Crying used to be a foreign concept to me. No matter how I felt growing up, I was taught to put on that smile for the world because "somebody out there is worse off than me". If I griped about an ache or pain, "just be thankful your body works and you can get out of bed everyday". When I complained about delivering newspapers by bike in sub-freezing temperatures at the ripe old age of 9, "your dad would give anything to be able to get out of bed in the morning and go to work".
Every time I wanted to cry or gripe or complain, that little voice in the back of my head told me to suck it up and move along. And I did. I took it all in, buttoned it up so tight, and let it burrow so deep into my being I thought it could never escape.
It became shameful to show emotion or to let anyone know something wasn't "okay" when I had so much to be thankful for. I was thankful. Beyond thankful. Growing up with a parent in a wheelchair and watching his health decline more and more each year was enough to learn these lessons. My young head understood how bad it could be. When it is part of your everyday life, you don't really need to hear it in words.
I remember learning to "feel" again. I had numbed away the pain and guilt so deep that I had lost this ability. When my ED therapist first asked me to describe how I was "feeling", I gave my requisite, "Fine." Yup, I checked myself into ED rehab because I was binging and purging 3x a day, taking 30 laxatives at a time twice a week, and was often so dehydrated that I had to sit so I wouldn't pass out. Yet, I was "fine". I quickly learned that "fine" is not a feeling. After I stumbled through "good" and "okay", she handed me a cheat sheet of "feeling" words and told me to pick a few that I thought best described me at that moment. I don't remember what I chose, but the fact that I had to figure my feelings out from a piece of paper told me I had alot of work to do. (For the record, I thought she was a total loon at this stage of the game.)
I also remember learning to cry. Yes, learning how to cry. Something so natural that we know how to do from the first second we enter this world had to be taught to me. God, I was so stubborn!! The same staredown I had with Dr. Schoolcraft during his donor egg speech on Friday was very similar to the ones I had with my therapist. Seriously, what did she want from me?!? I'm not gonna crack, lady! I'm strong, I have everything under control, and I just need to learn how to eat again. Me crying is not going to fix this little food issue I have.
Then one day it just hit me while I was sitting in her office. Through the layers of guilt and shame came sobs so violent it still embarrasses me to this day. I don't know how it started or where it came from, but I was terrified because I couldn't make it stop. She called it a "breakthrough". I called it torture. It was the first time in the weeks I had been seeing her that I saw her smile and I hated her for making it happen. When it was over, I just sat there. I wanted to curl into a little ball on her couch and die.
The band-aid was ripped off and that festering wound from deep inside was gaping open so wide. It was so fresh and so raw and so painful beyond belief. I didn't want to be in her office and yet was terrified to leave it at the same time. I just sat there. There were so many emotions and issues emerging that I had never planned to deal with - ever. My "fine" demeanor completely disappeared as I slumped down and began a staring contest with a striped chair in her room. She told me I would learn to smile again, but that it would be because I really was happy (feeling word). She pulled a tack out of her bulletin board and removed a Little Yellow Happy Face that she gave to me as my replacement smile until I was able to once again find my own.
Over the years, I have fumbled with these "feeling" things and the tears that can accompany them. Apparently I have now become so over the top good at crying that I can't seem to turn it off. As I sat in the waiting area at the pharmacy yesterday, tears just rolled down my cheeks. Nothing external had happened and I still don't know why I was crying, but the tears continued to roll. People stood in line just 10 feet away, a lady sat down next to me, someone was using the blood pressure machine right next to me. I didn't care. I didn't hide my tears. I didn't look away. I wasn't shamed. I just let them roll.
Even though I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and hurting and probably crying way too much these days, I see this as such a good and natural thing. I still know that there are people out there who have it so much worse, but I also know that it's okay to feel what I feel and still be thankful for all that I do have. In a strange way yesterday in that totally awkward moment, I felt free.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
28 comments:
I am crying, just reading this post. It really does break my heart, knowing what you're going through.
Thanks for sharing your growing up years. I've said it many times - You're a fighter, I just know it. Today, just reading what you went through tells me that you're not just a fighter; you're one determined girl.
I cry all the time. I'm the biggest cry baby. I feel that you need to go to your lowest low, cry it all out, before you find your way out again. I don't know if what I've said makes sense, but that's how it's been like for me.
