When I first started this blog, I really didn't plan for it to be an IF blog for very long. We were gearing up for IVF#1, so just a couple months into blogging I figured this would be a great place to journal our pregnancy. I mean how cool to not only talk about the pregnancy in great detail, but capture the full conception too. Total OCD pipe dream, I know.
I sometimes wonder how different my blog entries would have been had that first cycle worked. I know for certain that you all would know so much less about me, the inner workings of my twisted mind and how it came to be that way, the struggles in my life before IF, and the many demons I still battle. Happier times would have called for happier thoughts and leaving my other drama behind. This past year was not that year for me so you got to read about a whole bunch of other not so happy crap.
This blog has been my dumping grounds and it seems that no matter how far down I go or how depressing my posts get, there is always somebody out there reading and relating and telling me that it is okay to feel what I feel.....that they too have been there and get it.....that it will hurt like hell right now, but eventually get a little better.
To find a place to leave the often ugly thoughts that swirl around my head is very therapeutic. To find out that I am not alone in these thoughts gives me the validation I need to really process them. And to be told that I am not a horrible person for having them gives me the acceptance that my soul requires to move past them.
To say blogging alone has been healing for me would not be fully true. Getting my thoughts out is only the start of it. What you all do with your support and understanding is really what pulls me through so to anyone who reads and actually comes back for more, thank you. I appreciate every comment, good thought, hug, smile, vibe, and prayer more than I can express in words.
So let's begin year #2 - the one in which my full neurosis comes out to play. LOL.
*~*~*~*
On the IVF front.......9 BCPs down, 4 to go. They still suck as much as they always have for me. They still make me nauseous and cause my tummy to flip flop. The brown spotting and cramps are just plain ridiculous. Did I mention the countdown of just 4 more to go? My celebration on the eve of the 20th will not just be for the inauguration, but for my own happiness that the following morning will be the one that I will swallow the last BCP for the rest of my life!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, infertility gods.
34 comments:
keep sharing your heart, your thoughts, your truths...i know i love to read them and support you as best i can.
congrats on only 4 more bcps and here's to saying "its all been worth it"!
and if anyone deserves a baby, its YOU! seriously.
I am glad you share your ups and downs with us, and am more than happy to keep sending my good vibes, prayers and thoughts your way. {Hugs}
I feel honored to have shared your journey so far as well as many of the experiences that happened before IF. Hoping that the second year of blogging is all that you expected from the first. {{hugs}}
And YAY for only 4 more BCP!!!!
Here's hoping that your blog takes a complete turn this year and you get to journal your pg! Hugs!
I remember when you first started blogging. I was drawn to your blog by your original blog name, "Lost in Space", being a sci fi geek. Those first posts were brief and to the point. Not the long, introspective and compassionate posts of today. I feel like I've been watching a bud blossom into a flower. You've come a long way baby. Happy Blogoversary!! Keep on doing what you are doing because it's so great!
Hey, how did you get away with only 13 days of BCPs? I thought the minimum was 15? I'm trying to decide how much I want to torture myself with BCPs for my FET. I never took them before trying to get pregnant (oh the irony of it all) and hate them too!
Yay to only four more pills! happy blogoversary. So glad you have shared with us.
I, for one, am super glad to have found your blog. Check, check, and checkity-check-check on so many things you've said--the validation, the support, the encouragement, and the just plain 'getting it.' I have nothing like that in my real life. I'm sorry your blog hasn't turned out the way you initially hoped (we started our blog right AFTER IVF #1 failed to chronicle IVF #2 and then of COURSE, the pregnancy that would result--ha ha ha) but I'm glad you've kept writing.
And I'm so glad you're almost done with the damn BCPs. They truly do suck.
Happy Blogoversary!!! I hope you do still get to capture that conception 'on blog' soon though...
I agree 100% with DAVs. I'm so glad you're almost through with the BCPs...I can only imagine what it will feel like to begin again. We're not quite there yet, but hopefully soon. Thanks for sharing your writing!
I've always loved you blog and all the honesty that comes with it. Your thoughts make others feel not alone. Happy Blogoversary!
I hate BCP too! I can't believe I took them for years. Good luck in Denver Brenda. I'll be your biggest cheerleader!
You're the best B! Honestly, your blog is one of my faves. You just tell it like it is. Amen to no more BCPs after the 20th :)
I'm so glad I found your blog - when I was first investigating the world of IF blogging I was drawn to a handful of stories that seemed to resonate with real empathy and honesty - specifically not just dumping grounds for disappointments.
As always, I hope to follow yours to it's evolution as a pregnancy and parenting blog. High hopes for #3!
Happy Blogoversary!!!
I remember how I "met" you! I believe it was through Polly's blog and thought, hmmm...I love her blog! And eversince then, both of you have been my fav friends!
Your blog is honest and is from the heart and that's what I love about it.
I heart you.
I'm praying that this blog will soon capture moments when you are walking towards your resolution. :)
((((hugs))))
ps I just replied to your email. :)
Here's to your last few bcps!!!
