Are you as bored with this topic as I am yet? I can imagine reading some of this stuff has many of you wanting to just hit fast forward on my blog to get to where I am done with all this processing crap and really actively "doing" something again. I am so looking forward to that day too my friends. Baby steps...
M and I started joint counseling with a therapist at the end of July. As a couple we are probably at our best ever in so many ways and have never felt closer.
So why the therapy then?
We are struggling with our grief and what the next steps in our "journey to baby" will be. We are actually on the same page with one another, but that page is frighteningly blank. Okay so not really blank per say, but filled with lots of undecipherable doodles and squigglies directing us to believe that we need some help to sort through our maze of feelings and figure out what is keeping each of us so stuck from taking another step.
Our therapist (C) specializes in infertility and alternate family building choices (donor options, surrogacy, adoption). She not only specializes, but has stood in similar shoes some years ago and is a proud mother of 2 (the first through adoption and the second through ovum donation). To say C just "gets it" is the understatement of the year and we feel incredibly lucky to have found her. I mean, anyone who isn't afraid to call M's dad an asshole (when rightly deserved), ask about autoimmune testing just based on hearing portions of our family histories, is not only willing to share what she has been through just to get us talking but also is so very educated and qualified to help us once we open our own mouths is so so an amazing kind of person in our world right now. Yup, we feel so incredibly lucky to have her on our side.
On our first meeting she asked me how important it was to experience pregnancy on a scale of 1 (not important at all) to 10 (OMG are you crazy I HAVE to experience it).
"Eight."
Hmmm, that wasn't too hard.
After a great deal of mindless babble and many tears on my part coupled with some pretty amazing, intelligent, and heartfelt questions and discussions from the mister, (I knew he had it in him, but damn...He really blows me away sometimes.) we were directed to a little reading:
The book is set up into 4 sections and by the time you finish section 1 (chapters 1-3) you should have a pretty good idea if adoption is the right path for you or if another alternate choice (another IVF, donor options, childfree...) would be better at this point in time. It also is set up to help figure out the major issues we have with each option. With C's help we can work through each to find a resolution we are not only comfortable with, but excited about.
Now we're talking...
So chapter 3 is where the real homework begins and it entails ranking the 6 infertility losses described in chapter 1 and then assigning a weight to each*. M and I are to do this separately and then plan a retreat weekend to contrast, compare, and discuss the hell out of why we feel the way we do about each and hopefully bring us to a point of moving forward.
Because I've been told I tend to err on the side of being
"Would you rather be pregnant with a child that is not genetically yours, but genetically M's? or Would you rather have a child that is genetically both of yours via a surrogate?"
"Surrogate."
"So there you go. That is your start."
I was actually
Because C likes to make us "go there", she started a discussion about what my drive for the genetic connection is.
"I want to see each of us in our child."
"I want to see what personality traits our child gets from each of us (and blame all the bad crap on M)."
"I don't want to feel different or for our child to feel different."
*pause*
"I want to... lump building in throat...see part of my dad again." Major snot-dripping-get-a-grip sobs.
ding. ding. ding. Houston, we have a winner.
Loss buried under loss. Boy, did I not see that one coming. Really, this one had to be tucked under a rock of emotions nestled deep inside a place I haven't visited in a long while. Even though it came from my head and out my mouth I can't put my finger on how it got there. Very weird...and yet not so much when I start to think about it now.
We spent a good portion of that session talking about my dad, our relationship, the kind of person he was, what I had hoped to see of him in our child, my jumbled thoughts on how I am letting him down, his death, and how I dealt with losing him.**
More processing, more homework, another letter to be written, and one more piece of our giant "journey to a baby" jigsaw puzzle partially put into place.
We may be slow-going with this stuff, but it finally feels like progress.
*I'll save the losses and our ranking/weighting for another post
**Likely to have a post come out of this one too because apparently I'm a processing whore these days
45 comments:
You are fortunate to have found C knowing that she has been in the depths and come out. It's good that you and M have someone to help guide you through the healing process and potentially find the answers you need to move on. And wow, that must have been a real humdinger to associate the loss of your dad with IF. I really, really hope that you are finding some light in all this.
On a completely unrelated, related note, does your therapist know about your blog? If so, has she read it? After my miscarriage, I visited w a therapist for a very brief time, and part of it included writing things out. I chose to write them on my blog, but I never shared my writings w her. I'm curious if you have mentioned it to C.
{{hugs}}
It sounds like C is a great person to work with, especially since she had first hand experience. I'm glad that you guys are taking this step to help bring out some of the emotions and ideas that are either buried deeper than you think or are even there in the first place. You are only going to become even stronger as a couple by going through this process together.
