I have so much I want to say, but am struggling to find the right words to get it all out. I have written many blog posts in the past few days only to walk away without publishing any of them. They don't fully make sense yet which I guess is a very accurate account of my thoughts lately.
I want so much to just move forward and take the next step in this journey, but it seems I am stuck. Exhausted, defeated, and stuck. There are no more RE's to see, no more protocols to try, no more special alternative hopeful conception methods to suffer through. We are finished with trying to get pregnant and most days it is still too much to fully grasp and make sense of.
I read pregnancy announcements and think, "Yes, it worked for her!!" and then find myself just sobbing uncontrollably as I remember that we really are done. It was different when we had another cycle on the horizon, another trick up our sleeve, a shred of hope left somewhere that it could still happen for us. Announcements were still hard then, but I knew we at least had a chance yet for our own.
The reality that pregnancy is never going to happen for me and that we are no longer actively pursuing it is finally sinking in.
I will never be pregnant......not for 9 minutes, 9 days, or 9 months.
I will never see 2 lines on my own peestick.
I will never know what it feels like in those first few moments of realizing there is another life inside my body.
I will never watch my body change in amazement as life grows within.
I will never share that giddy "secret" excitement with M before we tell our family and friends.
I will never feel morning sickness or food cravings or pregnancy hormone swings.
I will never get to use any of the cute ideas I have been collecting over the years to tell M or our families that I am pregnant.
I will never get to see M's reaction when he finds out I am carrying his child.
I will never understand what flutters or hiccups or baby kicks in the ribs feel like.
I will never take belly pictures or pregnancy photos with M.
I will never have those months to bond with our baby where it really is only the 2 of us as one.
I will never know what a contraction feels like.
I will never compare and share pregnancy stories with my mom/grandma/aunts/SILs.
I will never wear maternity clothes.
I will never watch M rub or talk to our baby inside my belly.
I will never experience labor or give birth.
I will never have a stranger or acquaintance ask about our baby or how I am feeling because they can physically see that I am expecting.
I will never have a baby shower.
I will never get to experience breastfeeding my child.
I will never get to look for my husband or me in our child's face.
I will never have a "When I was pregnant......." story.
For these things I will grieve. They are my losses. Not concrete or physical losses. Not losses that I can even fully understand or express or capture. And these are only a few of the things I know I am losing. It's all those feelings and indescribable parts of pregnancy and childbirth that you can only know through experience that I am not sure how to begin to grieve.
The loss of sharing a genetic link with our child or being able to carry my husband's child unveils a whole new layer of grief and guilt that I'm not sure what to do with yet. Maybe another day......
At times I think I want someone to somehow encapsulate their pregnancy experience for me and share the smallest of the smallest details so I can really know what I am missing and grieve it all.
Most times though I never want to hear about any part of pregnancy. It's too hard. It hurts too much. As happy as I am for anyone else, my own experience is so grief-filled and I don't want to know anymore about what I am missing than I already do - the good, the bad, and everything in between.
It's an awkward place to be, wanting to support your friends who are planning special mother's day luncheons for their moms while they support you as you plan your own mother's funeral. Morbid analogy, maybe? Now, you see why most of my crap doesn't get published. It just doesn't fully make sense. It's just where I am I guess and my craptastic way of apologizing if I can't join in on pregnancy updates and baby happenings right now.
I don't know. It's not a place I want to stay, but I'm not ready to dive into a whole new world of family building just yet. It has been full speed ahead for many years with "let's get pregnant. let's get pregnant. let's get pregnant."
We hit a brick wall and need some time to regroup before starting on a new path. We aren't researching or reading or actively seeking any information yet. We really just need to breathe for a bit, to grieve and feel our losses, to just find "us" again without all the appointments and paperwork and baby focus.
I know our next path won't be an easy one either and there will likely not be a baby in our home for a couple years or more. Word on the street is that they aren't just handing babies out to the next available infertile who asks. Who knew?!? If I stop for a minute and listen really closely though, I can sometimes hear it......."let's become parents. let's become parents. let's become parents."
