Little yellow happy face

I carried a little yellow happy face around in my wallet for nearly 2 years. It was made out of construction paper by a 4-year-old boy whom I have never met. The edges were cut as only a 4-year-old could and the eyes and mouth were carefully markered in as crooked as could be. He never knew I had it and probably made it as a quick art project at daycare, but it meant more to me during those 2 years than I can even begin to express here.

It was made by the nephew of my eating disorder therapist and given to me the first time I finally cried during therapy. This was a major break-thru for me as those feelings were stuffed to the deepest parts of my being. I was just so sad and had trouble finding the effort to even make a smile. My therapist gave me the little yellow face as a temporary replacement for my own smile and told me that I could only keep it until I found someone who I thought needed it more than me.

For 2 years, that little face was my comfort. I faced alot of demons during this time as I kicked ED to the curb and got back on the path to working on my undergraduate degree. I earned a teaching assistant-ship in the physics department running different physics labs and this is where I met Cathy. She was a non-traditional student who was in school later in life and by far one of the best students I ever had. She often stopped by for questions and we would chat about everything under the sun. (See, not all physics majors are complete nerds.) She called the week before finals to tell me that her 19-year-old son had been found dead in the sub-freezing December temperatures behind a warehouse. Even though the police told her he may have fallen and frozen to death, she knew in her mother's heart that he had purposely overdosed on drugs in a successful suicide attempt.

My heart was broken for her and I knew it was time to say good-bye to my little yellow happy face. I told her how I had come to have it and the rule that it was only hers to keep until she found someone who she thought needed it more. We laughed and cried as she shared stories about her son and tucked the little happy face into her own wallet.

I don't know if she still has it or where that little guy has gone, but if I had it right now I have so many on-line friends that I would like to share it with. Sending little yellow happy faces to my friends Erin who recently suffered an ectopic after IVF, Alison who just lost her twins after IVF, Devon who lost her twin boys at 23w3d after IUI, and Amy who lost one of her babies to ectopic (one still thriving in uterus) after IVF. Thinking of and sending hugs and little yellow happy faces to you all.