We had a big group lunch at work today for 2 co-workers who are quitting to go back to graduate school. One I dislike due to his extreme arrogance (and he is nearly 2 feet taller than me which freaks me out a little). The other I like, but haven't worked with to really know too well. I went out of respect (and because it was at my favorite Thai restaurant). LOL. Selfish, I know, but if you had their calamari or curry you would understand my weakness. It's that good.
I know that most of the people who visit my blog are also battling infertility and will get my thought process for this simple outing, but I realized a couple months ago how much even my best friend doesn't "get" about what it is like to live with infertility so I will go through my thoughts here for those that stumbled across this because they have a friend or family member living in the IF world.
Step 1: Receive email notice for luncheon. Do not reply.
IF reaction: This will set the tone that I'm really busy right now and may not be able to make it. I actually want to wait to see the reply list as well as see if I am in a strong or weak phase.
Step 2: Receive reminder email and reply as "tentative" as I may have a "schedule conflict".
IF reaction: "Schedule conflict" means the final reply list is full of too many baby bumps or parents of young 'uns. Conversations with these groups are not even worth my favorite restaurant.
Step 3: Receive email with luncheon details sent to all who are planning to attend.
IF reaction: Scour the list to see who is going. Make up a "schedule conflict" if needed or decide on a couple of safe people to buddy up next to so the entire meal isn't spent talking about babies.
Step 4: Meet up with group to carpool.
IF reaction: Pick the vehicle with the most old(er) men as they are more likely to talk about work or sports than babies or baby bumps. Getting stuck with a baby bump or a new dad is a guarantee for a torturous baby conversation where everyone adds their own experience. This is normally followed by the infamous, "Are you next?" BS kind of question which there is no escaping in a vehicle.
Step 5: Restaurant seating.
IF reaction: Stay close to the safe buddies (read old(er) men) and pray for good luck that a baby bump or new dad doesn't follow because even older men will turn to this conversation if that is what is in front of them.
Crap, so it's just mentally exhausting to get to the restaurant. It is necessary though because I've sat through too many work lunches where I wanted to just implode.
So, I made it through steps 1-4 just fine, but then one of the new dads sat at our table. Seeing the baby bump 2 tables away started the "Are you pregnant too?" jokes between the men as the chair arms were kind of narrow, bellies a little big, etc., etc. From there it went to the new dad and we got to hear all about his baby only wanting the boob, but his wife is in her residency, blah, blah, blah. Once it started, everyone seemed to have a story except me and the "fresh-out" 24 year old guy.
I continued to stare at my menu the entire time saying that I was trying to find the pineapple rice dish when probed that I was "quiet".
I hate that it is like this, but no matter how innocent these conversations seem when you are fertile they sting to the core when you think that you may never have your own story to share or you remember that you were already trying when new dad got married. It's isolating to not be able to join in and it is horrifying just waiting for one of those typical "When are you gonna have one?" questions where you want to scream, "I wish I effin' knew". On the harder days it is difficult to just hold back the tears and get through the meal.
So if you are blessed enough to be fertile and you are reading this because you have an infertile friend or family member, this is why we might bail on stuff last minute and why we seem aloof during pregnancy/baby conversations. It's not that we are rude or just having a bad day. We are just trying to make it through with a little dignity and sanity. Please be patient. These seemingly simple outings are hard enough.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
22 comments:
Hey I'm with you all the way from Step 1 to Step 5. Recently, babes best friend's girlfriend asked me out for lunch. I haven't replied to her emails yet. It's been 3 weeks and she sent it to 3 of my email accounts with follow-up emails as to why I am not responding. I am hoping she gets the message that I'm not keen on meeting up with her. She keeps asking me, SO HAVE YOU SEEN THE DOCTOR? WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHEN ARE YOU SEEING THE DOCTOR AGAIN? and she just asks so many questions that it annoys the shit out of me. She doesn't know that I'm pg now but I just don't feel like I'm up to lunch, her company or the incessant questions.
And I totally agree with you: These seemingly simple outings are hard enough.
i feel your pain.... i have def bailed on quite a few outings for the same thought processes you have gone through.. Some dont understand. (((((HUGS)))) sorry your having to deal with these "simple outings".. It sure does make us isolate outselves and become hermits! LOL.. just to avoid these insensative conversations... i am facing a whole weekend of baby talk next weekend.... i have bailed on one of my favorite things todo just cause i didnt want to deal with a whole weekend of complaining about being PG.. i have told her many times "i eill trade places with you if your so miserable"... one of these times she will get the picture! more ((((HUGS)))
I thought this was so insightful. Thanks for such a thoughtful and well-written post.