Baby steps are better than no steps at all, so take all the time you need to sort this all out! Whenever you're ready to get to that next step, we'll be ready to take it with you. Until then, my friend, type away :)
Wow. Your therapist sounds absolutely amazing. Is she taking new patients? ;-)
I'm so glad that you and DH found someone who *really* gets it. So important.
The progress you've made sounds very encouraging. Isn't it amazing how therapists have the ability to coax such suppressed feelings and emotions to the surface with one "simple" question?
And, for the record, I will never bore of you talking about how you're coping with all of this and how you're processing it. For *your* sake, I hope the healing process is complete sooner rather than later. Don't worry about us. We're just here to listen and support you. *hugs*
I'm grateful that you found a great therapist.
I envy your whorishness. (I bet that's a phrase you never thought you'd hear.;))
I'm proud of you for working through in, for working in it. Thank you for sharing it.
Im so glad you found C and she is helping you and M work through your grief and onto new ideas and plans! I am also really happy to hear...er...see... a little excitement about the direction you are headed! :) I will be praying for you guys as you research and make a decision as to your next step!
I just couldn't keep it together when you were talking about wanting to see your Dad in your child .... oh man, hand me the kleenex.
I love that C is in your lives. I look forward to all your processing & whoring ;-)
Therapy is a great step. In our case, despite being close and normally feeling able to talk to each other about anything, our therapist got us both to say things we wouldn't have otherwise. There's something different about the whole infertility experience that makes it harder to say or even know right away what's on your mind. That third party is GREAT for helping cut to the chase.
Best wishes as you move forward.
my mom and dad are both gone. missing my mom and wanting there to be ONE person on this earth that carries her genes after me - that is a huge motivation for me and it totally kills me that i may not be able to make it happen.
other wise, i think i would be in a better place about the other options out there.
i might need your therapist! is she on the west side or where?!?
xoxo
~jd
Wow Brenda you are so very lucky to have found C. She sounds like the perfect person to guide you through this difficult, emotional decision making process.
Um, your mention of wanting to see your dad in your children sent shivers up and down my spine. It also sent me to some inner thoughts I've been having about wishing and hoping that I see Myles in my future babies. I was feeling guilty about this, but I guess it seems benign and probably pretty normal.
I don't want this to seem in any way shape or form like a plug for surrogacy. But I must tell you that my desire to carry a baby is still probably at a 7. I've thought it over on many occassions and have decided that it's a maternal desire that likely won't go away. I can't just turn it off. It's there and it's fairly strong, yet here I am in the midst of surrogacy and couldn't be happier. I hope that didn't come off as being all about me. I just want you to see that you aren't alone with ranking carrying a baby high, yet saying that a biological child is more important to you than a non-bio baby in your uterus. I'm there and I get it.
I enjoy hearing about all your processing so keep it coming! ;) I'm so happy you are back ... I really missed you!
Hi, B. You already know that I'm so glad that you and M found C to talk to - she has been there and really gets it. It has to help knowing that she understands from personal experience.
As far as wanting to see part of your dad in your child, I get that. I think it makes a lot of sense. I hope that C is able to help you with sense of loss as well.
I know you are both figuring out where you are right now and where you are going, but I'm here for you.
I am so glad you found a therapist like C! My attempts to find such a therapist for my husband and I to see when down in serious flames (read re-traumatized by said therapist), and I am reluctant to try anyone new. If I lived where you are, I'd be asking for recommendations!!
It is amazing how all our losses are linked, it seems. For me, not having children means the loss of never having the family I wanted as a child. That's kind of a heavy thing to put on a future child, but it more speaks to my deep loss, like the deep loss of your dad. Hmmm, sometimes I'm amazed at what comes out when I write. Do we have to deal with all of our baggage/grief before we welcome a child into our lives? I'm sure it would be helpful, for the sake of being completely there for our child no matter how they come into our lives. Just kinda talking out loud here, not really sure what to do with it.
how wonderful you found such a good therapist to help you navigate next steps.
and how profound your realization of the layers of loss. it's very real, to feel one loss on top of the other like that. they say that when you grieve, you're really grieving all your losses all over again. makes sense.
Oh, wow, oh, wow. Thank you so much for sharing all this, Brenda.
The realization you had about wanting to see a bit of your dad again touched me deeply. Truly so moving.
My goodness that caused me to reflect. Sometimes I don't think my family's genes are so hot. Maybe that's why I am so open to adoption.
This therapist sounds fantastic!! I love the thought of these ranking exercises. It is so incredibly helpful to hear. You are inspiring me to do this with my hubby.
Please know we'll be here for you during your baby steps along the way, all the way.
