I would like to say that my last post pulled me out of this funkity funk, but it is still lingering and holding pretty strong. The day I posted it was the same day I took a mental health, refused to get out from under the covers, fuck you world day from work. I physically could not force myself to get out of bed that day. If it weren't for all the sick time and money I need to save to support my IVF habit, I might still be there. See, infertility is good for something. Or was it infertility that caused me to want to stay there? At any rate, the holidays are not making for happy times in my head or our home these days.
Here is my take on the making of holiday depression - infertility style. There is just something wrong with following my "100 things that make me happy post" with "101 people/things that piss me off" so I will refrain. I will still do this one number style though. Over the past couple weeks, here are my stats:
- People who have asked if we have kids, are planning to have kids, or are still trying to have kids: 7
- People who have butted in to incorrectly say that we are just working too hard to have kids right now: 2
- People who think we are buying their children $65 video games because we don't have kids and must be rich: 2
- Number of kids who are receiving $65 video games from us: 0
- Families who have invited us for holiday dinners because clearly "just the 2 of us" can't be all there is for the holidays: 2
- People who have said the holidays are really "only about the kids anyway": 3
- People I have pissed off with my lack of holiday spirit: 3
- People I have really really pissed off with my lack of holiday spirit: 1
- Times I have burst into tears for no apparent reason: ?? let's just say it's alot
- Full blown emotional ugly uncontrollable sobbing meltdowns: 3
- Number of pregnancy oohs and ahhs I have witnessed of a coworker: 10+ (and all today woo hoo!!)
- Christmases we have said "Maybe next year we will have a baby's first Christmas": 4
- Therapy sessions I normally have each week: 1
- Therapy sessions I have for this week: 2 (Thank you, Dr. R)
- People I am finished shopping for: 1
- People I need to shop, wrap, and ship gifts for: 10+
- Dollars charged to our Discover card for IVF#3: 14880
- Leaks discovered in our roof with recent rainfall: 3
- Issues discovered with house furnace: 1 (and it's a loud one)
- Warning received by Home Owners Association to get our house painted: 2nd (or maybe this is the 3rd and I've just lost count)
- Explosion arguments with M: 2 (or 1 that never resolved and still isn't resolved)
- Times I have had to decline the same fucking holiday work party because it will be crawling with pregnancy, newborns, and other rug-rats: 12 (although I really have lost count)
- Lunches I have sat through where the topic for an hour was newborns, pregnancy, carseats, diaper genies, childproofing, cord blood, daycare, fighting siblings, childcare products: 1 (seriously, isn't 1 more than enough?)
- Holiday commercials and music about children and family: just keep counting
- Number of birth announcements left on our answering machine: 1
I really don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to "snap out of it". Our house is fully decorated. I did go to a holiday party this past weekend. I did go to a holiday work luncheon today. I did find 100 things that make me happy. I'm trying. I swear I'm really trying.
33 comments:
Cripes! I'm feeling decidedly "Scrinchy" today as well especially considering that I was asked why on earth I bother with a Xmas tree at home "cos you don;t have any kids anyway"
You're doing fine Brenda, you're dealing as best you know how and you're doing fine. This time if year can be especially hard on infertiles and no-one who understands where you're coming from can say that they have not been there too.
HUGS to you!
xxx
Ok, so you're a Scrinch. You're my B Scrinch. You're you and you have been through so much already. I wish I could come over and give you a hug!!!!!!!!!
I read your stats and I know how hard it must be. I've lived through those times and holidays + infertility don't go hand in hand.
I will be praying that by the end of 2009, you will have a new list. I'm here with you ALL.THE.WAY.
Huge hugs *not letting go*
Sometimes all you can do is try...I think that's where the whole 'fake it till you make it' comes into play. Sorry you're feeling 'scrinchy'. It's understandable though...and I can't wait till the holidays are over.
The good thing about this time of year is that it will be over soon enough. You don't have to comply with anyone else's expectations for how you should be feeling this year. Many, mnay {{hugs}} for you.
I'm right there with you B! One problem I'm having right now is with Christmas cards....why do you only plaster your kids picture on there, why can't the parents be in the picture too? I don't get it and it's making me more angry with every card I open. And I really hate the combo Christmas Card-slash-birth announcement too, we have at least 7 of those. ugh.
Thinking of you! We will get through this!
Be a Scrinch! Own it girl! I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I only hope that the holidays speed by quickly for all of us SUFFERING through them. I truly hate them myself.
