don't have much personal experience on any of the rest -- adoption, caving, english mastiffs, or poison oak -- but I still want to hear about it all.
Thinking of you, as always and sending good thoughts.
Bullet points, ready? Here I go:
* LOVE English Mastiffs!! L.O.V.E them! There's French Mastiff that hangs out at our gym he's huge and totally snuggle worthy.
*You don't have to be in the same space to appreciate someone else's journey. It's completely your call, I know how to stalk you elsewhere. : )
* That kind of scratching is weird and slightly masochistic. Yeah, I went there. It's a sick game our bodies play (as if they don't play enough). It feels amazing to scratch even if it's the point of bleeding but then there's the rebound itch/pain combo that almost prompts you to scratch more because the previous feeling was better...viscous cycle.
* I wonder if our sex drives are on vacation together. Let's hope it's somewhere fun and adventurous.
I have been so busy with work that I actually hadn't seen that Hallmark commercial before. It made me cry. Between having a psychopath for a mother and infertility, I seriously fucking hate Mother's Day.
You mentioned the divergence of the paths of other's blogs from your own... Even though I don't walk your path I do comprehend what you are saying. There are *so* many IF bloggers I've followed that long ago found success in one form or another... it can be depressing.
As far as your thoughts on adoption. You and I talked about this a little and you know I have some pretty unpopular opinions so I am unlikely to be offended. Your feelings, I think, come from a very genuine and caring place. However I don't completely agree with those speakers at the meeting you went to. I agree that *can* be true. But it isn't necessarily. There are PLEANTY of children that would be better of with you than their craptastic bio-parents. And this is coming from the chick that has seriously biased views on the importance of genetics. There are people who are adopted as a child and then grow up with a sense of loss from not knowing their genetic roots. However, there are ALSO a lot of people who are adopted and consider their adoptive families their REAL families, never looking back at "where they came from". Come on engineer - you know it is not accurate to believe that the whole population falls on one side of the mean!
Your photos of caving make me anxious just to look at them -- did it once and learned that I am claustrophobic. Eeek.
I could have written large parts of your post. Well, you're more articulate and a better writer, but I feel a lot of the same shit. Especially around the friends, sex, marriage, just getting used to it. So hopefully it is easier knowing that there are others out there struggling with the same stuff.
That Hallmark comercial laid me out for 45 minutes last night. Assholes.
Get the dog. It would be awesome.
Wow, that was quite a trip through B's head! =) I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this figuring things out and hope you get the answers you need. Oh those cave photos, you are braver than me, and that poison oak does not look fun, hope it heals soon! As always, good to hear from you. Now go buy that dog, I'm sure he could take on dh if dh disapproves! Hugs
PS... let me know if you find your sex drive, mine is missing too, maybe they went to the same place.
I had the same thoughts about adoption as Sweet Georgia wrote so well. Adoption is going to happen whether you are the adoptive parent or not, and why shouldn’t that baby have a fabulous home with you? My SIL is adopted, but she did not get a fabulous home as my MIL was an alcoholic, and SIL ended up being taken out of the home and raised by MIL’s childless aunt and uncle who were in their 60’s. Thankfully, she is not too screwed up. I also doubt that alcoholics are able to adopt as easily anymore, but the point is, it sounds like you have a lot to offer to a child and you do not take the responsibility of parenting lightly as some bio parents do. Having said that, MY husband is not at all interested in adoption, as in, someone handing their baby over to us. I did pose the idea of embryo adoption, but I didn’t necessarily feel good about how I was trying to sell it to him. I was like, well, we know the baby wouldn’t have fetal alcohol syndrome or be a crack baby or exposed to STDs in utero, etc. He listened, but the bottom line is that not being able to combine our own gametes and reproduce is a significant loss to us, and where to go from there is unchartered territory for any couple. It does sound like you are processing a lot of information and dealing with your grief though, so I hope your hearts begin to sync and your path becomes more clear.
