I am trying to emerge from my dark place which I think requires me to embrace all these messy "feeling" things. I want to continue avoiding it all, but I know the place that will take me is somewhere I just can't bear to go to again. I've said it many times here before so once more can't hurt, "Fuck, this sucks."
Deep breath.........
I'm depressed, confused, lost, empty, highly emotional, and just plain pissed off (sometimes all in the same day, hour, or even minute). I can't seem to stop questioning why this won't work for us and what we could have done to deserve this. We are by no means perfect people, but I like to think that we both have good hearts and do the right thing whenever we can. I know, I know - "Bad things happen to good people everyday" - I just want to know how we got on God's shit list, ya know? I hope that doesn't offend anyone. I like to think God has a pretty good sense of humor. Seriously, I know He laughed His ass off when we thought we could make our own plans to start a family. I don't think I have really ever talked about God on here as I like to keep my relationship with Him personal. (It used to be open, but my youth leaders, who I respected and trusted for many years to teach and guide me, managed to crush this with adultery, murder, and suicide. This could be a whole other post in itself, but I think it is relevant enough to share here briefly to get through these thoughts.) Bottom line is that I have a strong faith which has never wavered, but I choose not to share it openly. I know that this journey is leading us where we are supposed to be and that I do not question.
I wonder how much longer this journey will last and how long we will choose to stay on this path. There are no direct trails that lead to a baby on the IF journey and at some point this path must end and another begin. I don't know how to decide when to venture in another direction. Maybe that means I'm not ready to leave this IVF nightmare just yet. Maybe it means I just haven't processed things enough.
There are many things I know I am not ready to let go of right now. I'm not ready to give up seeing M's face when our pee stick actually comes up with that 2nd line, hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time, and feeling him kick me from the inside. I'm not ready to give up on a baby that will have my blue eyes, M's signature crooked toes, and the stubbornness we both possess. I'm not ready to give up the "He gets that from your side of the family" jokes. Maybe someday I will be or will need to force myself to be, but today I am just not ready.
I can't for the life of me understand why my desire to have a biological child has to be so strong when the means to fill this yearning is full of such heartache. I pray to find a way to fill this emptiness because I am terrified that a baby (no matter how one comes to us) will not be enough. I know so many of you have been through this or are going through this now and your stories give me comfort and make me less fearful of the path that lies ahead and help to remind me that I will someday/somehow become a mommy. I hope we all are able to grow and find exactly what our hearts desire. It may not happen the way we dreamed or expected, but I like to think this will make the end result even sweeter. It has to, right?
About Me
- Lost in Space
- On the planet since 1973. Living in sin with M since 1997 and honestly since 2002. Failing at baby-making since 2005. And whining about it here since 2008. Come on in and sit a spell. This train wreck never seems to end.
18 comments:
I've said this many times here before so once more can't hurt, "I wish I could take away the pain"..
Deep breath....
I feel all the emotions that you're going through and there isn't a day that goes by that I think, Y Me?
I've always loved blue eyes. They're pretty. Crooked toes aren't very attractive, but who f-king cares?
I have every reason to believe that someday the end result will be sweeter.
And may that be when both of us reach our resolutions and that we'll eventually meet someday.
(((((hugs)))))
ps. praying and thinking of you every single day!
I know what you mean, the thing is that hope is so strongly tied to faith that you can't really have one without the other - sometimes the ties that bind them get blurred but sooner or later we find them again.
I pray that yours find each other soon and that you get your hearts desire.
HUGS!
Thinking about you and praying for you. I am sorry you are going through a extra-difficult time, but we are ALL here for you if you need ANYTHING.
You will be in my prayers. Hugs!!
God does have a very good sense of humor. A long time ago I was told to see challenges as a way of building character. There is a lesson there, and try not to dwell on all the negative aspects of that challenge but to seek the positives--try to figure out what lesson(s) can be learnt.
I'm so happy to hear your faith has not wavered. Faith is what makes us hang on, and believe that there is a 'prize' at the end of the journey.
We're never told how long the journey will be--but as the saying goes, the race is not for the swift but for those who can endure to the end.
Our lives are not predicated solely on the ability to be a mother. We are so much more--someones daughter, wife, friend, a child of God, Engr., etc.
I agree, this and many things in general do not happen the way we planned or expected them--but I've always found God has a way of blessing us, many times in ways we least can conceive(absolutely no pun intended).
While I pray for myself & others, I will continue to pray for you.
Best Wishes & God Bless
*HUGS*
Anna
its just not fair, it stinks it sucks! Fight through it and try to come out of that dark place. I think its totally healthy to give yourself some time to go through all the messy emotions. Once you are done with that you can re-focus your energy on a new task.
I have not been through as much as you have BUT after 3 failed IUIs I just wanted to rip my uterus out and give it a stern talking to. I sulked and soaked my sorrows in all of the many alcoholic beverages that I had to shun for m onths. Now its not that bad.
I believe that sometimes medicine and doctors can make the worst out of a situation and sometimes it just best to take a step back and regroup.
You can do this...but only when YOU are ready. So take all the time you need. ((((hugs)))
When I have gone through rough times in the past the thought that I will learn, grow, and be a stronger, better woman has always helped me. However, it isn't right now. It makes me so mad because all I want is a child not a learning experience.
