The money this blog saves me in therapy is unbelievable. LOL. When I posted last night, I thought even if nobody makes a comment I felt better just getting it all out. I read your comments throughout the day and cried many times. To simply feel understood is one of the greatest gifts. Thank you all for "getting it". I truly wish you didn't have to.
M and I are taking baby steps toward our next decisions. It was a long weekend leading up to our conversation.
Before IVF#2, we agreed that we would set money aside for new carpet in our living room and workout room. Okay, okay, who am i kidding - our living room and his workout room. It was installed on Saturday morning and we spent a good part of the afternoon going through some stuff in the workout room closet. M is a huge Michael Jor.dan fan and has had all of his collection "decorating" his workout room. For whatever reason, he decided to pack it all up on Saturday. I, of course, did not hesitate to help. LOL. Eleven and a half years of staring at that "collection" and just waiting for the day that my little M became an adult and put it all away. *sniff*
In cleaning out the closet, I came across a picture of my BFF with her husband and newborn son (who is now almost 3). It's a beautiful picture as they are both lovingly staring down at their firstborn. I thought of her and how she will soon have another of these pictures when their second child is born in December. I thought about M and I and about how we were not planning to clean out this room until we were making it into a nursery. Something clicked and I didn't want any of M's equipment back in the room. I didn't want anything in the room, but a crib and a baby. That is why we should be cleaning out this room. Instead of sharing this, I picked a fight about furniture and everything else under the sun and he picked right back with all of it.
We managed to get done what we needed to and mostly spent Sunday doing our own things.
Today we talked.
We talked about my pregnant officemate and other pregnant co-worker. We talked about how I'm struggling daily with their growing bellies, co-worker comments, and how I am continually being asked about shower planning.
We talked about our failed cycles, how sad I have been, and how I am stuck with moving forward. We talked about CCRM. For the first time ever, M said that if we are going to look into adopting that we should really start doing it before we get much older. There were alot of tears shed. Adoption has never been part of his vocabulary before. I have never pushed the issue because I have always wanted to hear him say it without any coaxing. I'm still in shock and feel a huge relief that this could be a real possibility for us. We have another option - another path. It feels as if a whole new world has opened up.
We will still pursue a final IVF cycle. Even if it doesn't work, I know we have to do it once more just to know that we gave it our all. We have alot to look into and alot of decisions to make in the next months, but we are moving forward.
Tonight I am feeling at peace.
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
25 comments:
At your last sentence, I got teary-eyed. Oh, how I wish I go through this damned screen to give you a real hug!
Whatever your plans are, whatever your final decisions are, I just want you to be happy. And even if you're not, I want you to know that I'll be here till you reach your resolution.
BIG BIG BIG BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
Wow, I am glad that you are feeling a little better. Your post really touched me, and I am glad that you are looking into adoption now to. Take things slowly, and honestly give yourself a chance to do IVF#2 though. It will behard to move on if you have ANY "What If's" left in your heart... oh hell we always have what if's, but you know what I mean the BIG ones!!!
Hugs and know that I am here if you need me.
Rebel
the toughest part for me through all this is the guilt.. and not expressing that to my DH.. I am so glad you all had that talk! it clears the air and gets u all on the same page or at least knowing what the other feels.. When DH mentioned he was open to Adoption i was relieved to an extent that we did indeed have an alternative to expanding our family.. it does change the way you think.. I know for us going into this LAST IVF that no matter what the results we will be parents one way or another! sending out some (((HUGS))) let me know if you have any questions about adoption.. We also have an adoption group set up! :)
DH and I also did a second and final IVF, but in my gut I knew that adoption was in our future. I'm glad that you and your DH are open to it. You are not at the end of the road and that's a beautiful thing :)
oh my gosh, I'm now all teary eyed... It must have been so hard to have that conversation my friend, but I'm glad that you still have that back door open and that you are still having a go at that last shot IVF (please God let it work for them) and that you are at peace...
HUGS!!!!!
always thinking and praying for you...
I am so happy that you have slogged your way through the crap to find some peace. Also, that your hubby stands beside you in what you both want. That is fantastic.
Congrats on getting the room cleaned out. We have a room that I use to hang the laundry and do the ironing, store boxes of paper etc etc that is supposed to be the baby's room. You have inspired me to light a fire under my hubby's butt so that we can clean it out.
This post hits home as I am already thinking towards adoption, but the hubby is not yet willing to discuss it. I suspect I know the feeling you're coming to as when/if Mr. S and I decide on adoption, there will be a great sense of, 'finally there will be a real baby in that spare bedroom and a foreseeable end to the madness that are treatments'.
I can only imagine the peace that will bring and I can already see it in your words. I am so happy to hear what that discussion has already given you. I look forward to reading your blog in the future and seeing how happy you are with the eventual path you found. It will come in time!