Fuck, this stuff is hard.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
48 comments:
This is really hard, it fucking is, it is unbearably, unspeakably hard. Thank you for sharing this process, for letting me/us get a glimpse, and I just hope that writing at least helps start this journey of processing, just being with it, feeling and feeling. I am with you from afar.
I am so sorry. Sorry you have to go through this..mostly! Sorry you can't have what you want/deserve. Thank you for sharing your journey with us bloggers.
This is such a horrible feeling. I know it. It makes me want to run away to a land where only people who don't have kids live so we never have to see pregnant woman or read about celebrities getting pregnant or be asked "How old are your kids?". I know, we are still on this journey, but hope slowly starts to fade and I know what it feels like. Though, I still am fighting forward each day and I still have a small, little glimmer of hope...but then, on other days, I am terrified that my body just won't hold the pregnancy anyway. Argh. I hate that any of us have to go through this. I know you need time off...to remember who you are (without all this IF - no meds, no RE's, etc). I know it must be hard to do - I can't do it even though I promised DH I would during this forced break in waiting for results. I wish I could be that light hearted, funny person from our years before IF again...So, you are a few steps ahead of me on this...and I am so sorry you have to go through it.
By the way, bitch all you want. Scream. Curse. I don't think any of us will hold it against you at all. And, if you feel like posting something that doesn't makes sense, as long as you don't regret it, post it. It may make you feel better (oh, who am I kidding...you won't feel better, but maybe you will release some of it).
I'm really sorry Brenda. I am grieving these losses right along with you. Wishing we lived close by each other...I'd wrap you right up with a real hug (not that it would fix anything). Here's a virtual one.
Sending you a GIANT hug B...
This stuff is so hard and so unfair - I think you are so wise to take this break from it all and grieve. Many hugs.
It really is harder than anyone could ever imagine.
Take your time and figure out what feels right for you and your husband. No matter where your journey may take you. We'll all be here to support you.
Sending you peace!
I know you don't think your post makes sense but it totally does to other IFs. I get it and it SUCKS and is the hardest thing to have to deal with. I don't know the way forward yet either and I am just a few weeks behind you in my "hail mary" cycle at CCRM as well. I think you're so right about having to grieve all of those things you listed in your blog...they are real things to us that we have to give up and grieve along the way or else we'll go crazy. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Oh sweetie - I am soooooo sooo sorry to hear all this. You can complain and bitch and whatever else to us all you want - we understand! We are here for you to listen if you feel like it and if you dont we understand that as well.
Those are very real losses and your grief is profound. Please don't ever apologize to us - we are hear, listening & supporting you.
Thinking of you and wishing I could take all this pain away...
I really wish I could say Never Say Never. I really do. It's such an irritating phrase. And it would be so wonderful to believe it.
I am truly sorry. I hope peace befalls you sooner rather than later. I know right now you cannot see that light, but it is there for you.
Don't apologize. You must own that grief. Fuel it into strength for the road ahead.
I hate this for you SO MUCH. I feel your sorrow and your grief so accutely--I wish there was something I could do to lessen the hurt. I'll be holding you and M in my thoughts.
oh Brenda. You are on top of the list of the ladies that I thought about when I posted my positive.
My heart aches for you and I cry for you a lot. It is just so unfair.
I wish I could take away your pain. ((big hug))
Oh B, this just sucks. I so get where you're at - well not 100% cos we not done yet but i know how empty this feels.
I'm so sorry.
Love you!
xxx
I want nothing more than to comfort you and that you feel better. Of course, that may not be possible right now, but I hope that peace comes soon. I also grieve for your loss. Many hugs.
It isn't fair. It hasn't been and it won't be and nothing will change that. We are the generation of women raised to believe you can do anything, be anything, have anything if only you put your mind to it. And it's true so much of the time that it sucks even more when it isn't.
I'm so, so sorry that it has to be so hard.
So very, very sorry.
I know intellectually that for me to be free of pain I am supposed to 'accept' that which I am finding 'unacceptable', but what if something IS unacceptable????
WTF???
I have this list as well and the only thing that has made me even willing to accept it is the possibilty that my child might come through my gc R.