Wow, sorry I took up so much space! Anyway, poison oak sucks! Losing your buddy sucks too. Our daughterdog has been gone over a year, and we still talk about her cuteness and naughtiness and tear up over the whole she left in our hearts. Very, very sorry you are so sad :( Hang in there...
Glad to hear from you again. So sorry about the poison oak! I've never had it, but from the picture and the swollen ankle, it doesn't look fun! I really hope your doc can get rid of it soon for you!
I really like reading your blog, but totally understand if you don't feel up to it. Hope you have a great rest of the week and weekend!
I hope you keep up with this blog. A huge amount of what you talk about really resonates with me, and I love 'hearing' from you. This struggle is best shared with those who understand, and I too feel like many I began with now have 'moved on'. Us 'leftovers' have to stick together!
Sending you strength for Mother's Day and beyond...
That poison oak picture... why did I click to enlarge? Why?
Good to hear from you B. Lots of stuff going on and you know we get it. Don't ever stop writing, but if you retire No Regrets, do let us know where we can follow and read your thoughts somewhere else. You have to, ok? So sorry all this shit hits at once, its crazy and not easy but we love you girl. xoxo
Please, please don't leave!! I would be sad :( I get why you are thinking about it but I really hope you don't because you were one of my first blogging friends :)
I totally understand the odd number thing but I have made myself get over it in a few select circumstances. Otherwise, yuck! And I really dislike 13...
English Mastiffs rock! A friend of mine has always has one and they are the sweetest!! One used to lean into you while you loved on her. It took a lot of effort to lean back o her vs toppling over. When you are ready I say go for it!! But take your time. I just teared up over my Marley girlthe other day. I still miss her dearly! I can't believe it has almost been a year since that day...
Beyond all of that, I really hope that you and M find your sweet spot soon with everything. I want you to know that my heart aches for you guys and I just keep praying thar the right path opens up soon!! I do that for you guys and the LCs :)
Big hugs to you and if A gets you to TX you have to let me know!! Please!! And forgive any weird typos above, as I am commenting from my phone... :)
I freaking HATE poison oak. I get it for a month too, and it SUCKS! I am so paranoid about it now, but my hub is even moreso, since he had it in an awful place after camping once. another time he threw away his favorite jeans rather than deal with cleaning them. anyway.
this whole thing just sucks. being in that place is a truly HARD space to be. there is nothing easy about facing difficult options where neither one feels right in your heart just yet. it is so unsettling.
yes, adoption is an imperfect system, no doubt. but sometimes it is simply necessary. expectant parents decide to place for many reasons and some cases are heartbreaking. but there are better, more ethical agencies than others. IF your hub decides he is open to it, you might find a way that feels right in your heart.
for me, that didn't truly come until after we connected with K and I felt comfortable about her reasons for placement and her interest in maintaining a relationship. but it's different for everyone.
I'm sorry none of this has been easier for you. each path is so hard and has its own challenges and consequences. it's such a tough place to be. it takes a toll on everyone, it can be so hard on a relationship. be good to yourself, to each other. xo
I understand if you chose to let your blog go, but would be very, very sad... Of course, it's not about me! It's about you. I hope for peace for you all the time.
I love reading and I am always hear doing just that. Reading and listening.
Hugs, my friend!
i thought of you today.
i read this post and my heart sank. i know it's your blog and i know that you have every right to decide whether you'd want to blog or not. just that i would miss you terribly.
with regards to the dog, damned cute! and what a huggle-monster it is! :)
ps replied to your email. pls check it when you can ok?
(((((hugs))))
As someone who has the dubious distinction of being one of the few who has been with you from the beginning and has not achieved babydom, let me just extend my arms to take you into a big, warm, loving hug. I want to hear all about your grief, your ambivalence, your struggle with adoption, and more about the grief of letting go of your dream of being pregnant and having a child that looks like you and M. I want to hear it all, even when you are tired of hearing it from yourself. I'm here to listen to you, to hold you, to be with you, always, just as you are. Because who you are is really incredible.
