Heart: Hmmm, we've been a little nauseous...
Head: Eating ice cream before noon will do that.
Heart: Yeah, but our boobs are also kinda tender...
Head: Yes, they sometimes are right before SHE comes to visit.
Heart: But what about this pimply hormonal teenage boy looking face?
Head: DHEA, my friend. What do you expect when we mess with hormones?
Heart: Why can't we be that girl? The girl who gets a surprise pregnancy just before her last chance IVF cycle?
Head: Really? Every time? Do I seriously need to go through all this again?
Heart: But, why not us?
Head: Sigh.......
Yup, 3 1/2 years of this shit and these are still the crazy feelings I harbor. How is it possible for my heart to be so damn slow. My head knows better. He gets that this is not a reality, but my heart. Well, my heart is just so stuck, so insanely stubborn, and so sure that this can still happen on it's own. That it can happen at all. Stupid heart still believes in miracles.
There will be no need to test. I already have that pre-AF monthly headache and endo burn going on so I know she will be here soon. And I will get pissed off all over again. Pissed off that I still have these feelings, even if for a brief moment.
Stupid heart. She deserves to be broken with feelings like this, yet without her I guess I would have given up long ago.
Just start already so we can get this dildocam party started.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
35 comments:
Oh! I so feel your pain. I am right in the 2 WW and those EXACT kind of thoughts are running through my head...even as I start to pre-AF spot, I desperately grasp to try and deny the inevitable. My heart must be slow, too.
But we still have heart! And I think we can take comfort in that...our hearts may crack and split wide open with each disappointment, but they are resilient. They continue to mend and keep hope beating on. I think you have a "strong" heart!
You're not alone, my friend. When will I let it go that I will NOT be that girl who fails four IVFs and then presto-magic gets pregnant on her own? But then again, if I do let go, what does that mean, too? That IF finally won, it finally beat me down enough to snuff out that last flicker of hope in my heart? I don't want that and I don't think you do either. But I'm sorry all the same,and wish you only the best of luck with the upcoming cycle!
My stupid heart does the same thing each month. The reality has gotten easier but I get annoyed with myself thinking that I could actually be THAT girl who miraculously winds up pregnant w/o IVF. Yeah right.
I'm right here on the sidelines cheering you on B for your upcoming IVF! May you get the results you deserve.
LOL - I'm glad I'm not the only one whose head and heart are constantly fighting.
Sorry about these hard thoughts. DAVs is right - the one good thing about stupid hope is that it means that you've still GOT hope and the IF monster has not won. Big hugs!!
Oh sweetie... I totaly know how you feel!!!
BIG FAT HUG!!!
Rebel
YES! I totally feel you. I wish just once our heart would win an argument.
((BIG HUG))
Thank you for the award!
Uggh, that constant, on-going battle between the heart and head is pure hell! I struggle with this daily too! The way I look at it as long as the heart keeps up the fight hope is still present and I know I'm doing the right thing by continuing to forge ahead. If my heart puts up the white flag, then I'll know that my head and infertily have won. I will continue to stand by your side and cheer on your heart as it continues to fight a good fight against your head! Hugs to you my friend!
I STILL wrestle with that every cycle. I wish I could just shut my heart off sometimes.
Oh, the old familiar duel. Our bodies can be a battleground of emotions. Thank god for heart, because she is where hope is held.
I feel ya, love. I've done the same, even during months when I haven't had an IUI or ess eee ecks!
Yup. True story. (Feel free to giggle 'cuz it's more than a little silly.)
Hugs to you.
"dildocam party" *snicker* that's excellent!
I had it 'up to here' with living my life in 2 week increments... it didn't help that no medicated cycle had ever worked for us. I had 2 m/c's, both on natural cycles. Talk about messing w/ my head!
I'm SO excited for this cycle. Regardless of the result, at least you'll be off the bandwagon (we hope...).
*hugs* to you...
Well, both your head and your heart seems to be in fine fettle. That spark of hope is also what gets you through another IVF cycle, and anything else life throws your way. And the ability to actually analyze it may make it seem worse now, but you'd be nowhere without it - probably still hoping a negligee and some soft lighting might do the trick...
Good luck with the dildocam!(Except of course I am still kinda hoping you can actually be That Girl this time...)