You are very lucky to have such a fab counsellor. It sounds like she is really helping you.
In May I sat with my counsellor (my M refused to come with me) and we sat and talked about options, and then she asked me to list the options in order 1 - 5, with 1 being the option I thought I wanted most and 5 being the least. I then had to guess at M's order - which I knew was different...
BUT because of that talk, because I came home and chatted with M, we have a path forwards that is working for both of us. I really hope for the same for you -a way forward that you are both comfy with.
I am so glad that you have found C, and that you are back to blogging in this space. I am thinking about you, and praying for you guys. ((((hugs)))
-E
http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com/
Your posts, my dear, are the LAST ones I would ever skip to the bottom of without reading. I'm glad you're making progress...it's hard walking through the dark, not being able to see where exactly you're going or in which direction you're headed.
I want to see you come out on the other side of this into a much brighter place.
I love that you're sharing your journey...I won't skip a thing. :-)
Your therapist sounds truly amazing. If she hadn't been through all of this and really understood it, I'd feel like I wouldn't give her opinions/tests so much weight...but this is a great place for you and your hubby to be right now. I know it isn't an easy place, but you found a great person to help the two of you through this. I'm glad she is helping you and making you bring stuff to the surface you didn't even know was there...the mark of a good therapist. You and your DH will get through this and will have a beautiful family (however that happens) one day.
oh...and process away. I'm here to read them and support as best I can...and get all choked up and teary while I do.
I have absolutely no desire to "fast forward" through your posts about loss. You are working through some heavy-duty stuff here, and you need this outlet in addition to the ones you've already got (kudos to your amazing therapist, btw). Plus, it is valuable to me and I am sure others to follow your process of "moving on", as I am simultaneously forcing myself to consider what I will do if our last-ditch attempt fails.
That said, I relate very much to the emotions you have identified. Having a genetic link to our children is incredibly important to me as well, and I know that is partly related to the death of my father. My husband's father died just weeks ago, and now I feel even stronger pressure to have a biological child so that my husband can have a part of his father's legacy. These are the kinds of deep, heavy aspects of dealing with infertility that others neglect when they assume, for example, that adoption is a good solution for everyone.
I hope this break-though has brought you one step closer to finding the right path to baby for you. And, if you do ever decide to try surrogacy, you know where to find some support!
wow, sounds like you and M have hit the jackpot with this psychologist. She sounds amazing. It's interesting that you've posted this as I am stumbling around thinking what's next these days. I may have to get my hands on a copy of that booklet.
I think you and M are doing great. It is so wonderful that you are working together on this. About your Dad, hugs being sent your way. It is incredibly difficult to lose someone so close to us. I know the feeling of letting people down due to infertility (whether it's rational or not).
Oh my gosh! That book is clearly the updated version of 'adoption after infertility', by Patricia Irwin Johnston (same lady, yes? I'm reading that tiny font correctly?) which is AMAZINGLY good. The six losses! I posted about this a few months ago because it is my desert island adoption related loss-processing book. I am way, way too excited about seeing that she's done an updated version.
Your therapist sounds awesome. I'm so sorry that you have so many layers of this loss to process. But I'm incredibly glad that she can help you baby step through it all. HUGS.
Wow I'm moving to LA to see your therapist :)
I am so sorry about the loss of your father, and how that impacts all of the IF issues. We are such complicated beings, and I'm glad you have a great therapist to help you sort through things.
Big hugs.
Sounds like you have found the perfect therapist. You have so much on your plate to sort through and figure out. It's no surprise you and M need to take this time to figure it out together. C seems to have a knack for getting to the bottom of your feelings. Take your time. There's no need to rush into a next step. We are here for you.
What a wonderful therapist. She sounds perfect. I am so happy you found her and are working through these things. Its hard work and very profound. No matter what pace you go, you should be proud.
Wow, very interesting! I'm so glad you found someone that is proving to help you through this tough decision making phase. I love that she gets it. Hugs my friend!
Oh wow. Just wow.
When we were deciding whether to try again after losing our twins, I too said I would prefer a surrogated over the alternative. But I never looked too far into my answer :) What a gift you have in C.
C sounds amazing - it must be such a relief to feel some real guidance through all of this.
I also have to say that I had written and then erased some overly long comment on your balloon post about how family is a connection to the past, bigger than just having a baby - it seems so goopy and silly but your thoughts about your dad so much more perfectly represent what I was trying to say anyway. That connection holds us to our histories, and it's hard to give that up. Certainly not impossible, and it may turn out that a theoretical connection to the past isn't as important as a practical connection to the present and the future. But it's not nothing, and I totally absolutely get it.