I still have to come to terms with these mindbogglingly painful realizations along with you.
Lets scream together along the way.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
The grief of a dream unfulfilled is a deep and life-altering. The unfairness, the sting - all so overwhelming. Sending lots of love your way.
Man, this shit does suck and how! No one can understand how bad unless they have experienced it. No good trying to explain to someone who has not deat with IF, they will never get it and thats why we're here and we love ya!
You know what Brenda, where ever your next path leads you, you will find peace. I just know it. You are wise to take a break and have some you/dh time.
Thanks for being so strong, even if you don't feel like it, and insightful and caring to all of us- you are indeed of the strongest I have met online. xoxoxoxox
I'm so sorry.
There is nothing else I can say.
I am so sorry. I get what you are feeling. Its a terrible place to be - between complete rage and complete meltdown. Some days I don't know which end is up.
I wish you peace. I'm here when you need me.
What more can I say that hasn't been said - very beautifully - by the other ladies already.
Your journey will end with YOUR baby in your arms and I'm only sorry it wasn't happening right now - 'cause you certainly deserve it.
Oh, Brenda. I hate this for you! I completely relate to your feelings. I was prepared to post the same feelings and thoughts if my last cycle failed. I was prepared to call it quits.
Unfortunately, this is something you have to work through and I hope you find some comfort in all of your on-line friends that love and care about you.
Just keep on expressing your feelings - we're listening!
I'm glad you are still posting your thoughts and feelings. We are always hear to listen and support you as you have done so many others.
Hugs.
It is so very hard. Some days, I'll think I'm doing OK and then something will happen and the hurt will wash over me like a wave all over again. But there are fewer and fewer of those days. I hope that gives you some comfort. I wish I had more to offer, some magic cure for all of this pain.
Even moving forward isn't going to make the pain of all those "nevers" go away. It will simply open new possibilities. Even as we're moving through the adoption process, I sometimes still feel the need to mourn and rage and cry for what DH and I won't get to experience together. I'm excited about what's ahead, but what isn't ahead still stings like a bastard. The experiences are intertwined but separate.
I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this, too. I'm sending you many, many virtual hugs.
It's all already been said. I cannot even imagine what you are going through...I'm so sorry you're hurting.
Karen said what I was going to write: "I sometimes still feel the need to mourn and rage and cry for what DH and I won't get to experience together." Here it is 7 months after our last IVF, and I still feel that way sometimes. I don't know that it ever goes away; I'm thinking maybe it just lessens. At least I hope it does. I'm here for you, Brenda. You need to take as much time as you need to mourn and be sad. Wishing I could give you a huge hug right now.
You said it girl this $hit is f*cking unbearably hard most days. I have been feeling your pain all day since I read your blog post. I am so mad and sad for you, for Lisa at Sticks and Stones, for Mrs. Duck, and for Mo/Will. Although I can not relate to all of those things you will never get to experience, I can relate to the grieving process you are going to on a different level. It's not fair that we have to grieve any losses. This pain you are going through may be unimaginable to fertiles, but I know that it cuts deep and to the core. I don't have any profound words of wisdom, but rather just want you to know that I will walk with you through your grief. I will be their by your side to support you on whatever path you decide to take next. I'm always thinking of you, dear Brenda.
Oh B. First, it's good to "hear" from you. Second, please don't apologize for needing and space away from painful stimuli. Third, time is all we have. Contrary to the popular myth, it does not heal all wounds. But it does help them scab over. And they hurt less then. Even when the wound is so horrible, awful bad that there is a scar left forever, remembering the case of the scare doesn't bring back the same intensity of pain that existed it was created. That said, no one ever expects a person not to cry when they are inflicted with a wound that causes a scar.
I wish so much that there were something I could do to fix this for you. Or at least something I could say to make you feel better. But I don't. Despite the fact that I've been on the IF hamster wheel for 3.5 years, in all this time, I've never come up to this precipice and seen the view you are now beholding. I can't pretend to understand how you are feeling. I can't pretend to know you pain. Or sadness. Or even anger. That almost makes me feel like a fraud of a friend. I'm sorry you have come to such a difficult place. I'm sorry this can't be easier.
