When a warrior learns to stop the internal dialogue, everything becomes possible; the most far-fetched schemes become attainable. ~Carlos Castaneda
Crap, so now I guess I really have to start writing something again. And the proper thing to do is to give some kind* of update, huh?
The bird's eye view for the past 5 1/2 months:
First, I was in denial: the queen of pretending this-really-isn't-happening-to-me-and-I-will-be-that-girl-who-gets-a-BFP-after-all-the-treatments-have-stopped-and-I-finally-*puke*-relax kind of denial.
Then I was really pissed: like fire-starter-inferno-rage-feel-like-the-hulk-(complete with green envy) and-was-certain-I-could-kick-his-ass-anyway kind of pissed. (My hubby's least favorite of my phases).
Next came the sadness: continually-crying-everywhere-I-went-and-cowardly-calling-in-sick-to-work-so-I-could-hide-under-the-covers-all-day-and-cry-some-more-just-really-wanting-off-the-planet kind of sad.
And finally I was just "blah": physically-present-but-not-really-"in the moment"-in-thoughts-or-actions kind of distant blah.
Now lather, rinse, and repeat with varying degrees of severity and an occasional change up in the order just to keep things interesting.
Throw in the return of one office mate from maternity leave, the pregnancy of the other office mate, my move of offices (from babypalooza to the dungeon - duh. duh. duhhh...) before I had a full blown meltdown, the birthday parties (yes, plural) with bumps and babies, the quitting (pleading a case of the angries with a deep-rooted streak of stubborn) and re-starting of therapy (with tail between legs), the addition of a joint therapist with hubby, and the entertaining of my family for a week in our tiny 1650 sq. ft house (5 adults, 2 children) which included a full day of fun at the 7th dimension of infertile hell (aka Disneyland) just to round things out.
The last few months have been a ride.
Every time I started to write something I felt so full of myself and my thought process went to mush creating this internal dialogue battle of the wills.
"But I can't have a baby!! Why me? This sucks. I don't want to deal with this...Doom. Gloom. Doom. Gloom."
"Get over yourself already. So you can't have a baby. It isn't the end of the world. Plenty of people have it way worse and keep going (much more quickly I might add). Get up, fight, and figure out another way..."
"But I've been fighting. I've fought for 4 years. I lost. I suck. My body sucks. I'm tired. I'm done. I hate everything and I just don't care anymore...Whine, whine, whine, and whine some more."
"So is this it? Are you really done? Are you just going to sit and wallow in your misery for ever? I thought you were tougher than that."
"Yes. YES. And Y-E-S!! And I hate you too!!"
"Weenie."
And that is how my internal battle played out one too many times until I finally said "Fuck it" and cut myself a little slack to just do this in my own time and way. I needed to grieve for me and quit comparing to what others might have/might not have done or how quickly/not so quickly they did it.
"I am tougher. I will fight. I will continue moving forward...when I am ready. Now lay off and let me be for a bit."
"Okay, okay already. Geez."
No push to write. No push to move forward. No push to do anything, but learn to just live with where I am in the now without all the added pressures.
And finally those little effers in my head made some peace (or killed one another off) and I slowly started wanting to rejoin life (and the blogosphere) again...
*Maybe not quite the one you were hoping for, but I'm still re-blog-acclimating. That's my story today anyway.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
25 comments:
Oh Brenda.
I hear you so much on this.
A few weeks ago I was in agony over my Dad, and the fact that he wasn't who he used to be (since having a stroke). And I was reading a great book on stroke recovery and it encouraged family members of stroke victims to love the person for who they are, not who they used to be or who you thought they were going to be.
If only we could apply that to ourselves...just love ourselves for who we are right now, infertile or not, and not love the person we *thought* we were going to be.
It's tough. I know. I wish I could give you a hug in person.
If wishes could make dreams come true, I know you would have realized yours a long time ago because of your wishes, my wishes, and the wishes from the blogosphere for you. I hope the days get easier. {{hugs}}
The little effers in your head sound like the little effers in mine ;) You sound so much better B. All you can do is make the best of what life is at this moment. I'm glad to hear that you're going to therapy. I've found so much comfort in just the validation that therapists can give. We are not crazy, even though we feel like it sometimes. :)
By the way, I hate Disneyland with a freaking passion. Last time I was there is was teeming with pregnant women. Ugh...it gives me the willies just thinking about it. ;)
I hate that internal critic. So glad you told her to f-off.
The whole grieving process is brutal. I know there is no easy way out. I just wish I could have offered you more support. HUGE HUGS!!!
I gots no wisdom for ya B. Just a listening ear... or I mean eye.
I love the Battle of the Effers with them ultimately canceling each other out and (hopefully) giving you some peace.
As I read your words, I feel the struggle you have been going through and I can understand those feelings on a smaller scale myself when a treatment cycle fails...denial, anger, sadness, wanting to stay home and call in sick and then not giving a shit. Goddamn IF.
Again, I'm really glad you're back in Blogland. Just know you have so many IF allies on your side.
ps - I physically shuddered when I read the word "Disneyland". The Happiest Place on Earth, my ass.