Thanks for sharing the ins and outs with us as you go through all of this!
It sounds like you are in the right place, and doing things at the right pace. I sometimes worry when I read about a blog that has a matter of weeks between loss and adoption.
Wow, sounds like a great therapist! Ones who have the skill and insight to guide you to your own revelations (while not shoving them in your face) are hard to find. And to find one who really 'gets it' is equally wonderful.
Although it's hard, I'm sure, I am so glad you are able to walk through this process with someone like that. I hope it brings you a true healing and finds you in the place where you figure out where to go from here, wherever that may be.
I can't say it enough- I am so, so proud of you, Brenda! What ablessing to find "C!"
You always have me in tears. I am so glad yall are making progress. Slow and steady wins the race, babe. I know you and M are going to come out on top!
Love you,
Tara
You guys are working your asses off in this processing phase. So impressive.
I own that book - I think it's a good one.
Therapy really help Alex and I get through a lot of the infertility processing. It can be a wonderful thing if you are willing to put the hard work into it...which you both are obviously doing.
I want to be pregnant so bad too. But I want to see a unique combination of my husband's bloodline and my own too. I think that, when it comes right down to it, the latter is more important to me as well. Hm. Guess I had never really thought about it before.
I totally lost it when you said you want to see part of your dad in your child. I lost my mum when I was 8 and I wanted to see my mum in my child too. You always say the right things to make me reflect and think.
I'm here, reading on and holding on for hope for you whilst you take your baby steps.
Big love and hugs.
ps I'm still lighting a torch for you and waiting for you to get out of tunnel.
pps Still reading on, don't stop writing and hope that this Summer (it'll be summer for us) brings renewed hope for you and M.
I love reading about your journey.
I have given you an award, please stop by my blog to grab it.
OMG, what a gift you have in C!! It is so good that you have such a knowledgeable person who *gets it* to talk to. Keep going girl, keep taking those baby steps!
So happy to hear that you and M are stronger and better than ever! This beast of IF can rock the depths, so that is AWESOME you guys are solid!
One more note, I like the weekend retreat idea to discuss the hell out of options/details, etc. I need to *talk* through to process too....so that totally appeals to me. BTW, choose some place good! :-)
I'm happy you have found C. I searched and searched for a counselor/therapist who even knew what IVF was, let alone had the experiences and the heartache and the ups and downs that go with it. I know you say you are taking baby steps, but correlating your dad with your losses was a major step. I am so proud of you and wish I could shake C's hand for helping you.
Sorry it's been forever in commenting. C sounds like a great person to have come across. She really does sound like someone who gets it. I hope that each day is just a bit better than the next, even if just a tad. I wish I could just give you a hug at those parts of the day when you needed one. You deserve to know that people are here for when you need them ((Hugs))
Just stopping by to offer some hugs. I hope everything works out for you! I love reading this blog as well, very well written.
Wow, you are so lucky to have therapist who "gets it." I'm glad it's helping you process through this. IF is a process that robs us of normally when it comes to building a family and it totally sucks. I can relate to many of the feelings you share. Take care.
I have not been able to comment since your "see part of my dad again." This is so much a part of our story that it leaves me just speechless. So, I can't find the words. But I can tell you that I think of this post often, very often, and randomly, like when I am making the bed, setting my coffee cup on the roof of my car, grabbing the remote to change the channel...
With the loss of my mom and then D's father, I so want that genetic connection, to see that part of our parents grow into a future. This was a powerful therapy session.
Thank you so much for sharing it with the rest of us, so we can examine a little deeper as well. Powerful stuff.
B - I hope you are doing well (as can be). I haven't checked in for a while because the last time I checked I couldn't get into your blog. I am happy to read that you are moving forward in a direction that helps you and dh as a couple. I am also happy that you have found someone who has been in the same situation with a POSITIVE outcome to help you and guide you in a positive direction. I still wish you nothing but the best. I pray for your happiness, you will find it, baby steps. . . some get to take giant leaps but others have to do the baby steps, unfair . .yes, very much so. Hugs to you. ~An old FF friend, Toni.
Hi Brenda,
Thank you so much for dropping by and leaving me such a sweet comment. Yes, we do run in some of the same circles - in fact, I see a couple of commenters here that I have met in person through the blog-world, and they are some of my closest friends now! :-)
I have read your blog once in a while, but am going to be more regular now.
C sounds amazing! It must have been such a revelation to know you want to see your Dad in your baby!
Good luck!
Just checking in and hoping all is well.
Holy shit, Brenda, I am just so deeply moved by this and the later post about your dad. You are an amazing person and writer. I thank you for sharing. I am very happy for you to have found C too!
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