Friday and Saturday Fun

Friday started off with that BFN peestick and went downhill from there. I got to my office at around 6:30AM and spent the first couple hours just letting myself cry on and off as I tried to get some work done. I have either become so good at crying at my desk with both officemates in the room that they either 1) don't notice or 2) are so used to it that they just leave me be. Either way I don't care. I could not have pulled myself together yesterday if someone held a gun to my head. Bloodshot, puffy eyes are sexy, right? Here are some of the highlights of my day:

1. One of my mangers stopped by to go over some results I had sent him. He knows that I was gone for an IVF cycle, but I don't think he really gets it as he is constantly teasing my pregnant officemate, S about her growing belly. Of course he does it in total nerd terms. We are engineers after all. So, as he was leaving our office he turns to S and says, "Hey S, what's dm/dt?". I turned to my computer to try to ignore the whole thing. She didn't get it and said, "You should ask Brenda what it means. She's smart and knows these kind of things. I'm just hoping I can absorb some of her knowledge by sitting next to her." I still say nothing (and she is just blowing smoke up my ass anyway). He just told her to think about it and left. dm/dt is the change in mass over time as in her expanding belly. I am still not sure she got it.
2. Over lunch one of our other co-workers stopped by while S was out and said to me that he thinks S just did this (got pregnant) so he can support her kid's school activities like she has supported his for the last 6 years. I said, "Yeah?" and turned to my filing cabinet. He continued to talk about it and I said I'm sure she will be back soon and turned away. He left, but I was lucky enough to hear them in the hallway a couple hours later hashing out their funny little joke. Ha fucking Ha.
3. In the afternoon, we had our bi-monthly group meeting. I can feel myself tearing up on and off throughout the whole thing. Our supervisor likes to "go around the room" and have everyone talk about what they are working on. He turns to S first and says, "S, do you have anything you want to announce?". Seriously, can we just let this all go today?!? She is 20wks pregnant and wearing maternity clothes. I'm pretty sure everyone knows.
4. In the afternoon, one of the secretaries stopped by just to see how S is feeling and is she getting excited and blah, fucking blow my brains out now, blah.
5. When I was coming back from another afternoon meeting, I ran into one of my co-workers, B who just turned 30 and has no intentions of having kids - has never wanted them. She asked if everything was okay and said I looked tired and down today. I just lost it right there in the hallway - big sobs and never-ending tears. She said, "Come on, let's go for a walk." We went outside and I told her we had another failed cycle and I am just having trouble pulling it together today. She just gave me hug and told me how sorry she was and that she wished there was something she could do. She said she didn't know what to say and didn't want to say the wrong thing and upset me more. We talked for a bit and I told her that we didn't tell anyone we were doing another IVF, not even my best friend who is also pregnant. She asked how I was doing dealing with S and I said, "Not well." She told me that S has been really worried about me and how I am doing. Ummmm, we sit in the same fucking office 5 days a week. She could just ask me maybe. Then B told me that it isn't "out" yet, but that her officemate is pregnant too. She just didn't want me to find out like I did with S. Great, so there are like 6 women in our area and 2 are now pregnant and a 3rd (my other officemate) has been trying for a couple months.
6. I went to see my therapist after work for our weekly appointment. I didn't want to be there as I'm not sure she knows how to help me cope with things. I feel I just go in, cry and get it all out, and then leave with no real input or help from her. I told her I want to quit TTC (more on this another day) and I also want to quit therapy. It wasn't pretty. I'm not proud. I agreed to go back for one more session for "closure" - whatever that is.
Whatever happened to Fridays being the "happy end-of-the-work-week days?
Saturday started off with my weekday 5AM alarm going off. Gahhhh. I forgot to turn that one off. I stayed in bed until 6 still crying on and off. After getting ready so we can go to the RE's office, I walk into the living-room to find that our golden retriever puked 2 huge piles sometime during the night. A one hundred pound dog can puke alot, but he is so damn cute and innocent-looking that I can't even think about getting upset with him.
With the puke cleaned, we head off to the RE. I love that there is a sign right where you sign in to "please leave your children at home as it can be upsetting to other patients", yet there sits an adorable little girl around 2 years old watching a portable dvd player and saying "Mommy" over and over. After 15 minutes of this torture I was called back for a blood draw. They were so unorganized today and didn't know what I was even there for. I was irritated and emotional and not in the mood. They got it situated and while the phlebotomist was drawing my blood the nurse asked if I had tested at home. I told her "yes.". "Positive?" she whispered with a big smile. "No."
The normal financial people were not there, of course, and the 2 people working had no idea what to charge me for or how much it should be. I told them that the HCG was included in the cycle, but the estradiol and progesterone should be $140. They insisted it was included in the cycle, but I know this is not the case from IVF#1. Getting a bill that you aren't expecting for some results that made for one of the worst days of your life will make you not forget what is covered and what is not. I made them charge my card for $140 because I don't want to get that fucking bill again.
M and I left and only got about halfway home when they called to tell me that they still had my card. I mean gas is so cheap now, you know, so why not? We went back to get it and then finally made it home.
So I was waiting for the "I'm sorry" call and finally called them around 1:45PM to see what was up. The answering service told me that everyone had already left for the day and that she could take a message and have them call me tomorrow.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? No, I didn't say this to her, but OMFG. I am beyond livid. I think the cure for my sadness and crying has been fixed with anger and swearing. I don't even know what to say. I am in disbelief that they could forget this. I had been delaying changing my estrogen patches and didn't even do a progesterone suppository this morning, but now I get to prolong this hellish cycle for one more day. I know I could just stop it all, but I feel I have to "really know" for sure, ya know?
I have already shot off an email to Dr. K expressing my frustration. I somehow managed to leave out the f-bombs. I guess I'm saving those for the nurse who fucked up today.
At least I get to use my final Lovenox injection. One final bruise for closure.