I feel out of touch in so many ways right now.
We have been having some Internet issues at home since last Saturday. It started as a wireless connection problem and then a settings problem once I tried hooking it up with a cable. For now, we are back online, but with a nice bright yellow cable running across the room. That damn wireless POS will have to be my weekend nemesis.
I am so far behind on blog reading and commenting. I have been blog skimming from work, but can't really comment from there too well so I'm sorry if I haven't been around to offer up support. My google reader is overloaded right now and I am attempting to dig myself out.
My emotions have been just as intermittent as our wireless connection. And poor M thought these crazy mood swings were only during IVF cycles. Surprise!! I may be edging a bit close to mental, but it is what it is. I am making an effort to feel better - going out with friends for drinks, dinners, and barbecues, shopping at the mall in the land of stroller hell, working on house projects with M, walking our geriatric babies, etc. Most days I would rather just curl up on the couch and call it a day, but I am somewhat sick of listening to myself bitch about being in a funk so I will continue to move forward until my thoughts and emotions catch up with my actions. I know the storm will pass, my out of the blue crying bouts will end, and I will eventually want to start figuring out how IVF#3 will play out. For now, I'm just letting my emotions fall as they will, but not letting them take me over.
I am in awe as to how so many of you can pick up the pieces with such grace and clarity to move forward much more quickly after multiple failed cycles/diagnoses (or losses or BFN's or cancellations or whatever battle you are up against - IF related or not). Sometimes someone will have a new way to look at an old problem that you have never seen before and things somehow just feel alright again. I'm looking for that new way to see things through your eyes. So what is your secret for pushing through the dark times while still holding true to your emotions?
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
26 comments:
Now that's the million dollar question isn't it?! Most days I'm not exactly sure how I've kept forging ahead with all of my roadblocks and hurdles. Many days I want to quit because I can't seem to find hope. After Myles died I was certain that I was done, that was it, no more IF treatments/IVF for me, and no more losses. Well 6 months later I was doing another FET, which incidentally resulted in another loss. Now I'm prepping for my 3rd FET on 9/23.
Over the past few months I've done a lot of soul searching and decided that I just have to keep going. Had I not kept going for the first two years and opted to do IVF, I would not have had Myles. A friend who struggled for 5 years with IF and multiple losses told me that when I held my baby for the first time I would look back on my journey with a different perspective. She was right. The first time I held Myles I had a strange sense of gratitude/appreciation for my struggles which led me to my beautiful son. So, I remind myself of those things and I forge ahead in hopes that I'm fortunate enough to share my life with another baby.
Stubbornness and mental imbalance is my secret to plowing through. My road has not been as washboard riddled as some of the others out there, so I'm not sure I have an answer. You'll find your footing. Regardless of where your path leads you and how many potholes you hit on the way, you'll find it.
I think my greatest gift lately in getting through the day is what we are all doing here: writing and reaching out. I'm new to this and it has been cathartic. Although it doesn't make everything better, it helps so tremendously.
No connection is the pits, isn't it?
Honestly, I act as if. I act as if I am feeling great and hope that eventually my brain will get the message. When I'm down, I allow myself to cry, scream and have a pity party. But I try not to stay in that place too long. It takes a toll. There is nothing graceful about it, you jusy have to act as if and each day that we go through this hell is another day closer to our babies. That's what gets me through the day.
HMMM thats a tough question these days for me as some days i am feeling just as you yet others that "renewed HOPE" takes over and i get excited again.. my emotions are a crazy rollarcoaster ride lately... i get hopefull and sxcited to scared and fearful... its nuts!! I think these days i know that this is out end no matter how it turns out. We are taking one last shot if it works then awesome! if not then i know we will have done everything we could have done! and we can move forward in our lives and embark on our adoption journey. I dont think ther is eally one definate answer to that question as we all plug through IF differently and have our own ways to deal with the ups & downs. i know the one constant for me is the conections and support from all my internet friends! ALL of which have been my biggest support and who i couldnt thank enough! i think all of you help me want to get up the next day and keep on plugging!!
Glad you posted! I was thinking of you. It is sort of sureal... I felt the same way about you and the other ladies: "How do they do it?"
Sending you positive thoughts. You'll work through it.
((BIG HUG!!))
I agree with some of the other commenters that this community of women is just unbelievable. I, for one, can't tell you how your comments (yes, you) have meant to me over the months. I hope that you continue to find comfort in the hugs and well wishes of everyone who visits your blog.
It sounds like you are putting one foot in front of the other, Brenda. Give yourself some credit.
In the past, I have thrown tantrums, cried, slept, talked about it, and stayed in that funk for long periods of time. Now, I just try to put one foot in fromt of the other as you are doing. I find ways to busy myself that are productive- work outside in the sun, pray, take the dogs for a walk, talk to God or yell at Him 9He can take it), rent a movie, seek therapy, get out of the house... many of the things you said you are doing.
Keep your end goal in mind, too. When things seem too overwhelming, I know it is not time to go through with another procedure.
I've been thinking about you. You are one tough cookie!
Great question, B.
While it is considered self-torture in the eyes of others, I continue to move forward because standing still is too painful. Our diagnosis (high FSH) is literally a stop watch ticking. Time is not on my side, so I force myself to get back on the horse for fear that any opportunity will be gone tomorrow. This way, I figure I'll never be able to look back and say, "if only we had..." I may be childless forever, but at least I find peace in knowing we did all we could.
