- Sunday: Neighbor wished me "Happy Mother's Day" and I scrambled to get in the house to hide for the remainder of the day.
- Tuesday: Acupuncturist questioned me about painful periods and I avoided any real answers and cried by myself as soon as he left.
- Wednesday: Dentist and dental hygienist from hell questioned me non-stop about getting pregnant and the "infertility" process and I politely answered their questions with quick phrases while swallowing back tears only to let it all come out later - both in tears and my ugly thoughts toward them. (She wasn't really a stupid fertile whore, but I'm guessing you already knew that).
On the flipside of this, I somewhat fear that I have held this stuff in for so long that when I do finally get the courage to stand up for myself that I take it to the other extreme and snap or get so hypersensitive to practically everything that nobody will want to even talk to me anymore.
So what is your trick and balance for dealing with the fertile world's comments?
11 comments:
Me too!
I went to a store yesterday; a pregnant cashier awaited me at the check-out as she was talking to a co-worker about babies. Ugh already!
Here's our conversation:
Her- You have any babies?
Me- Yes, two dogs.
Her- laughing hysterically.
Finish transaction.
(As she handed receipt to me)
Her- You remind me of my boss. Will never have any babies but lots of dogs everywhere.
HOW RUDE! My husband told me I am good at telling people on the phone off, but I can't do it in person.
What DO we say? I fear I will just break down and lose control so I say nothing, walk away furious and crushed, and wish I knew what to say!
Fortunately for the human race, IF is not something most people even consider. Most just don't get it - and they probably never will because to really understand, you have to experience the pain first hand. I think few people realize how stupid or insensitive they are when they make these kinds of comments. In other cases, even when they know there could be problems - they just don't know what to say, so they end up saying something totally stupid or insensitive. At the end of the day, the folks who talk w/o thinking and those who don't know what to say are just ignorant - maybe we should pity them for being stupid.
I hope you feel better soon!
I'm not good at handling ignorant infertile comments IRL, but then handling conflict isn't my strong suit in general. I usually clam up or run the other way. I wish I were strong enough and quick-thinking enough to come up with a kickass response. It's so much easier to do it online.
I'm like a crocodile these days..i keep quiet and fume inside and then when I can't take their continuous jab of OH, JUST TAKE IT EASY..I lunge and I snap!
It is not deliberate but I've grown a bit tougher through the years and I think that's what makes me unpopular with some of my friends as we used to go out for dinners and clubbing.
I'm a totally different person and if they can't accept it, then to me, that's fine. I need to find my own door and head this journey out on my own with DH on my side.
I seriously do miss my friends and perhaps the old me but life goes on. Most people who make comments like this get pregnant very easily and just expect that that is the norm.
But usually, after I snap, I head home, and I cry cuz it still hurts no matter what. However, I have DH, my dog, a few selected friends, my dad, my blog and I have my cyber friends and YOU, and that's just enough for me to keep my sanity going.
big hugs and i hope it gets better each day - for all of us..
I do the same thing- I'm terrible about standing up for myself. And very likely to walk away and cry. If people seem like they're honestly trying to be sensitive (and not the stupid, clueless, fertiles) then sometimes I'll try to at least give them some info about infertility. Then maybe they'll do better with the next "infertile" they meet? My lastest thing it I get the urge to ask pregnant ladies how much it cost them to get that way. I haven't snapped and actually asked someone yet, but I'm not sure how many more trips I can take to "fertilemart" before it happens. ;)
Great post, B. Wish I had more answers.
Despite being the amazing women that we are, it's almost impossible for me to do the right thing, say the right thing when these situations arise. My survival approach these days is an unhealthy one: isolation, avoidance, bitterness.
I stay away from pregnant people and places (recent trips to Target, the mall, even the grocery store have been nightmares). I have found myself giving vicious looks at women with baby carriers. When I see a pg woman, I say under my breath, "that probably took you five weeks." When I see these women, I feel like an alien who is only visiting the planet of fertiles.
I have not communicated with my college friends (all of whom have 1and 2 children each) because I just have nothing to say to them, and I have not genuine interest in hearing about their lives as mothers. Last time I saw the girls and their husbands, the topic of IUIs and IVF came up because they were curious to know what's in store for me. Even though I know they love and care about me, they were so callous. When I explained the insemination process, they all laughed. It was the first time I really felt like crying in front of them. It was the loneliest moment of my life, and I never told my DH because he's be bullshit over it. I just can't bring myself to call or write my old friends. I even stay away from other childless, unmarried friends because I don't feel like updating them on my latest infertility trauma, explaining what a follicle count is, etc.
I am so disappointed in who I have become, but I figure it comes with the life crisis burden of infertility. I guess next time we are faced with these moments, we need to be honest. There is no "perfect line."
I've decided that when I do phone my next dentist to make my appointment, I will tell the office AHEAD OF TIME: "I am not pregnant. Despite intensive medical help nothing is working, yet we continue to try. Please don't ask me about it."
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I am nice to peoples faces, then I come home and make fun of them on my blog. (I am the picture of maturity)
The truth is, for me, that I would probably cry if I tried to express the hurt caused by those types of comments. And since I don't want to cry in public, I am the same as you.
No suggestions from me, but at least you know you're not alone.
Alcohol.
Saturday night my MIL and FIL had a 50th birthday party for DH's aunt. After too much to drink I (for some reason I can't remember) proclaimed to EVERYONE THERE that I was infertile and I knew the word made them uncomfortable but I didn't care! I know this was somehow related to talks of AIDS and blood donation. I've been SERIOUSLY embarrassed by this proclamation since the instant I opened my eyes Sunday morning... but I'm stuck with the fact that I made a complete and total ass out of myself in front of about 20 people - some of whom I had just met for the first time. The only good thing was that I remember one of the women piping up that she "knows a couple who" and then I abruptly cut her off and put up my hand and said "I'm sure you do" and continued with my uninvited, inarticulate, probably, slurred soliloquy. I can't believe I did that.
It is definitely hard to confront people with the things they say or do when it comes to IF. I have just started to speak up when someone says something that hurts my feelings. I have had to speak to 2 coworkers about hurtful things (I posted about it on FF.) I don't think it gets any easier. My first reaction is to want to get away from the situation as quickly as possible, so I know what you mean. I wish it was easier and that people understood what we're dealing with.
I can totally relate. Since I can't seem to turn on my flight or fight response I just feel completely vulnerable when asked about how come we don't have kids.
I recently told someone a big fat lie. They asked when we were going to start a family...blah blah blah...I told them never. We really don't like children and just want to spend our lives focused on each other and traveling.
I dunno. A lie is a lie, but it sure felt a whole hell of a lot better than the well intentioned responses (we all know them by heart). For once, I got no pity looks, and felt in control.
Thank you all for your honesty. I have such jumbled emotions reading all of your responses. I am so glad that my feelings with this are in no way unique, but it pisses me off there are so many of us hurting and this coping technique seems to be the norm.
IF is such a personal journey and I figure if I am not willing to share it with others then I will have to endure comments that aren't always said with malicious intent, but hurt nonetheless.
I think if anything, hearing what you all had to say makes me want to speak out more for YOU. It's so much easier to stick up for a friend than yourself, right? Maybe I will try that technique.
Thanks so much for making me feel like a "normal" infertile.
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