Granted I knew she was pregnant from a couple days after she peed on a stick. Not because she told me then, but because of the way she told me she had to leave work for "an appointment". Coming from others this vague statement wouldn't have meant much to me, but with her I instantly knew. I even sent a text to my dear friend E (hi E if you are out there) calling it that day.
Fast forward a couple months to an email that she wanted to talk to me. I knew what she was going to tell me and was actually glad she was finally letting the cat out of the bag so I could stop anticipating when/how/if she was going to tell me. We sat at an outdoor table at work and she nervously shared her news with me. Of course I was happy for her and did all the
We continued to have our normal girls (bi) monthly Friday
Even though I was hurt to be the only "core group work-gal" not involved in helping with her baby shower, after a long deliberation I made the choice to go and show my support for her. As for the
The shower was harder than I was prepared for. I went in with a strong and brute force attitude. I sat with my pregnant friend for awhile before all the food/games/gifts festivities began. It was your typical baby shower fanfare: bumps and babies, talk about said bumps and babies, games centered around bumps and babies, way TMI about bumps and babies...I think you all know the routine. I did not join in any reindeer games, but all things considered think I pulled off a quite stellar performance. (No need to badmouth me about not just being happy for my friend on her day, yadda, yadda, yadda. I got it and I was there because I care about her. It was still just very overwhelming and hard.)
The only real unexpected gut punches came in the form of hearing over and over how much the baby daughter of one of the hostesses looked "just like her husband". I feel guilty that I can't give my husband the same thing and it was just hard to have it so "in my face" over and over that day. I swallowed back many a tear and may have had to let a few roll in the bathroom just to save my sanity, but in my friend's eyes I was there and appeared very okay with it all.
I cried most of the drive home and again at home and again when out to dinner with my hubby. I will never have the shower, the belly, or the baby who looks like either of us...so I cried.
Continuing on in the "good friend" role, I went to see my friend at home after her son arrived. I smiled and oohed and aahed. I had told her prior to my visit that I hadn't read the birth story email that she sent out to us all as I just wasn't up for it then. That should have been open and honest enough, but I still manged to hear, "well there was just this one part that I put in the email..." a few times. I should have just read it. Her husband (likely on auto-pilot) started to put the baby in my arms before I could really decline. I wasn't in that kind of place, but there he was - this perfectly sized little bundle of love that filled my arms and made my heart literally ache on the spot. I wanted to run out the door with him never to be seen again, but 1) I'm not outwardly a crazy person and 2) No #2 I guess as my inner crazy was on overdrive.
After a few minutes I passed him back to my friend so she could breastfeed. I think I wanted to just curl up in the fetal position in his crib at this point, but instead I asked retarded questions about diapers and must have baby gadgets while listening about the "online breastfeeding board" that was so helpful and how she keeps track of his feedings by the number of minutes on each boob. Ya know because those things are interesting and useful to someone who will never experience them. But I digress...
I once again held it together so well and left just in time for the dams to break as I hadn't even made it from their house to my car when the tears started to roll. I sobbed the entire way home with those uncontrollable grasping for breath kinds of sobs. (Apologies to any witnesses on the North 5 who thought I was having some kind of seizure during the exceptionally bad rush hour the day before Thanksgiving...I was fine. Really.). I sobbed again at therapy the next week...
It was all just very overwhelming and threw me for a big loop.
The thing about all of these situations though is that I put myself in them. I had the option to go/not go and I chose to be the supportive friend. I WANTED to be a part of it in some way and not feel so isolated. I think I somewhat felt more in control of the situations because they were things I could mentally prepare for and had a choice about my participation. The fact that I have held it together so well for so long now appears to have given my friend the impression that I am just another normal fertile friend who can see a baby and go about her day.
She is bringing her son to work this Friday to "show him off". Fine by me. Make the rounds. Share the joy. Show him off in all his cuteness. Totally get this. However, she is bringing him to our regular group meeting where she knows I am scheduled to be. This is where my supportive friend juices begin to leak right out of me. My ability to choose was just removed and I feel threatened. It was not much more than a year ago when a similar situation occurred during the very same meeting and in the very same room and she knew how hard it was for me because I told her. Yet, she is choosing to do the very same thing. Either she delivered her sensitivity gene right along with her placenta or she seriously thinks her baby is the exception and suddenly those, "Who's next?" or "Doesn't it make you want one?" questions that pollute my space in these kinds of events no longer bother me. This encounter is not at all on my terms and I am slightly overwhelmed with it all.