Love you,
E
Here from ICLW.
Let yourself feel the IF-related funks . . . they do pass. I wish it didn't have to be so hard!
Here from ICLW. I can hardly imagine what you're going through as you get ready for another cycle. I wish courage, peace, and healing to you as you get ready. Thanks for sharing your journey. I admire you for sharing and for hoping and for being honest about the struggle.
I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. I heard a lot of courage, strength and humor in your post. Go easy on yourself friend. BTW I like the name of your blog very much. Some one once told me that, "Guilt and regret have no place in the human psyche." I think that is very true (though sometimes a challenge to achieve:-)
To be honest, I've been in a bit of a funk lately too. I have no secret/s. I read somewhere about what Christina Applegate said and it was along the lines of, YOU NEED TO GRIEVE. YOU NEED TO SCREAM. YOU NEED TO CRY. AND IT'S ALL PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS.So true, isn't it?
All of us deal with this in our special way and if it's curling up on the couch is what you want to do, then just do it. But at some point, knowing you (and it seems like I've known you forever!), you will come out of this, stronger!! My sign above your computer tells you so, DON'T GIVE UP, until you know you're absolutely sure, that's just about as much as you can give and that you're ready to take on the next journey that could lead you to a resolution you're happy with.
(((big big big big big big hugs))))
ps That's my Gospel, according to FAITH. :) Love ya and thinkin' of you.
Coming over from ICLW...
(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))
Infertility has it's dark days and it's not so dark days. Hugs sweetie.
I think there is plenty of leeway to curl up on the couch, as long as you are also getting yourself out there like you are.
I wish I had a secret to offer you. I guess I try to do the things that I love (preferably those that free my mind from my troubles, which pottery does for me), connect to the people I love, and trudge on with the things I have to do, for as long as it takes. I also try to cut down on the things that I really don't enjoy, through total elimination, delegating to DH or others, or just procrastination.
Thanks for your ICLW comment!
lots of whiskey ...
Here from ICLW, althought I do read fairly regularly!
Sorry about your internet issues, and everything else that has been going on. I too am amazed at how quickly some overcome things. I am slow.
Wishing you peace of mind.
I had my last (failed) cycle a year ago. It's taken me this long to gather my strength and courage and decide to try again. A negative cycle feels so much like a real failure, like I have not managed to adequately make things happen. It feels like a lack of accomplishment.
I have had to spend some time focusing on other things - on accomplishing things that actually respond to my efforts. Even just finally cleaning out the garage attic made me feel better. I made a real effort at work to forge ahead on some lingering projects and it was wonderful to be really appreciated for the effort - I got a raise and one of the best new projects in the office.
I think I've built up my reserve of self-worth and inner strength enough to put myself back in the craziness, just one last time. I feel like I have less to lose now, because I've gained enough of my old self back. Of course, a month from now...
Anyway, that may seem like old-fashioned advice, but it has really worked for me.
good question! I am not sure what the answer is. I have been in some dark places and dark times, it has taken prayer, patience, my amazing husband and at one point a psychologist to get me out. But I am out now and very thankful. I hope you find your tool to help you through this time.
here from ICLW
I am not quite sure how we got to our current IVF cycle. After IVF #2 didn't work, I felt completely knocked down. We spoke with our doctor, and she had suggestions on how to make big and little changes to the cycle that might help us. At that point, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to try again. But my husband had asked me if I would have regrets if we didn't try this one more time (based on the changes our RE was willing to make.) I knew that I WOULD have regrets if we didn't try it, so we decided to move on and do one more. It was really hard - all the way through the cycle. It's really hard now, too, as it's the day after my transfer and I'm not feeling particularly hopeful.
I guess what I'm saying is, you have to decide what the best decision is for you and if you would regret not moving forward with another try (or a new doctor, or a different approach, etc.) You may not even be able to make that decision right now -- it may take more time. I think that's okay.
I'm thinking of you.
i just keep going, i don't know how. somedays i feel like i am watching someone else do this.
(ILCW)
I don't have much constructive advice for you, because I don't think I was all that graceful in moving forward. Mostly, like you, I just got really sick of my own complaints and decided to do what needed to be done and just detaching myself.
((hugs))
I'm also behind on my reading/commenting. I haven't forgotten about you though!
I'm also sitting here with an old, broken car and trying to figure out whether to go forward. I'd love to just leave it up to someone else. But I know that's not really smart -- or possible. My heart is with you.
Coming from ICLW
Honestly, I'm not sure how I kept going. I just honestly, in my heart of hearts, believed there was suppose to be another baby and refused to give up even as the losses kept mounting. There was a lot of grieving and some ranting at God but somehow I found the strength and faith to keep going.
Huge hugs coming your way, B. I wish the road didn't have to be so difficult. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I try not to push my grief out when it hits. I allow myself to sit with it, cry and breathe deeply.
After my first two losses I really let myself get down. Stopped living actually. This time no matter how badly I wanted to I didn't. I kept getting out of bad even though sleeping was what I wanted, I kept going to Curves even though I let myself eat badly if I wanted to. I think it has helped. My mood has been so much better after this loss.
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