Big Hugs, B and come this Nov 7, I'll be praying and wishing upon a star that your resolution does come true.
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
xoxo
That had to be so hard to grow up knowing that you weren't supposed to feel upset or sad. That is an unbelievable amount of pressure for a child (and an adult.)
Sometimes I feel better after I cry. Not always, but usually. It's such a release of the stress in a way. Plus sometimes that's the only way to really deal with something in that moment.
I hope each day gets a little better for you. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm thinking of you and M and hope that you get the help that you need at CCRM.
Hugs...
Many thousands of hugs for you, and hoping that many millions and billions and trillions of smiles are yet to come.
Good for you B. You've got to own your feelings otherwise you don't get to the other side. I cry about once a month now. It's a major stress reliever for me. You can and will get through this. Look at how far you've come already! I am SO rooting for you girl. (((hugs)))
I've had a few random crying jags myself the last few years - in the car listening to NPR, looking at a beautiful sky, cuddling my cat, etc. In these moments I experience pure, unadulterated emotion and despite the fact that any onlooker probably thinks I've lost it, the truth is I'm living it. Life that is. Kudos to you luv.
This is just heartbreaking - and I wish I wasn't glad to recognize so much of me in this post. But I've been handed that same piece of paper.
It's so isolating to have an emotionally stifled childhood that knowing someone else can describe the effects is still such a relief - even now that I think I have overcome so much of what those years taught me.
I'm glad you've made it through to the tears, and to appreciating what they mean for your well-being.
xxx
You know we live in a society that is afraid of feelings and I think that it is great that you have learned to cry and use it. We need to not be afraid of feelings or brush it under the rug! We just need to be kind and allow people to feel!
You are an incredible woman. I am praying that good things will come out of this cycle at CCRM.
Hugs sweetie!!!
I firmly believe that we are entitled to our feelings. Just because there are other people that may be worse off in the world doesn't mean that your pain doesn't count. I'm glad that you're able to truly feel and express your emotions. I'm sorry that it's been such a tough road and that you have to go through it though.
Sending you a great big hug!
It means a lot to me to read this.
I am happy for you, that you get to have feelings now and express them. It is a burden and joy as well.
My friend, I am at that stage where I am trying to learn how to cry again - it sucks cos I feel like letting those tears go will mean letting go of all my control and that I will just melt into an evaporation of nothingness. My control is all i have well control of... *sigh*
I do hope though to get to the stage where I can let the tears flow - no matter what happens and who is around.
Your story gives me hope. Thank you for that.
You're in my prayers always. HUGS
xxx
Let it out. Let it ALL OUT. I think you are incredibly strong. And I think that you give so many other women strength and you don't even realize it.
Technically, I don't even "know" you. BUT, you inspire me with your strength and I know you are going to get through this.
I am sorry you have to go through this. ((HUG))
Hi B --
I am always amazed by the resiliency of children. You learned to compensate and accomodate in order to manage the stress/pain at home. You had so much to handle, it's no surprise that ED reared it's ugly head. The bizarro part of it all is that, to the rest of the world, you probably appeared to be perfect: Beautiful Brenda. Brilliant Brenda. I'm always fascinated to learn how other people receive us... they never seen beneath the surface... they never know what's really going on in our world.
It's funny how crisis pushed us to take control of "something" when the shit hits the fan; I find myself becoming so territorial and controlling these days. I am proud of you for learning how to release. Wish I had been beside you at the pharmacy... I would've been the kook behind the big black sunglasses crying right beside you.
You're always my beautiful, brilliant Brenda!
:) :) :) :)
You my dear are so "in it" right now. I feel your stress and pain from here. I agree sometimes the most natural thing in the world (oddly usually while waiting to pick up more meds) is just siting there and crying. My fingers are double and triple crossed for you for this cycle. I am sending as many positive thoughts and wished as I possibly can.
Yes, things could be worse, but this is what we are dealing with and it is the worst thing we have in our lives right now. It feels all consuming.
Some days I'm "fine." I think I can handle my emotions. I think I have perspective or a grip on the whole thing and then I get hit from behind. I'll wake up in the middle of the night with a panicked feeling. I start thinking what if nothing works?
I cry all the time lately. I do feel better after each cry though. I don't realize how bottled up it gets. I've learned to take comfort in crying.
I hope you can be happy again soon.
HUGS!
