These are the words I think of every time I go to the grocery store and walk to put my cart away in the parking lot. They were spoken by an old German physics professor where I went to college.
The physics department was on the smaller side and majors had very individualized attention getting to know the professors very well. This professor was semi-retired and had stepped down from his position as chair so he could ease into retirement - which to him meant breaking away in the afternoon to go home for a nap. It was my last week at the school before moving to CA for graduate school. I was helping with a summertime science camp for kids. Dr. Gue.nther pulled me aside and told me I was such a sweet girl who was always smiling and that things would be so much different in CA so "Don't become a bitch." This was followed by his infamous "He.....He.....He" deep belly laugh. I promised to take my down-home courteous Midwestern ways to the big city.
M. and I moved to CA in 1999 and this still sticks with me when there are things that I want to slack on - like putting the carts away. Seeing carts scattered all over the parking lot was not the norm where I grew up so I keep true to my word with Dr. Guen.ther and always put that damn cart away no matter how much of a hassle it seems to be that day. His words stick with me for holding doors, using "excuse me" and "thank you", and just making small talk with people wherever I go. I'm not trying to rag on CA, but having lived in both places I can tell you that common courtesies are much more common in the Midwest than LA.
What does any of this have to do with anything? I guess it really bothers me that I used to be able to chat with kids or tell parents how cute their little ones are. It was my norm to ask a little kid pushing a kiddie-cart if he was helping mom or to at least give him a big approving smile. Damn infertility has changed me to where I avoid eye contact with both parents and their little munchkins as I don't want to deal with any more reminders of our failures. I shop at later times to avoid the kiddie crowd and will skip aisles in the store just to avoid passing a baby or child aisle after aisle. I hate that I feel "changed" and hate even more that I use self-preservation as an excuse for this change. I just want to go back to who I was when Dr. G gave me such great advice. I miss that sweet, smiling girl.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
7 comments:
Hi there,
I came across your blog through Polly's and have been reading your posts.
Like you, I feel I have changed too. Especially this week, when there is so much pent-up frustration inside me that if anybody comes near me, I'll bite!
But bitch or not, it just makes us stronger.
I hope good things for you and if you need to bitch away, you are entitled too!
I'm a CA native ... but I agree with you that CA's are generally not very friendly. I too return my grocery carts ;-)
But I have to totally agree with you about the whole this whole thing has changed me.
I hate that I too used to connect with kids in a cute and fun way ... and these days instead I feel pain. It really stinks.
It's hard not to feel a bitch in all of this.
Sorry was having troubles with my connection in the last post ... I'm sure you can figure out what I meant to say.
I get what you are saying, and I am finally learning to look at kids and pregnant ladies again. For a few months, I literally broke down in tears at even the thought of seeing babies or pregnant ladies much less having them in my line of sight. It has been getting easier - or at least it's easier to keep the tears from rolling down my face.
From now on, I hope you secretly smile when you return the grocery carts and hear your prof's voice.
I've lived in CA my whole life too, and I always return my grocery carts. Maybe northern CA is more friendly. ;)
IF definitely changes us. I think one of the hardest things for me is knowing that something everyone else is soooo happy and excited about is something that is going to make me feel that incredible sadness and sense of loss. It makes me feel "different" and separate from everyone else.
((hugs))
I don't smile at children or parents anymore either. Compliments are out also. I have to change sides in a booth if there is a child staring at me. You are not alone it changes all of us.
I am glad to read that someone was able to come to terms with it and smile at children again. Maybe someday.
Thanks for getting it. I hope it didn't come out wrong like I think people from CA are bad/mean. I've lived here 9 years and consider myself one now. I think it is just so much busier that people don't have/make the time to keep up with some of the things that were standard practice where I grew up. I really do love it here. (:
Post a Comment