I'm not fully sure what my problem is (okay, okay, problems as in plural, happy?), but I have some suspect ideas (denial, avoidance, worry, fear...) that maybe I'll dig into better another time (I wouldn't hold my breath waiting if I were you). I try to write for a few days, end up with a bunch of confusing-half written-unpublishable posts, and then abandon them all for weeks.
So I think it's time for better or worse to just finish off some of these statements and see how things look on the other side.
Back up to September with me...M and I were working through the adoption book I mentioned in this post trying to figure out what our next steps would be. We were at the point of separately ranking and weighting the 6 IF losses and then meeting up to compare notes. We were very much on the same page with everything (even down to re-engineering the ranking-weighting process to be much more efficient)...'cause that's important to this process for us left-brained folk.
It was obvious for both of us that we wanted to go down the adoption path. We were pretty excited and spent a whole session talking to C (our therapist) about our options. We signed up and completed an 8-week pre-adoption group ready to immerse ourselves. And then nothing happened. We didn't research anything (and still haven't). Aside from our weekly therapy sessions we really didn't mention it at all (and still don't). We barely spoke at all during the group and felt a bit like outsiders. I guess you could say we are stuck (or exhausted/confused/grieving/whatever...).
Aside from some snide remarks about my crusted over ovaries or inside jokes with M about gettin' us a Wal-Mart baybay (because they really do have everything there, ya know?), I've shut down
Most days I want nothing to do with any of it because I am honestly just so sick of it controlling my thoughts and actions and choices. On the days that I do feel like working through it, I eventually let the worry overtake me to a place where thoughts become messy and jumbled and overwhelming to the point that I fall right back into the arms of my old friend Denial*.
I worry that my personal life experiences/upbringing and the way I am wired will make me a poor candidate to be an adoptive mother. I worry that nobody will understand WTF I'm even trying to say when I explain what the previous sentence even means. I worry that everyone who has ever adopted will tell me that they wish they had done it sooner or that it is the most amazing thing ever, instead of just meeting me where I am today. I worry that I'm the only one who has made virtually no progress moving forward in the almost 1 year since our final cycle failed....Yes, on 02/20 it will be one whole fucking pissed away year. I worry that so many of the women I have come to know and love in the ALI blogosphere have moved so far ahead that they are bored with, too busy for, or can't fully relate to a good portion of what I'm saying. I worry that women who are on their way or already have bio babies will tell me that if their X-Y-Z procedure hadn't worked to give them their miracle, they would have adopted...because I thought that before our final cycle too. I worry that my thoughts will offend someone (or a lot of someones). I worry that my hesitation right now is a sign that I am not cut out to be a mother at all...
Much like my thought process this post seems unfinished, but it is at least a start to sharing again. I think it gets me off the hook for number 3 on my list.
*While one might think Denial is all bad, I give him credit for helping to poke at and wake up other parts of my brain that I have let fall to the wayside for way too long. Inspired by Sarah's 101 Challenge, I created my own 101 in 1001 blog in search of my "happy" again. **
**And this one should take care of number 6. I really could try to tie in number 2 here also because without this medical procedure many of the items in my 101 list would likely not happen or would be modified in a way that removes a lot of the fun/challenge, but think it deserves a post all it's own.
30 comments:
Hi B!!! It's always good to hear from you, even if it's not all good stuff. It's just nice to know how you're doing so I can either cheer you on or send a hug. So today I'm sending you a big much deserved hug and letting you know that you would be a great mom, don't ever think differently! (((Hug)))
No matter what you decide, I am here rooting for you ALWAYS!!! I wish I could give you a big hug, and let you cry on my shoulder!!!!
Hugs
Erica
There is never a need to apologize for taking your time to write in your own space. So very glad to hear from you and hope this new year brings some resolution to you.
Ahhhh yes. The adoption brain scramble. That's what LC and I are calling it now. Don't apologize at all for feeling 'stuck'--you know our situation. Money down, paperwork done, and still STUCK STUCK STUCK and not blogging about it even, though I guess if someone reads this comment they might learn something about me. At any rate, I nodded emphatically when I read your part about those who did succeed with ART commenting that if their procedure had failed they would have adopted...yes yes yes. So easy to say when you're not actually faced with it.
And I am in no way saying adoption is bad, or less than, or any of that. You know that. It's just complicated. COMPLICATED.
Wow, my comment really sucks. It's basically useless except to scream at the top of my lungs across the states: I GET IT B!!! I GET IT!!! I'M HERE TOO.
I swear, we must talk. In real life.
Hey you - it's okay, you know. It's okay not to blog. It's okay not to know what to do. It's okay not to want to talk about anything.
Sending you lots of (((hugs))) - and know that whatever you do, I'll still be reading!
oh yikes, honey.
The further we go with adoption, the more I realise just how serious it is. When a person is 'considering' it (like you say - 'if we hadn't succeeded with xyz, we wouold have adopted!') it's really easy to forget about the really hard, really real parts. I had no idea about so much of that when we started our process.
Every day, I'm really glad we adopted. But. It's also the source of the most cognitive dissonance I've ever experienced, and I'm sure I still don't really get it.
