I have trouble wrapping my head around this really being our last hurrah of a chance for a biological child.
How am I coping?
I'm suffocating myself with work, avoiding my blog, barely talking during therapy, and trying to find other ways to occupy my "free" time. It's the busy hands, busy head approach.
And I like it here.
In many ways I just wish our last IVF was done and over. I hate the anticipation leading up to it, the predicting of cd1, wondering what my response will be to another new protocol, how many embryos we will get this time and their quality. Wondering what we will do after it is all over. Thinking too much about it makes me so anxious. Add in the factor of the coordination and travel to CCRM and my unpredictable, ever-changing work schedule and it brings me to near melt-down status.
I feel like I am always waiting - waiting for our next cycle, waiting for the next appointment or test results, waiting for my "real" life to start. You know, the one that made us buy a house 30 miles from where we both work because the schools are so much better, the neighbors are friendly, and everything is so very family focused. The one where we know other people in the actual city we live in because our kids have play dates and soccer games and school projects. The one where we get to send Christmas cards with pictures of our baby sleeping under the soft glow of the tree.
It can all just be so overwhelming to process so for now I am allowing myself to live in denial and not think about the months ahead. I am allowing myself to do what I need to just get through the holidays. I am allowing myself to push my "what if?" thoughts off for another day. I am allowing myself to pretend these decisions don't exist in my world right now.
I won't let myself stay here too long, but for now this blissful denial is just where I need to be.
25 comments:
Denial can be useful at certain times. It might be just the thing to let work concerns take over for a while - the other stuff will be here for you when you're ready.
I am so hoping that CCRM works it's famous magic for you - and that your regular, everyday life can become that "real" life.
Denial sort of protects me from being hurt..i'm caught in my own shell and i refuse to acknowledge it. Do I make sense here?
I really do hope CCRM and that Dr Crafty does his tricks for you guys. I really really do pray and hope and just like with Polly, I would love to receive a X'mas card with a picture of your baby sleeping under the soft glow of the tree. But no matter what, I'd love to receive any card from you any time.
((((hugs)))
ps This is me at denial today.. I tell myself that I can cook and that my husband loves my cooking..today, he asked for the salt. Sigh, denial does suck when I know deep down he doesn't like my cooking. :(
I know what you mean.
We did the SAME thing--bought a bigger house 30 miles out to be in the best school district...and yet here we sit. Can we enroll our dogs?
I hope you feel excited and hopeful with the new cycle, wishing you lots of luck!
PS the word verification was "peelessi"--I can only think this means you will be peeing less on POAS because you'll finally get your two line!
Denial is a perfectly fine coping mechanism. I'm wishing, hoping and praying that CCRM is the answer. You deserve it B!
It may not be helpful to you now and you may want to slap me, but you know I've been there confronting my final IVF and even though I didn't get the results I wanted, I made it to the other side. It was hell getting here, I won't deny that, but there is another side no matter what happens. We're here for you! :) (hugs)
I think you have to deal in whatever way works for you. When you do start the process take it a step at a time rather than looking at the whole process and getting overwhelmed.
Denial is not a bad thing. An IVF cycle takes so much out of you mentally, emotionally and physically that there is nothing wrong with sparing yourself that unti it is actually happening. I'm sure the travel only adds to it, but you're off to see the wizard!
I think this is a beautiful post - we have all been here. I know the part of about the house in the blue ribbon schools all too well. It breaks your heart daily...
BIG HUGS and enjoy your little vaction to Denial Island!
Denial definitely has its place! Maybe it's also a bit of compartmentalizing: dealing only with what's on your plate at the moment. I sometimes think we don't compartmentalize enough, what with trying to multitask constantly.
Anyways, it'll all come together in due time! And when it does you'll be nicely caught up at work because you won't have spent all this time thinking about the future instead of working. BTDT.
;-)
Denial can be a wonderful thing. It's too overwhelming to think about it sometimes. It's too much waiting, too much planning, too much hoping, dreaming, and what if thinking. and worse yet, it's way too much dreading, fearing the worst, and losing hope.
Hagn in there and enjoy your denial today.
