It's the dreaded...DUH-Duh-duhhhh...Pain Olympics.
Phrases like, "Yeah, BUT..." and "At least..." are mandatory to play correctly and there are usually so many "You", "I", and "My friend" stories flung aimlessly to compare and contrast war wounds that the topic at hand is usually lost by the 4th or 5th response on a message board. By response 20, the game has reached eXtreme sport slaughter status. It's generally not very pretty, but I think any of you who have witnessed or participated know this.
I believe the Anonymous poster who wrote this comment on my last post was trying to make a point that sitting through a work meeting ogling over my friend's new baby is not the worst thing in the world.
Right. I agree 100% with the overall sentiment, but think the delivery (and grammar) could use a bit of tweaking.
By the "STFU!" reference I am going to assume I am dealing with someone who is very young or uneducated or both because that seems to be about the mentality of this comeback. I think it is also safe to assume that this person is going through a pretty rough time right now, but because I know even less about them than they do about me I could be as far off base as this person is with me. ("Nice Car?" Ummm, sure, if you consider a 1995 Ford Ranger with slight driver side fender damage and an extremely rusted under body that I have driven for the past 13 years as "nice", then damn, you got me.)
So I don't really want to play the Pain Olympics, but do want to better understand the thought process behind the way it all works. Let's begin the analysis, shall we?
1)How does one decide what is worse?
Anon. referenced a cheating spouse and a child with autism so I will use this as a guide.
If you have been unfortunate enough to experience both, which do you think is worse? Maybe someone else who has experienced both would disagree with your order because they have a better support network in another area to help them cope. For example, Person A might have a strong friend unit and/or great lawyer and/or helpful therapist to walk them through the issues surrounding a cheating spouse, but struggle with finding resources to help their child with autism because they live in a more rural area where resources are lacking. They might say that raising a child with autism is worse. Person B might live in an incredible school district with abundant resources to help their child with autism thrive, but lack a support network that is able to help them work through their relationship woes due to finances or status or lack of self esteem. To this person, having a cheating spouse might be worse.
If you have not experienced both, how do you have the capacity to choose which is worse? Is it based on a book you read, a movie that moved you, a friend's experience, the media, nothing more than a likely very uninformed personal opinion...?? We all read different books, see different movies, have different friends, follow different parts of the media, and base our own opinions from our unique life experiences and personality traits. All of this to say that your view is no more right than mine. It is simply personal.
2) Who gets to decide what is worse? (I suspect the person that knows the answer to this question also knows who the infamous "They" are. You know, the "They say..." people who are often referenced).
I personally have trouble ranking just my own personal struggles because they each hold their own weight and affect me in different ways at different times (ED vs IF vs DR vs living with/losing a severely disabled parent vs the deadly car accident vs removing a family member from life support after a freak fall vs the events surrounding my issues with organized religion vs a couple others that are out of my comfort level of mentioning). If I can't even settle on an unchangeable ranking for my very personal list, I surely can't compare any of mine to your referenced "worse" things. I have not experienced a cheating spouse or raised a child with autism so I don't have the ability to fully know the emotions or day to day struggles that are involved.
Let's get a little hypothetical now. Say I come across a blog written by a woman with a cheating spouse. In the grand scheme of things a cheating spouse is a pretty shitty situation to be in. Maybe she writes a post one day about how her husband always leaves his dirty pants on the bathroom floor. Every day she grows increasingly more hurt and/or resentful when she picks his pants up off the floor. So she writes a big post about trying to decide if she should or should not pick his pants up off the floor anymore...
If I were to reply to this in a similar fashion to anon, my response would be:
"Do you ever "think" about how much worse it could be? It's just a pair of pants on the floor. Who cares what you do with them?! There are people struggling to survive in Haiti and people dying from terminal illnesses. Burn them, leave them, leave him. You are being ridiculous."
Because I only read that post (or even scrolled back a few for a little better view), I may not see or understand the reason those pants are such a big deal to her. Maybe they are a reminder of the time she found that half crumpled business card with a mysterious woman's name and phone number in his pocket or maybe they represent another way that he takes her for granted and walks all over her. I can't fully understand or grasp any of this because I haven't experienced it so for me to make a hasty judgement about what she has the right to be upset over is ignorant, insensitive, and quite presumptuous.