I totally understand:( and unfortunately a bit too well.
Wow, I have walked this scenario many times. And not just at work, but amongst friends especially. I am praying that my husband's cousin (who lives out of state) does not come back and have a baby shower. In fact, I'm dreading when she comes back at all, and I really like her. :(
I wish I had a group of older men to hide out in (although you demonstrated that's not even safe), but I am in a female dominated field and older women especially throw the, "Are you next?" out constantly. It's exhausting. You portrayed this so well, how IF affects our daily lives, our every plan.
OMG, it's like you crawled in my head and wrote down exactly what I was thinking! Every word is so true. I almost wish we could wear some sort of scarlet letter that lets people know we're IF'ers so they automatically know to just zip it when we're around. I am almost to the point of not being polite any more. If someone asks when I'm next, I'm going to tell them I lost a baby 10 months ago and I've been trying to have one for the past 7 f'ing years. Let's see your reaction now bi-otches!
I'm so totally with you!!! What should I do if I have no story to tell?? Can I excuse myself to go to the restroom?? I wish the ground will open up and swallow me every time the same happens to me. I don't want others to pity me too. Like what you said, we still want our dignity. Urgh! Damn! Life's unfair.
{{Hugs}} Sweetie. Sending you all the good vibes I have.
You are freaking awesome and I love this post!
YOu know I have these issues still... I am sorry it is so hard for you sweetie... HUGS!!!
Rebel
I feel like I could have written that. That's pretty much what goes on in my mind when I get invited to a group outing. You are so right - things that should be simple outings are just not simple.
Sorry the lunch date blew.
I'm right with you, sister.
So I'm in graduate class today. I'm one of 14 students.
Professor: "So how many people here have children?"
Every hand in the place goes up, except mine. All eyes, including the profesor's, turn to me.
Professor: "Looks like you're the odd ball."
Me: "Thanks for reminding me."
Every day is so exhausting, isn't it? I can't even go to school anymore.
Love, E
P.S. Thanks for responding to my 911 e-mail the other day. I was borderline psychotic. Feeling a bit better now.
Erin - I can't believe your professor did that to you. I've had it done in a large group of people (a really large class) but I was never singled out like that. Ugh. I'm sorry he did that to you, too.
Why aren't people more sensitive?
I think what you have written is pretty much exactly how we all feel from time to time! And that's okay! Thanks for writing this and I hope some fertiles learn a lesson from it!!
Sometimes I'm at a loss as to finding the right words to post, so I don't :o(
I can so relate to the "already trying[tc] when new dad got married".
Was looking for something today, found this and thought of you.
"Strength is born in the deep silence of long suffering hearts; not amid joy".
Stay strong.
*HUGS*
Anna.
When I finally cave and go, I have a hard time not making comment about how 4 months isn't that long and wanting to have sleepless nights as well. I throw it right out there because I'm a bitch and I'm still pissy about it even though I got 2 out of the journey.
I have absolutely felt that way. You are well understood in these parts.
I work in a female dominated field, and I got the "When are you going to have one?" BS all. the. time. Drove me insane. I eventually just said please stop asking me that question.
I tagged you on my blog if you're in the mood for a random 'game'.
I couldn't agree with you more. (and I ditto that I love thai food!) You brought up some really great points. During our IVF cycle and IUIs the only friend I truly didn't mind having over because he was a safe zone was my husband's one friend who happens to be gay :-) I was happy because the conversation never revolved around to kids or babies. What a relief. Outings that are so simple for most people - just aren't so simple when you are faced with these issues. I'm just sorry that you have to experience them, I wish things were different. ((hugs))
I understand. I totally understand. I've retreated to being a hermit as well, but it's so much safer that way.
I'm sorry for your pain, but I thought this was a great post!
I hope you made it through the lunch okay...we so very much know what you mean, it's a difficult situation at best. What hurts me even more is when someone who's been where I am but has made it through to the other side completely forgets what it used to feel like (had one of those painful experiences yesterday when I went downstairs to see a new baby).
(hugs)
OMG - I totally "get" that!
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