I am thinking of you. I want to wrap by arms around you and squeeze you tight. I wish I had some advice or something insightful to say, but I am just so sorry. This is so unfair.
Your list made me cry. I can see where Wendy and Karen are at, but I'm not there yet. I haven't been through nearly as much as you have (with all of the IVF cycles), but I literally felt like I couldn't breath for weeks after we hit that point of "It's just not going to happen." It felt like the world was crashing down on top of me, and I was going to break into a million pieces.
I know I can't do anything to fix this, but I'm here to walk through it with you.
(hugs)
These are all losses that need to be grieved. I have been through it too, believe it or not. When I was first told that my eggs were toast, I grieved all these losses you speak of.
It makes sense that you are not pursuing anything else right now. When you are grieving, you really can't do anything else. Honor your process. There is wisdom in it all.
Kick that guilt to the gutter, as you once told me. It's got no place here right now. Family is where the heart is, not in DNA.
Sending huge hugs to carry you through!!!
My heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are in such pain. Completely understandable, though. Just know I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))
All I can say is: me, too. And I'm so sorry.
Lots of hugs your way. I am so frustrated at how unfair things are, but I feel guilty even saying that because I can't even begin to say that I know how you must feel. I just know that my heart aches for you...you have been such a good support for me along the way. I just wish I could say something that would be half of good support to you. Just know I think of you often, I worry about you constantly, and I always have you in my prayers...((Hugs))
Hope you don't mind me keeping you in my prayers...it's my own little way of feeling like I have some imput in this crazy universe...whether in actuality I do or not :-)
Wow. I so identify with the things you're saying. We haven't gone to IVF yet, but don't know if we ever financially can, and quite frankly, who knows if it would even work. I feel these things even though I do still have that one last thing (IVF) in my pocket as a "maybe."
Thinking of you.
hugs - I understand...
I'm so sorry :(
Thank you so much for sharing your innermost thoughts as you work through this grieving stage. Your words are very powerful, and I feel your pain closely. I wish collectively we could all take a little bit away to ease your heartache.
Your plan to just breathe for a bit, to grieve and feel your losses, to just find yourself again sounds like just the thing.
...and that little whisper "let's become parents" CAN absolutely happen for you.
I hope this comes across the right way...I want to send some more little whispers that (when the time is right) can grow louder...
You will be parents someday
You will have a family someday
You will be okay and have much joy, laughter and light
Because you are absolutely wonderful and you will make the best parents when that time comes.
I've typed my comment so many times, only to remove it. I want, I want, I want to go through this screen and give you a hug. I wish I could say that things will be ok. They will be, in time, but for now, I know that it can't be easy for you and M.
I hope the car sign that I made for you is still above your computer. It says, When the world says "give up", hope whispers "try one more time". Tho' I'm far far away, I'm whispering that hope for you, every fucking day.
Huge hugs, B.
xoxo.
B, again, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know where you're at and it sucks. It breaks my heart to read your post. Always thinking of you.
Thank you for coming back. I missed you because you always speak out how I am feeling and it is good to realise that we IF's are not alone. I would love to send you some virtual strength, clarity and support. We all know that there isn't anything we can do to make this journey any easier but hopefully it will help you just to know that you are not alone with your feelings and thoughts!
I have made my own "I will never..." list and it's just like yours. I could have written this post myself.
Many, many ((HUGS)) from someone who knows just how you feel.
All the things you wrote scare me the most. I'm scared that I'll never get over it. It hurts so much. I still have hope but these thoughts are always there, especially when reality kicks in. Im a newby blogger - and im glad i found yours. Thanks for being so honest.
life is so twistedly ironic, I have been going through this god awful torturous trip on and off for ten years. I am totally there with you girl. I so often find myself wondering what I have done to deserve this, what have I done that god has determined I am so undeserving? I hate myself and my body. Soemtimes I think it wouldn't hurt so much if Ihadn't had a child and put her up for adoption when I was younger. But hang in there, do the best you can, right now I wish I could say that I was doing as well as you. I really don't think I can bear this much longer.
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