Before I started this process, I would have always thought that a person who hadn't been able to conceive 'should' adopt if they wanted kids, and that would 'fix' the problem. (Sorry, am going overboard with the 'quotes' today. Not sure why). But now I've been through it, I would never, ever, ever think that any more.
I really wish this stage was easier for you. But I think you're extremely wise not to be jumping into anythign too fast because the rest of the world thinks you should be ready by now. I'm thinking of you, B.
You know, you and Mrs. LC always talk about people being tired and not wanting to follow along with your stories any more but I can't tell you how wrong you are. Especially after you have selflessly come by and offered support during some of our really dark days. Your stories are not over and I will continue to follow along and offer what support I can, even if it is just to say "I'm sorry" or "Yes, this sucks" and "No, you don't deserve this". I don't know about anyone else, but IF has forever changed me and you never forget how isolated or sad or how awful all of the low points were. This is your blog and if people don't like it, they can stop reading it. As for me, I will continue to follow your story and try to offer what support I can.
I agree that adoption is extremely complicated and it is a whole different ball of wax unto itself. Perhaps the fact that you haven't moved fully onto this idea means that you still have some grieving to do and no one can put a time limit on that. One day, you will wake up and realize that it is time to move on, but until then, I think you need to grieve. And don't be sorry about that - you've been through a LOT, much more than many people in one lifetime. Don't be so hard on yourself okay?
First off, I'm so glad you're back! I hope you stick around for a while :)
Second, I have to say I agree with Mrs LC. I know I have not walked in your shoes but I can only imagine the frustration you feel from people (IF success cases, IF, or fertiles) who give you the "just adopt" speech. It's an extremely complicated, very personal decision that is certainly not for everyone, so I don't see how it's the miracle cure answer. You are wise to take your time and decide if it is really the path you want to take.
You will be an amazing mother regardless of how you get there. Don't ever think otherwise!!
I think what you are feeling is totally normal. there is so much grief at every step. a certain amount of inaction or inertia is a natural part of any decision-making. none of these issues are easy. at all.
don't worry about anyone else, just take care of yourself.
I luv you B.
You don't suck. You just have to write when it's right for you. I understand writing posts and then not publishing them. Been there before. You wrote, "I worry that my hesitation right now is a sign that I am not cut out to be a mother at all..." I think you are just in between right now and that's okay. You and M are trying to work through things - sometimes that means taking a break from it all, just like when we were TTC. I have no doubt that you ARE cut out to be a mother -- you are such an incredibly kind, loving, thoughtful, and caring person.
I'm always here for you. No matter where you are, no matter what you are feeling.
No speeches here! No way you'll ever hear a "just adopt" or "if my last cycle had worked out differently" from this camp. You're amazingly supportive in ways that I'm fairly certain I couldn't be if the tables were turned (that you visit the blogs of those who are pregnant after ART amazes me, then on top of that you actually make nice comments--like I said, INCREDIBLE) so I'm MORE than happy to meet you wherever you are and to listen and nod and send a virtual hug. I look forward to hearing from you and would read whatever drivel you might decide to spill here--so please share whenever and in whatever way you feel up to it!
I don't think that anything that is going through your head or anything that you're feeling is wrong by any sense of the word. I do want to tell you though that even though I have come out of the other side of the IF struggle, I STILL wonder at times if I am cut out to be a mother. Parenting is all about guilt - you worry constantly if the one time you lost your temper if that is going to the one thing that scars your child for life - the mere fast that your worrying about that is proof enough that your cut out to be mother because you are concerned for the welfare of your child.
Whatever you decide to do, you have support. Taking a break to decide what you really want to do isn't wrong or a waste of time - it's what you need to do to make the right decision. You are on your own time - line - no one elses. Do whats right for you and your DH - no one else matters. (((((HUGS))))))
Adoption is a wonderful option, but that doesn't mean that it isn't extremely complicated as well. I don't think it's fair for others to act as if it is a fix-all or that they would have jumped directly from infertility treatment to adoption without hesitation. This is a massive decision, and you need to give yourself all the time and space you need to make sure it is right for you. Hoping the answers come to you soon.
It sounds to me like you're doing what you need to do to just keep moving through the emotions. It hasn't been a wasted year, you know that when you're ready, you and your hubby want to adopt. You're just taking the time to get ready.
We dealt with lots of infertility but were able to carry 2 boys 5 years apart to life. We then adopted 2 girls from China. I had lots of reasons it would'nt work but I now know that infertility and loss brought me these angels. If I'd of known I was gonna love them this much, I would have done it sooner in life. They are amazing! No matter where they grew, they were meant to be mine. NO REGRETS now.
Your blog will never be boring!! And don't worry about when you write...we will be here for you no matter what! I haven't really gotten anywhere the past year either...kinda sucks that another year has passed.
Hey now, I know everything (and more!) about p!ssing away whole f-ing years. And I'm here to tell you that sometimes you need to do that p!ssing and then you need to meet *yourself* where you are right now. Don't worry about what the idiots out there think or say or do. You're doing just fine.