Good for you for embracing your emotions now. It takes such courage and strength to go there, especially after you've been taught to go in the opposite direction. I truly believe that now that you've let yourself feel and allowed those emotions, that it has made you stronger. It really shows.
I wish you luck and will be thinking of you as you get started with CCRM. Many **hugs**
Brenda, you are so loved. My heart breaks when I feel your pain like this. I KNOW this pain, and it hurts me that you have to go through it. But I'm glad that you're processing these feelings. This is such a scary time in your life. Such a defining, fragile time and I just wanted to validate that for you.
I'm not a cryer, when I went to that New Life Weekend, after I shared my story, a stranger walked up to me and said "from one who's lost three children, to one who's lost four, can I hug you" ... and I just sobbed in some strangers arms.
I know it sounds cheesy, and don't tell M or he might think I'm a crazy holy roller (operative word being Cr@zY!!) ;-) ... but God knows each tear that you shed and His heart too breaks for you, for us.
I love you my friend, and I'm glad you had a good cry at the apothecary lounge ... wake some people up that others out there are HURTING.
We need each other ... keep the tears coming,
Polly
Feeling free enough to let the tears roll unashamed in public sounds like real freedom to me. Tears that need to come out need to come out. : ) Sometimes I work up a good cry b/c I know I really need one, like I put in a sad movie and cry, but I'm not crying about the movie at all.
I would not smack you for asking me to wait until your birthday to deliver. My mom's bday is the 6th, and she is hoping he comes then, so what's one more day?
Thinking of you...
B -- just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and thoughts. I've been following your posts to and fro CCRM and I wish you'd had a more positive experience. As always... cheering for you from the sidelines. Big hugs.
You are so amazing, Brenda! I want to hug you and hug you and hug you right now.
You have been through so much and have come so far! I am so proud of your progress. And just think, you have your happy rock too! You know I'm thinking of you!
My therapist gave me a list of feelings recently to describe how I feel in a situation.
I am glad that you have learned how to feel. It must have been hard not being able to do that.
((hugs))
I just had to tell you again how proud I am of how far you have come. You are so amazing!
I'm glad you are crying. I really beleive it's a good and neccessary part of this whole process. IVF is one of the hardest things to battle and you would not be normal to keep all of this inside. I'm so glad you are blogging and feeling and crying. Never forget that you are a strong woman! You are walking a long lonely difficult road and you need to be proud of yourself for how far you've come. No matter what the outcome at the end of this long journey, you tried. You did your best. You risked. And you deserve to be so proud of yourself. I know I am! You are an inspiration, tears and all.
Hang in there.
You're doing great!
I just came across your blog. Good luck on this last cycle at CCRM. I've heard a lot of good things about Dr.S.
:)
Thinking of my friend.
Love, E
Thank you for sharing the story. Glad that you found your emotions. I cry too much and too easily but always feel better thereafter. I hope you will be a happier person as you uncover and understand yourself better. God bless.
Brenda-I'm sorry you were raised to feel as if you couldn't cry and that you couldn't experience your own emotions and instead, put others before yourself. But, I do think that you were also raised to be persistent and never give up. That's what I hear in your blog posts. And, I'm so proud of you for that.
I wanted to comment on the CCRM experience (sorry I didn't comment on the original post, but I just finished reading your synopsis). First of all, I think that everything sounds good. Great AFC, good hysteroscopy exam, good blood flow via doppler, etc. Yes, Dr. Sch gave you 20% chance of success, but remember that's the best 20% chance in the country! I'll bet your embies do much better in his lab than they did before. If you still want to do genetic testing, you can do microarray on 3 day embies. We were prepared to do day 3 since we've never had any make it beyond that. But, we did get blasts! I'll bet you can too. All it takes is one. Keep believing that!
As far as hubby goes, I think that if you approach the CCRM topic as you would never want to look back and have any regrets (just like the title of your blog!). As scary as it may be (and I do know all of those fears), you will have definitive answers. Hopefully, they'll be good answers!! ((hugs))
I think the older we get, the more we cry because we are able to handle the pain better. I think when we are kids, we just don't have that kind of capacity. This process is opening you up. Yeah, not what you ordered, but compassion comes out of having been through hell and back. That's a great quality I see in you - compassion and empathy. So keep those tears coming!
Oh, and if you need a laugh, come see what I was for Halloween!
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