Maybe it's my fault for putting on a good front when I wasn't really okay, but it still hurts to know that she is setting me up for this. I will likely have to claim a mental health day on Friday or hide outside somewhere with my laptop (please don't rain) to avoid being held against my will in a meeting that should be about enginerd happenings and funding opportunities and complaints about our main software modeling tool. Nowhere on the agenda should there be babies and now I have to be a bad friend and a bad coworker to save myself from returning to "that" place I have been working so hard to get myself out of.
Any thoughts? Would you suck it up and go, leave the meeting early, or bail on the meeting and/or work altogether? I feel like I'm being a bad friend, yet feel she is putting me in the position to need to be.
Infertility, you really suck me dry some days.
30 comments:
Having the choice to leave is HUGE. I refuse to self sacrifice out of pure guilt. Go see the baby on your terms. That helps 100%!!!
Methinks you have suffered enough. The dread alone is enough to wear a person down! It's clear that you've played the good friend part quite well, otherwise your friend would be a more perceptive. It's self-preservation at this point, and no guilt about it, either. Doesn't a lunch hour massage or pedicure sound lovely?
xo
I say skip the meeting (or the whole day of work if you can manage it.) I wouldn't want to be put into that situation. She knows how you felt the last time someone brought their child to a meeting and she's going to put you right back into the same situation. I'm sure she's not trying to be mean to you, but she's certainly not being sensitive. I would seriously skip it...maybe you have a really bad cold...cough cough. (Or you could tell her you're skipping the meeting and that's why, but I'm sure that probably wouldn't go over well...)
BTW, huge hugs for going to her shower and her house to visit the baby. That must have been hard.
I've been where you are. I think we infertiles are so good with our acting skills that people believe we are over it. Also, I'm sure people at work are asking her to bring the baby to work so they can see him, and a whole bunch of people asking to see the baby outweighs one neurotic barren woman. She is insensitive, though, for brining him to the meeting. If it were me, I would suffer through it, just because I would not want them to know I couldn't handle it. But you've gone out of your way to be supportive, so I see no need to ruin your weekend (and this would definitely ruin it).
Do whatever you have to do - it's one thing to put yourself on the line at somebody's house, where you're free to leave at any time. But at work it's just too much. You can always say something later like "Oh, yeah, I saw him over at her house, he's so adorable..."
I don't believe you'll never have a baby shower, by the way. I am 100% not being all baby-dusty - I know that you are mulling over so many choices in that regard, but from the outside it's easier to see that someday it will work out in some way. I hate to see all the pain and sadness you have to go through, but I still hold out hope for happiness at the end of the long (long, long) path you're on.
I agree with Anonymous -- I wonder if your friend thinks you're okay with everything since you went to the shower and stopped by to see her and the baby.
Do what you need to do to protect your heart. If that means skipping out on the meeting or work on Friday, so be it. Take care of you.
I'd totally take a mental health day. That's it. You've been amazing working through your stuff in order to be a good, supportive friend (you went way farther than was required!), you've done more than your duty. Just take a day off.
It was hard enough going through all of the BFN's so I really can't even imagine the place you are in...since I remember getting to the end of our rope and my absolute loss of faith at that moment (our "last" cycle that we could afford and that awful m/c). So, seriously, do what you need to...and take care of yourself and your DH. No one can fault you for that at all. (and, I know, even with this baby coming, I can't expect to see my DH in the baby and it kills me still...since we had to use DS -something I don't talk about much on my blog, but is true nonetheless).
Bail. Mental health day. I would.
You have been there for her, you have done way more than a lot of people could/would. I get it. I get it from the rooftops--this stuff is so hard, so hard, so hard. I think that because we're not actively failing treatment people assume we're getting better. Well, I guess it's true that the pain changes, but it's still there....oh how it's still there.
If I were there I would take you out for a giant DQ Blizzard (M&Ms with chocolate sauce added is my personal fave) and we could laugh and cry and be together and I can guarantee you I wouldn't tell you I was pregnant.
Big hugs. I wish I had more.
I think you did such a great job of being supportive she's oblivious. Maybe she feels your friendship overrides "those feelings" you had last time.
It's hard to be in a spot where you want to be supportive but your own pain gets in the way. Where you feel like someone moves on and your pain is brushed over.
Do you have to go to the meeting? Can you take a mental health day and go hiking that day?