Please don't ever feel like you need to apologize...we all totally get it (or should get it) that you need to take the time for you and your DH and do what's best for YOU guys...no one else.
Please know we are always here to listen and offer support as you need...and to be there silently when you need that, too.
For my two cents, I totally agree with Jill M. that I think you would make a *great* mom...and by saying that I don't mean to put any pressure on you. I'm just saying, you are great!
I would really love to meet up in person one day...maybe some of us NorCal gals can make a trip down to SoCal this year? XO
Wishing all good things for you, Brenda, this new year...
I know you will be a great mum cuz you are who you are - kind, caring, considerate and with a heart SOOO BIG and WARM! that I'll never forget what a wonderful dear friend you are!!!
So, take your time to decide your options but do know that I'm here to listen, be it the good stuff or bad.
ps. Did you just have a new hairdo? you look HAWWWWTTTT!!!! :) AAAHHHHH-OOOOOOOOO!!!!! :)
Ever since your post, I have been debating leaving this comment and finally I am going to leave it. Since starting to read your story, I have been following this beautiful adoption story (friend of a friend):
momentswithlove.blogspot.com
I won't go into a long comment. I just wanted to leave it out there for you since you started the post asking if people wanted to talk about adoption. Reading Love's journey has made me look at adoption in a completely different light.
(I am not religious so I tune out the religion parts.)
Brenda, you're awesome, and I love you (is that weird to say about someone I've never met?)! *hugs*
This whole IF bizznatch is so goddamned DRAINING. And I don't mean that in an "Ugh! She keeps talking about IF. It's so draining!" kind of way. I mean that in a, "WORD. I totally feel you! Why must IF rule our lives??? Why won't it stop??? WHere is the relief?" kind of way.
I think you and hubs have taken some really positive steps. You have to take this at your own pace. Just because you're taking time to grieve and figure things out does NOT mean you'd be a bad mother! To the contrary!
We're always always here for you and we love *hearing* from you.
I love it when you post. I am always here...no matter where our paths take us...always here rooting for you and hoping you can find some peace in the bullshit that is IF.
I am intrigued by your 101 things! Did you post it somewhere?
Much love - T
De-lurking!!!
I have no advice because really, only you will be able to decide what is best for you. All I can tell you is this: I got pg once on my own and it ended in M/C, all subsequent ART, incl having 2 blasts tsfr'd, ended with BFN, my body was done, my head was done and my heart was in pieces. All of this while I dealt with the sudden death of my father and the ensuing mayhem produced when his significant other contested the will.
Then one day, it hit me, while I was watching some kids about 5 yrs old - I don't give a crap how I become a mom, I just want to be a mom. I walked away from 9 frozen embies and instead became a mom to a little girl via domestic adoption.
Is it right for everyone? Heck no. Did I reach that decision lightly? Heck no. Am I happier than a tornado in a trailer park (1 guess where I stole that line from)? YOU BET!!
It wasn't easy to get here, but I did it on my terms and my timeline.... and you will too.
I'm glad you are talking. Your timeline is your and yours alone. I think it's great you are true to yourself and your feelings. I'm proud of you, B. I really and truly am. And I am also here for you.
Also, your hair is so cute! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it short! When did you cut it? What's hubby think? You are so damn adorable, girl!
I know you feel like you ramble sometimes, but you are very articulate. I admire your courage.
I have no words of advice (assvice), just know that I am out here listening.
((HUGS))
Don't worry about your thoughts offend people. they are your thoughts and you need to work through them. And I am sure that anything you express will be done in a way that makes it clear this is how you feel about your situation not a blanket dismissal of other people's reactions as wrong.
And secondly you have to move at your own pace.
Best of luck with what ever happens next, even if it is nothing I hope it is a calm. planned nothing.
I so get the wondering if I'm going to be a very good mother thing. You can not understate the effect your childhood had on your life. I never realized how buried some of my childhood trauma was until I got pg - and after this (again) failure, I really am questioning my ability to be a mother. I don't care what anybody says, when it happens to you, you doubt if you are really meant to be a mother.
I appreciate where your are at, because I feel it's where I'm at. I had this grand plan to pursue DE if this last cycle with my OE didn't work, and right now, I have no desire to be pg or do any of that. I don't even want to think about it. I don't know if I even want to blog anymore. I just get too upset when I read other blogs now. I think I worry about the same things you do.
Having said all that, someone once recommended to be a book called, "Mothering without a Map". I think it's for women like us who don't want to mother like our mothers did. I still haven't gotten the book. How much of a chicken am I?
Hey there! Just wanted to say I am glad you are back to. In your time. However and whenever. I'll be here supporting you in whichever path you take. (((hugs)))
You absolutely don't have to make any excuses...I'm just so glad to hear from you!
And I have to say, as I have always said, and not that I have anywhere near the experience some people have had or been though...you never know what the next step is for you until you are standing in front of it. How can anyone say what they would/will do in a particular set of circumstances until they are literally staring them in the face???
Take all the time you need...and I'll listen to anything you need to talk/bitch/rage/ramble/express yourself about.
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