No doubt that holidays suck when dealing with infertility. I wish we could just fast forward through all the silliness. The whole holiday spending pisses me off too. You're not alone this holiday season in how you feel. I wish we all could have a party together and bitch and get drunk. Here's a cyber hug for you - ((((HUGS)))).
I think you stole my list ;) I am a total scrinch this yr too - we did not even decorate.
I am sorry you are feeling down, but its ok. It is a terribly difficult time of year. I am thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.
C'mon Jan. 2nd! May 2009 be your year!
We should start a club for Scrinchs! Albeit we'd probably have to fight for the position of president, but I'm sure many, many IFers and babyloss mamas would join our pity party! Seriously though, you are doing a great job--really the best you can! The holidays suck! I hate all the merriment and have to hold myself back from punching everyone who says Merry Christmas to me. The only thing that's even brought me the slightest bit of joy this holiday season was giving gifts to a needy family. Only a few more days of this shit and it will be over! I'm counting down the days with you dear friend! ((HUGS))
Tis the season to be scrinchy. i am with you. I really hope 2009 is much better.
I say feel what you have to feel. Deal how you have to deal (hmm, sounds like the beginning of a song).
I find the holidays particulary tough because of my infertility issues. I think it's normal.
IF is hard. Go ahead and be Scrinchy. You know you are and you're trying to work through it -- that's the important part.
Cyber hugs to you. May 2009 be a good year.
As I was reading your list, I wondered how many times M was counted:
People I have pissed off with my lack of holiday spirit: 3
People I have really really pissed off with my lack of holiday spirit: 1
... wondering if HE was the one. And then I saw that you had a blowout. :-( Not sure that they are even the same, but it made me think about how much IF invades our lives and tries to overrun our relationships. It's such a hard battle and we need our spouses so much ... it's painfully ironic.
Anyhow, I'm sorry for the surrounding baby crap. I hope you get a break this holiday season, from work and from the baby crazies.
Much love ...
The holidays will be over in about 2 weeks. Hang in there!!!!!!!
I also hope you are making very different lists in 2009.
Number of tears welling up in my eyes when I read this: 5
Sometimes you just feel the way you feel and trying to put on a face for the rest of the world makes it worse. Because then not only are you feeling bad, but you're feeling guilty about feeling bad. That doesn't help anyone.
I hope you'll give yourself at least a few moments each day to just sit with it without fighting it. Sometimes that helps.
Whatever the case, I hope there are at least a few bright spots in this holiday season for you and that you're feeling better soon.
xo
I know you're trying Brenda, but sometimes it's just too much. It sounds like you've hit that point. It sucks. I'm sorry. Every year I say I'm going to skip Christmas next year. After all, there is something to be said for Caribbean Christmas vacations. The good thing is that we know from past experience that this too shall pass. I hope it passes quickly for you, Hugs.
Karen
Oh man. I'm sorry things are so rough. All of this sucks, and it is only magnified at the holidays.
I really feel for you and identified completely when I read the one about number of Christmases hoping the next one will be different...
As I told my sister (easy fertile natch) that everyone else gets into the spirit, plays Santa, does family stuff, and loves it, and for us it's the same old shit.
Hang in there...the days will pass by (however slowly) and soon it will be January.
Big hugs from Texas (where it is decidedly UN-Christmasy and a balmy 78 degrees, ick).
I totally get it. It's such a hard time of year for all of us. I know I could write a list that would be very similar to yours, too! Like Alison said...the whole Christmas Card-slash-birth announcement thing is a bit much. I got one of those complete with an ultrasound picture. Yay. Made me feel extra festive...
Anyway, know that I'll be thinking of you and M. I hope that you do get through the holidays with fewer annoying things and maybe a little peace for both of you. (Hope that makes sense.)
Hugs!
I hope a good chat, venting, connecting personally will at least temporarily help when we meet next week when I'm in SoCal!
There's no escaping it. Today must have been bring your family to work today and flaunt them all around. It's not bad enough their Christmas cards are all over the staff room, they actually have to parade them around in person. There was so much ohhhing and ahhing and high pitched ba-gaaking over the babies(yes that's a chicken noise- okay, they didn't really make chicken noises but they might as well have). I'm at work people not a day care!
Don't beat yourself up, Brenda. I don't even have a Christmas tree up nor do I plan on putting it up! January will be here soon thank goodness!
Oh gawwwd Brenda! I just want to jump through the screen and give you a hug!
I did get a big chuckle about the supporting your "IVF habit" though, as I can completely relate! We are about to get a $500 bill for freezing that one embryo, and I am currently argueing with my insurance about covering the blood tests.
