losses, over-sharing, and steps forward

I've missed a few days in the blogosphere and my google reader is filling up quickly. You gals really know how to push out the posts much more timely than I can ever be held accountable for. With my 4-day weekend (ahhhhhhh) beginning after today, I will have ample time to really catch up with you all, so please slow down until then, okay?

Very quickly: To my dear, sweet anon#2 commenter, we are just in different places right now. That is really all there is to it. I know without a doubt that (like you) I will get there one day too in my own time and way, but right now I am here and I will not apologize for that. You are at that point in your life doing what is best for you and I am at this point in my life doing what is best for me and the fact that our paths aren't crossing right now doesn't make either of us wrong.* I wish you well and agree that it is likely best that we now part ways...

Maybe it is time to start thinking about enabling comment moderation?? I'm all for people speaking their minds and I expect people to have differing opinions, hence one of the points of my last post. I really don't mind hearing the flip-side view points because they often push me outside my comfort zone to think about things another way or how people outside the IF world might perceive my actions/views. I guess I would just prefer that it be done in a respectful manner without the judgement or finger pointing, but as with infertility that is out of my control...so I will simply move on and get back to my over-sharing blog roots.

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Speaking of control (that's almost like a news reporter transition, huh?!), I think not too long ago I was babbling on about the 6 significant losses related to infertility. I threw them out there asking for what was at the top of your list and then I ducked out without yet sharing mine. So let's get back to it, shall we?

One thing that struck me the most when reading through your lists was how many of you chose loss of control as your #1 loss. For both M and I it was dead last and not given much thought at all. I began to wonder if I had not considered it hard enough or if I missed the boat on how I perceived what it meant. It took me awhile (insert that s-l-o-w processing thing of mine again), but aside from the obvious that we all come to this point in different ways, we are also at some very different stages with very different realities. Depending on where we are at right now and what we are currently dealing with I think really has some effect as to how we rank our list. Just a (not very well thought out yet) theory. Any insight?

When I was starting down the IUI/IVF road, I am pretty sure I would have ranked the loss of pregnancy - physical and emotional - near the top because it was just so front and center and still so within reach, but now after all is said and done I see for me that it really isn't in my top 3 anymore. Maybe when/if we adopt, it will be back at the top again. It's just a snapshot of how we are feeling and how things are affecting us at this point in time.

As M and I were discussing home study** kinds of things with our therapist this week, one of us (maybe it was the often surprisingly insightful one who doesn't write this blog) drew some conclusions that the loss of control could be ranked a little higher on his the list if/when this process starts...different day, different snapshot.

So finally, my list.

1. The Loss of the Opportunity To Parent. When stacked up with all the rest, I can't imagine not parenting. I just can't. I have given it some serious consideration and processing time, but as my thoughts work themselves out this will by far be my #1 loss if we are never able to parent. There isn't another that has been able to knock this one from his spot yet and I don't think that will change unless I am able to parent.
2. The Loss of a Jointly Conceived Child With A Beloved Partner. I picked the old lug for a reason and knowing that I will never see what a little B & M combo will look/act like still gets me in the gut. I know we were more likely to get the stubborn, shy, crooked toed, bad health gene'd, unfortunate skin'd child over the blue-eye'd, dark hair'd, sarcastic, studious, fun-loving little squirt we were planning on...but the not knowing/letting go of this dream is sometimes just hard.
3. The Loss of Genetic Continuity, Linking Past and Future. I've mentioned before how I had this somewhat unrealistic expectation of seeing my dad in our future child and it still remains. My first degree family consisted of 4 people with blue eyes, dark thin hair, fair sensitive skin, below average height, and full of all kinds of sarcasm and stubbornness. It is obvious that we are all related and in many ways I had this vision that my child would somehow continue this trend, especially based on the fact that I married a man with all of those traits (sans the short stature).
4. The Loss of the Emotional Gratification Of Pregnancy and Birth. This one won out over the physical satisfaction for me simply based on my need to feel connected and bonded with people - read my husband, mom, and friends. I wanted to swap experiences and be part of that group who gets to share a "When I was pregnant with..." story. I wanted to feel a little pampered. I wanted strangers to ask when I was due and hold doors. No need to burst my bubble on this if you are/have experienced this and it isn't the reality. Because I will never know it, mine gets to remain untouched in my own dream.
5. The Loss of the Physical Satisfaction of Pregnancy and Birth. Today (for whatever reason) this one would rank higher. I just want to know so much what it feels like to be so intimately connected to our child. I hate not knowing what a kick in the rib or a baby pushing on my bladder feels like. I wanted to experience labor and birth and everything that goes along with it. And because I really do share too much, I wanted to have boobs bigger than a 32A for one time in my life. The breastfeeding thing is right in there too. I may or may not have succeeded, but I at least wanted the option to try.
6. The Loss of Control Over Many Aspects Of Life. This one hasn't left the bottom of my list and I'm not fully sure why. I like to think I have come to terms with it in some ways, but a much more realistic reason might be that we are not actively pursuing treatments or in the process of adopting or in the process of any big changes (job, house, vehicle, etc.) so it might just be sitting in the background waiting for our next move.

So what does this tell me? I guess it means that my journey toward parenthood is not yet over. And fortunately for me, M ranked his list in quite a similar way except for genetic continuity ranking very low on his list. Three things became much clearer to us from this list: 1) We do still want to be parents. 2) My (current) lower ranking for pregnancy coupled with M's (current) lower ranking for genetic continuity means that neither of us have the desire to pursue donor eggs right now. 3) We want to adopt.

We want to adopt (and it feels so good to say that), but we first want to finish resolving some feelings and issues before taking that next step. We really want to be the best parents that we can and we know we aren't quite there yet. And this, my friends, feels like a couple giant steps forward...FINALLY.

* A very similar piece of advice was given to me by our wonderful therapist in reference to my work-friend-baby-meeting dilemma***. I think it may become my new motto.

**No, you didn't miss any announcements. We are still ve-rrr-yyy S-L-O-W-L-Y processing "things".

***I heeded all your wonderful advice and bailed work altogether that day. I'm not sure if it was good or bad karma, but I had bloody shits**** all day so I wasn't fully playing hooky. One more little personal victory is that I skipped the day without the guilt.

****I think I still owe you all that colonoscopy post that I promised way back when (#4 on the list).

And the over-sharing continues...