Goodbye Earl

Earl is gone, snipped away from the folds of my colon. M. tried to name him Polly, but I said there was no way that ugly thing could have a cute girly name and I wouldn't do that to my friend Polly. Earl seemed like an appropriate name and now Earl the polyp is in a lab being biopsied.

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Anesthesia is a funny thing. I have been under a few times and am now more worried about how I will act than the procedure being done. Here is a recap of my anesthesia jackassery:

Appendectomy (1990): I'll set this one up a little bit. I was 16 and having horrible pains in my abdomen for a couple days. I went to our only hometown doctor (whose boys I babysat for every Saturday morning) and he said my appendix needed to come out. Our town didn't have a hospital and the one in a neighboring town has ~30 rooms (of which 1/2 are now used for assisted living). The nurses included a woman whose children I also babysat alot and my BFF's mom. After the surgery I was put in a room with an 80-something year old woman. I was very restless and kept asking my mom to give me more pain meds. I apparently had already had all they would give, but I was still in so much pain. I started getting pissed at my mom for not helping me or calling the nurses so I sat straight up in bed and told her to give me the effin' button (to call the nurses) right now. Apparently I said this pretty loudly as the nurses heard me. The sweet lady in the bed next to me said, "Poor dear must really be in pain." They all had some good laughs on my account. I don't remember any of it.

Laparoscopy/hysteroscopy/HSG/D&C (August 2007): I told M. how mean I was last time I was under so he was prepared. I even apologized to the nurses before the surgery just in case. As I was being put under I saw a whole lot of med students in the room and started to get paranoid of what I would do in front of so many people. Never mind that I was in a room full of people who were all there just to look at my hoo haw. As I came out of anesthesia, I was so sweet and nice to everyone. The nurse asked my pain level on a 1 to 10 scale and I answered, "Seven". She gave me more meds and came back awhile later and asked me the same thing again. "Thanks, that really helped. It's a seven." Seven was my new number and I rode that sucker out and felt pretty great by the time I left the hospital.

Colonoscopy/polypectomy (this past Thursday): It was a twilight sedation, but I was in and out through the whole procedure. I didn't really feel anything through most of it and just wanted to watch the camera on the screen. At one point I told the doc, "This isn't too bad." As he got to the end of the colon, it was really uncomfortable and I asked if he was about done with this part because I didn't like it anymore. He then went back to find Earl. I was watching the screen and it looked like a whole bunch of bumps so I asked why there were so many. He told me those were just folds and Earl was in a tricky place. I tried staying awake to watch them get rid of the little bastard, but dozed out during that part. M. thinks they gave me more meds just to shut me up. I like to think they were humored a bit, but I hope I didn't say anymore than what I remember.

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You will all eventually need to have a colonoscopy as they are recommended to be done every 5 years for anyone over 50 to screen for polyps that can eventually grow into cancer. I will share with you all my candid thoughts so you can see what you have to look forward to. Consider this my PSA on a very necessary, but shitty experience.

The preparation: This is done the day before the procedure to clear out your colon. It involves a very strong laxative and I am still concerned that I may have shit out one of my lungs sometime during this process. So no solid foods at all on this day and beginning at noon, I drank 8oz every 15 minutes until I had consumed 32oz of a solution that tasted a bit like lemon flavored owl piss. The stuff started working it's magic before I even got to the final 8oz. Fun times, my friends. The chaser is 8oz of salty clear liquid and 8oz of sugary clear liquid to keep dehydration from setting in. Then as if that weren't bad enough I had to repeat the whole process at 6PM. There is no doubt in my mind that my colon was squeaky freakin' clean.
My suggestions:

• Beg, plead, lie, cheat and steal to get laxatives in pill form over the nasty crud I had to drink. Set the owls free from urine specimen collection.
• Lube your pucker with Vaseline or diaper cream after each trip to the bathroom. Some wise ladies gave me this advice and I am forever grateful for this very necessary step.
• Make your bathroom clean and pretty as you will spend most of the day in it literally "peeing out your ass".

The procedure: You will get an IV, oxygen, and all the monitoring crap. From what I have heard, most people remember nothing about the actual procedure. I personally think they let me drift in and out through the procedure for their own entertainment. This was the easiest part of it all.
After the procedure: Before I could leave, I had to drink something, pee, and "pass gas". I was terrified to do the last one as I thought I would shit my pants, but alas all was well.
So there you have it. Now when your parents go through this you can give them some input on the experience. Yup, me and the old people getting our asses scoped. What a fun-filled day.