So this will likely fall on deaf ears to those I wish would make an attempt to understand it the most, but I think it's important to take opportunities to better explain things and try to shed a different light when issues arise. I don't fault anon for being unsupportive. When my previous post is read from the vantage point of a single data point, I agree that it isn't a very big deal at all. Only with the rest of the points in place can we begin to make some sense about what it might be like to walk in someone else's shoes or begin to understand why they react to things the way they do.
But to all you wonderful women who get why this baby meeting is hard, thank you once again. Your words are heartfelt, your similarities comforting, and your advice more appreciated than I can express. I still do not know what I will do tomorrow and suspect it will be a game time 5AM decision. Part is based on my work schedule and part is based on just wanting to keep pushing through the hurt until it doesn't hurt anymore. I don't know if I've mentioned it in awhile, but I can be a bit
38 comments:
Go B GO!
Anonymous needs to take her own advice and STFU. I don't get people who read blogs and then lash out, it makes no sense to me. I think of anonymous rude commenters as cowardly pods but what do I know? :)
Hang in there. We get it. We're not going anywhere.
Just when you think you have enough bullshit to deal with one more asshat comes along to pile on. You very eloquently dealt with this drive by moron. As you can see, I would not have been so middle of the road and logical, eloquent in fact.
On another note, I don't believe in playing the who's got it worse game. Until you've walked in someone else's shoes you have no idea the pain of their particular situation. This is where the emotion of empathy comes in. We don't say "oh that's not as bad as me" we say "how can I help" or simply 'i'm sorry you're going through this.'
This comment makes me mad....ignorance.
Seriously I can not seem to close my jaw at this incredibly insensitive comment. Terrible, horrible. Nothing good ever comes to people who spew such negativity.
You continue to astound me with your mature attitude at dealing with things like this.
Great post!
Can I admit that I felt a little bit of empathy(?) when I read anon's comment? What she (I assume) is going through must be really hard for her, I hope she finds some peace.
I'm sorry she had to come and dump it here and imply that you have no reason to grieve, or feel the hurt you're feeling.
I am impressed with how you handled it and proud you're my friend. : )
**standing and applauding this post**
Very well said!!
I find eloquence in your words and in the words of your commenters. Hand in there, Sweet Brenda.
And I don't know what STFU means. Am I outta the loop or what?
Your articulation, once again, impresses the hell outta me!
You go girl. (the only time I can pull that line off is on-line! haha)
Anon's comment was very uneducated and ignorant. The part that I think was TOTALLY uncalled for is the "STFU" at the end. To that I say: You are a coward for saying this, and it is lucky you are posting anonymously because you would have a shit load of B supporters trashing your blog about now.
I am just awestruck at your eloquence. I found myself nodding along and saying, "yes, uh huh" aloud while reading.
And even if this very well said response falls on deaf ears (eyes?), I hope it was cathartic for you. (It was for me 'cuz I got grrrr angry when seeing that comment last night!)
Maybe Anon is not at the right place right now to take a hard look at her OWN SELF...but I hope some day some self awareness comes.
Good for you, Brenda!
VERY well put, as always!!!
Well said! Anon needs to at least step up and be a real person when making no so well thought out comments or else take theit own advice and "STFU!"
I meant to comment yesterday and say take the mental health day. You have gone above and beyond and if her being there takes you out of you comfort zone then just remove youself from the equation. Besides, if you take a long lunch or something you take the chance that you will run into her while she is still there. Preserve your feelings. You deserve that!
That would be "their" own advice and "comfort zone"
Darn BlackBerry will not let me preview my comments!
I think I was in the minority last time when I encouraged you to go and be gracious, but I certainly never meant to minimize your pain. If I did that, I'm sorry. I hope I was in no way as offensive as that comment you blogged about. Wow.
I'm proud of you for the way you answered anon. You have such a way with words.