And this reminds me of another blogger I read who was talking about how utterly sucky 2008 was, and I completely agreed. I'm guessing it's been a hard year for you too. Hopefully next year will be a good one all the way around.
Huge hugs...
I'd buy you a drink if I could. :)
I loved both lists. Both inspired me to take my own inventory of the good and the bad.
Honestly, for me, sometimes the best thing I can do is stay in bed and say f*&*% to the world. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself.
This time of year is the best time for us infertiles isn't it? (sarcasism, hope you giggled, if not, come on giggle girl)
Thinking of you my friend... xoxoxoxoxo
Ahhhh... *Huge Hugs* Brenda...
Hope the new day has brought on new and brighter beginnings.
11 more days till 2009, I pray it's a whole new, better and brighter chapter for all of us.
Sending many good wishes and thoughts your way.
Anna
Babydoll - It's ok. It's ok to be a Scrinch some years. I hope this is the last Christmas that will be difficult for you. Much love and hugs.
B -- I'm sorry you are surrounded by such insensitivity. I've come to the conclusion that, while a small handful of people are truly thoughtful, most people are just blazing assholes. Your world (and mine) has gotten a whole lot smaller. I just don't care anymore. I'm curious to hear more about what's going on with M; I've been battling C lately, too. We've got to be careful there. My husband is all I have at this point. I'm sure there's more to your tale, and I'm hoping things settle down soon.
Hey, on a brighter note: C an I have decided that when all is said and done, when the RE gives me the official ass kick out the door, when our dream of becoming parents is officially dead (so close already), we are going to Hawaii. I've looked online, and all trips to Hawaii from Boston require some time in California... hmmm... are you thinking what I am thinking!!!
I LOVE YOU!
E
Coming from one Scrinch to another (one who is just now catching up on blog reading), the holidays really suck. I can totally understand your unwillingness to get out of bed and like you, I would have so many more days like that if I didn't need every last sick day for IVF. It's absolutely exhausting and I really hope this is the end of that exhaustion for you.
I am totally WITH YOU in the scrinch parade! Honestly. Not fun. No decorations in this house... I hope this week is a bit easier for you.
By the way, I hope you kicked those people who said that about 'just the two of you' right in the butt. A couple is a proper family! This is one of my pet hates. Grrrrr.
I am a family member of an "infertile". I also have 3 children. When is it going to be ok for me to have those children and stop paying for the fact that she doesn't? I try to be senstitive to her situation. But I have to be honest, it gets a bit old for the rest of us when we feel that we are being punished because we were able to have kids. I'm sure if any one of you have a child by next Christmas, you will to have a photo card made, celebrate and do all the things people with kids do. It isn't realistic to think you wouldn't. I don't pretend to know how you all feel. I also suffered a loss after my 2nd son. Because I had children already, this family member basically thought "at least you have others". Do you really think it doesn't affect me to lose a pregnancy since I have children already. That is crazy! I am not trying to upset any of you. I just think you might want to see it from another way. The rest of the word isn't going to stop living and celebrating. Like I said before, when you have your own child you will be doing the exact same things that you all are complaining about. And I'm sure you won't feel guilty, You will feel like you deserve those times with your child. I just wonder when my family member will start to understand that I deserve to have happy times my kids and not be punished because I have something she wants. I do pray that all of you have the child you long for someday soon. I would just love to see you enjoy life and not let it pass you by. It is short and none of us knows how long we really have. Try to have a blessed holiday.
Hi, I'm Devon's friend and found your blog through her. People need to GET A CLUE!!!! I am so sorry for the insensitivity. Believe me, I have been dealing with a bit of it myself. Huge hugs to you...and yes, let's be done with Christmas already.
Here are my tips (I don't have many...but this is what I've come up with)-
1- any card with a photo of a baby on it gets thrown in the trash immediately...or stuffed behind another card so it's not visible.
2-everyone (except DH) gets a giftcard. Children get lumped in with parents for gifts. So, for example, I got my aunt a giftcard to Target and wrote the whole family's name on the card (parents and kids). They can divy it up themselves...I don't have the time or patience for that sh*t.
Only a few more days til everyone else will be out of money and depressed... ;-)
There were so many choices but I thought this one fit. If I had a million dollars I would buy it for you, but a link to it will have to suffice until I win big.
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/fuck-christmas-womens-cap-sleeve-tshirt/182269559
Who says you have put on a happy face? I rarely wear one and people leave me alone. It's lonely but nice.
I'm sorry B. I know it sucks, I know it hurts and I know that those who have never had to deal with it never really get it but that does nothing to ease your pain.
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