(hugs B)
If I have learned anything through my infertility battle it is to, "Never feel guilty for protecting yourself."
Oh this sounds familiar. Like you I don't want to avoid my friends with babies, but it isn't getting easier. And as it gets harder I find myself making up for it by overacting with the guilty congratulations cards and questions about how they are sleeping (all the while repeating a mantra in my head, why don't you think about me and change the subject).
On and avoid the meeting at all costs.
You've done so much... don't feel bad because you can't do this. Look after yourself, don't feel guilty about it.
don't force yourself to do any of these things. it's already enough that fertile people genuinely don't realize how much it hurts, and then if you go and pretend to be coping just fine, it will make them feel that you're indeed alright and won't feel bad about anything. They can't guess how tough it is and that they should go slower with throwing their small offspring into our arms and such.
I did have a baby thrown into my arms the other day, and to tell you the truth I loved it, but frankly, I was surprised by my response just as well. Then another friend just mentioned how someone whom I know is pregnant and having crazy cravings for oranges, and that simple comment made me really upset. I guess we just never know and can never predict our reactions all that well.
hugs
clio
Mental! Health! Day!
I like what Carrie said, "Never feel guilty for protecting yourself." That's just plain awesome advice.
Maybe the oblivious coworker is giving you the chance to deal with this on your turf AND on your own terms. Maybe she gave you the heads up about the dog and pony and baby show for a reason.... That said, take the mental health day if it's too much. Hopefully it will be sunny and beautiful in southern CA and you can enjoy a beautiful afternoon doing something fantastic. Is wine tasting in the realm of possibilities? How about a spa day? I say do something that would make Ferris Bueller jealous. (You know who he is, right?)
{{hugs}}
You are NOT a bad friend!!! You are someone who is hurting and can only handle so much before breaking. I do believe she thinks you're ok because you put on a good front. Maybe you could pull her aside prior to the mtg and let her know that deep down you really are not ok and tell her how painful this is for you. Sending you lots of hugs B.
first of all, it is SHE who is being the bad friend. i have seen it all too often: people who are sympathetic, perhaps who have trouble conceiving, and then when they fall pregnant...it's like they forget anyone's ever had a problem conceiving and everyone is supposed to fall over backwards at their precious baby. this happens around the same time they start posting their waterbirth photos on facebook. i am not kidding.
it it was me, i would not go to the meeting. i would go out to a great lunch or to a yoga class instead. or read a book at starbucks. i would hide out in the bathroom or the janitorial closet, if need be...point being, you don't need to put yourself through that crap.
do i go to mother's of multiple meetings? no. if someone were bringing her infant twin girls to the office, would i stick around? um....HELL NO!!!!!!
seriously, set your boundaries. if she is a good friend, she will respect that. it's not personal. it's not about HER or even her baby. you need to be kind to yourself first, and that means not putting yourself in situations where people are going to hurt you (even when that hurt is unintentional)...
(((hugs)))
-E
littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com
Oh Brenda. . . You are so brave and such a good friend. I know it is hard to put on a happy face. But I agree with you- enough is enough. You shouldn't have to endure anymore. Take the day and do something for yourself.
mental health day, for sure.
and do NOT. i repeat DO NOT think you are a bad friend. IMHO, you have gone above and beyond anything that i think i would be able to do. and just because you DID them does not mean her sensitivity chip should be missing. she should get this.
i am so sorry and i admire you SO much for doing all of that. seriously, you are one hell of a woman. don't feel guilty about any of it. its her who is now taking advantage of your "good friendship"
((hugs))...wishing i could take it all away.
I have been there. I have done this. I am currently suffering through a much similar situation and have spent many hours in prayer on it.
Now, this is what I did: I sucked it up.
It doesn't mean it didn't or doesn't hurt to see people with babies. It doesn't mean I don't looooong to have my own. What it means is that I choose to be the gracious one.
I didn't come to this easily. Not at all.
There were moments when I hung up the phone and stomped around, wanting to know why my SIL who confided in me the week before that she was thinking of leaving her husband found herself pregnant. Or when three people who also took Clomid are pregnant, one with twins, when Clomid did squat for me. Any of the eight times. I have cried. I have whined. I have wondered why God dried up my ovaries.
And it doesn't mean that I don't think your friend is being a tad insensitive, cause if you confided in her, at least she could do is ask you how you feel about it.