Two anonymous posters left very hurtful comments on my blog right before Christmas. Part of me wanted to say something like you did, but I didn't. I'm glad you did, though -- I'll never understand why people have to say things like your situation could be so much worse...Well, I suppose it could, but it doesn't make the current situation any less painful or hard.
Way to go for how you handled it, B.
I guess I just take it for granted that we all know that IF is not a life threatening condition, that we are so much better off than (substitute your own version of a really crappy circumstance). I mean, I think about it all the time - why is it so devastating? Aren't there a million things that would be worse?
And yeah, sure there are - but that's the case for about 99% of what makes people hurt. This is what life is about, the things we feel drawn to and see as part of our futures. That's what falling in love is about, and I can't believe anybody would challenge the fact that so many of our best stories are falling-in-love tales. And not getting the guy (or girl) is surely less fraught than dealing with any number of terrible situations, but those are the stories that compel us, on a human level. Wanting a family is just an extension of that same story.
Anyway, YOU know that we get it and we care and we know what you're feeling. Sorry you got the lousy anonymous comment.
B you go girl! I know you did not write this get us to cheer you on, but you deserve it my friend. Maybe Ms. or Mr. Anon will STFU now. xoxoxoxo
Couldn't agree more. I once had a very hurtful, thoughtless comment on a post I wrote about my jealousy of other mothers whilst we were dealing with my infertility. It was clearly a rant, and signposted as the product of a hormonal, ravaged brain, but to no avail - this person just wanted to vent their spleen! Well done for standing up for yourself so eloquently. I decided not to reply to my case - but perhaps I should have!
I truly detest anonymous posters. If you want to crap over a person's struggles, at least have the courage to put your name to it. Ugh. Well done for standing up to it. As for today, put yourself first. Do what you feel is right for you - no 'shoulds'. Stand by yourself. ((((((((Hugs)))))))) xxx
Hmmm so I had to go back and read the post in question cos I've been a bad blog reader of late...
Great response to Anon! You are so articulate B, you put things across so well.
Thinking of you.
xxx
By your post alone, you have already shown that you are a much more kinder, understanding and giving person than that anonymous poster. You actually sought to understand their point of view and tried to walk a minute in their shoes yet they didn't have the courtesy to do the same for you. I hate anonymous posters who do drive by posts who read one single thing and then think they have the right to judge you for struggling and trying to deal with your issues. At least you're trying to deal...they don't seem to want to deal with any of their own issues. If you look around, there will ALWAYS be someone else worse off or in worse circumstances...the thing that will define you is how you choose to deal with what you have been given, good or bad. You have so much patience to deal with crap posters like that and hopefully, they can open up their brain a little to another point of view.
I love the way you answered this comment!
Every time I get exasperated at someone else and feel like they don't have the right to be complaining because whatever they're going through can't possibly be as bad as what I have to deal with, I realize that it doesn't matter. Everyone's emotions are valid and real and who am I to judge who should feel what and under what circumstances.
Your response was very eloquent, and very kind. Good for you!
I love your response.
And i LOVE that you described your post as 'a single data point'. Nice techy mindset there! Now I'm waiting for the numerical model once all the datapoints are in :)
I'm hoping today was not as dreaded as you anticipated and that you kept YOURSELF and YOUR FEELINGS at the forefront of your decision.
Thinking of you, dear.
I hope that your day went ok. I think you are an amazing woman, and you prove me right all the time.
Hang in there my Friend,
Erica
I am done with these posts. I have been infertile for three years now and I just cannot continue to be in this rut of self-pity and loathing and disappointment and hurt and resentment that unfortunately are perpetuated by yours and other infertiles posts. I am ready to change the things I can and accept the things I cannot change. I cannot go on living like this if I am to live at all. Life has too many rewards and opportunities and I have decided I am not defined by whether I birth my own child or not. I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of having regrets. I'm moving on. I hope you all find peace someday and the power to move on as well.
Anon, I think it's a difference of perspective. I commend you for trying to move on, but I don't think infertility just goes away (not even after you have children). It's a process. I see B's blog as part of her process. She is trying to "move on" and accept what she can not change, as painful as that is. She's living it out loud and many people can relate to what she's feeling, regardless of where they are in their own process.