The 7th dimension of infertile hell....HA! The dialog is endless...no matter if we are in a litte bit different places right now. Endless. I think we all have that self-pitying/ruthless fighter sides of ourselves...and sometimes it's just a matter of waiting quietly until they settle things amongst themselves. (Or getting myself commited for multiple personalities.
It has been so so good to hear from you lately. (I was waiting to sit down and write you back an e-mail...which I'll get to this week).
Take your time re-blog-acclimating....looks like you're doing just fine at that to me.
;-)
Oh gosh! that internal dialogue is painful..and I hear you. You've written it so well again cuz I will never forget those dialogues.
(((hugs)))
ps I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Big hugs, hun. BIG BIG HUGS. *not letting go*
I am so glad you found a way to give yourself permission to cope with this in your own way. Infertility is a massive loss, and eventhough you can always find people who have it "worse", that doesn't make your pain any less real. You deserve to feel every bit of the sadness, anger, and denial you have been cycling through.
Actually, that is not far from what I envisioned going on. I've had some of that dialogue in my head after failed cycles, so given where you are right now, it sounds pretty "normal" to me. I'm glad you decided to give up beating up on yourself over how you "should" be behaving and what you "should" be doing. Be yourself, do what you can...and we will be here for it. I'm glad you are rejoining. We missed you.
I hope that writing will help you lie those demons to rest (or ensure the effers keep schtum).
OMG Brenda! Disneyland? That does sound like pure hell.
I can't imagine how hard this must all be. I'm so glad you're blogging again though. The IF blogosphere is full of support. You've been here for all of us and we will be here for you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this brutal, heart-wrenching process B! I got a taste of it when I thought I was done and it was so painful I was like screw that, I'll cycle again before I'll stick around in that place. But sadly, we can't cycle forever and at some point, enough is enough and we just have to face the process and get through it so we can move forward with our life. I really hope things work out for you in some way, some form. Sending you lots of love my friend.
I'm glad you wrote another post, B. I've been thinking about you and hoping that you're doing okay. I, too, am glad that you are seeing the therapist with M. It sounds like she's a good fit for what you are dealing with. Learning to live with where you are now - that's not the easiest thing to do. I hope it gets easier each day, though. I'm always here for you.
Grief and the internal monologue (or in your case and mine as well, dialogue)is maddening and I'm so sorry you've had to live through it. But on the other hand, I'm so happy to see that that constant internal chatter is dying down and that you feel like you're getting to a more peaceful place. It is a hardwon place you're in, that's for freaking sure.
You are so strong. I hope continued healing for you and look forward to seeing your 'face' back on the blogosphere!
I am so glad that you have freed yourself from comparisons and expectations and that you told that stupid, mean voice to buzz off :) I am truly amazed with what you have endured and how you have become stronger because of it. I honestly wish that you hadn't had to take this path, but I know in the end you will achieve your goals and reach that ultimate destination because you have the courage and strength to make it happen!
Hugs to you!!
Danielle
(blogger changed my profile name from dryan to D when I was making some updates. Just FYI :) )
B, I'm wrapping you up in the biggest virtual hug right now.
You have every right to be angry as hell at the cards life has dealt you. It sounds like you're taking some good steps forward to start making sense of life again, slow and (un)steady as they may be. Take this at your own pace! We will ALWAYS be here for you, no matter what.
And thank you so much for the thoughtful comment you left on my blog. It means a lot to me that you took the time to catch up on my blogging madness. =)
*HUGS* to you, my sweet friend.
Brenda - I am so sorry that you are having to face this. I loveyou and pray for you.
This space is for you. Take all the time you need.
I have been thinking of you. Your voice has been greatly missed in the blogosphere. I am so sorry you are going through this and it sounds like things have been especially tough. You are working on all the hard stuff - you are such a figher. I am in awe of your strength!
That internal dialog sounds very familiar. Be easy on yourself.
I'm so glad (selfishly) to see you back posting. Sounds like it's been a rough few months, but I know that we can all relate to what you've been going through. It definitely is something that we all have to battle through. I think laying down the sword after the battle is probably the toughest thing to do because we are so used to the fighting, the struggle.
You got that internal dialogue spot on. Even a year later, those little effers in my head make themselves heard again every once in a while, usually when I see someone on their second and I know they started trying for their first when we did. It takes less work to quiet the effers back down though.
I'm so glad to see you back.
That is a frighteningly accurate portrayal of the internal dialogue. I felt like I was living in my own head there. **shiver**
Sorry to hear what an AWFUL few months it has been. I've got to konw... how did you get dragged to Disneyland? Am guessing it wasn't your idea...
Brenda-
Glad to see you are back to the blogosphere! Thanks for checking in on me, that was super nice of you! You take your time with "getting over" this! I can't imagine how you are feeling with all you've been thru. We are here for you!
Welcome back, Brenda! I'm so proud of you and all you have encountered to get to the place where you can make a decision to post here again. I'm thankful you are back and am (still) here to support you and love you!
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