When I first started out in my spiritual group that looks at your childhood ad nauseum, I was surprised to learn that adults who had love showered on them the way that I had always dreamed my parents would do had issues. These adults often feel like they were suffocated by their parents, and weren't left alone enough to figure out who they were (my DH being one of these adults). I learned that just about everyone will have issues with the way they were raised, adopted or not, because it's very rare to have a parent who really sees you as a child. That's why I don't think it's necessarily important that a child stay with it's biological parents no matter what. What's most important is that you have parents who really are present with you as a child.
I feel like you with the grief. I'm not as gripped by it as I used to be. Sure, I still cry, but not as much and not as long. When I feel sad about not having a child, I let the sadness come, and usually, it washes over me fairly quickly. It's when I do everything to avoid the sadness that prolongs my agony.
I feel for you with the poison oak. I'm a plant geek, and I think it's harder to tell poison oak from poison ivy. I have no ass-vice about how to get rid of it. Just make sure you have washed all the stuff you had on when you got it. Whenever I go through poison ivy, I wash everything, including my shoelaces, with detergent. That at least helps with spreading it more.
DAMN!
I just wrote a lengthy comment and got an error message. What the frig!
I'm still here, friend. I know the feeling of being stuck between that rock and hard place. I don't know how we get unstuck, but I do believe we somehow are set free. You are one of the brightest, most courageous women I know... and your path will emerge with clarity. If only the commercial existed to celebrate us, the women who repeatedly went to the wall only to find our dreams not exactly fulfilled the way we had once hoped.
I do hope you choose to maintain "No Regrets" but I understand if you wish to close up shop. If it's not helping, it's not worth the effort.
Hang in there, buddy. I'm always keeping you close in my heart.
Love, E
First. Your caving pictures. Scare me.
I certainly can't pretend to understand completely where you're coming from...but your writing has certainly touched a lot of lives. I don't know that I've ever seen such lengthy responses to posts as I do on your blog. Even if it's 2 months between posts. :-)
You are an incredible person and obviously offer something a lot of others can still relate to, no matter what you decide or where you end up and most certainly no matter what happens in the blogosphere.
Get the dog. Totally get the dog.
OMG, those pics are fascinating, yet painful to look at at the same time (except for the dog, no pain, just cuteness...and wow, that's quite a few pounds on that puppy! :).).
So sorry for that poison oak, and all the other side effects (ouch..ankle)its dragging along.
That being said, I am thinking of you, and continue to be grateful that you started this blog and still let us know how you are doing. I can't put into words how much your support and your encouragement have meant to me, a complete stranger.
You are beautiful, you are amazing and it shows 100 times over from the kinds of comments that each of your posts get.
Thank you.
brenda, i am just now seeing this post...what?! my mom visiting had me out of the loop a little bit, i guess...
anyway- just want to send you a hug. you are a super smart person (as am i...) and here is what i will say (and i hope i am not over-stepping here).
i have found in my own life that one of the biggest barriers to my own happiness is over-thinking things. my own father (who is brilliant in his own right) has found his happiness by not over-thinking things (basically by becoming much more "simple" than he could be)- and i think he's on to something.
i can think myself to death about things. as you know, i was on law review at berkeley, and had every accolade, but at the end of the day...sometimes stupid people are just happier. they are.
i'm not saying to be stupid. but here's my 2 cents. a child who is placed for adoption will be placed whether you are there to parent the child or not. so by you accepting the role as adoptive parent, you are not "taking" a child from anyone. you are providing a home for a child who would otherwise not have a home...
and as far as adoption being the "last option" for the well-being of a child, that is absolute bullshit. a child raised in a loving, nurturing adoptive home is better than a broken, dysfunctional, abusive, or negelctful home ANY day of the week.
the world is not perfect (obviously) but i find that releasing my expectations of perfection really has helped me so much.
even if adoption isn't the perfect solution...it's okay. you want to be a parent, and you WILL be a wonderful parent- and really REALLY any child would be so lucky to have you as their parent.