What I think it means is that I choose how I react. I never wanted to make anyone else feel bad because they have something I don't have. I didn't want to be that girl. I am throwing a baby shower for a friend at the end of the month, and she knows my whole story. But she is a good friend, and was there for me when our adoption fell through. It's the right thing for me to do. I'm proud of you for visiting the baby!
You'll figure the right thing for you. Just be honest about it, and tell her you're not up for it. I believe that owning our feelings is important.
Prayers for you as you decide how you want to proceed.
You know, you're being so hard on yourself for not being up to this ONE thing in a long chain of things that you have been up to. You are waaaaayyy more supportive than I ever could muster up the strength to be and IMHO you need to cut yourself some slack. If you need to take a break from it, call in sick...no one wants to expose a newborn to viruses and bacteria. You seem to think that you don't have a choice but you DO...you always have a choice. You have put your friend and your friendship first so many times at the expense of your own sanity and mental well being just so you could be there for HER. It's time that she understand that she needs to be there for YOU because friendship is a 2 way street right? I think that part of IF is the denial on the part of your fertile friends...they think that just because you have been able to suck it up on more than one occasion, you're okay with it all. They don't truly understand the pain of IF nor do they want to because it is just that painful to even contemplate. I say call in sick on Friday with a 24 hour barfing thing - Norwalk virus isn't it called?
I remember you writing about that particular friend and the shower planning that you were not included in. Sigh. I'm sorry.
I think that you've done more than your share of "good friend" deeds. It's ok to put yourself and your needs first. If that means taking a mental health day then do it.
Do you ever "think" about worse it could be? Doe syour husband cheat? What about autistic children? Hun.. Your kind is always on a steady diet of when is it my turn? My turn? Nice car? 100.000 yearly? STFU!
I don't even need to read the comments above to know that you have suffered enough. in your effort to be a gracious friend, you have allowed yourself to be tortured. enough is enough. it's time to put yourself first.
I, too, have been down the road of trying to put on a smiley face during a friend's pregnancy...and later have it bite me in the ass in a major way. (This is the friend I wrote about who I am not speaking to right now.)
I think you've been plenty supportive of this friend (really strong of you) and you should totally do what you need to do (knowing that can change day by day). If you want to skip that meeting or decide to take a mental health day that morning, you do it with no regrets! You gotta, gotta self preserve.
For what it's worth (and doesn't that string of words always come before some major assvice), maybe consider letting your friend know that while you've loved getting to be a part of her baby's life, sometimes some things are just still too hard? That it's not her, but some days are like 10 steps forward, but then, maddeningly, 2 back?
I would think any real friend could understand that. And I think by telling her, you can help her realize what reality right now is like for you. She can then choose how to respond -- hopefully with more understanding.
ps - WTF on the comment from "Anonymous" tonight? That kind of evil spew just comes from someone so pitifully miserable in their own life -- she should take her eyeballs somewhere else!!! Does tearing someone else down make her feel better? Sad, so very sad.
SKIP IT. You only need to see the baby on your terms. You are SO VERY STRONG and as I've said before, I admire your strength.
((BIG HUG)) And I agree with Pepper-A lunch hour pedi or massage sounds devine!
My heart literally ached as I read this post. I physically cringed in places. I too have a few friends who would listen to my it-hurts-so-bad-to-be-around-babies-and-pregnant-women diatribes only to wantonly commit the same sin a short time later. I guess my sobs and pleas weren't pathetic enough to get through their thick skulls to their tiny little brains?
In any case, what would I do? Avoid the event entirely. If you can, bailing on the whole day is the best option that way you can avoid the collateral baby talk before and after the meeting.
I agree that you should bail. You have suffered enough and should not have to endure that situation or the insensitivity of your friend. I think women tend to lose perspective when they have a baby... they feel their child is so special that they could not fathom a reason why anyone, infertile or otherwise, would not want to spend time with them. That's been my experience, anyway.
I'm sorry that I'm coming to this at the 11th hour. I thought I had posted, but I think I just thought a lot about it and never actually did it.
Like others have suggested, it seems to me that a mental health day is in order. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like it might be awkward to just avoid the meeting. But if you're sick, you're sick. Nobody questions that.
I agree that your friend is being insensitive, but I also agree that your support of her throughout her pregnancy probably confused the issue for her. She figures you're over it, at least when it comes to her baby. Note, I'm not saying you did anything wrong. You've been nothing but an extraordinarily good friend. I hope you enjoy the day and don't beat yourself up for not doing one more supportive-friend-thing.
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