Oh yeah, and some big big hugs your way :)
hugs my friend...
live in denial all you want, especially during this time of year. i am just holding my breath and hoping it passes quickly!
you are always in my thoughts....
My dear friend, sometimes denial is just what we need in life. It gets us through some of the tougher times.
I'm here with you for the entire ride "real" life or not.
Love ya! HUGS
xxx
You just stay right there in your happy place!
(Raise glass) Here's to cycling together in January!
Lalala, dumdeedum... what? Oh, hello. How long have you been standing there?
Denial is sometimes a very good thing. And it's even better if it comes w a Blizzard. Indulge yourself.
{{hugs}}
I enjoy the weeks I can live in denial. I am praying that CCRM is the positive answer for you.
We are here when you need us.
I remember denial. I tried to do that the months in between my failed IVF and now. I was actually succeeding when time snuck up on me. Here I am faced with it again.
You'll be ready when the time comes to cycle with CCRM. Until then, let your denial work for you.
I am ALL ABOUT the keeping busy approach! Ask your therapist if that's a good approach, k? It seems to work for me.
While I'm super excited that I get to cycle now, I'm dreading the emotional crap that goes with it. People wince at the injections and stuff, but it's really the up and down, emotional herky-jerkiness of it that is so hard.
Yes. Herky-jerkiness is a word. I just made it up, here and now. :)
Happy 35! My 36 is in a little over a week. Gahhh!
Reality can be just too overwhelming sometime. Denial is a good coping tool when needed. I'm sorry you're all settled down and that you bought your house in family land - what a kick in the face.
I hope this holiday season is bearable.
Ahhh... I see you've found one of the secrets to my coping success :P~.
Can relate on sooo many levels *sigh*
I want to wish you a good & blessed holiday season.
So glad you're keeping busy.
Sincerely hoping that this is the very last christmas you'll have to wait to have that card with your very own baby sleeping by the glow of the tree.
*HUGE HUG*
Anna
As usual, your words express my feelings exactly. I'm in the denial boat beside you. This time of year is sooooo tough, but you have every right to isolate, deny, immerse yourself in your work. If we don't keep busy, we'll go (even more) insane.
No regrets, B. Do what you must.
Love,
E
The motto for me leading up to my second cycle was "I just have to live my life". I didn't want to wait until I got pregnant to live my life, though in reality, that's how my mind set was. At the same time, I did everything I would normally do up until day one of my cycle started. I just had to live my life and not keep it on hold until my next IVF cycle. Being in limbo is hard. Try not to let that get you down. There is so much to enjoy in the here and now. Happy Thanksgiving to you!
I too am feeling all the same shit, just didn't write about it yet. It is cd 1 for me today and number 6 is on...
What will happen this time? Will i even produce enough eggs, how many embryos and will they be good enough? Anyway thinking of you and know you are not alone....xoxoxoxo
Sometimes denial is what helps you to keep it all together. It's just too much to live in Infertilityland 24/7. And once you can't deny anymore, taking one step, one decision at a time is just fine. You don't need to think about everything all at once.
I know exactly what you mean about wishing IVF#3 was already over. Sometimes the anticipation is worse than just finally knowing. Or at least it felt like that for me at the end. You just want to be able to live again.
One step at a time. Sometimes there are things that are hard enough to just get through, without having to think about them as well! This is the one good thing about way too much work - it gives us something else, more urgent, to use up the stress part of the brain. You stay there as long as you need to!
I think we all live in denial at one time or another. And, that's okay. I know about buying houses in the best school neighborhoods, etc. All I can say is: you're not alone.
I hope that CCRM works magic on you. Keep looking to them for hope. They do work miracles all of the time. You're always in my thoughts and prayers!
:o)
Thanks for your wonderful comment on Suzanne's blog.
I'm afraid I'm not that interesting, plus I've had everything bottled up inside for so long, that to finally put them in writing, in a way terrifies me. (know what I mean?)
In reality, this is the only form of outside support I have, by reading and sharing in the experiences of others. So perhaps in a way I am being selfish... I don't know.
Thanks again for your very kind words. I really do feel supported.
Anna
I'm right there with you. Denial IS bliss. I know, like you, that it can't last forever. But for now-it works!
I really like your new background.
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