I hope that can realize this dream...and just go for it. There are so many children (really) who would benefit from being your child. Please do not listen to the naysayers. Follow your heart...
I have your back. Always...
Love,
e
First of all, you're not a broken record! Or if you are, it's one of my favorite records to listen to. Seriously, I've always loved your writing voice and feel like you've become a friend over the years. It breaks my heart that so many (I guess I have to say "of us" here--or of your online friends) have gone on to parenthood while you're still figuring out the next step to take. You'd be such an amazing parent that it brings tears to my eyes--so for that reason alone, I hope you guys end up on the same page re: adoption and that it comes to make sense to you ethically, morally and psychologically some day.
I LOVE mastiffs. My stepsister had one, and he was indeed a gentle giant. Emphasis on the GIANT. He wasn't always aware of what he was doing with his paws, which made for an interesting house companion...but he was SOOOO sweet.
We've had our share of marriage issues as well--it's up, it's down, it's all over the place (and amazingly, babies don't solve marriage issues! Who knew!? ;). I hope therapy helps. Or sex. Cheaper than therapy, but hard to motivate for as well, I feel you on that one completely!
Just know that you're loved by a lot of us readers out here, and whether you keep writing or not, that won't change.
xxoo
B
PS...I forgot to mention the caving pics!!! OH MY GOSH, you really are out there adventuring it up, aren't you? I'm proud of you. Whether the activities are a band-aid or not, at least you aren't lying around letting yourself bleed to death, right???
Funny that at one point in this post you mention "checking in" and that's just what I came here to do!
Please don't stop blogging! Even if it's just a couple times a year eventually, you have people following and caring about who you are and where you go. Honestly, I'm one who could usually CARE LESS, so if *I CARE* there must be a TON of others that do! LMAO!!!! You must be one special person to have held my elusive attention!!!
Hey, look, there goes a chicken!!!.....
Oh, I'm back. Sorry. SO many parts of your post spoke to me today. I love how you express yourself and I wish things were easier for you! Geez... just like hiking through poison oak infested trails, so have your last several years been with I.F. Don't let it get the best of you. You have, and you will, survive, lady. We all may be past the days of kicking ass and taking names, but in the end, we all find our own victory.
Godspeed that victory to you, friend! (Whatever shape you take it in.)
PS - I'm a complete sucker for Mastiffs as well, but I prefer the "hounds of hell" versions - truth be told. (As if I would turn my nose up at ANY big dog! I love me some big poochies!!!!!!! 100 lbs of canine lovin' or more and I melt like a pre-teen over puppies and kittens!!!! Go get one!!!!!! Nobody ever complained about getting too much puppy love last time I checked!!!!
Sorry - so slow in posting a comment but I'm trying to catch up.
Lots on your mind but thanks for sharing it in a post - sometimes you don't need to organize them and write a post about each one individually.
Poison oak - sounds tortuously itchy. I had a similar rash (never figured out what caused it) a few years back that lasted for I swear 3 months and what finally got rid of it was that I stopped scratching. When I felt the urge to scratch, I would slap a cold pack or rub it with ice cubes and NOT SCRATCH and that is what finally made it go away. I was on huge doses of antihistamines which did not work in the least. Try a bag of peas or ice it down when you feel like scratching and see it that helps make it go away.
Doggy sounds great - cuddly and a big suck are way up there in my books in terms of what to look for in a dog. Sorry again about your golden friend.
I'm sorry having marriage and child may be mutually exclusive for you...will hope that it is not somehow.
Please don't go away...continue to use this blog as a release for you and use it as a way to figure things out. Your 35 responses should tell you that you have touched a great many people who still want to hear how you're doing, pain and all.
Sending you one giant cyber hug.
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