A very insightful friend once wrote on her blog that I was "the kind of kind soul that's apt to suffer quietly if we let her". This is very much where I want to go right now - back to my old safe place where this hurt is numbed in my own silent ways, an escape from this new reality we must learn to live.
It is because of all of the supportive women in this blogosphere that I likely won't though. This is where I find the comfort of people who have been there, who understand, who are willing to "go there" with me no matter how dark and ugly it gets. When I look through all the comments (which I have read multiple times), emails, text messages, and blog posts I know how lucky I am to not only "know" but be supported by the strongest and most compassionate women on this planet. I feel humbled, blessed, and am grateful beyond words..........
I think I have come a long way as far as learning to "let it out", but I know there are so many just like me who have and continue to suffer quietly because they don't have an outlet or know where to turn.
There is a new fertility related website which launched today. It was started by "one of us" because she became frustrated with the information available to her on the web. The site is called Fertility Authority and the goal is "to be the source for women (and their partners) who are undergoing/considering fertility treatments - from diagnosis to resolution. It has a major medical/scientific component (doctor and nurse advice, info about medications, fertility news, finding the right doctor, financial planning, etc.) as well as a big community focus (message boards, blogs, etc.)."
I am going to be one of their bloggers (along with some other likely very familiar faces) and hope you will stop by to say 'hi' and poke around a bit into all the nooks and crannies and then tell them what you think. As you will read in my first post there, you all were my inspiration for agreeing to be a part of this new community and putting our story "out there". I'm not sure my voice is one too many people want to hear right now as I meander through this slow speed come apart, but I hope that it will bring other people from that dark and lonely place that is all so familiar in the world of IF. As we all know, this journey is much easier spent with those who "get it".
While the timing of the site launch is not ideal for me (just coming days after learning that our "closure" cycle was a flop), it is one of those things that I know will help to keep me going, help to keep me exploring my feelings, and help to keep me researching new options on our quest to parenthood. Today it kept me from retreating to my bed much too early in the evening which in and of itself is a big accomplishment right now.
I had really hoped to do this "announcement" with lots of enthusiasm and exclamation points because I am very excited that this site is finally getting off the ground and that I am going to be a part of it. I'm hoping to do a better job soon when my emotions are less raw, heart less heavy, thoughts less cloudy. Please do go check it out........
Fertility Authority
Fertility Authority Blogs
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
43 comments:
I've been thinking about you, especially when I got the 'launch' e-mail this morning. I was thinking how hard it must be to be 'starting' that project, while just coming off the throes of this cycle.
I'm glad I 'met' you, and just knowing that you have 'gone there' and survived, no matter how raw survival might feel right now, still helps me to know that I can face and survive anything that comes my way.
You still have a 'journey' ahead of you...and I look forward to being a part of it too.
What a gorgeous site! I'm so glad you're blogging there because now there are TWO places I can stalk you. ;-)
Seriously, it's wonderful to hear you and to know that you're moving forward, through all this stuff. It's so very hard, but I'm glad that talking to us helps.
Sending hugs and lots of love.
I can't wait to dive into that new site! That's my plan this weekend. I really identified with the part in your FA blog that said that no matter what happens in the future, you will still be infertile.
This pain doesn't stop. It simply evolves and changes over time, but it doesn't go away. You are a voice of reason in the IF bloggy world and I think you're going to be an asset to FA, as you've been to so many other "friends" out there in cyber space, including myself.
Just wanted to thankyou for the link to the FA site. Was great to find a site with lots of information.
I completely understand your lack of enthusiasm but want to thank you for contributing further to the online world of IF, letting more women know they are not alone. It is invaluable and while others have helped you get along in this journey, never forget what you have given to others and continue to give. Thank you!
Thinking of you. **hugs**
I wondered how you would feel about the launch coinciding with such a miserable time for you personally.
But I'm glad you are still going with it - you have so much insight that I'm sure will help many other women.
Take care and I look forward to reading more of your posts over there too (finally).
Thank you for sharing the information about the new site - there definitely needs to be more information out there for people going through IF and this website sounds great. Must check it out when I get home. As for you - it takes a lot of courage and strength to get up in the AM and continue on after suffering such a huge disappointment, to make the decision to get out of bed and do something. Even something that seems so innocuous and small as agreeing to share you story and blogging about it can make such a difference to the many, many others out there whose lives you will touch. Hugs - I've been thinking about you.
