the last 2ww

I have refused to enter my last couple cycles into Fer.tility Fri.end. It's not like I am charting anyway (or that place is really even my friend), but this has still been my place to keep record of cd1 every month. When I noticed in January that my period tracking endeavors in FF would span the years 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009 without one single positive pee stick to input, I decided to just leave my December 9, 2008 cycle as the last of my series. Somehow it just made me feel a little less loserish to end it there. Yes, I realize it doesn't change anything, but my outward openness of underlying "issues" coupled with the fact that I never promised to be fully balanced at any time during this blog should be explanation enough.

It's hard to believe that this is officially our last 2ww.

The End.

Game Over.

Thanks for Playing.

Since we have started this hope-to-make-a-baby journey, we have had ~46 of these 2 week tortures (give or take a few as it really is easy to lose count after the first couple dozen - and I'm too lazy to go look it up right now) over the last 43 months.

That, my friends, is a whole lot of waiting. Every one has ended with disappointment so while I am trying so hard to hold onto hope that this last one will be the one, to say I have been conditioned for failure should not come as a huge surprise. I mean really, if 45 consecutive coin tosses have come up heads, most rational people would bet their money on heads even though they know coin toss number 46 still has a 50% chance to go either way. It's just human nature............

Those of you who have been through the IVF ringer know that these cycles hold their own special 2weeks in hell. The stakes are higher, the cost is greater, and so much more is invested. It wasn't just another month of some good old fashioned sex. This is one really fucked up emotional and physically invested process. This is the end of the road when it comes to ART. There is no, "Well, if IVF doesn't work then we'll try procedure xyz."

I think the hardest part of the IVF 2ww is that I know they are in there. No questions about timing or wondering if I ovulated or questioning if the egg was fertilized and began the cell-division DNA Combo Mambo.
I know all of this has happened. We saw our 3 embryos just before they were put back. Our beautiful little embryos who we already have fallen in love with and have high hopes for. They are real. Part M and part me. They were alive and growing when we last saw them. We are just waiting now to see if one will have us.
For the most part I am remaining hopeful, almost too hopeful. I am fighting hard to not let myself go to "that place" yet.....the one where we really are completely done with all of this ART madness. It is not easy and there are nights where I lie in bed hours after M has fallen asleep and just let the tears roll. It really is too much to fully process.
I know many of you have been in this same place before and it is through you that I know no matter what the result turns out to be on Friday, life will keep moving forward and we will find a way to roll with it.
For those of you who have been around for my other cycles, you might remember that I am not an early tester. For those of you who are new to this with me, well I am damn near stone-cold terrified of those stupid peesticks. The little fuckers with that blaring white space where a second line should be. Hate them and will not be using them once again.
There are also no symptoms to obsess over. All of the "normal" pregnancy symptoms are also side effects of the progesterone supplement. No need to make myself crazy over these. BTDT and have the t-shirt, mug, and therapy bill to prove it.
Beta is on Friday. Please, please, please let this work.