Oh geez, the decision-making process is SO hard. So is just talking about it at all, even -- or especially -- with our DHs/partners. Both people have different emotions at play, different ways of communicating. But you did it, as you've done it before and will do it again on this journey.
I'm so glad you feel good right now. "At peace" is a great place to be.
I want to cry reading this post! I can feel your relief, understand your agony, and am proud of you for making some huge decisions and discussing your thougths with hubby. He's committed to you for the long haul, just as Babe is with me.
I'm thrilled for you!
Are you going to do anoter IVF with CCRM or with another doctor in your state?
Brenda, honey, you have come a long way. I hope you realize it. I am proud of you!
I have been silently blog stalking you for quite some time because I love the way that you are able to articulate so many of the messy cobweb feelings of IF...I tell people about your "Even if you Try" post all of the time...you have been in my thoughts and prayers often but frankly a lot this week...I have been going through the room struggles as well
It sounds like you are feeling better. I'm so glad that you guys were able to talk so openly about your options. It is nice to hear that you have another path should this one not work out. But, I'm not counting this path out just yet!
I'm just happy that you are more peaceful about everything. These aren't baby steps--they're giant steps you should be proud of! :-)
I swear you just described a my weekend.. many weekends. Picking fights, talking, making decisions. The emotions that accompany this process are all their own. It is so hard. I am glad you are feeling better.
I hate that sometimes it takes anger and isolation to bring real communication - but I'm always so happy when it does. Congrats on having a big, lay-it-all-out-there, where we stand conversation. I hope it helps you move forward on your journey. Good luck with this next IVF!
(Here from ICLW)
I am glad to read that you have some peace. And I am glad that you were able to really open up about what was really bothering you initially instead of letting things stew.
Oh! Both you can I have been trying for 5.5 years. I know what it takes to try for 5 years. After reading all the helpful blogs, I consider the option of adoption but kept it quiet inside me. For I do not know how to bring it up to DH. But I'm glad DH brought it up first, like your case. He must have understood the anguish and pain you go through every cycle. After he brought it up, I felt so relieved! To us, this might be the light at the end of the tunnel for us. Like you, I now plan on how many IVF cycles we will do and getting myself prepared for adoption. My DH is adopted too. He loves his mom so much. I do not think an adoption child will be any difference to a biological child.
Your post made me teary eyes too and I'm in my office, reading it! So, I can't let it out. BUt I'm totally with you.
I'm so glad you're feeling at peace tonight. It's good that DH brought up adoption. When it becomes clear that there are other possibilities for building your family, the situation you're currently in doesn't feel so life-and-death. The problem is still enormous but you can see that there's more than one way to solve it. I hope this next IVF works for you. Whether it does or not, you will be a mom at some point. ((HUGS))
Wow, your last two posts have been wonderful. I loved your walk through hope in the last post - so real, so sad, so true; I hadn't thought of it that way. And then with this post talking about how M finally brought up adoption - it was really touching. Trying to think about donor egg/embryo and adoption are HUGE, I was so afraid to go there but the more I talk about it the less frightening it becomes. But I totally get wanting to have one last shot at it.
I do look forward to walking through this painful journey together - although I've needed my break recently I really am here for you and with you.
Just one baby step at a time ... it's such a process.
Many hugs,
Polly
Hope reborn?
Your last two posts have touched me deeply. I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this.
I wish for you the best of all things.
I'm so glad you guys came together to come to a decision and feel at peace about it - sometimes that is the hardest part...
And sometimes it's those little things that sting - for me, seeing my friend move into an apartment downstairs and set up her crib in her bedroom and bring home her newborn stung - I had imagined my crib and my baby in that same spot for years before she even got pregnant (the layouts for all the units are the same)...
It's so hard, all of it. I'm so sorry this is so hard on you. I'm glad to hear that adoption has given you good feelings, because I think it's a lovely option to consider.
So glad to read that you and your husband are finding the beginnings of new hope. Whatever comes next in your journey, I'll be following along and sending you the greatest, strongest vibes that anyone can muster. {{hugs}}
I'm so glad that you and your husband were able to talk about everything. Jill was right -- you are making huge steps toward your next decisions! It's great that you are considering another IVF cycle and it's great that you are now considering adoption as well. I know it makes me feel better to know that there are some options (although, not fast solutions.) I am so happy that you feel a bit better. I'm glad your DH understands what you've been going through, too. ((hugs))
no words except i wish you both the best...
I felt the same way when we redid our guest bedroom. Actually that is probably why the bed just has its mattress cover on it. I just can't buy bedding.
I am glad you seem more at peace with things and that M came around to talking about adoption on his own.
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