B's blog isn't about us, it's about her. I don't see her as stuck or full of self pity. I see her as a brave woman who is hurting and trying deal with all the muck so that she doesn't become those things.
I wish you luck on your journey Anon, where ever it takes you.
Dear Anon,
STFU.
(I am educated, but still behave immaturely at times, so I think I can get away with this response. Also, I can spell.)
I get it.
Anon,
That is sort of the point. YOU are done with these posts. And that is wonderful that you are able to move on now. I congratulate you on your ability to cope.
However some people are not in that place yet, and to condemn them for still hurting is not constructive at all.
Last year, I reached a point where I became able to cope and find some happiness. I didn't have such negative feelings anymore in regards to IF. But, my ability to start moving on had nothing to do with anyone else's ability to move on, and NEVER was it my place to judge them in any way about where they emotionally were in regards to their personal pain. To do so is extremely nearsighted.
I've gotta few of these insensitive comments. I've never highlighted them on my blog but I've also never deleted them. I am so stubborn I'm unwilling to acknowledge them in any way. Kudos to you for stepping up and addressing the ignorance with rationality!
Really, how in the world is it that you keep getting the nuts commenting on here? I'm sorry. :( There is nothing you have written that I've found particularly inflammatory, in fact, you have illustrated the honest emotions that almost everyone going through IF has experienced so eloquently and diplomatically.
And when are IFers ever going to be allowed to share their pain without some life or death comparison and the pain olympics? Unlike other medical illnesses (and yes, this is medical), it seems infertility patients in particular are not allowed to share their very real pain. I suppose we shouldn't share other unfortunate circumstances until they have been approved by you either, anon? For instance, my dog died last year and I spent a great deal of time processing this. Certainly I had not been diagnosed with cancer nor had my husband left me, so should I have remained silenced because it might not have ranked high enough on your unfortunate scale? Absolutely not.
Blogs are forums to process thoughts and emotions and if that's too much for you to handle, there's a simple solution. Stop reading.
I don't compete in the Pain Olympics because I'm pretty sure I'd always lose.
Great post.
Well said! Comments like this make me so angry! I don't understand why many fertiles can't seem to comprehend the pain of infertility when their own lives seemingly revolve around their children, and I especially don't understand why some fellow infertiles can't be supportive of others. The comment above from anonymous is a prime example. It apparently took her three years to be able to "move on", but shame on you for not reaching that point yet. I also have to wonder why she is trolling infertility blogs if she has "moved on".
I don't believe in your last post you wrote that you were the most unlucky person in the world and no one has suffered as badly as you. Or did I miss that sentence?
(Oh, and I am totally jealous that you have a troll, its a sign you've properly made it).
Excellent post. I am glad you are not fazed enough by trolls to hang up your boots. Or your pen. If you keep posting, I'll keep reading. Regardless of our differing circumstances, changes of fortune, levels of 'done-ness' or whatever. Hearing someone else live their journey, honestly and with no holds barred, is a precious gift. Thank you for sharing.
Hey Doll - Just checking in. How did last week go? What did you eventually decide to do?
B, you are AWESOME. And that is THAT.
Ok, I lied. That's not just that. =) You're eloquent, full of grace, and just all around kick ass.
A few of us Bay Area bloggers had ourselves a little potluck this weekend (Sarang, Melissa G., Nikki and I), and we all agreed that we MUST meet you! I know California's all looooooong and s***, but we can make it happen!
I know I'm going off on tangents here, but while I'm in this comment box I wanted to take the opportunity to THANK YOU for the overwhelming support you've showed me. Thank you for thoroughly explaining my protocol to me. Thank you for being my cheerleader. Just....Thank You.
You win a Gold Medal in the Infertility Support Olympics.
Brenda, don't go. I would talk to the friend and explain that it is too painful and it has nothing to do with her. Why torture yourself further? And if she can't get it, then that's really her loss. You have already gone through so much due do this, and if she can't get it, your friendship may not be the same as it was before. It really pisses me off that she just imposed this on you, given everything. I want to protect you! I want you to protect you! As far as anonymous, she can go (&*((& herself, pardon my French, but it really really really pissed me off.
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