I am so with you. Why do our hearts always do this to us? In true Carrie Bradshaw form, I asked myself the day after Christmas when I started, "I wonder...is it futile to Hope?". Damn, maybe I should have named my blog "Sex and the Infertile"....
Hugs, honey.
Your heart does NOT deserve to be broken. I believe in miracles for you. It happens to everyone else; why not us?
Bring on the D-cam!!!
Love, E
OMG!! IT's me, Erin!
Did not realize I was signed in on my teacher blog!
Doh!!
E
Uh...evidently we are cycling together somehow through cyberspace...I am 100% right there with you...
Had the exact same debate this morning...
I was actually thinking about a post on this as well...the WTF is wrong with me post
I start thinking the very same thing at the end of each month...could it be? could this be our month?
All I can say is, you're not alone. I would LOVE for this to be your month. Your heart does not deserve to be broken at all. I wish it wasn't so hard.
Big hugs.
Ugg ... this post is so perfect. It's so true. I was telling someone earlier today that I feel silly when I "eat like I'm pregnant" in my tww or even in a pregnancy (that ultimately ends in m/c) b/c I feel like a fool for ever having believed that it could be for me ... I am always kicking myself, my heart for ever believing that it could happen to me.
I'm sorry you're there, I wish your heart was pleasantly surprised one day.
My Head: I have to give B a hug!
My Heart: I will give B a big, warm hug!
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
I heart you!
As you said, you cannot lose hope.....find it, dig deep, and it will keep you going ~ wishing you the best with this cycle!
I have totally been there, several times!
Even though my husband has had a vasectomy and I have personally looked at his semen though a microscope (yes, I'm a geek too) in hopes of finding any stray sperm (which there were zero), I still have the same insane hopes as you. For me, I think it's my head that plays tricks with me. My heart is just sad. At least this will be the start of something hopeful for you!
That head/heart dialog sums it all up perfectly...I remember being totally convinced that I might be pregnant the month after our BFN. I was experiencing a new type of cramping...turned out to be an ovarian cyst that was brought on by the IVF drugs. I think I blogged "this (the cyst) was the icing on our big piece of crap cake" and titled the post "BFN with a twist of a cyst" :-). I know how you feel - every month AF shows her very unwanted face, the heart gets sad. No advice how to overcome that - just your not alone.
Oh my friend, I hear you loud and clear!
The thing is without our hearts to give us hope and guide us through this journey there really is no point. Don't feel alone my heart is also slow...
HUGS
xxx
Oh, I understand how you feel! I wish you all the luck in the world with your upcoming cycle. ((big hugs))
I guess I'm not the only one who believes in miracles. Here's to our hearts winning out!
You know that it's totally hilarious that you refer to your head as a "he" and your heart as a "she". Also, I think it's interesting that I too get pre-AF headaches.
My exact thoughts as well, except I can attribute all of those symptoms to the stupid ass progesterone. I hate mind games!
i'm sorry brenda...
on way hand, i guess i am thankful you still have that hope and yet on the other, i know its incredibly frustrating to have.
thinking of you so much as you begin this cycle...
(((hugs)))
For some reason, I am just seeing these down - blogger has been slow with the blogroll updates.
We have so all been here. In fact, here I am having a text book cycle - smack in the middle ofovulation and hoping like a mad woman that my FET won't be necessary. Too bad I have a better chance of winning the lottery!
We all need hope, it's what keeps us going in the darkest times.
Thinking of you! Enjoy your little party! ;)
Thinking of you Brenda! Has the party already started? My party will be 1 week behind yours :)
Can sooo relate to this post-- foolish heart, wants to believe (even in the face of irrefutable evidence) that each month will be the one.
I'm thinking of you and praying for a great cycle.
Many prayers and here's hoping for a very positive outcome.
Anna
Seriously, I so get the madness. It's so incredibly tempting to think that maybe, just maybe, you'd catch a friggen break JUST THIS ONCE.
Haven't you paid your dues - emotionally, financially and physically?!
For the record, I hope you ARE that girl!
Alright...I'm giving that sweet "heart" of yours a big hug okay? It's a good one and just shows what a beautiful person you are. And then I'm also giving you a big thumbs up for using the phrase dildocam and making me giggle! ((hugs))
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