Your blog has always been at the top of my list of favorites. We shared so much in common through our IVFs. I appreciate getting to know you through your blog and emails - knowing a friend understands means so much.
BTW, I'm hoping your IF blog can now turn into a pregnancy blog after this IVF after all. Lots of hugs to you!
Happy Blogoversary! I am so glad we have "met" and become friends. I'm hoping this upcoming IVF is the beginning of a much happier chapter in our lives!!!
My dear, I am with you and keeping my fingers crossed. You are very, very strong and I wish you more strength. I have very high hopes for you, and I hope I can get to see and hug you when I'm in SoCal again maybe second weekend in March!
It's been a privilege to share in your thoughts no matter if they're up or down.
4 more bcps! woohoo!
Happy Blogoversary! And YAY for almost being done with BCPs!
I love your blog- your honesty is so refreshing, and really speaks to me! Like Devon said, if anyone deserves a baby, it's YOU and I really really really really really really hope that this cycle is it. I will be sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
Lots of love,
Erika
Happy Blogoversary! I'm going to stay right here reading your ups and downs for as long as you write them...
Sjoe, nearly time! Praying for a great result Brenda!
xxx
A whole year???
This year has definitely been a year of clouds, but I hope that this blog has been able to be your little silver lining. I know that reading what you've written here, and your hugely generous support for other bloggers has been a real silver lining for me. I'm sorry that this year has been so hard, but I'm so glad that you're writing about it. I do so much hope that 2009 becomes the year of the pregnancy blog for you. 3 pills to go now I guess!
Hi! I read your blog for a while now and thought this is a good occasion to finally leave a comment. Thank you so much for letting us know your thoughts and feelings and your honesty. It was the first time that I realised that these feelings we have are obviously 'normal' for women in our situation and that they do not make us bad people. It is so fascinating and comforting to see that we seem to be having similar thoughts, problems, periods of despair and happiness - that we are not alone. Therefore, I cannot thank you enough for letting me / us become a part of your story and teaching me /us so much about myself / ourselves.
And your are right - 2008 sucked! So, I keep my fingers crossed for you and hope that in 2009 you will be sharing some exciting news with us. Lots of love!
Happy Blogoversary!!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your deepest fears and hopes and dreams with us. I am proud to walk beside you in this journey. I look forward to yr 2!!!
Brenda-Happy Blogoversary! I hope this is the first of many. You have such a talent and are just such an incredibly supportive person. Hoping lots of good things are headed your way very soon! And buh bye BCPs tomorrow morning!!
Happy Blogoversary!!
"Put that in your pipe and smoke it, infertility gods" GOOD FOR YOU! I love that. Put it to those stupid infertility gods!
I am happy that you are about done with your BCPs. and I hope that the dexamethasone doesn't affect you like it does me!
I am really pulling for you this cycle. I hope CCRM is your answer.
((BIG FAT-HERE'S TO SHOVING BCP'S UP THE INFERTILITY GODS ASS-HUG!))
Happy Blogoversary! I feel priveleged to be a part of your journey and I appreciate all of the support that you lend to me as well as others in the IF community!
Yay, for having only a few more bcp to go! I wish you the best on this IVF!
Hey Brenda. Happy blogoversary!
btw: I just dropped a comment on your Fertility Authority blog. Didn't realize I had to create an account so I came our as anonymous. Just wanted you to know it was moi.
Happy Blogoversary--wishing you the very, very best this cycle.
I just luv ya bren! Thinking of you and thanks for being here for all of us, you are a special one my friend! xoxoxoxoxo
Congrats on ditching the BCPs. They suck! Besides peeing on the table during transfer, this was my biggest concern about IVF and it fully lived up to my expectations. Anyhow, I am so glad I am able to read your thoughts because I share so many of them. So, with that being said, Happy Blogoversary!
Brenda,
As usual you've articulated everything so well.
I found your blog sometime around late May/early June last year, and I cannot tell you enough what a blessing this and other blogs have been to me.
I'm now in my 3rd year ttc, and here is one of the places I frequent to assure myself that although this is an often lonely and sad road IRL, that I can actually find others who understand the journey--even though all our circumstances are somewhat different.
You have this sarcastic, yet funny sense of humor that allows one to shed their inhibitions (if only for a moment) and to honestly feel and acknowledge the deepest, rawest emotions that comes with existing day to day, when one has no control over the outcome of their situation.
I pray for you, I pray for your DH, I pray for this cycle, I pray it all works out and there is a happy, healthy baby(ies) as a result.
Thanks for your blog-- Happy Blogoversary!
My very best wishes and prayer,
*HUGS*
Anna.
Thanks so much for sharing so much of yourself with us...I'm keeping my fingers crossed ((hugs and more hugs))
Just wanted to send my good thoughts, wishes, and prayers as you embark upon this cycle.
Praying, hoping & believing for the very best.
*hugs*
Anna
I am sooooo painfully horribly late... but Happy Blogoversary.
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