What a great site Brenda - I am so proud of you for joining the blog group and going 'public', you are such a talented writer and I know you will help so many more people! Reading your first post made me sad because I could feel the tone of optimism for your closure cycle that was yet to start. I hope in time you can feel that optimism again for the next part of your journey. Hugs.
ps. nothing 'positive' on this end yet, and already thinking of the next step :(
Thanks so much for finding the courage to post again.
I have been thinking of you and know that it is not an easy time, but by you posting on your blog/on FA it is again a demonstration of your strength and selfless nature.
Your story will continue to help so many, including me-Thanks.
The site is great - you must feel proud to be a part of it.
Thinking of you daily...HUGS
none of us can take your hurt away...but just know we are walking with you as best we can from where we stand...supporting you, encouraging you...feel free to yell and scream at us too.
the site sounds awesome and i cant wait to go check it out...
hang in there dear friend. lots of hugs coming your way...
I'm so glad you posted! I have been thinking about you and hoping you're doing ok. I know you like a little time to yourself with things, so wanted to give you a little space.
I'm glad you know that you have a safe place to vent to your heart's content. We're all here for you.
That website looks pretty interesting. I'll definitely have to check it out.
Any site that has you and Murgdan on staff as bloggers has to be worth checking out! But yeah...the timing of this exciting debut has to be tough. Though you'll always be IF, it would have been nice to have been writing from the successful-treatment side of things. (I realize just what an understatement "would have been nice" is...). Thanks for continuing to include us in your life as you decide what comes next.
I love love love the site, B!!! Anywhere you go, I will follow you.. :) It's gonna be a great informative tool for a lot of IFers.
I know this isn't the easiest of times but I just wanted to say that you and M have a lot of us loving you guys and cheering you on. No matter where, or how long/short your next journey takes ya, we're all here for you..and you can betcha that I'll in this with ya all the way.
Love ya, always.
(((((hugs)))))
Once again, you continue to amaze me. Even in the throes of such pain, you get back up and extend yourself to others. Lack of enthusiasm or not, it's a challenge I could not even DREAM of pursuing in this mental state.
As I go through my day, I often stop and look at the clock, wondering how my girl Brenda is holding up. I can commiserate with the silent suffering and the need to "appear well and whole." The world seems to turn with or without us. And amongst the happy people who are truly the winners of life's lottery, we must find a way to keep living.
Even on your worst days, know that you inspire me... so much more than you know.
We love ya!
E
That is so cool (both the site and your role in it). But hard. I know it must be so so hard to start something (anything) right now, but I hope it has a good effect on you. I do understand your initial impulse. I tend to go hide under a rock when things are hard...and I think it does end up pushing people away. Except on our blogs. It is incredible to have a group of women who don't shy away from all the pain and suffering we express. Just amazing.
I will head over to the site when i get home and can't wait to check it out.
I just spent a couple of hours on the new site, very nice! I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there. Others struggling will appreciate your personal, detailed, informed posts. I've been thinking of you a lot lately, hoping that you are ok. Hugs!
I love this new site. I also love the fact that you are blogging there. As I've said before, you are always a constant source of support, even when you are hurting.
B, sorry, i haven't replied to your email! i've just replied.. please check whenever you have time.
hugs.
P.
Brenda,
Your first post was very beautiful. Your optimism & hope for the future is truly inspiring. The temperance you displayed (regarding the outcome) can only be appreciated by those who have walked through the valley of deep despair and disappointment as you have.
I never doubted your strength.
This is the third time I'm using this quotation, and it's because when I think of you, this quote and the one I wrote last night always come to mind.
"Strength is born in the deep silence of long suffering hearts; not amid joy."
(I would have very much preferred a joyous heart though :o) ).
Continue to be strong and inspire dear Brenda. I'm very thankful to have met you through these pages.
*hugs*
Anna
I couldn't be prouder of you, Brenda. You are such a talented writer and even more people will find that out on the new website. I know all of this has been so hard. I hope that writing about it there, too, will help you as you go through it.
Thinking about you and M.
BYW, wanted to alert you that I tagged you in my post today. (only if you feel like continuing it).
Brenda, you are so strong. In your darkest hours, you continue to give back to others and inspire hope in those around you...you are honest, but not pessimistic...