I do however believe that when I know it is time to give up I will just know. It will feel right. Right now it is still a question so I keep on trying.
(((hugs))) I know this is so hard. Your in my prayers.
You have said so many things that make so much sense. I don't think that there is any one reason that most of us all have that drive for our own child so strongly. It is such a bare down to the core part of what makes us human. At least that's how I rationalize mine.
I agree that God must have a sense of humor, and also can relate to feeling like how do good people get put on the shit list sometimes. I wish I could take you off that shit list sweetie because you are such a good person - I feel lucky to have come across you. I am sorry that you have to ride this crap ride. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping things turn around in time and that you get to the point that brings you happiness and the family you so deserve. ((hugs)) and some bigger hugs
I forgot to say that I have this whole struggle with my faith thing that I started a few years ago when our IF struggle began. For some reason - I just can't write about it in my posts because it seems so raw and personal. But it's something that I struggle with daily...even now I feel sometimes like I may not officially be off the shit list on some days and I go back and forth from laughing and feeling pissed off. If that makes any sense.
thank you for your honesty and you are right, this road you are on sucks ...right now.
i truly believe that if having a biological child is the desire of your heart that God will grant it to you. it might take much longer than you thought (heck, its already been too long, right) but i believe he has placed that desire in your heart.
...and until it changes, pursue it with all your heart.
i wont pretend to understand what you are going through. i barely dipped my toes in IF and even then, it hurt. and you are so right that we can't *plan* this life out. heck, i tried...look where it left me.
just know i am thinking and praying for you. may god grant you the desires of your heart.
big hugs...
I've come to the conclusion that things like IF happen to some of us for no real reason. I don't think that God gives us IF to punish us because we have done something wrong or because we don't want a child badly enough. I really think it just happens to some of us for whatever reason (medical or otherwise.) Now that's not to say I haven't felt like we're on God's list; I just think that God gives us strength or the tools to deal with what we're given.
You are such a strong woman. You have been through a lot over the last couple of years. What you have been through will hopefully help you to make the next decision for you and your future family. It may be through another IVF; it may be through some other way. I know that you will be a mother one day, though. Whichever path it ends up being.
Aww sweetie, what you are feeling is totally normal. I think you wouldn't be if you didn't feel all of them.
Hugs,
Rebel
I wish I knew where the strength and answers come from, Brenda.
I used to hold tight to faith, especially during those blissful days of "trying on our own." Two years and multiple IUI/IVF failures later, I also wonder why we are on God's list. If God is so great, why do we suffer so much? Like Wendy wrote, I don't think IF happens to us for any specific reason. And we can kill ourselves trying to figure out why we are plagued while others are so easily blessed. Maybe someday, decades from now, we'll better understand why we were force to travel this route. For now, we just keeps our eyes on the prize.
And when do we give up? The title of your blog answers that question. We must do all we can, while we can, until we've exhausted every option. And when every single solitary option is gone, that is when we can be confident that we've done our best. At that time, we will have no regrets.
We will all know when that time has arrived... and this is not that time.
Love, E
I wish I knew the answer...why do we have such a strong pull for a biological child when it's so hard to have one? Why can't I let go of this dream and open my heart to adoption or just accept that this isn't happening?
I don't know the answers...but I do believe in what you said...somehow, in some way, we will get there, and then we will appreciate the end result so much more. But now while we are still on the journey, it's difficult to see through the fog to see that beautiful end result.
Thinking of you. :)
You will some day become a mommy. There is no doubt in my mind. It may be through pregnancy or it may be through another way. Only time will tell how. In the meantime, if you are not ready to let go of the dream of a biological child then don't. Hold on to it and do everything you can to make it happen. The title of your blog inspired me during my last IVF. My goal was to have no regrets. Even though it didn't work out how I wanted, I will never look back and think I should have or could have done something differently. Do what your heart is calling you to do and you won't be sorry.
As for knowing when to let go of one path and move on to another, I agree with Miah that you will know when it's time to move on ( I don't like to say give up because as long as you're moving toward motherhood you're not giving up). One day the pain of facing another IVF will outweigh the pain of considering other paths to parenthood. And you'll actually feel relief, as unbelievable as that sounds.
((hugs)) to you. I hope you will find success at the end of the path you're on now.
Don't give up. Keep pushing.
I'm glad your little happy rock is helping you through things. I am here for you. We are here for you. We have hope!
"It takes time, love, and support to find peace with the restless one." (Deidra Sarault)
I don't for one second believe that any of us are on God's shit list. I'm not even convinced that He has one. But it's definitely isolating to wonder why many others are blessed so easily with something we struggle financially and physically to achieve. I've given up on the "Why me?" question because there aren't any real answers. And would having an answer make the path any easier? Somehow I doubt it.
I know the fears and the doubts and the hopelessness are so overwhelming. You can power through them. Just keep breathing. One second at a time.
Hugs
I'm thinking about you. I'm so sorry that you are going through a such difficult time. Try to keep believing. It will happen for you. You will be a mother--this we know for sure. ((huge hugs))
Post a Comment