I look forward to following you here and on your new blog on your journey to parenthood...and wherever the road takes you. Many many hugs to you. The timing of everything is horrible- but yet, you manage to keep going. you inspire me!
I just left you a comment on your new venture. I think one of the main points of you contributing is that it's YOUR voice in whatever state you're in. Your readers will appreciate you being your entire self. If that means your next posts are missing the optimism you wish you had, so be it.
This road we're all on is full of different twists and turns--all ending up in tears either way: joy or sorrow. I think the best autobiographical writing comes from authors who fearlessly eviscerate their emotions. And you've clearly demonstrated your bravery in that arena.
Hang in there. You've created an amazing circle of support.
Brenda, your first post was wonderful (as usual). Thank you for being a voice to help educate, share and "get" IF issues.
I am glad you are choosing not to retreat during this hard time and are keeping yourself open however difficult.
We are all here for you.
Love and light.
I'm glad to see you are back and not withdrawing. It takes a lot of courage to pick yourself up and put yourself out there with your raw, vulnerable heart. That's where the great work comes from. I'll check out the new site when I get a chance. I'm a bit distracted with my own drama right now ;)
P.S. Hope you kicked your cheetoes habit!
I actually found your first blog post on that website a week or three ago and wondered why you had never mentioned it on your blog...
I'm glad that you're reaching out to people who can comfort you. I know that in some ways, keeping it inside is easier because you can, at times, pretend it doesn't exist. But it's still there. And if you don't acknowledge it then you can't process it; you can't heal.
I once heard something very interesting by a caller on a radio show. She talked about our society is so into talking about how people "grow" from difficult experiences. Basically, whitewashing tragic experiences with positive spin. I can't even remember what horrible thing this woman had gone through but she said that it had DAMAGED her. Yes she got through it. Yes she is going on with her life. But she will never FULLY recover from this. The host of the show had a very interesting (and unexpected) response. He said that, just because we "grow" from an experience does not make it "positive". Just because we adapt and continue to live, doesn't mean we're better off for having gone through the adversity. Sometimes people are NOT "better off" just because they learned and "grew" and got through a bona fide horrible situation. And society can best honor these individuals' pain by acknowledging that they've gone through something terrible and awful that they would have undoubtedly been better off without.
I'm sorry. This is unfair.
Well done with the FA site. Looks great.
Sure that many will benefit from your input.
Hope the heart heals very soon. In the meantime, we'll be listening.
((Hugs))
I have a snow day today and can't wait to check out the new site!
You are giving strength to countless women through your honesty with this hellish IF diagnosis with which we all struggle...I hope you find some comfort in that and in knowing that women you've never met in person are touched deeply by your story and are thinking of you.
Okay, look at you...all fancy and published.
As soon as my browser is upgraded, I will check it out.
So, I guess this is part of "what is next."
Okay, look at you...all fancy and published.
As soon as my browser is upgraded, I will check it out.
So, I guess this is part of "what is next."
Brenda-you are in my continued thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you have decided to share your experiences on Fertility Authority. You've been such an inspiration to so many people in our blogosphere!
Wow, what a great site! How wonderful that you can be a part of something like that.
Just been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. Hope you are holding steady. You and your hubby are in my thoughts.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today.
((((hugs))))
Looks like a wonderful sight and I know you'll be a great contributor.
I have been thinking about you. Hope you are doing okay.
I've been thinking about you...hope you are doing okay.
Hugs...
Just wanted to reach out and say I'm thinking aboutcha... (((hugs)))
Thanks so much for being part of this new site looks awesome! You know I have been thinking of you and wishing comfort for u Brenda. Just know that you are so strong and have encouraged so many of us with your honesty, loving words and brilliant writings. I look forward to your blog on this new site too, i am adding link now to my sidebar. xoxoxoxo
:-X <--- That's an Internet kiss.
It's an 100% germ-free way to say I'm thinking about you.
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you today. ((hugs))
Okay...so...things suck right now, but I am requesting a proof of life from you either by post on your blog or a venting comment on my blog...or you can send me an email at lazyhighhock@gmail.com.
Either way, know that I am thinking of you and missing you...
Oh, and you are not allowed to just disappear never to be heard from again...just so you know...I will hunt you down...
Thinking of you and hoping you are okay.
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